Mom Helps Others who Have Lost a Child to Suicide
An interview with
Donna Thomas
Co-founder of James’s Warr;ors
Donna Thomas
Photo Courtesy: Donna Thomas
Photo Courtesy: Donna Thomas
About James’s Warr;ors:
James's Warr;ors, a not-for-profit organization, was founded in 2019 by Donna and Bobby Thomas after the death of their son, James. The organization works to provide resources to those affected by suicide through public awareness and education. It aims to bring change to the way mental health is perceived by reducing the stigma surrounding it, promoting open conversations about mental illness, and, ultimately, preventing suicide. James’s Warr;ors works with clinical psychologists who teach parents and educators about signs of depression, self-harm, and suicidal ideation.
Why is a semicolon used in the organization’s name?
The semicolon is a symbol of hope for those who are struggling with mental health and thoughts of suicide. It helps serve as a reminder that your story isn’t over yet, and you can share your story without shame. A semicolon is used when a writer could have chosen to end their sentence but chose not to. You are the writer and the sentence is you. Your life can continue. Your life matters, and you are someone's blessing.
James's Warr;ors, a not-for-profit organization, was founded in 2019 by Donna and Bobby Thomas after the death of their son, James. The organization works to provide resources to those affected by suicide through public awareness and education. It aims to bring change to the way mental health is perceived by reducing the stigma surrounding it, promoting open conversations about mental illness, and, ultimately, preventing suicide. James’s Warr;ors works with clinical psychologists who teach parents and educators about signs of depression, self-harm, and suicidal ideation.
Why is a semicolon used in the organization’s name?
The semicolon is a symbol of hope for those who are struggling with mental health and thoughts of suicide. It helps serve as a reminder that your story isn’t over yet, and you can share your story without shame. A semicolon is used when a writer could have chosen to end their sentence but chose not to. You are the writer and the sentence is you. Your life can continue. Your life matters, and you are someone's blessing.
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention Walk (Walkway over the Hudson, 2019)
Photo Courtesy: James's Warr;ors
Photo Courtesy: James's Warr;ors
It’s Suicide Prevention Month, so we wanted to shine a light on an organization that is providing comfort and hope to those affected by suicide. Myrna Haskell, executive editor, recently spoke with founder Donna Thomas, whose energy and empathy was tangible as she shared her personal journey as well as the good work her not-for-profit is doing to support others with similar experiences.
James Thomas
Photo Courtesy: James's Warr;ors |
Tell me about your son, James. James was a great kid. He was a very caring person, but he was also mischievous. He didn’t always think things through and was a bit impulsive. But he brought a lot of joy to my life and to those who knew him. If you asked his friends or family members to describe him, they would say he was very funny. He would do things like rearrange the furniture in my house while I was out or hide in the car and pop out when I got to the supermarket. The sad part is that it wasn’t until a couple of weeks before his death that I saw changes. We always think that if someone is suicidal, we’ll see major things. But that’s not how it always presents. |
Knowing what you know now, were there subtle signs that James was in trouble?
There were things that I didn’t know were signs. He came home one day after school and told me he didn’t want to go to high school graduation. His grandmother was coming, and we had planned a party with a DJ and everything. But he said, ‘I don’t find it important. It means nothing to me.’ I did get a belly flip, but I brushed it off. He wasn’t a scholar, so I kind of let it go.
But looking back, he had started to get angry at things that wouldn’t have gotten him angry or frustrated in the past. His happy-go-lucky personality started to change. He was a big Yankee fan, and shortly before he died, he had bought playoff tickets for his girlfriend and her family. He called me afterward and complained about everything — the seats, the food, the parking. At that time, though, it didn’t mean to me that he was struggling mentally. I thought maybe it was growing pains because he was dealing with the stuff that comes with being an adult. He was working as a barber, and he had [bills to pay].
The other thing was that his girlfriend was going off to college, trying to experience the college thing, and he started getting jealous about all the things she was doing there without him. So, there was conflict, and she wound up breaking up with him. I wanted him to stay home for a bit because I felt like he was distressed. But he told me everything was going to be okay, and he needed to get back to work in Wappingers [New York].
There were things that I didn’t know were signs. He came home one day after school and told me he didn’t want to go to high school graduation. His grandmother was coming, and we had planned a party with a DJ and everything. But he said, ‘I don’t find it important. It means nothing to me.’ I did get a belly flip, but I brushed it off. He wasn’t a scholar, so I kind of let it go.
But looking back, he had started to get angry at things that wouldn’t have gotten him angry or frustrated in the past. His happy-go-lucky personality started to change. He was a big Yankee fan, and shortly before he died, he had bought playoff tickets for his girlfriend and her family. He called me afterward and complained about everything — the seats, the food, the parking. At that time, though, it didn’t mean to me that he was struggling mentally. I thought maybe it was growing pains because he was dealing with the stuff that comes with being an adult. He was working as a barber, and he had [bills to pay].
The other thing was that his girlfriend was going off to college, trying to experience the college thing, and he started getting jealous about all the things she was doing there without him. So, there was conflict, and she wound up breaking up with him. I wanted him to stay home for a bit because I felt like he was distressed. But he told me everything was going to be okay, and he needed to get back to work in Wappingers [New York].
Donna had encouraged James to make an appointment with a psychiatrist because of his changes in behavior and everything that had been going on in recent weeks. He signed paperwork and scheduled an appointment.
The day that changed their lives forever: Donna had spoken to him. James told her he was going to Buffalo Wild Wings and then to see the psychiatrist. He said he would call her after the appointment. Donna later got a call from his girlfriend who said that James had FaceTimed her to say he loved her and that she thought she saw a gun in his car. So, Donna tried to call James several times. Then, she called the police, but he was already gone. They had found a body in the park but hadn’t identified the person. She knew deep down that it was James. Afterward, the police told her that James had left a note on his phone for her: ‘I love you. My mother’s name is Donna Thomas. Her phone number is…’ The note had been written before he called her. He never went to the psychiatrist. He went to the park to end his life instead.
The day that changed their lives forever: Donna had spoken to him. James told her he was going to Buffalo Wild Wings and then to see the psychiatrist. He said he would call her after the appointment. Donna later got a call from his girlfriend who said that James had FaceTimed her to say he loved her and that she thought she saw a gun in his car. So, Donna tried to call James several times. Then, she called the police, but he was already gone. They had found a body in the park but hadn’t identified the person. She knew deep down that it was James. Afterward, the police told her that James had left a note on his phone for her: ‘I love you. My mother’s name is Donna Thomas. Her phone number is…’ The note had been written before he called her. He never went to the psychiatrist. He went to the park to end his life instead.
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When did you realize it was your calling to help others and to shed light on the stigma that surrounds mental health?
James died in 2018, and it was during COVID that I started talking to Dr. Jaimee Arnoff, a local psychologist, about the idea I had to make parents and students aware of what suicide could look like. I wanted to tell James’s story. I developed a program with Dr. Jamie. We established a nonprofit. Then, I just started hitting schools up. During COVID, we did presentations via Google Meets and Zoom. After COVID, we started presenting in person. Last year, we spoke to 6,800 students. And we now have parent conferences before the student presentations. It allows parents to open a line of conversation with their kids. I tell parents that the hardest part is not asking the question ‘Are you suicidal?’ It’s being open to listening to what your child has to say because you may not be prepared for the answer. We also do presentations with staff at the school. After all, bullying situations today weigh very heavy. It’s now 24/7 — it doesn’t end in school. We talk about how we speak to each other and how it impacts others. I worked in a school — in in-school suspension— so I’ve talked to a lot of kids [about how others’ words affect them]. It’s so important for all of us to speak to each other with respect. |
Wappingers Junior High School (2023)
L to R: Terrence Thompson, principal, Donna Thomas, Dr. Jaimee Arnoff, Dawn Cavaccini, RJ D’Angelo & Yesenia Barca Photo Courtesy: James's Warr;ors |
How did this tragedy affect your family dynamic?
James's Graduation from Paul Mitchell the School, 2018
L to R: Bobby, James & Donna Thomas Photo Courtesy: James's Warr;ors |
In the beginning, everyone was focusing on me and my husband. My husband blamed himself. Right before James died, when I thought he should see a psychiatrist, my husband told me not to be over dramatic; he told me that James was just trying to figure out his life. That first year, my husband lived on the couch. He just didn’t deal with anything. We just coexisted for a long time. He struggled with the pain and anxiety and wound up having a stroke.
Shannon [Donna’s daughter] was in a school we had just moved to the year before, and she was a mess. She was 16 and in 11th grade, and she was supposed to be studying for SATs. She winds up going to The College of Saint Rose, and COVID hit. She was isolated in her room, and the therapist said that I had to get her home. Her depression was extensive. We had a lot of therapy off and on. Truthfully, it’s just been the last eight months or so that she is starting to really combat her depression. She goes to the gym every day and talks a lot about her feelings. I had to learn from her, too, because I don’t know what it’s like to lose a brother. One time she came home and told me that when her father and I die, she has no one. At first, they were both resentful of James's Warr;ors…that I was spending so much time on this. But I thought they were spending so much time being negative, and I needed to feel positive. I had always volunteered in the community and schools, so it would be typical for me to do something like this — to give back to the community, which helped me feel better. What has helped you most on your personal grief journey? I was very fortunate. Right after James died, I was contacted through a friend that there was a study being done at Columbia University about grief and genetics [and the relationship with suicide]. Those psychiatrists helped me with all those negative thoughts that were going on in my mind. I literally wasn’t sleeping. I was having vivid, false memories of being in the car when James shot himself. I learned how to train my brain to stop the negative thoughts, to change my mindset. The more you stop the negative thoughts, the less the brain will send them. |
The minute I get up, I think of three things I’m grateful for. I meditate. I journal. I stop and give myself a rest. I write down three goals for the day and three I’d like to get done.
There are some days I need to feel the sadness because that’s part of the journey, too. But I don’t linger there. I tell people that I’ll taste the grief, but I’m not going to swallow it.
In general, what are signs that may lead to suicide or self-harm?
One of the signs is a loss of interest in things the person used to enjoy. A change in perception could be off as well; for instance, a perception that someone is being mean to you when they’re not. A lack of interest in doing well at school or not wanting to go to school or work might be a sign. There could be frustration and anger. James didn’t isolate, but some do.
So, it's really very different for every individual.
There are some days I need to feel the sadness because that’s part of the journey, too. But I don’t linger there. I tell people that I’ll taste the grief, but I’m not going to swallow it.
In general, what are signs that may lead to suicide or self-harm?
One of the signs is a loss of interest in things the person used to enjoy. A change in perception could be off as well; for instance, a perception that someone is being mean to you when they’re not. A lack of interest in doing well at school or not wanting to go to school or work might be a sign. There could be frustration and anger. James didn’t isolate, but some do.
So, it's really very different for every individual.
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Yes.
What advice do you give parents? I tell parents to teach their kids that it’s okay to deal with emotion and that what is happening now will change. I also tell parents to acknowledge their gut flips. When you start to see change, then you should start questioning things. Also, as parents, we have to be flexible in making the time to listen when [our kids] want to talk, not when it’s a [convenient] time for us to talk. I tell parents that all of your relationships will change — not always for the worse, but you have to work on them. Personally, I’m very lucky. I have a lot of supportive people. James’s Warr;ors tagline reads: "No one walks alone." Please explain. Even though you feel like you are dealing with things by yourself, that’s not true. The kids love wearing the James’s Warr;ors tee shirts because it means something to them. They feel like they belong to something. We tell them that they matter — that they are a blessing. |
Ballston Spa High School, 2022
Chelsea Morse, Tara Alverson, Lisa Perrone, Donna Thomas, Kathleen Miller & Janellen Clark Photo Courtesy: James's Warr;ors |
I read the following on your organization’s Instagram page: “Some will say to parents whose child has died, you are so brave. You are so strong. Some will say, you have so many people who care about you. The unfortunate truth is that when the wave of grief hits, the loneliness and silence is unbearable. You don’t feel any of those things!”
What do grieving parents need in the immediate aftermath? Down the road?
All the things I say are from my experience. Everybody is different. But when someone asks about what they can do, I tell them you can do the basic things that those who are grieving can’t do. Send food and household supplies. Hire a dog walker. Mow their lawn. Those little things help so much because they can’t function. And make the meals so that they are freezable because no one is eating in the beginning. You feel like you are on a hamster wheel. Everyone else resumes life, and you’re just trying to catch up.
Afterwards, allow them to speak without giving advice. Hold their hands and make eye contact. Unless you’ve gone through it, you can’t imagine. Every morning, there’s that one second that I’m like, ah good morning. Then, reality hits. I even plan for this. You learn to manage it.
What do grieving parents need in the immediate aftermath? Down the road?
All the things I say are from my experience. Everybody is different. But when someone asks about what they can do, I tell them you can do the basic things that those who are grieving can’t do. Send food and household supplies. Hire a dog walker. Mow their lawn. Those little things help so much because they can’t function. And make the meals so that they are freezable because no one is eating in the beginning. You feel like you are on a hamster wheel. Everyone else resumes life, and you’re just trying to catch up.
Afterwards, allow them to speak without giving advice. Hold their hands and make eye contact. Unless you’ve gone through it, you can’t imagine. Every morning, there’s that one second that I’m like, ah good morning. Then, reality hits. I even plan for this. You learn to manage it.
What is the Annual Mother's Retreat?
They’re amazing. We meet in Saratoga on the lake. This is free for the mothers. We have food donated. There’s a meet and greet. We have a spiritual advisor who sets up on the lake. We teach them how to journal and give them prompts. It’s very magical. We have a yoga instructor come, and we do stretches. We have a tea ceremony through which we sit in silence and learn to focus on our senses. By this time, we know each other, and we go into town for dinner. We talk and laugh. This part isn’t clinical.
After the retreat, we do a Google meet once a month. If someone is particularly struggling, we’ll just send a note out, and people can jump on.
What challenges does your organization have?
It is so hard to get funding. One of the things we’d like to do is to start a sibling program. I didn’t realize at the time that Shannon didn’t get enough attention. I’d also love to eventually do a father’s retreat. But all of these things need funding.
Find information on James's Warr;ors' past events.
Where do you find sanctuary?
Within myself. I’ve learned to do things by myself [and be comfortable with that]. I’ll hit golf balls or have dinner. I do not feel alone. And I can regroup out in nature. I will lie down in the grass like a kid. You have to do those things that make you light. I am who I am, and I’m okay with that now. I am totally okay with my mistakes. I’m okay with how I address people. And this is because I spent time with myself — the person I really am.
They’re amazing. We meet in Saratoga on the lake. This is free for the mothers. We have food donated. There’s a meet and greet. We have a spiritual advisor who sets up on the lake. We teach them how to journal and give them prompts. It’s very magical. We have a yoga instructor come, and we do stretches. We have a tea ceremony through which we sit in silence and learn to focus on our senses. By this time, we know each other, and we go into town for dinner. We talk and laugh. This part isn’t clinical.
After the retreat, we do a Google meet once a month. If someone is particularly struggling, we’ll just send a note out, and people can jump on.
What challenges does your organization have?
It is so hard to get funding. One of the things we’d like to do is to start a sibling program. I didn’t realize at the time that Shannon didn’t get enough attention. I’d also love to eventually do a father’s retreat. But all of these things need funding.
Find information on James's Warr;ors' past events.
Where do you find sanctuary?
Within myself. I’ve learned to do things by myself [and be comfortable with that]. I’ll hit golf balls or have dinner. I do not feel alone. And I can regroup out in nature. I will lie down in the grass like a kid. You have to do those things that make you light. I am who I am, and I’m okay with that now. I am totally okay with my mistakes. I’m okay with how I address people. And this is because I spent time with myself — the person I really am.
