Ask an Expert
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AUGUST 2022 TOPIC: Grandma's Advice: When to Speak Your Mind or Keep it to Yourself
Susan Newman, Ph.D.
Social Psychologist & Author |
OUR EXPERT:
Susan Newman, Ph.D., is social psychologist, whose research focuses on parenting, and best-selling author of 15 books in the relationship and family fields. Her research and books examine such areas as building strong family bonds, raising only children, grandparenting, and interactions between adult children and their parents and in-laws. Susan is a regular contributor to Psychology Today and has appeared on Good Morning America, The Today Show, CNN, and CBS Sunday Morning, MSNBC as well as many television and radio shows throughout the country including NPR’s Talk of the Nation and Marketplace, NBC Nightly News, CBS and FOX News discussing breaking news, social trends and parenting concerns. Her work has been featured on Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, Babble, WebMD, AARP and other influential websites as well as in major newspapers and magazines in and out of the U.S. She was a part-time lecturer at Rutgers University in New Jersey and is a member of the American Psychological Association, the Authors Guild, and the American Society of Journalists and Authors. She is a Court-Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) for abused and neglected children. Susan is the stepmother of four children, the mother of one and lives in the greater New York Metro area. |
“My granddaughter has a ‘secret’ boyfriend. She doesn’t want her mother (my daughter-in-law) to know about him because she doesn’t think she’ll like him. She trusts me and wants my advice about typical boyfriend/girlfriend issues. She’s sixteen. I’ve been offering advice, but I’m also feeling guilty. Any suggestions?” ~ Heather (MA)
No reason to feel guilty, Heather. Be delighted that your granddaughter confides in you.
Did you confide in your mother at 16? Probably not. Your granddaughter may be worried her mother will restrict her. Ask your granddaughter what she thinks her mother might do or say. Empathize with her concerns.
Ask what she thinks is wrong with the boyfriend that her mother might object to. What does she think her mother might not like about him? Her answers can serve as your guide to discuss and suggest that she ask her mother two of the less potentially explosive questions she’s asking you. That could be a good testing ground.
Explain that she may be underestimating her mother’s ability to be open-minded and accepting of the boyfriend. If they’ve confided on other issues that you are aware of without much incident, you can offer them up as examples. In this way you are encouraging your granddaughter to trust her mother and seek her advice as well as yours.
Teenagers don’t like restrictions, and this may be one reason why she’s coming to you, someone who likely isn’t in a position to set boundaries or curtail your granddaughter’s privileges. Explain that her mother is trying to protect her. That’s a parent’s job, be it an issue about a boyfriend or other issues in the future.
You might also want to talk with her about the boyfriend’s good qualities, so she’ll have them in mind if or when she decides to reveal the 'secret' boyfriend. Remind her that secrets have a way of slipping out. Learning about him directly from your granddaughter will reduce the consequences or arguments, if there are to be any.
“My son’s teenage boys come to my house after school. Sometimes they disappear with friends without letting me know where they’re going. Their father says that’s okay as long as they get back when I ask. I’m uncomfortable not knowing where they’re going. What can I say to my son to avoid a family feud?” ~ Anonymous
You will want to get your son onboard and ask for his support. Given what is going on the world, what you’re asking is reasonable. Remind your son that you love having the boys at your house and understand that they want to venture out on their own, but you feel responsible. Ask his thinking: Why is he opposed to his sons’ telling you their proposed whereabouts?
You might also let him know that your request is scarcely a good reason to be at odds. If he still refuses to understand your position, let him know what you plan to do. Here are some considerations:
Approach your grandsons directly by asking them to help you out. You might say, 'Your dad and I have reached an impasse. We don’t agree, and I need your help.' Explain how their dad and you both feel.
Then ask the boys for their suggestions to solve this 'problem.' Kids like to be in control, and by asking for help, you put them in charge. In a lighthearted manner, you can ask, 'Where exactly do you all go?' Underscore that you like their friends, and you’re sure it’s no big deal, but you would feel a lot better if you had some idea and didn’t have to worry about what they were doing.
They are teenagers striving for freedom and independence and may balk (as their father seems to) at the suggestion that they report where they are going. Let them know you think they are trustworthy and sensible, but you worry anyway. Underscore that you are responsible for them when they come to your house. They may surprise you.
For starters, make it a habit to ask them what they plan to do or 'where are you off to today?' Some days you’ll get answers; others, not. Let them know that you may text them at some point if you need them or need them back sooner.
Of course, you have the option to leave their father out of the equation, but it would be good to have him back you up and remind his sons that grandma is doing us all a favor – do what she asks.
“My oldest granddaughter is constantly complaining about her mother (my daughter). At times, I find it disrespectful. I know she’s comfortable sharing with me, but I also feel a loyalty to my daughter. Suggestions?” ~ Stacy (NY)
Stacy, complaining about a parent is a predictable rite of passage for most teenagers. Think back. Didn’t you complain about your mother? I sure did.
I would guess your daughter complained about you. If you have examples of things you did (rules you made about curfews, make up, dating, for example) that may have warranted your daughter’s complaints, you could spell them out for your granddaughter to illustrate that’s what most parents do.
When your granddaughter’s comments feel disrespectful, you can certainly defend your daughter by pointing out her mother’s pluses as you see them. Defending her should help ease your loyalty concern. You might also choose to let her know that it hurts you when she says negative things about her mother; that it makes you feel you didn’t do a good job raising her. Simply expressing how you feel may help deal with your loyalty to your daughter issue and may minimize your granddaughter’s complaints.
To preserve your closeness, you can decide that your granddaughter’s complaints have less to do with your daughter and more to do with being a teenager searching for her own identity. Quite often mother-daughter dynamics change on a dime. In the near future, your granddaughter could be singing her mother’s praises…and you’ll want to hear that.
No reason to feel guilty, Heather. Be delighted that your granddaughter confides in you.
Did you confide in your mother at 16? Probably not. Your granddaughter may be worried her mother will restrict her. Ask your granddaughter what she thinks her mother might do or say. Empathize with her concerns.
Ask what she thinks is wrong with the boyfriend that her mother might object to. What does she think her mother might not like about him? Her answers can serve as your guide to discuss and suggest that she ask her mother two of the less potentially explosive questions she’s asking you. That could be a good testing ground.
Explain that she may be underestimating her mother’s ability to be open-minded and accepting of the boyfriend. If they’ve confided on other issues that you are aware of without much incident, you can offer them up as examples. In this way you are encouraging your granddaughter to trust her mother and seek her advice as well as yours.
Teenagers don’t like restrictions, and this may be one reason why she’s coming to you, someone who likely isn’t in a position to set boundaries or curtail your granddaughter’s privileges. Explain that her mother is trying to protect her. That’s a parent’s job, be it an issue about a boyfriend or other issues in the future.
You might also want to talk with her about the boyfriend’s good qualities, so she’ll have them in mind if or when she decides to reveal the 'secret' boyfriend. Remind her that secrets have a way of slipping out. Learning about him directly from your granddaughter will reduce the consequences or arguments, if there are to be any.
“My son’s teenage boys come to my house after school. Sometimes they disappear with friends without letting me know where they’re going. Their father says that’s okay as long as they get back when I ask. I’m uncomfortable not knowing where they’re going. What can I say to my son to avoid a family feud?” ~ Anonymous
You will want to get your son onboard and ask for his support. Given what is going on the world, what you’re asking is reasonable. Remind your son that you love having the boys at your house and understand that they want to venture out on their own, but you feel responsible. Ask his thinking: Why is he opposed to his sons’ telling you their proposed whereabouts?
You might also let him know that your request is scarcely a good reason to be at odds. If he still refuses to understand your position, let him know what you plan to do. Here are some considerations:
Approach your grandsons directly by asking them to help you out. You might say, 'Your dad and I have reached an impasse. We don’t agree, and I need your help.' Explain how their dad and you both feel.
Then ask the boys for their suggestions to solve this 'problem.' Kids like to be in control, and by asking for help, you put them in charge. In a lighthearted manner, you can ask, 'Where exactly do you all go?' Underscore that you like their friends, and you’re sure it’s no big deal, but you would feel a lot better if you had some idea and didn’t have to worry about what they were doing.
They are teenagers striving for freedom and independence and may balk (as their father seems to) at the suggestion that they report where they are going. Let them know you think they are trustworthy and sensible, but you worry anyway. Underscore that you are responsible for them when they come to your house. They may surprise you.
For starters, make it a habit to ask them what they plan to do or 'where are you off to today?' Some days you’ll get answers; others, not. Let them know that you may text them at some point if you need them or need them back sooner.
Of course, you have the option to leave their father out of the equation, but it would be good to have him back you up and remind his sons that grandma is doing us all a favor – do what she asks.
“My oldest granddaughter is constantly complaining about her mother (my daughter). At times, I find it disrespectful. I know she’s comfortable sharing with me, but I also feel a loyalty to my daughter. Suggestions?” ~ Stacy (NY)
Stacy, complaining about a parent is a predictable rite of passage for most teenagers. Think back. Didn’t you complain about your mother? I sure did.
I would guess your daughter complained about you. If you have examples of things you did (rules you made about curfews, make up, dating, for example) that may have warranted your daughter’s complaints, you could spell them out for your granddaughter to illustrate that’s what most parents do.
When your granddaughter’s comments feel disrespectful, you can certainly defend your daughter by pointing out her mother’s pluses as you see them. Defending her should help ease your loyalty concern. You might also choose to let her know that it hurts you when she says negative things about her mother; that it makes you feel you didn’t do a good job raising her. Simply expressing how you feel may help deal with your loyalty to your daughter issue and may minimize your granddaughter’s complaints.
To preserve your closeness, you can decide that your granddaughter’s complaints have less to do with your daughter and more to do with being a teenager searching for her own identity. Quite often mother-daughter dynamics change on a dime. In the near future, your granddaughter could be singing her mother’s praises…and you’ll want to hear that.