Play & Book Excerpts
From Perfectionist to Empowered
(LPK Coaching Publishing)
© Lindsay Pfister-Kerr
Self-Awareness
“Self-awareness gives us power. We might not always like what we see, but there’s a comfort in knowing ourselves.” ~ Tasha Eurich
I am always amazed at people’s differing levels of self-awareness. Some people know who they are and how others perceive them, while others, well, let’s just say how they perceive themselves and how they present themselves to the outside world are not quite in alignment. The concept of self-awareness is very interesting to me. I struggle with the idea that people live with themselves their whole lives and should clearly know who they are, though this is often not the situation. Case in point, for years I perceived myself as someone who was a serious, career minded go getter, focused on polish and sophistication. Think Vivian Kensington in Legally Blonde without the cruel streak. This perception remained until the day I told a colleague I was applying to law school. He responded with a smile and kindly shared that it made him think of Elle Woods, also from Legally Blonde, applying to law school. He totally floored me. Me being compared to Elle Woods? Please! I did have the bubbly personality of this character, but in my mind, that was the only similarity. His comparison bothered me for years. I knew who I was, and my colleague was just missing it. Right?
Wrong. While I would like to blame my lack of self-awareness on being in my twenties, I can’t. I just did not yet truly know myself or how the world perceived me. It took time for me to come to know myself internally and see how that aligned with external perceptions. In the end, my colleague was correct in his perception. My self-awareness grew as I began to learn and accept myself, process external feedback, and see how these aligned. I was bubbly, outspoken, determined, and sometimes caring to a fault, and that was OK. My internal knowledge usually aligns with the external feedback I receive. Sometimes this works in my favor, and other times people misread me. Some people think I am too nice to deal with difficult situations. Other times, people think I am too determined to care. Who I am internally is who I work to show externally, and most of the time, these align. Years later, I was watching Legally Blonde and found myself grateful to be like Elle Woods. I finally saw her character for the kind, intelligent, funny, accepting, and determined individual she was, which made me appreciate my colleague’s comparison.
I Know Who I Am…I Think
Some of us spend too much time thinking about who we are, and others don’t spend enough. According to a recent study, only 10-15 percent of people are truly self-aware.1 Self-awareness, as defined in the study, occurs when someone’s internal understanding of themselves matches how others perceive them.2 If you look at it from another perspective, 85–90 percent of us spend most of our time partially or completely unaware of who we are. I hate to say this is as bad as it seems, because self-awareness is difficult, and I prefer to believe that most of us are at least trying to become part of the 10–15 percent.
You may ask, who has the time to sit around thinking about who they are? Great question and completely understandable. Most of us are too busy for this. Also, sitting around in self-introspection is not actually how you become self-aware. Introspection is the process of trying to directly engage with our mental “processes, judgements, [or] perceptions,” to explain the reasons for our actions and behaviors. 3 Self-awareness occurs when people reflect on their actions, thoughts, and behaviors to assess and align themselves with their beliefs and values.4 We have been led to believe by movies and books that if we sit in introspection, we will come to learn about ourselves and understand why we act, think, or believe the way we do, therefore developing self-awareness. Stop and think for a moment. How many times have you replayed a situation in your head, trying to figure out the reasons for how you acted or responded to the situation? Did the answers actually provide the clarity you wanted? I am going to guess the answer is probably no. It is natural to ask these questions in the hopes of learning about ourselves. However, recent research shows that introspection can “cloud our self-perceptions,” reducing awareness, and may lead to unintended consequences.5 As we move through this chapter, you will develop a deeper understanding of self-awareness, and further clarity on the limitations of introspection.
Self-Awareness in Real Life
Self-awareness is not a simple concept, but it is also not as difficult as we make it. Trust me, I can overcomplicate anything, so this continues to be an area of growth for me. Self-awareness occurs when we spend a healthy amount of time understanding our emotions, actions, thoughts, and how they match our standards and others’ perceptions. I cannot give you a specific timeframe that is defined as healthy, because this will differ for every person and situation. When you leave the balanced space of self-awareness, you can slide into self-absorption or self-consciousness. When you begin moving into the realm of self-absorption, you hyperfocus on yourself and your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, while ignoring the thoughts, feelings, and input from others. On the flip side, if you move in the opposite direction, you will become self-conscious. If we slide into this mindset, we again hyperfocus on ourselves but extensively worry about thoughts, feelings, and feedback from others. Since becoming a mindset coach, I have seen people all over this spectrum. Some people think too much about meeting others’ expectations, while others talk about themselves without learning from it. Clients who know themselves and engage in reflection, thinking, and learning see the most growth. These individuals may not be the perfect definition of self-awareness, but their efforts result in growth. Self-awareness gives us the power to truly know ourselves and live an authentic life. True self-awareness is not just internal. It involves showing what you believe externally.
Living the Self-Aware Life
Living a life of self-awareness is not one and done. As humans, we should be constantly learning and growing. If you want to truly know who you are internally and externally, it is going to take some work. Just like being vulnerable is challenging but worth it, so is self-awareness. First, remember that these concepts take time to learn, understand, and apply. Notice that I did not use the word master, because we are human, which makes us perfectly imperfect, so we are constantly works in progress. When you live the self-aware life, you:
You learned about vulnerability and its power to help you grow in the first chapter. Now it is time for you to put your willingness to be vulnerable to the test. Choosing to be self-aware gives you the opportunity to truly see yourself—the good and the bad, the pretty and the ugly.
I am always amazed at people’s differing levels of self-awareness. Some people know who they are and how others perceive them, while others, well, let’s just say how they perceive themselves and how they present themselves to the outside world are not quite in alignment. The concept of self-awareness is very interesting to me. I struggle with the idea that people live with themselves their whole lives and should clearly know who they are, though this is often not the situation. Case in point, for years I perceived myself as someone who was a serious, career minded go getter, focused on polish and sophistication. Think Vivian Kensington in Legally Blonde without the cruel streak. This perception remained until the day I told a colleague I was applying to law school. He responded with a smile and kindly shared that it made him think of Elle Woods, also from Legally Blonde, applying to law school. He totally floored me. Me being compared to Elle Woods? Please! I did have the bubbly personality of this character, but in my mind, that was the only similarity. His comparison bothered me for years. I knew who I was, and my colleague was just missing it. Right?
Wrong. While I would like to blame my lack of self-awareness on being in my twenties, I can’t. I just did not yet truly know myself or how the world perceived me. It took time for me to come to know myself internally and see how that aligned with external perceptions. In the end, my colleague was correct in his perception. My self-awareness grew as I began to learn and accept myself, process external feedback, and see how these aligned. I was bubbly, outspoken, determined, and sometimes caring to a fault, and that was OK. My internal knowledge usually aligns with the external feedback I receive. Sometimes this works in my favor, and other times people misread me. Some people think I am too nice to deal with difficult situations. Other times, people think I am too determined to care. Who I am internally is who I work to show externally, and most of the time, these align. Years later, I was watching Legally Blonde and found myself grateful to be like Elle Woods. I finally saw her character for the kind, intelligent, funny, accepting, and determined individual she was, which made me appreciate my colleague’s comparison.
I Know Who I Am…I Think
Some of us spend too much time thinking about who we are, and others don’t spend enough. According to a recent study, only 10-15 percent of people are truly self-aware.1 Self-awareness, as defined in the study, occurs when someone’s internal understanding of themselves matches how others perceive them.2 If you look at it from another perspective, 85–90 percent of us spend most of our time partially or completely unaware of who we are. I hate to say this is as bad as it seems, because self-awareness is difficult, and I prefer to believe that most of us are at least trying to become part of the 10–15 percent.
You may ask, who has the time to sit around thinking about who they are? Great question and completely understandable. Most of us are too busy for this. Also, sitting around in self-introspection is not actually how you become self-aware. Introspection is the process of trying to directly engage with our mental “processes, judgements, [or] perceptions,” to explain the reasons for our actions and behaviors. 3 Self-awareness occurs when people reflect on their actions, thoughts, and behaviors to assess and align themselves with their beliefs and values.4 We have been led to believe by movies and books that if we sit in introspection, we will come to learn about ourselves and understand why we act, think, or believe the way we do, therefore developing self-awareness. Stop and think for a moment. How many times have you replayed a situation in your head, trying to figure out the reasons for how you acted or responded to the situation? Did the answers actually provide the clarity you wanted? I am going to guess the answer is probably no. It is natural to ask these questions in the hopes of learning about ourselves. However, recent research shows that introspection can “cloud our self-perceptions,” reducing awareness, and may lead to unintended consequences.5 As we move through this chapter, you will develop a deeper understanding of self-awareness, and further clarity on the limitations of introspection.
Self-Awareness in Real Life
Self-awareness is not a simple concept, but it is also not as difficult as we make it. Trust me, I can overcomplicate anything, so this continues to be an area of growth for me. Self-awareness occurs when we spend a healthy amount of time understanding our emotions, actions, thoughts, and how they match our standards and others’ perceptions. I cannot give you a specific timeframe that is defined as healthy, because this will differ for every person and situation. When you leave the balanced space of self-awareness, you can slide into self-absorption or self-consciousness. When you begin moving into the realm of self-absorption, you hyperfocus on yourself and your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, while ignoring the thoughts, feelings, and input from others. On the flip side, if you move in the opposite direction, you will become self-conscious. If we slide into this mindset, we again hyperfocus on ourselves but extensively worry about thoughts, feelings, and feedback from others. Since becoming a mindset coach, I have seen people all over this spectrum. Some people think too much about meeting others’ expectations, while others talk about themselves without learning from it. Clients who know themselves and engage in reflection, thinking, and learning see the most growth. These individuals may not be the perfect definition of self-awareness, but their efforts result in growth. Self-awareness gives us the power to truly know ourselves and live an authentic life. True self-awareness is not just internal. It involves showing what you believe externally.
Living the Self-Aware Life
Living a life of self-awareness is not one and done. As humans, we should be constantly learning and growing. If you want to truly know who you are internally and externally, it is going to take some work. Just like being vulnerable is challenging but worth it, so is self-awareness. First, remember that these concepts take time to learn, understand, and apply. Notice that I did not use the word master, because we are human, which makes us perfectly imperfect, so we are constantly works in progress. When you live the self-aware life, you:
- Reflect on life’s experiences,
- Engage honestly with yourself,
- Accept your true self,
- Open yourself up to feedback, and
- Establish internal and external boundaries.
You learned about vulnerability and its power to help you grow in the first chapter. Now it is time for you to put your willingness to be vulnerable to the test. Choosing to be self-aware gives you the opportunity to truly see yourself—the good and the bad, the pretty and the ugly.
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Lindsay Pfister-Kerr, Ed.D., ACC, is a dynamic leader, educator and coach with over 20 years of experience. From her early days as a classroom teacher to leadership roles in education, Lindsay has been a catalyst for growth and empowerment. With a doctorate in Educational Leadership from the University of Pittsburgh, she is passionate about inspiring others to reach their full potential and create positive change in their lives.
Lindsay now focuses on coaching, writing and speaking, guiding clients to overcome stress and perfectionism. As an ICF Certified Coach, she uses a personalized approach to foster resilience and confidence, helping clients achieve meaningful change. Her work is deeply personal, informed by her own journey of transformation, and she integrates mindfulness techniques to build resilience and manage stress. A sought-after speaker, Lindsay captivates audiences with her relatable style, engaging humor, and practical insights. Outside of her professional life, she enjoys time with her family, interior decorating, and finding joy in life's small moments. |
Lindsay Pfister-Kerr, Ed.D., ACC
Photo Courtesy: Erica Rooney |
