Healthy Mind
Is Your Body Battery Drained Because You Don’t Know When to Say ‘No?’
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By Jillian Crocetta
Two years ago, I wrote an article for Sanctuary titled “Creating New Friendships as a Twentysomething.” One of my central pieces of advice for those twentysomethings yearning to make new friends outside of their college years was to say “yes” as often as they could. It worked for me, after all. “Say ‘yes’ to that comedy show on a Tuesday night that you would have otherwise bailed on, drinks on a Wednesday night after work, or the party on Friday that was a little too late for your liking.” I wrote like the optimist I was. I said it because it was sage advice for me when I just moved to a new city and needed that push to leave the house.
But now, I want to amend that “say yes” statement, because it has been two years, and I am tired. Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes I still need to remind myself that socializing with friends can be healing amidst the stresses of work, family, and life in general. But sometimes I don’t want to go to a comedy show on a Tuesday night because I know I won’t get home until late, and I need to get up early for work. Maybe I’d rather watch Love Island with my partner. You know that feeling. It's the one when you start to imagine all of the things you’d rather be doing. So, balance your yeses and nos. Say “no” when you’re feeling overwhelmed, or your gut is just telling you it’s too much.
Two years ago, I wrote an article for Sanctuary titled “Creating New Friendships as a Twentysomething.” One of my central pieces of advice for those twentysomethings yearning to make new friends outside of their college years was to say “yes” as often as they could. It worked for me, after all. “Say ‘yes’ to that comedy show on a Tuesday night that you would have otherwise bailed on, drinks on a Wednesday night after work, or the party on Friday that was a little too late for your liking.” I wrote like the optimist I was. I said it because it was sage advice for me when I just moved to a new city and needed that push to leave the house.
But now, I want to amend that “say yes” statement, because it has been two years, and I am tired. Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes I still need to remind myself that socializing with friends can be healing amidst the stresses of work, family, and life in general. But sometimes I don’t want to go to a comedy show on a Tuesday night because I know I won’t get home until late, and I need to get up early for work. Maybe I’d rather watch Love Island with my partner. You know that feeling. It's the one when you start to imagine all of the things you’d rather be doing. So, balance your yeses and nos. Say “no” when you’re feeling overwhelmed, or your gut is just telling you it’s too much.
It’s Just a Word, So Just Say It
I know, easier said than done. True, it is just a word, but it is a big word, and if you aren’t careful, you can start envisioning all the hypothetical repercussions.
“It’s the simplest thing you can do for yourself, and yet, a lot of us find it so daunting. We get caught up in how our friends will react when we tell them ‘no,’” says Erica Petosa, a Licensed Master Social Worker (LMSW).
I’ve convinced myself on several occasions that my friends will stop asking me to go out for dinner or to a party if I didn’t always default to saying “yes.” But I realize now that this is simply a reflection my own insecurities, particularly my fear of being excluded, or missing out on an important conversation.
Admittedly, “yes” can be an easier word to say. It doesn’t demand follow-up questions. We, as a society, but particularly women, place so much weight on “no,” like it is a rejection rather than a proclamation. We feel like we owe it to our family and friends to say yes. And if we say no, we feel like we owe an explanation. We lament over the reactions someone may have or the presuppositions someone may make. This can spiral in our own minds, but as Petosa explains to her clients, “Those who actually care about your well-being will not care if you agree to that after-work drink or if you don’t.”
And isn’t that the truth. Remind yourself of this when you start to catastrophize. Sometimes we need that snippet of rational self-talk. We give our people less credit when we start to overthink.
Take Mental Inventory
I know, easier said than done. True, it is just a word, but it is a big word, and if you aren’t careful, you can start envisioning all the hypothetical repercussions.
“It’s the simplest thing you can do for yourself, and yet, a lot of us find it so daunting. We get caught up in how our friends will react when we tell them ‘no,’” says Erica Petosa, a Licensed Master Social Worker (LMSW).
I’ve convinced myself on several occasions that my friends will stop asking me to go out for dinner or to a party if I didn’t always default to saying “yes.” But I realize now that this is simply a reflection my own insecurities, particularly my fear of being excluded, or missing out on an important conversation.
Admittedly, “yes” can be an easier word to say. It doesn’t demand follow-up questions. We, as a society, but particularly women, place so much weight on “no,” like it is a rejection rather than a proclamation. We feel like we owe it to our family and friends to say yes. And if we say no, we feel like we owe an explanation. We lament over the reactions someone may have or the presuppositions someone may make. This can spiral in our own minds, but as Petosa explains to her clients, “Those who actually care about your well-being will not care if you agree to that after-work drink or if you don’t.”
And isn’t that the truth. Remind yourself of this when you start to catastrophize. Sometimes we need that snippet of rational self-talk. We give our people less credit when we start to overthink.
Take Mental Inventory
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Sometimes, saying “yes” can feel like a gut reaction. I’ll say it before I even understand what it means. And before long, I say it again and again without thinking, until my calendar is full, and there is no time left to do things just for me.
So, take time to pause when you receive an invite and really think about your energy level. Petosa explains, “An analogy I often use is to think of yourself as a battery. When a battery for a phone, computer, etc., reaches zero percent, it is drained of the power it needs to function. And when we recharge the battery, we often won’t use it again until it’s at least 50 percent. So, the takeaway is this: Don’t let yourself get to zero percent — or even 50 percent.” |
Petosa explains, “An analogy I often use is to think of yourself as a battery. When a battery for a phone, computer, etc., reaches zero percent, it is drained of the power it needs to function. And when we recharge the battery, we often won’t use it again until it’s at least 50 percent. So, the takeaway is this: Don’t let yourself get to zero percent — or even 50 percent.” |
“And how do we do that? We say ‘no!’” Petosa says. “If you feel your battery getting low, it’s a sign that you need to replenish your body with what it needs.”
And your body may need different things at different times. Sometimes, saying “no” may mean that you instead give yourself a night to order takeout food and binge a TV show. But sometimes “no” can be offering an alternative plan. Perhaps you might suggest the following: Instead of going out to that crowded bar that always makes us yell over loud music, why don't you come here for a glass of wine?
Prioritize Your Health
Constantly saying “yes” will eventually wear you down. I’m no longer that twenty-three-year-old optimist with unlimited energy to burn. But truth be told, whether we are in our twenties or fifties, no one has unlimited energy to burn. I never did. Perhaps I had a bit more with priorities that were centered on meeting people and trying new things. My battery drains faster now, and my priorities have shifted, too. As a result, it takes less to get me to that place where I am feeling overwhelmed.
So, be kind to yourself. Say “no” when needed to preserve your strength and energy. Listen to the boundaries you’ve set for yourself, and listen to your body before you run out of battery.
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Jillian Crocetta is a New York City-based human resources professional and freelance writer/editor who enjoys writing in the areas of identity, place, empowerment, and health & wellness. Jillian is pursuing an MFA in creative nonfiction at Queens College. In addition to the articles she has written for Sanctuary, her work has been published in Guesthouse and New Voices, among other publications.
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