Navigating Relationships
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To Date, or Not to Date, That is the Question:
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By Carol Lippert Gray
Dating is always an endeavor fraught with pitfalls. Dating after divorce or widowhood compounds the fraughtness with many other issues. Obviously, these differ for every woman and her unique situation, but might include feeling disloyal to your previous marriage (particularly if you’ve been widowed); facing body issues (because you’re older, doubtless a little heavier than when you were at 18 and, perhaps, have had children); feeling unsure of yourself after having been “out of the market” for years; and worrying about how to fit dating into your family life and professional obligations.
And then, of course, if you decide you’re ready, the big question looms: How do I find people to date?
Dating is always an endeavor fraught with pitfalls. Dating after divorce or widowhood compounds the fraughtness with many other issues. Obviously, these differ for every woman and her unique situation, but might include feeling disloyal to your previous marriage (particularly if you’ve been widowed); facing body issues (because you’re older, doubtless a little heavier than when you were at 18 and, perhaps, have had children); feeling unsure of yourself after having been “out of the market” for years; and worrying about how to fit dating into your family life and professional obligations.
And then, of course, if you decide you’re ready, the big question looms: How do I find people to date?
I’ve been there. Widowed at 42 (after 22 years of marriage) and with two children, I waited about a year before I felt ready to meet people. And I had my share of turkeys. There was the guy who described himself in his personal ad (remember those, pre-Internet?) as “muscular.” I’d describe him as obese. There was the guy who said he was on a diet, so he brought a tape recorder to our dinner date and recorded everything he ate. Then he recorded everything I ate. Then he took my leftovers home. There was the guy who insisted, after our first and last date, that I hop into his rented Cadillac and drive cross-country with him, abandoning my children. And there were the divorced guys who bad-mouthed their ex-wives so badly, I got scared - and wondered why they’d ever want a relationship again.
What Are You Doing Saturday Night?
Some women are ambivalent about dating. Wendy Brown of San Francisco has been widowed for 23 years. She says, “I’d rather hang out with my friends or myself than go on a crappy date.” But, she adds, “I’m open to opportunities that might present themselves.”
Others have nothing but good things to say about going out, like Renee Salem of New York, who was divorced after 23 years of marriage. “I laugh at my own growth and trajectory,” she says. “I wouldn’t cheat, but once the marriage was over, I was ready for romance.” She explains that even when she dated guys who made her cringe, these experiences taught her about what she didn’t want in a relationship.
She says dating enables you to look at potential partners “with new eyes and more compassion when you don’t have the [history of] hurt.” Renee's dating pointers:
Tips from a Pro
Elise Pettus of Brooklyn, New York, who says she’s had “10 years of adventures in the post-marital dating world,” started a support network for divorcing women (called Untied - see resources below) that runs workshops and events. Elise provides the following tips:
The Current Situation
Of course, dating during a pandemic is even more complicated. But if you’re thinking about entering the dating world, this period can give you the time and perspective to decide what you’re really looking for in someone as well as how you’d like to find that person.
What Are You Doing Saturday Night?
Some women are ambivalent about dating. Wendy Brown of San Francisco has been widowed for 23 years. She says, “I’d rather hang out with my friends or myself than go on a crappy date.” But, she adds, “I’m open to opportunities that might present themselves.”
Others have nothing but good things to say about going out, like Renee Salem of New York, who was divorced after 23 years of marriage. “I laugh at my own growth and trajectory,” she says. “I wouldn’t cheat, but once the marriage was over, I was ready for romance.” She explains that even when she dated guys who made her cringe, these experiences taught her about what she didn’t want in a relationship.
She says dating enables you to look at potential partners “with new eyes and more compassion when you don’t have the [history of] hurt.” Renee's dating pointers:
- Decide what your absolute deal-breakers are. Everything else, try it out. She recalls sitting with women and swiping [dating apps]. One saw a man in an ugly shirt and said, ‘Ugh, swipe him.’ Don’t miss out on a potential great guy because of superficial reasons.
- Listen to your inner voice if it tells you something seems off.
- Practice makes perfect: Get used to talking to men who aren’t your husband. You’re test-driving. You’re not committing.
Tips from a Pro
Elise Pettus of Brooklyn, New York, who says she’s had “10 years of adventures in the post-marital dating world,” started a support network for divorcing women (called Untied - see resources below) that runs workshops and events. Elise provides the following tips:
- Make sure you’re really past the acute grief and can get to a place where you love your life and have nurturing activities you love. This way, you won’t be derailed from your passions by your next relationship.
- Most friends, especially married friends, aren’t thinking about who to set you up with, so online is your best option. It gives us agency over who we meet. It gives us an enormous amount of control and reach.
- Online can be a lot of fun if you go into it with the right mindset: curiosity, not fear. Don’t go into it with ‘Am I good enough?’
- Not everyone you meet is dating material.
- Message people you’re interested in. Don’t be passive.
- Don’t take anything personally – for example, when you don’t hear back from someone. It happens to everyone. You have no way of knowing what their story is, so don’t go down that avenue.
- Try to cultivate a breezy relationship until you meet the person.
- Think of a first date as a quick coffee, not as a ‘date.’ Your 'first date' is the date after that. Don’t hang too many expectations on it. And keep it short so you can end on a high note.
- Photos are super important online; it’s a visual medium. You need clear, truthful, recent but beautiful photos.
- I’m a bigger fan of Match and OK Cupid over Tinder and Bumble. It’s hard to get a sense of somebody if they don’t have enough words in their profile.
The Current Situation
Of course, dating during a pandemic is even more complicated. But if you’re thinking about entering the dating world, this period can give you the time and perspective to decide what you’re really looking for in someone as well as how you’d like to find that person.
Additional Resources:
Untied is a support network for divorcing women that holds workshops on online dating; pre-COVID singles events for “post-married peeps” (in the words of founder Elise Pettus,); a professional directory of lawyers, counselors, therapists, and dating and career coaches. It’s open to women from all over the country and currently holds two events a month: one for those just facing divorce and one for those past that point.
Widowish: A Memoir by Melissa Gould is the story of one woman’s journey.
Untied is a support network for divorcing women that holds workshops on online dating; pre-COVID singles events for “post-married peeps” (in the words of founder Elise Pettus,); a professional directory of lawyers, counselors, therapists, and dating and career coaches. It’s open to women from all over the country and currently holds two events a month: one for those just facing divorce and one for those past that point.
Widowish: A Memoir by Melissa Gould is the story of one woman’s journey.
Carol Lippert Gray is an award-winning public relations professional and longtime freelance writer and editor. She has been published in fields as diverse as crafts and corporate finance, parenting and philanthropy. She is also a regular contributor for Sanctuary.
