Healthy Mind
Making YOU the Love of Your Life
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By Amy Beth Acker, LCSW
February is a month where we spend a lot of time thinking and talking about love. Most of that thinking tends to focus on how we love other people and whether we’re receiving love back. It’s great to think about our relationships with other people, but in the process, we often overlook our most important and long-lasting relationship - our relationship with ourselves.
It’s not surprising. In our society, especially for women, we are judged by the way we relate to other people, not ourselves. The more selfless we are, the more we are perceived as loving and “good.” The way we treat ourselves is considered, at best, a non-factor and, at worst, selfish and self-centered.
February is a month where we spend a lot of time thinking and talking about love. Most of that thinking tends to focus on how we love other people and whether we’re receiving love back. It’s great to think about our relationships with other people, but in the process, we often overlook our most important and long-lasting relationship - our relationship with ourselves.
It’s not surprising. In our society, especially for women, we are judged by the way we relate to other people, not ourselves. The more selfless we are, the more we are perceived as loving and “good.” The way we treat ourselves is considered, at best, a non-factor and, at worst, selfish and self-centered.
This is how we wind up feeling resentful of the people we love most. We become so focused on their happiness and well-being that our own gets forgotten. We wind up blaming our feelings on the people in our lives who aren’t loving us in the way we want. We forget to turn inward toward the only person whose thoughts and behavior we can actually control.
Many women find themselves in a place where they don’t like themselves, much less love themselves. They’ve spent most of their lives criticizing, judging and blaming themselves for their perceived faults and wrongdoings. They don’t necessarily want to constantly be focused on the negative, but they are - they’re not aware of how much or how often it’s happening, they don’t know how to change it, or they don’t want to change it because they believe it’s the only thing motivating them to be a better person.
It’s no coincidence that the times in my life where I was most judgmental and critical of myself have also been the times I was most critical and judgmental of those I loved most. When I started to put a high value on my relationship with myself - with honesty, compassion, integrity, and grace - I found that my capacity to give those qualities to others expanded as well. It is still a constant work in progress, but the more I notice the negative thoughts and choose to instead think loving ones, the more the feeling of love follows. Love is a practice, and the more we practice loving ourselves, the better we get at loving others as well.
It can be interesting to note the places where we hold how others treat us to a higher standard than we hold ourselves. Most of us feel betrayed when someone isn’t honest with us or doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do, but we have no problem letting ourselves down and believing our own excuses.
How do you expect others to show up for you? I invite you to think about all the times you haven’t been honest with yourself. Can you think of an example this week, or even today, where you didn’t show up for yourself in the way you told yourself you would? How many thoughts do you think each day that are judgmental or critical of yourself? I would venture to guess you speak to yourself much more harshly and more frequently than anyone else in your life. Do you justify your negative self-talk as necessary or “the truth?”
How would you feel if someone else told you you’re just not as smart as everyone else, or you really need to lose twenty pounds, or you’re not a good mother? What would you think if they went on to justify their hurtful words by telling you they’re just telling you the truth, and they’re not going to stop because then you won’t be motivated to change? Perhaps you have actually heard these things from other people and now you can’t stop hurting yourself with those same words.
I invite you to start exploring these questions. In order to have a loving, trusting, and honest relationship with yourself, you need to be able to look at your own thoughts and behaviors without judgment. You need to have compassion for the person you are in this moment: flawed but worthy, regardless of love without condition. When we are able to do this, we increase our capacity to examine our own thoughts and behaviors without being defensive or falling into victim mode.
If you want the people who love you to be more supportive, the best place to start is to look at the places where you’re not supporting yourself. Maybe you just got promoted, but you question your competence. You want others to believe in you, but only because you really don’t believe in yourself. Maybe you feel overwhelmed juggling your kids’ activities, but you haven’t checked in with yourself about what it is you need, and you haven’t given yourself permission to say “no” to things that really don’t work for you.
When we take the time to identify and challenge thoughts that hurt us, we are treating ourselves with love. Loving ourselves isn’t easy, and there’s no finish line. It’s a lifelong practice, but it starts with awareness.
I recommend to my psychotherapy clients that they set aside ten minutes at the start or end of the day to write down all their thoughts unedited in a journal. This helps to create separation between their thoughts and themselves. Instead of unconsciously accepting their thoughts as truth, they start to see that their thoughts aren’t facts but are old scripts and stories that have been playing on repeat in their minds for years.
The truth is that we are all as lovable now as the day we were born and as lovable as we will ever be. We can love ourselves unconditionally and still make positive changes in our lives from a place of growth and evolution.
This month, I invite you to think about the most loving relationships you have - an emotionally connected partner, a compassionate parent, a supportive best friend, etc. Next, ponder how you can start playing those roles for yourself.
Remember that being loved is all about the capacity for love of the person who is doing the loving. Increase your capacity for self-love, and you will find yourself in the most important loving relationship in your lifetime.
Many women find themselves in a place where they don’t like themselves, much less love themselves. They’ve spent most of their lives criticizing, judging and blaming themselves for their perceived faults and wrongdoings. They don’t necessarily want to constantly be focused on the negative, but they are - they’re not aware of how much or how often it’s happening, they don’t know how to change it, or they don’t want to change it because they believe it’s the only thing motivating them to be a better person.
It’s no coincidence that the times in my life where I was most judgmental and critical of myself have also been the times I was most critical and judgmental of those I loved most. When I started to put a high value on my relationship with myself - with honesty, compassion, integrity, and grace - I found that my capacity to give those qualities to others expanded as well. It is still a constant work in progress, but the more I notice the negative thoughts and choose to instead think loving ones, the more the feeling of love follows. Love is a practice, and the more we practice loving ourselves, the better we get at loving others as well.
It can be interesting to note the places where we hold how others treat us to a higher standard than we hold ourselves. Most of us feel betrayed when someone isn’t honest with us or doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do, but we have no problem letting ourselves down and believing our own excuses.
How do you expect others to show up for you? I invite you to think about all the times you haven’t been honest with yourself. Can you think of an example this week, or even today, where you didn’t show up for yourself in the way you told yourself you would? How many thoughts do you think each day that are judgmental or critical of yourself? I would venture to guess you speak to yourself much more harshly and more frequently than anyone else in your life. Do you justify your negative self-talk as necessary or “the truth?”
How would you feel if someone else told you you’re just not as smart as everyone else, or you really need to lose twenty pounds, or you’re not a good mother? What would you think if they went on to justify their hurtful words by telling you they’re just telling you the truth, and they’re not going to stop because then you won’t be motivated to change? Perhaps you have actually heard these things from other people and now you can’t stop hurting yourself with those same words.
I invite you to start exploring these questions. In order to have a loving, trusting, and honest relationship with yourself, you need to be able to look at your own thoughts and behaviors without judgment. You need to have compassion for the person you are in this moment: flawed but worthy, regardless of love without condition. When we are able to do this, we increase our capacity to examine our own thoughts and behaviors without being defensive or falling into victim mode.
If you want the people who love you to be more supportive, the best place to start is to look at the places where you’re not supporting yourself. Maybe you just got promoted, but you question your competence. You want others to believe in you, but only because you really don’t believe in yourself. Maybe you feel overwhelmed juggling your kids’ activities, but you haven’t checked in with yourself about what it is you need, and you haven’t given yourself permission to say “no” to things that really don’t work for you.
When we take the time to identify and challenge thoughts that hurt us, we are treating ourselves with love. Loving ourselves isn’t easy, and there’s no finish line. It’s a lifelong practice, but it starts with awareness.
I recommend to my psychotherapy clients that they set aside ten minutes at the start or end of the day to write down all their thoughts unedited in a journal. This helps to create separation between their thoughts and themselves. Instead of unconsciously accepting their thoughts as truth, they start to see that their thoughts aren’t facts but are old scripts and stories that have been playing on repeat in their minds for years.
The truth is that we are all as lovable now as the day we were born and as lovable as we will ever be. We can love ourselves unconditionally and still make positive changes in our lives from a place of growth and evolution.
This month, I invite you to think about the most loving relationships you have - an emotionally connected partner, a compassionate parent, a supportive best friend, etc. Next, ponder how you can start playing those roles for yourself.
Remember that being loved is all about the capacity for love of the person who is doing the loving. Increase your capacity for self-love, and you will find yourself in the most important loving relationship in your lifetime.
Additional Resources:
Self-Compassion: Dr. Kristin Neff’s Workshops, Research and Resources
Center for Mindful Self-Compassion: Self-compassion courses, classes, and trainings on self-compassion.
The Center for Non-Violent Communication: Great tools for how to think and speak to yourself (and others) in a way that results in more peace.
Self-Compassion: Dr. Kristin Neff’s Workshops, Research and Resources
Center for Mindful Self-Compassion: Self-compassion courses, classes, and trainings on self-compassion.
The Center for Non-Violent Communication: Great tools for how to think and speak to yourself (and others) in a way that results in more peace.
Amy Beth Acker, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in private practice in Somerville, NJ. She specializes in working with professional women who are struggling with anxiety, perfectionism, or people-pleasing. She is also the author of The Way of the Peaceful Woman: Awaken the Power of You, Create a Life You Love, and Set Yourself Free (excerpted HERE) and is a regular contributor for Sanctuary.
