Play & Book Excerpts
Date Smart
(Familius LLC)
© Carla Marie Manly
Why Date Smart?
Finding the right partner can be incredibly difficult, and it’s often tempting to settle for “just anyone” who fills the empty spaces in your life. But there are huge costs—in the short term and long term—when we don’t choose our partners carefully and wisely. As quality of our love relationships affects our mental and physical health, it’s vital to learn how to find and maintain truly healthy love relationships. Date Smart: Transform Your Relationships & Love Fearlessly, takes you on a journey into the most foundational aspects of what is means to love—and be loved—in authentic ways. Actionable tips and powerful exercises foster real-life growth and transformation. Grounded in current research, Dr. Manly’s easily digestible guidance fosters connected, sustainable relationships that last a lifetime.
The Chocolate of Dating
Some people like chocolate so much they think it’s a food group. Chocolate is one of those comforting basics that can make us feel loved, happy, and soothed. Good dating is a lot like finding the right chocolate. You don’t want to waste your time on a chunk of iffy chocolate that you found in the bottom drawer or chocolate that is too rich (or not rich enough) to suit your taste. From grocery store candy bars to exorbitantly priced chocolates, there’s something to suit everyone. One type of chocolate isn’t better or worse than the other; they are just different. And different can be really good—or not so good.
This metaphor reminds us that it’s smart to take your time to discover what you truly want in a relationship. It’s also a reminder that what others want is often different from what we want. But when you pause to discover what is right for you, you’ll naturally attract partners who are better suited to your need and wants. Conversely, if you are moving too fast or your sense of self-worth is suffering, you are more likely to accept “just anyone” who comes your way.
And, just as your craving for chocolates might shift over time, you might find that there are periods when you’ve no interest in dating. Whether you’re healing from a breakup, confused about what you want, or simply craving self-partnered time, going solo is often a wise choice. Even if friends or family are exerting pressure, remember that you are not wasting your time if you choose not to date. In truth, any periods that you intentionally set aside to be yourself—just to learn, grow, and be—are some of the most valuable times in life. You’re not broken or unlovable if you consciously choose not to date; you are simply investing your energy in other important areas of your life. Knowing when to date is just as important as knowing when not to date.
The Importance of Emotional Intelligence for Healthy Relationships
If you want healthier boundaries, greater awareness of relationship red flags, and a stronger self-esteem, you’ll find greater power in the area of emotional intelligence (often called EQ). Strong EQ is critical; it fosters the overall awareness, self-management, emotional availability, and relationship management skills necessary for loving, genuine relationships. A certain level of cognitive intelligence (IQ) is helpful for life success, but a fairly high level of emotional intelligence is absolutely essential for successful intimate relationships. I have found that EQ has five core aspects: self-knowledge, self-control, empathy, social skills, and personal motivation for self-growth. Unlike natural cognitive intelligence, we are not born with emotional intelligence. EQ is nondiscriminatory and is available to every person who wants to invest in increasing their EQ through dedicated, consistent effort. As you follow the simple steps I designed to build your EQ, your relationships will change for the better.
How Far Can Fake Take You?
Having a strong, authentic sense of self gives romantic relationships a boost! It’s no surprise that studies show that good self-esteem is a plus in romantic relationships. High self-esteem has a beneficial effect on partners’ degree of happiness with their relationship; it can also generate perceived positive regard and secure attachment between partners.
Fears of being rejected, unworthy, or unlovable often puts us into a self-created jail cell of fear. These irrational fears lead many people to putting on masks, hiding their faults, or defending against love. Learning to embrace self-aware authenticity is the key to finding true freedom from these negative patterns based in fear. As you get to know and accept yourself more fully, you’ll discover that you might simply need to practice being you. Just you. Imperfect, amazing, flawed, wonderful you. (And, while you practice this, feel free to acknowledge and improve any parts of you that want to be made better!) Let all parts of yourself begin to show up and shine through. You are inimitable, and no one can be you better than you. If someone really wants to get to know you and love you, isn’t it smart to let them see who you really are at the beginning?
It’s actually our little quirks and tiny “broken” pieces that make caring people find us wonderful and lovably human. Others are also sometimes able to see themselves through our own shortcomings and oddities. When we share these parts of ourselves with those who are safe, kind, and respectful, we can come to know what it is to feel loved, respected, and seen for all that we truly are—not just the tidy, attractive, “normal” (whatever “normal” is) parts, but all the pieces that make us special, unique, and constantly growing. When we like and accept ourselves, other good people will tend to be drawn to us. So, the very best thing you can ever do is to just practice being you. Don’t try to practice being perfect. Just practice being the best version of you.
As you build a relationship, it’s wise and respectful to share your truth with potential partners; this lets them make decisions based on the truth. Of course, when a potential partner also shares the truth with you, it’s a freeing, win-win situation. When both people are genuine and upfront, the relationship has a strong foundation on which authentic love can grow.
Your Journey, Your Love
Life isn’t always easy, but the journey is truly worth it. For every down moment, there’s a stunning sunrise, star-studded midnight sky, or puppy waiting to be noticed and embraced. Just like life, dating isn’t always easy, but when you cultivate a positive attitude and a bit of wisdom, you’ll be ahead of the curve.
Love doesn’t just happen. Love evolves during a connective journey of mutual vulnerability, kindness, and respect. Love must be grown and nourished. I’m not talking merely about love for another person but also about the vital love that you have for you. If you’ve hit a “not so easy” spell and your heart is heavy or weary from dating, don’t give up hope. Maybe it’s time to take a break, or maybe it’s time to jump in with renewed energy and new insights. Do what’s right for you. If you’re still asking yourself why you’d want to put in all this effort, the answer is simple: You deserve to be seen, loved, and cherished. You deserve to date smart and experience genuine, healthy love.
Finding the right partner can be incredibly difficult, and it’s often tempting to settle for “just anyone” who fills the empty spaces in your life. But there are huge costs—in the short term and long term—when we don’t choose our partners carefully and wisely. As quality of our love relationships affects our mental and physical health, it’s vital to learn how to find and maintain truly healthy love relationships. Date Smart: Transform Your Relationships & Love Fearlessly, takes you on a journey into the most foundational aspects of what is means to love—and be loved—in authentic ways. Actionable tips and powerful exercises foster real-life growth and transformation. Grounded in current research, Dr. Manly’s easily digestible guidance fosters connected, sustainable relationships that last a lifetime.
The Chocolate of Dating
Some people like chocolate so much they think it’s a food group. Chocolate is one of those comforting basics that can make us feel loved, happy, and soothed. Good dating is a lot like finding the right chocolate. You don’t want to waste your time on a chunk of iffy chocolate that you found in the bottom drawer or chocolate that is too rich (or not rich enough) to suit your taste. From grocery store candy bars to exorbitantly priced chocolates, there’s something to suit everyone. One type of chocolate isn’t better or worse than the other; they are just different. And different can be really good—or not so good.
This metaphor reminds us that it’s smart to take your time to discover what you truly want in a relationship. It’s also a reminder that what others want is often different from what we want. But when you pause to discover what is right for you, you’ll naturally attract partners who are better suited to your need and wants. Conversely, if you are moving too fast or your sense of self-worth is suffering, you are more likely to accept “just anyone” who comes your way.
And, just as your craving for chocolates might shift over time, you might find that there are periods when you’ve no interest in dating. Whether you’re healing from a breakup, confused about what you want, or simply craving self-partnered time, going solo is often a wise choice. Even if friends or family are exerting pressure, remember that you are not wasting your time if you choose not to date. In truth, any periods that you intentionally set aside to be yourself—just to learn, grow, and be—are some of the most valuable times in life. You’re not broken or unlovable if you consciously choose not to date; you are simply investing your energy in other important areas of your life. Knowing when to date is just as important as knowing when not to date.
The Importance of Emotional Intelligence for Healthy Relationships
If you want healthier boundaries, greater awareness of relationship red flags, and a stronger self-esteem, you’ll find greater power in the area of emotional intelligence (often called EQ). Strong EQ is critical; it fosters the overall awareness, self-management, emotional availability, and relationship management skills necessary for loving, genuine relationships. A certain level of cognitive intelligence (IQ) is helpful for life success, but a fairly high level of emotional intelligence is absolutely essential for successful intimate relationships. I have found that EQ has five core aspects: self-knowledge, self-control, empathy, social skills, and personal motivation for self-growth. Unlike natural cognitive intelligence, we are not born with emotional intelligence. EQ is nondiscriminatory and is available to every person who wants to invest in increasing their EQ through dedicated, consistent effort. As you follow the simple steps I designed to build your EQ, your relationships will change for the better.
How Far Can Fake Take You?
Having a strong, authentic sense of self gives romantic relationships a boost! It’s no surprise that studies show that good self-esteem is a plus in romantic relationships. High self-esteem has a beneficial effect on partners’ degree of happiness with their relationship; it can also generate perceived positive regard and secure attachment between partners.
Fears of being rejected, unworthy, or unlovable often puts us into a self-created jail cell of fear. These irrational fears lead many people to putting on masks, hiding their faults, or defending against love. Learning to embrace self-aware authenticity is the key to finding true freedom from these negative patterns based in fear. As you get to know and accept yourself more fully, you’ll discover that you might simply need to practice being you. Just you. Imperfect, amazing, flawed, wonderful you. (And, while you practice this, feel free to acknowledge and improve any parts of you that want to be made better!) Let all parts of yourself begin to show up and shine through. You are inimitable, and no one can be you better than you. If someone really wants to get to know you and love you, isn’t it smart to let them see who you really are at the beginning?
It’s actually our little quirks and tiny “broken” pieces that make caring people find us wonderful and lovably human. Others are also sometimes able to see themselves through our own shortcomings and oddities. When we share these parts of ourselves with those who are safe, kind, and respectful, we can come to know what it is to feel loved, respected, and seen for all that we truly are—not just the tidy, attractive, “normal” (whatever “normal” is) parts, but all the pieces that make us special, unique, and constantly growing. When we like and accept ourselves, other good people will tend to be drawn to us. So, the very best thing you can ever do is to just practice being you. Don’t try to practice being perfect. Just practice being the best version of you.
As you build a relationship, it’s wise and respectful to share your truth with potential partners; this lets them make decisions based on the truth. Of course, when a potential partner also shares the truth with you, it’s a freeing, win-win situation. When both people are genuine and upfront, the relationship has a strong foundation on which authentic love can grow.
Your Journey, Your Love
Life isn’t always easy, but the journey is truly worth it. For every down moment, there’s a stunning sunrise, star-studded midnight sky, or puppy waiting to be noticed and embraced. Just like life, dating isn’t always easy, but when you cultivate a positive attitude and a bit of wisdom, you’ll be ahead of the curve.
Love doesn’t just happen. Love evolves during a connective journey of mutual vulnerability, kindness, and respect. Love must be grown and nourished. I’m not talking merely about love for another person but also about the vital love that you have for you. If you’ve hit a “not so easy” spell and your heart is heavy or weary from dating, don’t give up hope. Maybe it’s time to take a break, or maybe it’s time to jump in with renewed energy and new insights. Do what’s right for you. If you’re still asking yourself why you’d want to put in all this effort, the answer is simple: You deserve to be seen, loved, and cherished. You deserve to date smart and experience genuine, healthy love.
Dr. Carla Marie Manly
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Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and wellness expert based in Sonoma County, California. In addition to her clinical practice, Carla is deeply invested in her roles as an author, consultant, advocate, speaker, and podcaster.
With a holistic, body-mind-spirit approach, she specializes in improving professional and personal relationships through mindfulness and healthy communication skills. Viewing self-development as the foundation for optimal wellness, Carla's work focuses on building health intrapersonal and interpersonal relationships through increased self-awareness. Her work blends traditional psychotherapy with alternative mindfulness practices to support inner freedom, awareness, and balance. Carla’s latest book, Date Smart: Transform Your Relationships and Love Fearlessly, joins her other highly acclaimed titles, Joy from Fear: Create the Life of Your Dreams by Making Fear Your Friend, and Aging Joyfully. She also contributes her expertise publicly as a speaker and through top-notch media outlets including The Wall Street Journal, Newsweek, NBC, The New York Times, USA Today, Forbes, The Los Angeles Times, Oprah, HuffPost, Reader’s Digest, Psychology Today, Parade, GQ, Women’s Health, Architectural Digest, Men’s Health, and more. Carla was a guest on Sanctuary's Coffee & Conversation Show:
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