Healthy Mind
Shooting PAR: Staying Positive through the Storms of Life
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I have been golfing longer than I’ve been practicing psychology. I have weathered a few hurricanes - literally - including the “big one,” Hurricane Andrew in 1992. My training as a psychologist and my coaching as a golfer was proof positive that one can “shoot par” even in the worst of storms – no matter if it’s a terrifying hurricane or a frightening pandemic.
While in graduate school in New York, a brilliant professor, Shlomo Breznitz, Ph.D., gave a lecture on the stress of hurricane preparedness. Dr. Breznitz had published research on the psychology of preparedness and desensitization. Ironically, a few months after graduating from the program, I was with family in Miami preparing for Hurricane Andrew (August 1992). Of course, as a golfer, I found myself taking advantage of the breezy conditions that heralded the oncoming hurricane. While some neighbors anxiously filled up their gas tanks and grocery carts, others ineffectively anticipated the storm in a motionless state of anxiety. Thanks to Dr. Breznitz, I took heed of the warnings and was grateful for having a few days to prepare for the hurricane’s arrival. Instead of over-preparing the day before the storm, my cousins and I enjoyed a stress-busting round of golf in 25 mph gusts that propelled my ball further than it had ever gone. My cousins and I made more pars that pre-Andrew day than ever before…or ever since. Do I remember how bad Hurricane Andrew was? Yes. Do I feel sorrow for the loss and destruction of a beloved town? Yes. Even though my cousins lost their house in the hurricane, we still smile about the day we shared before it hit, defying Andrew’s wrath by being happy.
Often, the field of psychology focuses on the emotional “clean up” effort from a lifetime of storms. In the past, the disease model of psychology was the focus of study and practice. This model emphasized what was “wrong” and the negative aspects of life that impacted functioning. Instead, I believe in the framework of Positive Psychology that focuses on “what works” and what is most useful in helping people prepare for the inevitable storms of life.
There are some storms we will have to endure where we have little or no control about what we must face. However, we do have control over how we react to the circumstances of the storm. I call this “shooting PAR,” and it represents three phases of Positive Psychology: Prepare, Accommodate, and Reframe (PAR).
PREPARE:
Identify the storm, the stressor, or the situation that’s ahead of you. Anticipate and prepare by shielding yourself with the armor of Positive Psychology. Decide how you will prepare physically and emotionally for the situation. Be mindful of your needs, but also of your goals. Prepare with a purpose, thinking about “how might I want to come out of this situation?” Set goals for how you would like to manage situations of stress, not simply react to them. Decide before the crisis what steps you can take to prepare for and ultimately manage the negative feelings of fear, doubt and anger. Prepare for emotional setbacks and how you can best overcome negative self-talk, as well as criticism of others coping with the stress.
One positive strategy is to get yourself and family members involved in concrete tasks to feel more prepared and in control. In our “storm situation,” we had each family member assigned to getting specific supplies and preparing the house. Teach practical skills that can be used through the lifespan, such as organizing your important documents, placing photo albums in plastic bins, packing a first-aid kit, securing supplies in water-proof bags, and loading up buckets of fresh water. Make preparation fun and positive, but keep moving forward.
Prepare with a purpose and don’t only focus on yourself. Take the “I,” the “Me,” and the “Mine” out of the situation by focusing on goals.
Model positive behavior in a crisis situation. For instance, I taught my daughter how to prepare in practical ways for a hurricane. These modeled coping strategies and behaviors pay off in future situations.
Another effective strategy is to engage in activities that help others and to be a positive light for others. For example, our family helped evacuate some elderly friends to hotels before the storm. We also checked on the homes of neighbors who were forced to evacuate. During this pandemic, you might occasionally check on elderly, isolated neighbors to be sure they have enough food or necessary supplies.
ACCOMMODATE:
We live in a world where we are bombarded with negativity, but how we perceive our experiences and compartmentalize events can help us manage life’s stressors.
A wise man once taught me that stress is resistance to “what is.” Ask yourself what you may be resisting. Is it the stress of not making a good decision or not preparing in advance? Don’t look back or dwell on past experiences while in the midst of your storm. Instead, be in the present and don’t focus on what you could have done or should have done. Imagine yourself moving forward through the experience, and apply these additional tips:
REFRAME:
How we process a situation, even a stressful one, will ultimately shape our memory of it. This is how the previous two steps in PAR – prepare and accommodate - will “tee you up” for positive reframing.
In your mind build a positive “frame” around the experience. Deciding to positively rethink and reframe an event will propel you forward and upward. Do not dwell on the negative. Instead, actively think about the situation in a positive way. What did you do right? What did you learn? How did you model positive behaviors for others?
Think of your mind as a giant file cabinet. How you file information will later dictate how you find it. Positive reframing takes practice. Remember that resiliency builds upon self-efficacy. Enhance the reframing stage with some gratitude and thanks.
When you find a pebble of positivity in every situation, a mountain of possibilities will emerge on your horizon.
While in graduate school in New York, a brilliant professor, Shlomo Breznitz, Ph.D., gave a lecture on the stress of hurricane preparedness. Dr. Breznitz had published research on the psychology of preparedness and desensitization. Ironically, a few months after graduating from the program, I was with family in Miami preparing for Hurricane Andrew (August 1992). Of course, as a golfer, I found myself taking advantage of the breezy conditions that heralded the oncoming hurricane. While some neighbors anxiously filled up their gas tanks and grocery carts, others ineffectively anticipated the storm in a motionless state of anxiety. Thanks to Dr. Breznitz, I took heed of the warnings and was grateful for having a few days to prepare for the hurricane’s arrival. Instead of over-preparing the day before the storm, my cousins and I enjoyed a stress-busting round of golf in 25 mph gusts that propelled my ball further than it had ever gone. My cousins and I made more pars that pre-Andrew day than ever before…or ever since. Do I remember how bad Hurricane Andrew was? Yes. Do I feel sorrow for the loss and destruction of a beloved town? Yes. Even though my cousins lost their house in the hurricane, we still smile about the day we shared before it hit, defying Andrew’s wrath by being happy.
Often, the field of psychology focuses on the emotional “clean up” effort from a lifetime of storms. In the past, the disease model of psychology was the focus of study and practice. This model emphasized what was “wrong” and the negative aspects of life that impacted functioning. Instead, I believe in the framework of Positive Psychology that focuses on “what works” and what is most useful in helping people prepare for the inevitable storms of life.
There are some storms we will have to endure where we have little or no control about what we must face. However, we do have control over how we react to the circumstances of the storm. I call this “shooting PAR,” and it represents three phases of Positive Psychology: Prepare, Accommodate, and Reframe (PAR).
PREPARE:
Identify the storm, the stressor, or the situation that’s ahead of you. Anticipate and prepare by shielding yourself with the armor of Positive Psychology. Decide how you will prepare physically and emotionally for the situation. Be mindful of your needs, but also of your goals. Prepare with a purpose, thinking about “how might I want to come out of this situation?” Set goals for how you would like to manage situations of stress, not simply react to them. Decide before the crisis what steps you can take to prepare for and ultimately manage the negative feelings of fear, doubt and anger. Prepare for emotional setbacks and how you can best overcome negative self-talk, as well as criticism of others coping with the stress.
One positive strategy is to get yourself and family members involved in concrete tasks to feel more prepared and in control. In our “storm situation,” we had each family member assigned to getting specific supplies and preparing the house. Teach practical skills that can be used through the lifespan, such as organizing your important documents, placing photo albums in plastic bins, packing a first-aid kit, securing supplies in water-proof bags, and loading up buckets of fresh water. Make preparation fun and positive, but keep moving forward.
Prepare with a purpose and don’t only focus on yourself. Take the “I,” the “Me,” and the “Mine” out of the situation by focusing on goals.
Model positive behavior in a crisis situation. For instance, I taught my daughter how to prepare in practical ways for a hurricane. These modeled coping strategies and behaviors pay off in future situations.
Another effective strategy is to engage in activities that help others and to be a positive light for others. For example, our family helped evacuate some elderly friends to hotels before the storm. We also checked on the homes of neighbors who were forced to evacuate. During this pandemic, you might occasionally check on elderly, isolated neighbors to be sure they have enough food or necessary supplies.
ACCOMMODATE:
We live in a world where we are bombarded with negativity, but how we perceive our experiences and compartmentalize events can help us manage life’s stressors.
A wise man once taught me that stress is resistance to “what is.” Ask yourself what you may be resisting. Is it the stress of not making a good decision or not preparing in advance? Don’t look back or dwell on past experiences while in the midst of your storm. Instead, be in the present and don’t focus on what you could have done or should have done. Imagine yourself moving forward through the experience, and apply these additional tips:
- Stay in the present - don’t place emotions and other frustrations in the “storm drain.”
- Don’t blame those around you.
- Cloak yourself with a shield of positivity.
- Find bits of gratitude for each step forward.
- Try to do something positive for someone else.
- Breathe!
REFRAME:
How we process a situation, even a stressful one, will ultimately shape our memory of it. This is how the previous two steps in PAR – prepare and accommodate - will “tee you up” for positive reframing.
In your mind build a positive “frame” around the experience. Deciding to positively rethink and reframe an event will propel you forward and upward. Do not dwell on the negative. Instead, actively think about the situation in a positive way. What did you do right? What did you learn? How did you model positive behaviors for others?
Think of your mind as a giant file cabinet. How you file information will later dictate how you find it. Positive reframing takes practice. Remember that resiliency builds upon self-efficacy. Enhance the reframing stage with some gratitude and thanks.
When you find a pebble of positivity in every situation, a mountain of possibilities will emerge on your horizon.
Sherry Kelly, Ph.D., is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and Clinical Neuropsychologist. She was a National Cancer Institute Fellow and National Institute of Health (NIH) Fellow in Psycho-Oncology, as well as Neuropsychology at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center in New York City. She has also been an instructor of clinical medicine at Albert Einstein College of Medicine and Weill-Cornell Medical School. Dr. Kelly’s workshop PositiviTeens®, provides practical cognitive strategies for choosing happiness and can be customized for parents, teachers and teen audiences.
