Navigating Relationships
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Learn to Communicate so Others will Hear You
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By Amy Beth Acker, LCSW
Poor communication can be one of our greatest sources of pain. Human beings are wired to connect with others, and when we feel that we are not connecting, we can find ourselves in a great deal of hurt. When we are hurt, it can be difficult to express our needs to others, and we can get stuck in a place of judgment. This leads us to communicate in ways that are defensive, aggressive or critical, which then creates a vicious cycle where the other person can’t hear us, and we can’t hear them.
Through work with my psychotherapy clients or while reflecting on my own relationships, I am often amazed at how much suffering can ultimately be avoided with a few simple communication tools.
Poor communication can be one of our greatest sources of pain. Human beings are wired to connect with others, and when we feel that we are not connecting, we can find ourselves in a great deal of hurt. When we are hurt, it can be difficult to express our needs to others, and we can get stuck in a place of judgment. This leads us to communicate in ways that are defensive, aggressive or critical, which then creates a vicious cycle where the other person can’t hear us, and we can’t hear them.
Through work with my psychotherapy clients or while reflecting on my own relationships, I am often amazed at how much suffering can ultimately be avoided with a few simple communication tools.
Unfortunately, effective communication is not a skill most of us are taught. As children, we observe the dysfunctional communication patterns of the adults around us, and we internalize those patterns as our own. The more we communicate in ways that don’t serve us, the more those patterns continue to get reinforced.
To make matters worse, the ineffective and dysfunctional ways we communicate with others are almost always a reflection of the ineffective and dysfunctional ways we communicate with ourselves. The judgment, criticisms, and put-downs that we hurl at our closest friends or most hated adversaries are nothing compared to what we direct towards ourselves.
Learning a few simple and effective communication skills can have a profound effect on our quality of life. These skills empower us to own our experience in our relationships and give us the confidence to have a clear roadmap to getting our needs met.
Be Aware of Your Feelings
When we are feeling hurt or misunderstood, our first reaction is to be defensive. We want to shut down at the time when we most need to open up. When we take the time to get clear on what we’re feeling in the present moment, we respond with intention, instead of reacting in a way that’s not in integrity with our highest selves.
There have been many, many times in my life when I have felt attacked by another person; but instead of taking the time to center myself, I would counterattack - flinging judgment and criticism back at the other person. As you can imagine, this did not have the effect of creating an open discourse and did not move me any closer to getting my needs met.
When you’re feeling hurt, take as much time as you need to check in with yourself. Ask yourself what you’re feeling and why you're feeling this way. What is this triggering within you? What else might this be about? Ask yourself with curiosity and compassion - not with judgment - and you may be surprised by what you find out.
Be Aware of Your Thoughts
When we’re feeling attacked, misunderstood, or ignored, our fight-or-flight systems become activated. This makes it very difficult to think objectively and compassionately about what’s happening. We will often jump to thoughts about how the other person is wrong for what they’re doing or saying. As justified as we may feel, getting stuck in judgment does not help us to communicate in ways that others can hear us. It usually has the opposite effect.
Look at the facts (i.e. what are aspects of the situation that everyone would agree on or that could be proven in a court of law). “My sister is always criticizing my parenting” is not a fact, as true as it might feel. “My sister said, ‘I think your son should be exposed to more kids his age’” is something most people would agree on if these were the exact words your sister used.
When you separate the facts, you give yourself some space between what happened and what you’re thinking and feeling about it. This empowers you to take a look at whether the thoughts you’re choosing to think are serving you well. This doesn’t mean that you don’t still set boundaries with the other person or make your needs known; it just means you do it from a place of dignity and groundedness.
Think About the End Goal
What most of us want is very simple: peace, love, connection - not just in our relationships with others, but also in our relationship with ourselves.
I encourage you to think about a recent interaction with another person that felt negative or painful. Looking back, how did you want to feel at the end of it? What were your needs? Why do you think they weren’t able to be met? What do you think the other person’s needs were and in what ways were you unavailable to meet them?
I have found that many women are unaware of what their specific needs are in the moment. We can’t expect someone else to meet our needs if we don’t know what these needs are. So getting clear on what you need is key. Then, give yourself permission to have these needs and give the other person permission to choose to meet them. This allows us to let go of rigid ideas about how others need to behave so we can feel okay. When we insist that another person is responsible for meeting our needs, they morph into demands, and the result is usually resistance and defensiveness.
It’s great when someone else can meet our needs, but it’s also empowering to know there are many ways to get them met that we are in control of.
Be Direct
I am a very direct person, and this has served me in life and relationships. I try to always balance my directness with respect and compassion - both for myself and for the other person. This is a recipe for allowing others to hear what I’m trying to say and for me to understand and appreciate other perspectives without getting defensive or shutting down.
When you find yourself in a difficult conversation, get clear on your thoughts, feelings, and needs and phrase your response in the following way: When ______, I felt/I thought______because I_____.”
First, identify the facts of the situation. This approach removes judgment and allows us to be more objective. For example:
“When you walked in the kitchen and said, ‘Why isn’t dinner ready?’”...
“When I got to the meeting on time, and I saw that it had started without me...”
“When your mother told me that I spend too much time at work…”
Next, identify your thoughts and feelings. For example:
“I felt defensive…”
“I thought, “They don’t think I’m important to this project...’”
“I felt frustrated…”
Finally, you can take ownership of your perspective, instead of making it the other person’s fault or problem which will likely put him/her on the defensive. It also empowers you to own your own experience. For example:
“…because I believe my efforts to keep this household running are being ignored, and I need acknowledgment.”
“…because I believe that waiting for all team members to arrive is important.”
“…because I need your mother to respect my choices in work and family life.”
When we are direct, deliberate, and respectful with our words, we are much more likely to get our needs met. Ultimately, it is no one’s job to meet our needs but our own. Understanding this can help us to let go of making others responsible for how we feel and to let go of judgments and resentments that keep us from being heard - by others, but most importantly, by ourselves.
To make matters worse, the ineffective and dysfunctional ways we communicate with others are almost always a reflection of the ineffective and dysfunctional ways we communicate with ourselves. The judgment, criticisms, and put-downs that we hurl at our closest friends or most hated adversaries are nothing compared to what we direct towards ourselves.
Learning a few simple and effective communication skills can have a profound effect on our quality of life. These skills empower us to own our experience in our relationships and give us the confidence to have a clear roadmap to getting our needs met.
Be Aware of Your Feelings
When we are feeling hurt or misunderstood, our first reaction is to be defensive. We want to shut down at the time when we most need to open up. When we take the time to get clear on what we’re feeling in the present moment, we respond with intention, instead of reacting in a way that’s not in integrity with our highest selves.
There have been many, many times in my life when I have felt attacked by another person; but instead of taking the time to center myself, I would counterattack - flinging judgment and criticism back at the other person. As you can imagine, this did not have the effect of creating an open discourse and did not move me any closer to getting my needs met.
When you’re feeling hurt, take as much time as you need to check in with yourself. Ask yourself what you’re feeling and why you're feeling this way. What is this triggering within you? What else might this be about? Ask yourself with curiosity and compassion - not with judgment - and you may be surprised by what you find out.
Be Aware of Your Thoughts
When we’re feeling attacked, misunderstood, or ignored, our fight-or-flight systems become activated. This makes it very difficult to think objectively and compassionately about what’s happening. We will often jump to thoughts about how the other person is wrong for what they’re doing or saying. As justified as we may feel, getting stuck in judgment does not help us to communicate in ways that others can hear us. It usually has the opposite effect.
Look at the facts (i.e. what are aspects of the situation that everyone would agree on or that could be proven in a court of law). “My sister is always criticizing my parenting” is not a fact, as true as it might feel. “My sister said, ‘I think your son should be exposed to more kids his age’” is something most people would agree on if these were the exact words your sister used.
When you separate the facts, you give yourself some space between what happened and what you’re thinking and feeling about it. This empowers you to take a look at whether the thoughts you’re choosing to think are serving you well. This doesn’t mean that you don’t still set boundaries with the other person or make your needs known; it just means you do it from a place of dignity and groundedness.
Think About the End Goal
What most of us want is very simple: peace, love, connection - not just in our relationships with others, but also in our relationship with ourselves.
I encourage you to think about a recent interaction with another person that felt negative or painful. Looking back, how did you want to feel at the end of it? What were your needs? Why do you think they weren’t able to be met? What do you think the other person’s needs were and in what ways were you unavailable to meet them?
I have found that many women are unaware of what their specific needs are in the moment. We can’t expect someone else to meet our needs if we don’t know what these needs are. So getting clear on what you need is key. Then, give yourself permission to have these needs and give the other person permission to choose to meet them. This allows us to let go of rigid ideas about how others need to behave so we can feel okay. When we insist that another person is responsible for meeting our needs, they morph into demands, and the result is usually resistance and defensiveness.
It’s great when someone else can meet our needs, but it’s also empowering to know there are many ways to get them met that we are in control of.
Be Direct
I am a very direct person, and this has served me in life and relationships. I try to always balance my directness with respect and compassion - both for myself and for the other person. This is a recipe for allowing others to hear what I’m trying to say and for me to understand and appreciate other perspectives without getting defensive or shutting down.
When you find yourself in a difficult conversation, get clear on your thoughts, feelings, and needs and phrase your response in the following way: When ______, I felt/I thought______because I_____.”
First, identify the facts of the situation. This approach removes judgment and allows us to be more objective. For example:
“When you walked in the kitchen and said, ‘Why isn’t dinner ready?’”...
“When I got to the meeting on time, and I saw that it had started without me...”
“When your mother told me that I spend too much time at work…”
Next, identify your thoughts and feelings. For example:
“I felt defensive…”
“I thought, “They don’t think I’m important to this project...’”
“I felt frustrated…”
Finally, you can take ownership of your perspective, instead of making it the other person’s fault or problem which will likely put him/her on the defensive. It also empowers you to own your own experience. For example:
“…because I believe my efforts to keep this household running are being ignored, and I need acknowledgment.”
“…because I believe that waiting for all team members to arrive is important.”
“…because I need your mother to respect my choices in work and family life.”
When we are direct, deliberate, and respectful with our words, we are much more likely to get our needs met. Ultimately, it is no one’s job to meet our needs but our own. Understanding this can help us to let go of making others responsible for how we feel and to let go of judgments and resentments that keep us from being heard - by others, but most importantly, by ourselves.
RESOURCES:
The Center for Non-Violent Communication - Find many resources to learn non-violent communication tools and techniques.
Imago Relationship Therapy - This is a form of therapy that focuses on transforming conflict into healing growth.
The Gottman Institute - This is a researched-based approach to relationships for couples, parents, and professionals.
The Center for Non-Violent Communication - Find many resources to learn non-violent communication tools and techniques.
Imago Relationship Therapy - This is a form of therapy that focuses on transforming conflict into healing growth.
The Gottman Institute - This is a researched-based approach to relationships for couples, parents, and professionals.
Amy Beth Acker, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in private practice in Somerville, NJ. She specializes in working with professional women who are struggling with anxiety, perfectionism, or people-pleasing. She is also the author of The Way of the Peaceful Woman: Awaken the Power of You, Create a Life You Love, and Set Yourself Free (excerpted HERE) and is a regular contributor for Sanctuary.
