Play & Book Excerpts
Abundant Soul-utions
(Amplify Publishing)
© Chris Atley
Stay tuned for a Coffee & Conversation chat with Chris concerning the topic:
Executive Burnout: Relationship Between Self-Care & Success
Scheduled for July 18
Executive Burnout: Relationship Between Self-Care & Success
Scheduled for July 18
“IF IT’S NOT AN ABSOLUTE YES, IT’S A NO”
Excerpt from Chapter 4 of Abundant Soul-utions by Chris Atley
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Excerpt from Chapter 4 of Abundant Soul-utions by Chris Atley
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Everyone has a core limiting belief. It’s some form of not enoughness, with you believing you are lacking something in some way. Whether you’ve accepted thoughts about not being good enough, smart enough, safe enough, or even the fear of not being loveable. Deep down, we’re afraid of being found out. We do not want to experience the pain of this feeling. And so we stay where we are. Where we say yes when we really want to say no and where we don’t say yes enough to our own desires and needs. And let’s be clear, in this context, it applies to something you are not keen on doing but are too afraid to refuse, so you do it anyway. We are the ones making these decisions, though, and are in complete control. It’s liberating but also scary at the same time to think about changing this.
“I’m good”—That’s how my thirteen-year-old daughter says no to the things she doesn’t want to do. We can’t argue with that, right? It’s clear and respectful. No matter what stage women entrepreneurs are in their growth, it’s this beauty I see popping up all throughout. But saying no to others can feel unsafe, at least at first.
At our core we are afraid of the judgement we will receive from others. We are afraid of others judging us on whether or not we are good enough or whether or not we are essentially a good person and worthy of love deep down. And we will avoid this feeling like the plague. None of us want to feel like a bad person or unloved, and so we do everything, and I mean everything, to avoid this.
We also have to understand that at a deep core, primal level, we simply do not want to be alone. As humans, our primal instinct is to be a part of the group, to belong. It’s no secret that people have been kicked out of the group for thinking differently or, in extreme cases, even being killed for having differing beliefs. We have a deep-seated fear of going against the group, so we stay complacent and trapped in our people-pleasing mode.
Using psychologist Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, love and belonging are right there in the middle of our most important needs. Having a sense of belonging in a group has been proven to not only motivate us but to also help us feel accepted, connected, and safe. This sense of belonging has also been found in a recent study to increase overall happiness and therefore decrease anxiety. And so, this need to belong and fit in not only feels good but it also improves our mental health. It’s not just about the fear of being alone. It’s farther reaching than that.
At a higher, more spiritual level, this is also prevalent. If we believe we are all a part of something bigger, then it makes sense that we have an inherent desire to connect with one another. We crave the connection. This connection with others is how we give and receive love, which is ultimately what we’re looking for. It’s the ego that wants us to stay separate and apart, distanced and isolated from others, constantly judging and comparing ourselves with others.
We tend to go about it in a dysfunctional way though. We choose pleasing others over our own happiness. This in turn creates feelings of helplessness and a lack of control over our own lives. We become powerless in our own decision-making, breeding resentment instead of the love and the connections we actually long for.
When we start saying no, we put out a powerful energy to the universe. We are saying we are worthy of creating lives we love. And we start getting loving opportunities back in all areas of our lives, not just business results.
Saying no to people is a lifelong lesson and takes us to deeper depths the more we do it. This isn’t easy work. It’s usually a little rough when we first start out, so cut yourself a break as you get started. We have to remember it will take time to change our belief systems. It also takes the people in our lives a minute to catch up. They are also used to us showing up and responding in a certain way.
Let’s look at creating your version of saying no. What can no sound like when you actually say it out loud? Some examples are “I’m good” (taken from my daughter’s playbook), or “That’s not going to work for me, but I appreciate you asking,” or “I won’t be able to make that work.” Jot down your version now. Then think about one person you’ve been avoiding saying no to, and commit to addressing them this coming week. Like always, to make it happen, assign a date and put it on your calendar.
If you’re unsure if you want to say yes or no in the moment or can’t think of something to say on the spot, you can also say something like, “Let me check my schedule and circle back.” I find the more I set boundaries in my life and over my time, the less I want to commit to too many plans up front. I don’t know how I’m going to feel in three weeks, and so I’m not going to commit to long-term social plans.
Let’s tune in. What are you saying yes to? Is it people and projects that truly inspire and motivate you? Or are you simply saying yes out of a sense of obligation? We also want to look at how you are conducting yourself within your business. For example, you might be working with a client you love but are allowing yourself to be available 24-7, which creates a depletion of your energy and deepens feelings of resentment. Go ahead and jot down everything that comes to mind that pertains to giving away your power. Identify the people, places, and things that are taking up precious time that you could be spending differently.
On the resource page of my website, there is a fun values exercise that will help you identify your top three values. Go ahead and do this now, or make time on your calendar to go back and do it a little later.
Once you have identified your top values, you can look at creating an empowered calendar that supports them. Where do you need to tweak and shift what you’re doing so that your decisions about your time align with your values? It’s important to note that this applies to both work and home life. For example, if family is one of your values, but you are putting clients first all the time by taking calls at all hours, you may need to set some boundaries with client communication. On the flip side, if financial freedom is a value, but you’re not sticking to set work hours, you may need to set some parameters with your partner and family. Block off time on your calendar to recognize and honour your values, and start tuning into them when you are making decisions about how best to use your time.
You now have clarity on what is important to you and have a plan for creating an empowered schedule that incorporates your values. You are giving yourself permission to design a life you love accordingly, where there is room for your own needs and those of your clients and family. This is self-care at its highest order.
“I’m good”—That’s how my thirteen-year-old daughter says no to the things she doesn’t want to do. We can’t argue with that, right? It’s clear and respectful. No matter what stage women entrepreneurs are in their growth, it’s this beauty I see popping up all throughout. But saying no to others can feel unsafe, at least at first.
At our core we are afraid of the judgement we will receive from others. We are afraid of others judging us on whether or not we are good enough or whether or not we are essentially a good person and worthy of love deep down. And we will avoid this feeling like the plague. None of us want to feel like a bad person or unloved, and so we do everything, and I mean everything, to avoid this.
We also have to understand that at a deep core, primal level, we simply do not want to be alone. As humans, our primal instinct is to be a part of the group, to belong. It’s no secret that people have been kicked out of the group for thinking differently or, in extreme cases, even being killed for having differing beliefs. We have a deep-seated fear of going against the group, so we stay complacent and trapped in our people-pleasing mode.
Using psychologist Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, love and belonging are right there in the middle of our most important needs. Having a sense of belonging in a group has been proven to not only motivate us but to also help us feel accepted, connected, and safe. This sense of belonging has also been found in a recent study to increase overall happiness and therefore decrease anxiety. And so, this need to belong and fit in not only feels good but it also improves our mental health. It’s not just about the fear of being alone. It’s farther reaching than that.
At a higher, more spiritual level, this is also prevalent. If we believe we are all a part of something bigger, then it makes sense that we have an inherent desire to connect with one another. We crave the connection. This connection with others is how we give and receive love, which is ultimately what we’re looking for. It’s the ego that wants us to stay separate and apart, distanced and isolated from others, constantly judging and comparing ourselves with others.
We tend to go about it in a dysfunctional way though. We choose pleasing others over our own happiness. This in turn creates feelings of helplessness and a lack of control over our own lives. We become powerless in our own decision-making, breeding resentment instead of the love and the connections we actually long for.
When we start saying no, we put out a powerful energy to the universe. We are saying we are worthy of creating lives we love. And we start getting loving opportunities back in all areas of our lives, not just business results.
Saying no to people is a lifelong lesson and takes us to deeper depths the more we do it. This isn’t easy work. It’s usually a little rough when we first start out, so cut yourself a break as you get started. We have to remember it will take time to change our belief systems. It also takes the people in our lives a minute to catch up. They are also used to us showing up and responding in a certain way.
Let’s look at creating your version of saying no. What can no sound like when you actually say it out loud? Some examples are “I’m good” (taken from my daughter’s playbook), or “That’s not going to work for me, but I appreciate you asking,” or “I won’t be able to make that work.” Jot down your version now. Then think about one person you’ve been avoiding saying no to, and commit to addressing them this coming week. Like always, to make it happen, assign a date and put it on your calendar.
If you’re unsure if you want to say yes or no in the moment or can’t think of something to say on the spot, you can also say something like, “Let me check my schedule and circle back.” I find the more I set boundaries in my life and over my time, the less I want to commit to too many plans up front. I don’t know how I’m going to feel in three weeks, and so I’m not going to commit to long-term social plans.
Let’s tune in. What are you saying yes to? Is it people and projects that truly inspire and motivate you? Or are you simply saying yes out of a sense of obligation? We also want to look at how you are conducting yourself within your business. For example, you might be working with a client you love but are allowing yourself to be available 24-7, which creates a depletion of your energy and deepens feelings of resentment. Go ahead and jot down everything that comes to mind that pertains to giving away your power. Identify the people, places, and things that are taking up precious time that you could be spending differently.
On the resource page of my website, there is a fun values exercise that will help you identify your top three values. Go ahead and do this now, or make time on your calendar to go back and do it a little later.
Once you have identified your top values, you can look at creating an empowered calendar that supports them. Where do you need to tweak and shift what you’re doing so that your decisions about your time align with your values? It’s important to note that this applies to both work and home life. For example, if family is one of your values, but you are putting clients first all the time by taking calls at all hours, you may need to set some boundaries with client communication. On the flip side, if financial freedom is a value, but you’re not sticking to set work hours, you may need to set some parameters with your partner and family. Block off time on your calendar to recognize and honour your values, and start tuning into them when you are making decisions about how best to use your time.
You now have clarity on what is important to you and have a plan for creating an empowered schedule that incorporates your values. You are giving yourself permission to design a life you love accordingly, where there is room for your own needs and those of your clients and family. This is self-care at its highest order.
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Chris Atley is the CEO and founder of Decisions by Design and an award-winning success coach and international speaker who has made it her life’s mission to figure out the limitless potential we all have access to.
As an NLP master coach, Chris has helped thousands of female entrepreneurs tap into their own inner resources to create the businesses and lives they have always imagined. She believes self-care is the key to connecting the dots between the subconscious mind and manifesting. Chris speaks on stages around the world and has been featured by TEDx, the Wall Street Journal, and Bloomberg Radio, to name a few. She has a bachelor’s degree in psychology from Wilfrid Laurier University and has attained many coaching certifications specializing in belief-breakthrough modalities. Canadian-born, Chris now resides in a small beach town in San Diego, California. |
Photo Courtesy: Chris Atley
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