Play & Book Excerpts
All I Know
(Buckberg Mountain Books)
© Holly C. LaBarbera
I walked slowly through the woods, in no hurry to face this awkward reckoning, distracting myself by thinking about how much I loved springtime on my mountain, the anticipation of summer, knowing something great was right around the corner. In spring, the woods came alive with color. Variations of pinks and purples bloomed on lilac bushes and mountain laurel. Dogwood trees blossomed in white and pink. Forsythia glowed bright yellow. Purple and yellow crocuses would be the first flowers to peek out, putting them at risk when there was a late frost or snow. Hundreds of daffodils grew wild throughout the woods and on the side of the hill in front of our house, in all combinations of yellow, orange, and white. I loved the daffodils, but my favorite flowers were lily of the valley, delicate little white bells that smelled gloriously sweet, although the honeysuckle smelled even sweeter.
After stopping to smell my twentieth flower, I took a deep breath and headed to the mossy spot I knew Josh liked. I found him lying with his arm over his eyes, his distressed pose. I sat down next to him, my stomach in knots.
“Sorry, Josh.”
“Okay.”
“It won’t happen again.” At least not for a while, and hopefully he would be the one to kiss me next time.
“Okay.”
He was lying perfectly still, probably afraid to move around me now. I was a bundle of jittery nerves, sitting there rocking my legs from side to side, tapping my feet together.
“Can we go back to normal?”
“Okay.”
“That’s not very convincing.”
He moved his arm to look at me. “My life is so not normal right now, Kai. And you just made it weirder. I would love for things to go back to normal, but I don’t think that’s going to happen.” He put his arm back over his eyes. I felt like I was going to cry but held it in.
“I really am sorry. I didn’t mean it.”
“Don’t bullshit me, Kai. If you want to apologize, at least be straight.”
“That will make it even weirder. I’m trying to make it easier and better for you.” The way I handled Dad wasn’t working here. “What do you want me to do? I’ll do whatever you want.”
He sat up, looked at me, then looked off into the distance. “I know you have feelings for me, and you know I don’t feel that way.”
He paused. I was pretty much holding my breath because it felt like breathing might lead to crying, and I really didn’t want to cry.
“But I do care about you, and I hope you know that too.”
I let out a long breath, feeling like this might actually be okay.
He picked up a branch and poked at the moss and dirt, then added, “You just have to stay in your lane, okay? We’re like cousins, siblings, friends. That’s how it is.”
I picked up a stick and dug in the moss too, thinking about that.
“I’m okay with friends. And, like, second cousins twice removed. Not siblings. Can that be how it is?”
He grinned and squinted over at me. “Okay, second cousins twice removed.” He tossed the branch aside, lay back down, and put his arm over his eyes again. “Your dad was not happy with me.”
“Me neither, but he’s fine now. My dad likes to avoid messy stuff, so you’ll never hear about it again.” I dug in the dirt for a few minutes while we both pondered things.
“You are a brave girl, Kai. And clever. You put yourself out there and get what you want most of the time, huh?”
“Most of the time. Eventually. Sometimes I just have to be patient and wear people down.” I grinned and lay down on the moss next to Josh.
I felt different, older.
“This has been a weird day,” I said.
“You’re tellin’ me,” Josh answered.
“I had a talk with my mom that was different than ones we’ve had before, and this is different too, talking with you like this. But I talked to my dad and that was just the same. I don’t know, it’s just got me all confused.”
“Confused about what?” He turned his head toward me, his arm shading his face but not blocking his eyes now.
I kept looking up at the sky. Watching the light through the leaves made it easier to articulate my thoughts.
“Is it better to tell people what you think or to tell them what they want to hear?”
“Dang, that’s a serious question.” He rolled back into his contemplative position, arm over eyes. “I have no clue. I usually tell my dad what he wants to hear and do what he wants me to do, and my life goes along just fine. Then I stand up to him, and I get punched in the face and kicked out of the house.”
“Yeah, that’s what I mean. Mom said I should use my voice, not worry about what other people want to hear, but then she told me what I should say to you and Dad, and it was what you both wanted to hear, not what I really wanted to say.” A breeze rustled the leaves above me, and I squinted as the sun poked through the fresh spaces.
“I usually tell my dad what he wants to hear because he fights with my mom when she says what she actually thinks,” I continued. “It works better my way, but I don’t really like how it feels. I came out here to tell you what you wanted to hear, but then I told you what I really thought and that felt better.” I rolled my head to look at him. “It’s confusing.”
“It’s confusing because it’s bullshit.”
“Is that your favorite word?” I teased.
“It’s my life right now,” he joked back, although it wasn’t really a joke.
“It’s like they say to do it one way, but they don’t really mean it and they definitely don’t do it that way,” I said.
“I’ve been thinking about all this since my mom put me on that train in the middle of the night, and I still don’t have a clue,” Josh said. “The one thing I do know is that some people clearly don’t want to know what we’re thinking or how we feel. Some people definitely want us to tell them what they want to hear. And if we want to live with those people without causing problems, we better do it their way.”
“You’re going to do it that way with your dad?”
“You bet, but I’m also going to get out of there as soon as I possibly can. College, work, whatever, I’m out of there one year from now. I can keep my mouth shut for a year, but then I don’t want to be like that. I want to be someone who means what I say and does what feels right.”
“I want to be that kind of person too. Maybe just not with my dad.”
“Yeah, probably not with our dads.”
“But maybe with each other?”
“Maybe.” Josh peeked at me again. “As long as you stay in your lane.”
I smiled at him and looked back at the sky. I wasn’t going to say anything that wasn’t true, so I kept my mouth shut. I saw him shake his head a little, grinning at my intentional nonresponse.
I was thinking all these deep and profound thoughts, but mostly—really, truly, predominantly—I was thinking about Josh lying next to me, how someday maybe he would reach over and take my hand or roll over and kiss me, but how right now it was nice to just lie here next to him and know that he knew what I was thinking and feeling and that he was still there beside me. He didn’t like it, it wasn’t ideal, but he was hanging in here with me, and that meant a lot.
After stopping to smell my twentieth flower, I took a deep breath and headed to the mossy spot I knew Josh liked. I found him lying with his arm over his eyes, his distressed pose. I sat down next to him, my stomach in knots.
“Sorry, Josh.”
“Okay.”
“It won’t happen again.” At least not for a while, and hopefully he would be the one to kiss me next time.
“Okay.”
He was lying perfectly still, probably afraid to move around me now. I was a bundle of jittery nerves, sitting there rocking my legs from side to side, tapping my feet together.
“Can we go back to normal?”
“Okay.”
“That’s not very convincing.”
He moved his arm to look at me. “My life is so not normal right now, Kai. And you just made it weirder. I would love for things to go back to normal, but I don’t think that’s going to happen.” He put his arm back over his eyes. I felt like I was going to cry but held it in.
“I really am sorry. I didn’t mean it.”
“Don’t bullshit me, Kai. If you want to apologize, at least be straight.”
“That will make it even weirder. I’m trying to make it easier and better for you.” The way I handled Dad wasn’t working here. “What do you want me to do? I’ll do whatever you want.”
He sat up, looked at me, then looked off into the distance. “I know you have feelings for me, and you know I don’t feel that way.”
He paused. I was pretty much holding my breath because it felt like breathing might lead to crying, and I really didn’t want to cry.
“But I do care about you, and I hope you know that too.”
I let out a long breath, feeling like this might actually be okay.
He picked up a branch and poked at the moss and dirt, then added, “You just have to stay in your lane, okay? We’re like cousins, siblings, friends. That’s how it is.”
I picked up a stick and dug in the moss too, thinking about that.
“I’m okay with friends. And, like, second cousins twice removed. Not siblings. Can that be how it is?”
He grinned and squinted over at me. “Okay, second cousins twice removed.” He tossed the branch aside, lay back down, and put his arm over his eyes again. “Your dad was not happy with me.”
“Me neither, but he’s fine now. My dad likes to avoid messy stuff, so you’ll never hear about it again.” I dug in the dirt for a few minutes while we both pondered things.
“You are a brave girl, Kai. And clever. You put yourself out there and get what you want most of the time, huh?”
“Most of the time. Eventually. Sometimes I just have to be patient and wear people down.” I grinned and lay down on the moss next to Josh.
I felt different, older.
“This has been a weird day,” I said.
“You’re tellin’ me,” Josh answered.
“I had a talk with my mom that was different than ones we’ve had before, and this is different too, talking with you like this. But I talked to my dad and that was just the same. I don’t know, it’s just got me all confused.”
“Confused about what?” He turned his head toward me, his arm shading his face but not blocking his eyes now.
I kept looking up at the sky. Watching the light through the leaves made it easier to articulate my thoughts.
“Is it better to tell people what you think or to tell them what they want to hear?”
“Dang, that’s a serious question.” He rolled back into his contemplative position, arm over eyes. “I have no clue. I usually tell my dad what he wants to hear and do what he wants me to do, and my life goes along just fine. Then I stand up to him, and I get punched in the face and kicked out of the house.”
“Yeah, that’s what I mean. Mom said I should use my voice, not worry about what other people want to hear, but then she told me what I should say to you and Dad, and it was what you both wanted to hear, not what I really wanted to say.” A breeze rustled the leaves above me, and I squinted as the sun poked through the fresh spaces.
“I usually tell my dad what he wants to hear because he fights with my mom when she says what she actually thinks,” I continued. “It works better my way, but I don’t really like how it feels. I came out here to tell you what you wanted to hear, but then I told you what I really thought and that felt better.” I rolled my head to look at him. “It’s confusing.”
“It’s confusing because it’s bullshit.”
“Is that your favorite word?” I teased.
“It’s my life right now,” he joked back, although it wasn’t really a joke.
“It’s like they say to do it one way, but they don’t really mean it and they definitely don’t do it that way,” I said.
“I’ve been thinking about all this since my mom put me on that train in the middle of the night, and I still don’t have a clue,” Josh said. “The one thing I do know is that some people clearly don’t want to know what we’re thinking or how we feel. Some people definitely want us to tell them what they want to hear. And if we want to live with those people without causing problems, we better do it their way.”
“You’re going to do it that way with your dad?”
“You bet, but I’m also going to get out of there as soon as I possibly can. College, work, whatever, I’m out of there one year from now. I can keep my mouth shut for a year, but then I don’t want to be like that. I want to be someone who means what I say and does what feels right.”
“I want to be that kind of person too. Maybe just not with my dad.”
“Yeah, probably not with our dads.”
“But maybe with each other?”
“Maybe.” Josh peeked at me again. “As long as you stay in your lane.”
I smiled at him and looked back at the sky. I wasn’t going to say anything that wasn’t true, so I kept my mouth shut. I saw him shake his head a little, grinning at my intentional nonresponse.
I was thinking all these deep and profound thoughts, but mostly—really, truly, predominantly—I was thinking about Josh lying next to me, how someday maybe he would reach over and take my hand or roll over and kiss me, but how right now it was nice to just lie here next to him and know that he knew what I was thinking and feeling and that he was still there beside me. He didn’t like it, it wasn’t ideal, but he was hanging in here with me, and that meant a lot.
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Holly LaBarbera received her M.A. in counseling psychology from Santa Clara University, where she currently teaches as an adjunct professor. She also runs her own psychotherapy practice. All I Know is her debut novel. She was born in Hawaii, grew up in New York, and currently lives outside of San Francisco, California.
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Photo Courtesy: Holly LaBarbera
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