Play & Book Excerpts
Collaborative Hardball
(Amplify Publishing)
© Susan Coleman
Be Regal
Recently, world leaders gathered to shape the future of the planet. There were virtually no women at the table.
You may think that has nothing to do with your own life and work—but it does.
Because what happens at the highest levels of power trickles down into our organizations, our companies, our relationships, and even our inner lives. It shapes who feels entitled to speak, who gets interrupted, whose ideas are valued, and who quietly doubts themselves before they even begin.
The absence of women from global negotiations reflects something much deeper than optics. It reflects how power is still imagined.
And many women absorb that message more than we realize.
In boardrooms, businesses, partnerships, and leadership teams, women are often conditioned to second-guess ourselves, soften our authority, avoid conflict, or hesitate before clearly stating what we want. Many highly capable women entrepreneurs and executives struggle to negotiate compensation, set boundaries, challenge difficult behavior, or advocate fully for their ideas.
But negotiation is not just about diplomacy or billion-dollar deals.
Negotiation is any moment we are trying to influence, navigate conflict, or create agreement:
At work.
At home.
With clients, colleagues, teams, investors, partners, and families.
And when women learn to negotiate with confidence, clarity, and collaboration, it changes far more than individual outcomes. It changes the culture of our organizations and, ultimately, society itself.
For decades, my business partner and I have taught a communication and conflict resolution framework around the world called AEIOU:
Attack. Evade. Inform. Open. Unite.©
Most dysfunctional communication patterns fall into the first two categories: attack or avoidance.
Dominate. Interrupt. Shut down. Withdraw. Avoid the conversation entirely. Win at all costs—or never fully enter the negotiation in the first place.
We see these patterns everywhere right now: in politics, media, workplaces, and personal relationships.
But transformative negotiation depends on the last three capacities: Inform, Open, and Unite.
Inform means expressing your perspective clearly and directly without aggression. It means letting people know what you want—which is not always easy for women who have been socialized to prioritize harmony over self-advocacy.
Open means listening deeply enough to understand the needs beneath someone’s position. Many women are naturally skilled at this, though often at the expense of our own voices.
Unite means identifying common ground and working toward solutions that preserve dignity and relationships while still addressing difficult realities honestly.
Collaborative negotiation is not weak. It is highly skilled.
Firm. Fierce. Fair.
It requires the ability to remain grounded in the presence of tension rather than collapsing, attacking, appeasing, or retreating. And that capacity—to stay present inside conflict—is increasingly essential for leadership.
As I recount in Collaborative Hardball, a powerful example of this came from South Africa during the final days of apartheid.
As Nelson Mandela prepared to be released from prison after more than twenty-seven years, many feared the country would descend into civil war. Preventative peace councils were created across the country, and many women were trained to intervene in potentially violent situations.
Dr. Scilla Elworthy once described to me how these women would walk directly into terrifying, volatile conflicts and stop mobs through the sheer force of their grounded presence and moral authority.
What struck her most was not simply their bravery, but how they carried themselves.
“These were not frightened women running into chaos,” she explained. “These were women standing tall in their Zulu and tribal grandeur—shoulders back, heads high—communicating, ‘Make way.’”
She described it as a kind of “regal courage.”
That phrase has stayed with me for years.
Because so many women have been conditioned for generations to shrink themselves in the face of power, aggression, or conflict. To soften their voices. To avoid taking up space. To fear being perceived as difficult, demanding, or “too much.”
But effective leadership requires something different.
It requires the ability to stand calmly and clearly in difficult conversations. To speak truth without unnecessary aggression. To negotiate without surrendering yourself. To stay open without collapsing your boundaries.
This is not only true in global peace negotiations.
It is true in companies, partnerships, leadership teams, entrepreneurial ventures, and everyday life.
The future will not be shaped by domination alone. It will be shaped by people capable of combining strength with wisdom, courage with collaboration, and clarity with humanity.
And increasingly, women are uniquely positioned to help lead the way.
Recently, world leaders gathered to shape the future of the planet. There were virtually no women at the table.
You may think that has nothing to do with your own life and work—but it does.
Because what happens at the highest levels of power trickles down into our organizations, our companies, our relationships, and even our inner lives. It shapes who feels entitled to speak, who gets interrupted, whose ideas are valued, and who quietly doubts themselves before they even begin.
The absence of women from global negotiations reflects something much deeper than optics. It reflects how power is still imagined.
And many women absorb that message more than we realize.
In boardrooms, businesses, partnerships, and leadership teams, women are often conditioned to second-guess ourselves, soften our authority, avoid conflict, or hesitate before clearly stating what we want. Many highly capable women entrepreneurs and executives struggle to negotiate compensation, set boundaries, challenge difficult behavior, or advocate fully for their ideas.
But negotiation is not just about diplomacy or billion-dollar deals.
Negotiation is any moment we are trying to influence, navigate conflict, or create agreement:
At work.
At home.
With clients, colleagues, teams, investors, partners, and families.
And when women learn to negotiate with confidence, clarity, and collaboration, it changes far more than individual outcomes. It changes the culture of our organizations and, ultimately, society itself.
For decades, my business partner and I have taught a communication and conflict resolution framework around the world called AEIOU:
Attack. Evade. Inform. Open. Unite.©
Most dysfunctional communication patterns fall into the first two categories: attack or avoidance.
Dominate. Interrupt. Shut down. Withdraw. Avoid the conversation entirely. Win at all costs—or never fully enter the negotiation in the first place.
We see these patterns everywhere right now: in politics, media, workplaces, and personal relationships.
But transformative negotiation depends on the last three capacities: Inform, Open, and Unite.
Inform means expressing your perspective clearly and directly without aggression. It means letting people know what you want—which is not always easy for women who have been socialized to prioritize harmony over self-advocacy.
Open means listening deeply enough to understand the needs beneath someone’s position. Many women are naturally skilled at this, though often at the expense of our own voices.
Unite means identifying common ground and working toward solutions that preserve dignity and relationships while still addressing difficult realities honestly.
Collaborative negotiation is not weak. It is highly skilled.
Firm. Fierce. Fair.
It requires the ability to remain grounded in the presence of tension rather than collapsing, attacking, appeasing, or retreating. And that capacity—to stay present inside conflict—is increasingly essential for leadership.
As I recount in Collaborative Hardball, a powerful example of this came from South Africa during the final days of apartheid.
As Nelson Mandela prepared to be released from prison after more than twenty-seven years, many feared the country would descend into civil war. Preventative peace councils were created across the country, and many women were trained to intervene in potentially violent situations.
Dr. Scilla Elworthy once described to me how these women would walk directly into terrifying, volatile conflicts and stop mobs through the sheer force of their grounded presence and moral authority.
What struck her most was not simply their bravery, but how they carried themselves.
“These were not frightened women running into chaos,” she explained. “These were women standing tall in their Zulu and tribal grandeur—shoulders back, heads high—communicating, ‘Make way.’”
She described it as a kind of “regal courage.”
That phrase has stayed with me for years.
Because so many women have been conditioned for generations to shrink themselves in the face of power, aggression, or conflict. To soften their voices. To avoid taking up space. To fear being perceived as difficult, demanding, or “too much.”
But effective leadership requires something different.
It requires the ability to stand calmly and clearly in difficult conversations. To speak truth without unnecessary aggression. To negotiate without surrendering yourself. To stay open without collapsing your boundaries.
This is not only true in global peace negotiations.
It is true in companies, partnerships, leadership teams, entrepreneurial ventures, and everyday life.
The future will not be shaped by domination alone. It will be shaped by people capable of combining strength with wisdom, courage with collaboration, and clarity with humanity.
And increasingly, women are uniquely positioned to help lead the way.
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For over 35 years, Susan Coleman has worked from war zones to boardrooms teaching negotiation skills, mediating conflict, and supporting clients in collaborative initiatives through facilitation and coaching. She has worked with tens of thousands of people in 34 countries, on just about every continent, and with hundreds of organizations, governments, teams, and individuals including the United Nations, NASA, Senior Women Leaders of the Government of Afghanistan, and Columbia University. Her initiative with the UN ultimately resulted in over 100,000 professionals being trained in collaborative, intercultural negotiation, one of the largest peacebuilding initiatives on the planet.
She started her professional journey as a litigator in New York City but detoured to the negotiation and conflict resolution field after attending the Kennedy School at Harvard. Throughout her life, she has been an activist for evolutionary social change with a deep respect for diversity of humans and the natural world. |
Susan Coleman
Photo Courtesy: Susan Coleman |
