Healthy Mind
The Art of Living When Things Don't Go Your way
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by Amy Beth Acker, LCSW
For most of us, 2020 has become a practice in learning how to live when things don’t go our way. Feeling blindsided, terrified, helpless, and furious seem to have become a perpetual state of being this year for my friends, my family, my psychotherapy clients, and myself.
We have had to learn and relearn that power and control are never something we truly possess. As we enter into the final weeks of 2020, we find ourselves unable to look toward the next year with much certainty about anything outside ourselves.
And yet, in all of this, there have been some profound shifts for many of us. Perhaps you’ve learned to let go of the illusion of control of the outside world. Maybe you have softened your expectations of yourself and others or deepened your capacity for compassion toward yourself and others.
For most of us, 2020 has become a practice in learning how to live when things don’t go our way. Feeling blindsided, terrified, helpless, and furious seem to have become a perpetual state of being this year for my friends, my family, my psychotherapy clients, and myself.
We have had to learn and relearn that power and control are never something we truly possess. As we enter into the final weeks of 2020, we find ourselves unable to look toward the next year with much certainty about anything outside ourselves.
And yet, in all of this, there have been some profound shifts for many of us. Perhaps you’ve learned to let go of the illusion of control of the outside world. Maybe you have softened your expectations of yourself and others or deepened your capacity for compassion toward yourself and others.
Many have started to recognize that living is much more of an art steeped in flexibility and creativity than an algorithm in which we can tightly control our inputs in order to control what comes back to us.
I’ve thought a lot lately about how to artfully live during these times of instability and uncertainty. I don’t want to merely survive the horror of what’s going on in the world. I want to come out of this with a deeper, more connected, and more trusting relationship with myself and with the world I live in.
Here are some thoughts to mull:
I’ve thought a lot lately about how to artfully live during these times of instability and uncertainty. I don’t want to merely survive the horror of what’s going on in the world. I want to come out of this with a deeper, more connected, and more trusting relationship with myself and with the world I live in.
Here are some thoughts to mull:
It’s Okay to Want Things to be Different
What do you want right now that you don’t have? How do you want things to be different?
We are designed as humans to have desires - to always seek the new and the better. This is not a bad thing. Our desires are what motivate us to grow, evolve, and to live as our most authentic selves.
However, as most of us know, desire can also have a dark side. When we become overly attached to what we desire, or when we believe that we will somehow be happier or more worthy when we have it, we create unnecessary suffering. On the other hand, denying our desires or shaming ourselves for them disconnects us from our humanity and erodes our relationship with our authentic selves. I believe the art of living includes allowing ourselves to hold our desires in one hand while finding safety and sufficiency in the present circumstances with the other.
For many, this year has brought trauma and grief - the loss of loved ones, the loss of a job, the loss of identity, and the loss of trust in those elected to ensure our safety. However, we can maintain hope for a better future because this keeps us moving forward when we feel stuck and lost.
Who Do You Want to Be in This?
Even when difficult circumstances are thrown at you, YOU get to decide how you want to show up. In fact, when all else has been lost, that’s the only thing that can’t be taken away.
Ask yourself: How can I create a sense of dignity and autonomy as well as a sense of feeling grounded in this moment? How can I move forward by using this experience to gain a deeper sense of who I am? Who do I want to be in this circumstance?
When we hold a deep connection to our values, we always have a direction to go in to take the next step, even if we don’t know where the path will end.
In my book, The Way of the Peaceful Woman: Awaken the Power of You, Create a Life You Love and Set Yourself Free (Clarity Books, 2019), I discuss that having a specific outcome you’re attached to is like putting a specific address in the GPS and deciding that life has gone wrong if you don’t wind up at that exact location. On the other hand, having a clear set of values is like getting in your car and driving west. Whether you drive one block or across the country, you’re still headed in the same direction - the direction that will benefit your soul.
Give yourself the gift of deciding what values you hold most sacred at this time in your life. These might have changed drastically since the beginning of the year as you’ve re-evaluated what’s most important to you, or they might be exactly the same as they’ve always been.
When we’re clear on our values, we get to decide how we’re showing up.
Allow Yourself to Embrace Moments of Pleasure
How would you treat a good friend who is struggling? Would you tell them to get over it or to hurry up and move on? Would you stay silent while they check out of life? Or would you come to them with compassion and curiosity, allowing them to feel seen and heard and honored in their experience?
When we learn to turn loving presence inward, we deepen our relationship with ourselves. We reinforce the goodness and sufficiency within us, and in that, we expand our capacity to befriend our circumstances.
When we are constantly bombarded with the level of suffering in the world right now, it can be hard to allow ourselves to embrace the moments of pleasure and joy when we find them. However, it’s important to remember that there’s no amount of suffering you can do to make others suffer less.
This doesn’t mean you’re indifferent to what’s happening or that you don’t take action. It just means you honor the fact that being authentic in your humanity means welcoming ALL feelings. We can let the positive and the negative feelings be there together. Remember that the more we connect with the goodness within us, the more we can take meaningful action to create more goodness in our surrounding world.
Creating Safety From Within
The safer we feel within ourselves, the safer the world will feel. Lack of internal safety comes with feelings of urgency, fear and judgment. Give yourself time and space. Allow yourself to be fully seen and heard - not just by others but by you.
This means taking time throughout the day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself what you need. Schedule breaks to get outside - even for a few minutes - to take some conscious breaths. Give yourself some space to write in a journal, even if it’s just one sentence. What matters isn’t how much you do, it’s how you show up for yourself.
When you’re struggling, you don’t need to try harder. You need to feel safer. Luckily, no matter what’s going on in the outside world or in your private world, the experience of safety is always something we have the power to gift ourselves.
What do you want right now that you don’t have? How do you want things to be different?
We are designed as humans to have desires - to always seek the new and the better. This is not a bad thing. Our desires are what motivate us to grow, evolve, and to live as our most authentic selves.
However, as most of us know, desire can also have a dark side. When we become overly attached to what we desire, or when we believe that we will somehow be happier or more worthy when we have it, we create unnecessary suffering. On the other hand, denying our desires or shaming ourselves for them disconnects us from our humanity and erodes our relationship with our authentic selves. I believe the art of living includes allowing ourselves to hold our desires in one hand while finding safety and sufficiency in the present circumstances with the other.
For many, this year has brought trauma and grief - the loss of loved ones, the loss of a job, the loss of identity, and the loss of trust in those elected to ensure our safety. However, we can maintain hope for a better future because this keeps us moving forward when we feel stuck and lost.
Who Do You Want to Be in This?
Even when difficult circumstances are thrown at you, YOU get to decide how you want to show up. In fact, when all else has been lost, that’s the only thing that can’t be taken away.
Ask yourself: How can I create a sense of dignity and autonomy as well as a sense of feeling grounded in this moment? How can I move forward by using this experience to gain a deeper sense of who I am? Who do I want to be in this circumstance?
When we hold a deep connection to our values, we always have a direction to go in to take the next step, even if we don’t know where the path will end.
In my book, The Way of the Peaceful Woman: Awaken the Power of You, Create a Life You Love and Set Yourself Free (Clarity Books, 2019), I discuss that having a specific outcome you’re attached to is like putting a specific address in the GPS and deciding that life has gone wrong if you don’t wind up at that exact location. On the other hand, having a clear set of values is like getting in your car and driving west. Whether you drive one block or across the country, you’re still headed in the same direction - the direction that will benefit your soul.
Give yourself the gift of deciding what values you hold most sacred at this time in your life. These might have changed drastically since the beginning of the year as you’ve re-evaluated what’s most important to you, or they might be exactly the same as they’ve always been.
When we’re clear on our values, we get to decide how we’re showing up.
Allow Yourself to Embrace Moments of Pleasure
How would you treat a good friend who is struggling? Would you tell them to get over it or to hurry up and move on? Would you stay silent while they check out of life? Or would you come to them with compassion and curiosity, allowing them to feel seen and heard and honored in their experience?
When we learn to turn loving presence inward, we deepen our relationship with ourselves. We reinforce the goodness and sufficiency within us, and in that, we expand our capacity to befriend our circumstances.
When we are constantly bombarded with the level of suffering in the world right now, it can be hard to allow ourselves to embrace the moments of pleasure and joy when we find them. However, it’s important to remember that there’s no amount of suffering you can do to make others suffer less.
This doesn’t mean you’re indifferent to what’s happening or that you don’t take action. It just means you honor the fact that being authentic in your humanity means welcoming ALL feelings. We can let the positive and the negative feelings be there together. Remember that the more we connect with the goodness within us, the more we can take meaningful action to create more goodness in our surrounding world.
Creating Safety From Within
The safer we feel within ourselves, the safer the world will feel. Lack of internal safety comes with feelings of urgency, fear and judgment. Give yourself time and space. Allow yourself to be fully seen and heard - not just by others but by you.
This means taking time throughout the day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself what you need. Schedule breaks to get outside - even for a few minutes - to take some conscious breaths. Give yourself some space to write in a journal, even if it’s just one sentence. What matters isn’t how much you do, it’s how you show up for yourself.
When you’re struggling, you don’t need to try harder. You need to feel safer. Luckily, no matter what’s going on in the outside world or in your private world, the experience of safety is always something we have the power to gift ourselves.
Amy Beth Acker, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in private practice in Somerville, NJ. She specializes in working with professional women who are struggling with anxiety, perfectionism, or people-pleasing. She is also the author of The Way of the Peaceful Woman: Awaken the Power of You, Create a Life You Love, and Set Yourself Free (excerpted HERE) and is a regular contributor for Sanctuary.
