Navigating Relationships
Your College Roomie: Bestie or Not, Make the Best of the Match
August 2024
By Jillian Crocetta
I met my freshman year roommate during an Accepted Students Day tour. We strolled into a four-story, brick dorm to take a look at living spaces. I peered into a room with concrete walls and two beds parallel to each other. The room looked incredibly lived-in and a little tight, but to my eighteen-year-old eyes, the room looked like a new adventure, too, and a taste of freedom that I was anxious to have.
After we exited the room, the girl I’d made small talk with asked if I’d like to room with her, and I said "yes" because she was kind, and I really didn’t want a roommate assignment to come as a dreadfully anticipated mystery in early August. I had enough nerves about starting college, and I didn’t need more.
I was lucky; she was really great. And since then, I’ve had three other roommates that I’ve shared a double bedroom with and several other “quadmates,” "housemates," and even “flatmates” (during the semester I studied in England).
Here’s the thing to know: Every roommate situation is temporary. There will be good moments and probably some not-so-good moments. I want to share what I’ve learned in hopes that whether you are about to be assigned your first roommate or are well into your fourth or fifth, you can still find solace in the universal feelings we have when we are living in a shared space.
“You Can’t Room with Friends” is a Myth
The old wives’ tale that living with your best friend will ruin your friendship is simply just that, an old tale. True, it can complicate things, but it is not guaranteed to ruin your friendship. Although it is important to consider the fact that FOMO (fear of missing out) exists in a heightened capacity when you are living with a friend.
I met my freshman year roommate during an Accepted Students Day tour. We strolled into a four-story, brick dorm to take a look at living spaces. I peered into a room with concrete walls and two beds parallel to each other. The room looked incredibly lived-in and a little tight, but to my eighteen-year-old eyes, the room looked like a new adventure, too, and a taste of freedom that I was anxious to have.
After we exited the room, the girl I’d made small talk with asked if I’d like to room with her, and I said "yes" because she was kind, and I really didn’t want a roommate assignment to come as a dreadfully anticipated mystery in early August. I had enough nerves about starting college, and I didn’t need more.
I was lucky; she was really great. And since then, I’ve had three other roommates that I’ve shared a double bedroom with and several other “quadmates,” "housemates," and even “flatmates” (during the semester I studied in England).
Here’s the thing to know: Every roommate situation is temporary. There will be good moments and probably some not-so-good moments. I want to share what I’ve learned in hopes that whether you are about to be assigned your first roommate or are well into your fourth or fifth, you can still find solace in the universal feelings we have when we are living in a shared space.
“You Can’t Room with Friends” is a Myth
The old wives’ tale that living with your best friend will ruin your friendship is simply just that, an old tale. True, it can complicate things, but it is not guaranteed to ruin your friendship. Although it is important to consider the fact that FOMO (fear of missing out) exists in a heightened capacity when you are living with a friend.
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If you start to feel insecure, worrying about where your roommate is and whether she is having more fun elsewhere every time you come home and see her bed empty, then talk to her. There doesn’t need to be a plan of action, and why should there be, since you are both allowed to have other friends, right? But it will feel better just to talk and legitimize your feelings. Insecurities (which, trust me, are pretty universal, especially in your first couple of years in college) will only ruin the friendship if they go unaddressed.
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"Insecurities (which, trust me, are pretty universal, especially in your first couple of years in college) will only ruin the friendship if they go unaddressed." |
Leniency is Key
Those roommate surveys that incoming students receive, in my opinion, are more for yourself than for Residential Education to pair you with a like-minded roommate. When I got this survey, I was glad I’d selected a roommate during Accepted Students Day because I barely knew how to answer half of the questions. Was I an early riser or night owl? Well, this was pretty arbitrary at the time. Sometimes I would get hooked on a Netflix show and stay up until two in the morning; sometimes I would turn off the lights by ten-thirty. Sometimes I would wake myself up early to cram for a test; sometimes I would sleep in if I didn’t have class to worry about. So, no matter how many responses you answer the same, you’re only human, and you will come to learn that neither your living habits nor your potential roommate’s habits are easily summed up on a piece of paper.
So, I’ve found that it is healthy to be selective in picking your battles. Is she leaving day-old, microwaveable Kraft mac and cheese in the room? This might be a battle I’d choose. But if she doesn’t make her bed, or accidentally wakes you up with a loud noise, sometimes it is better to validate your frustrations on your own time. After all, there is only so much you can control. Perhaps you are both early risers and like to keep the room clean, but there will be issues that will arise, and it’s best to decide if it’s something worth making a stink about.
Those roommate surveys that incoming students receive, in my opinion, are more for yourself than for Residential Education to pair you with a like-minded roommate. When I got this survey, I was glad I’d selected a roommate during Accepted Students Day because I barely knew how to answer half of the questions. Was I an early riser or night owl? Well, this was pretty arbitrary at the time. Sometimes I would get hooked on a Netflix show and stay up until two in the morning; sometimes I would turn off the lights by ten-thirty. Sometimes I would wake myself up early to cram for a test; sometimes I would sleep in if I didn’t have class to worry about. So, no matter how many responses you answer the same, you’re only human, and you will come to learn that neither your living habits nor your potential roommate’s habits are easily summed up on a piece of paper.
So, I’ve found that it is healthy to be selective in picking your battles. Is she leaving day-old, microwaveable Kraft mac and cheese in the room? This might be a battle I’d choose. But if she doesn’t make her bed, or accidentally wakes you up with a loud noise, sometimes it is better to validate your frustrations on your own time. After all, there is only so much you can control. Perhaps you are both early risers and like to keep the room clean, but there will be issues that will arise, and it’s best to decide if it’s something worth making a stink about.
‘No Rules’ May Be the Best Rule
I was also leery of setting hard and fast rules, like “lights out at 10 p.m.” or “clean out the microwave every time you use it” or rules about bringing significant others back to the room. The truth is, humans are unpredictable, especially teenagers starting their first couple of years in college. Signing roommate contracts binds you to a set of rules that you may have had when you were living with your parents, rules that you may think you still want, but as we change in college, so do our habits.
If there is one rule to stick to, I’d say that it is to be respectful. We don’t need a contract to tell us what that means. For instance, be quiet if you know you are coming back from the library late or any time you know your roommate is likely sleeping because she has a super early morning. (Pro tip: When you inevitably turn on your phone flashlight, cup the light with your hand so you don’t illuminate the entire room.) Apologize if it is warranted. Give your roommate grace and take space when you need to.
You and your roommate don’t need to be best friends. Sometimes, you are just two different personalities with similar living habits. That is okay, too. Be kind to yourself about that.
I was also leery of setting hard and fast rules, like “lights out at 10 p.m.” or “clean out the microwave every time you use it” or rules about bringing significant others back to the room. The truth is, humans are unpredictable, especially teenagers starting their first couple of years in college. Signing roommate contracts binds you to a set of rules that you may have had when you were living with your parents, rules that you may think you still want, but as we change in college, so do our habits.
If there is one rule to stick to, I’d say that it is to be respectful. We don’t need a contract to tell us what that means. For instance, be quiet if you know you are coming back from the library late or any time you know your roommate is likely sleeping because she has a super early morning. (Pro tip: When you inevitably turn on your phone flashlight, cup the light with your hand so you don’t illuminate the entire room.) Apologize if it is warranted. Give your roommate grace and take space when you need to.
You and your roommate don’t need to be best friends. Sometimes, you are just two different personalities with similar living habits. That is okay, too. Be kind to yourself about that.
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Jillian Crocetta is a New York City-based human resources professional and freelance writer/editor who enjoys writing in the areas of identity, place, empowerment, and health & wellness. Jillian is pursuing an MFA in creative nonfiction at Queens College. In addition to the articles she has written for Sanctuary, her work has been published in Guesthouse and New Voices, among other publications.
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