Ask an Expert
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FEBRUARY TOPIC: A Mom's Relationship with her Grown Son
Carole Lieberman, M.D., M.P.H.
Psychiatrist, Speaker & Award-Winning Author |
OUR EXPERT:
Carole Lieberman, M.D., M.P.H. is a board-certified Beverly Hills psychiatrist and an award-winning and bestselling author. She was trained at NYU-Bellevue and at Anna Freud’s London Clinic. She has served on the Clinical Faculty of UCLA’s Neuropsychiatric Institute for years. When Carole isn’t seeing patients or testifying at trials as a forensic psychiatrist/expert witness, she’s working as a three-time, Emmy-honored TV personality who has appeared on Oprah, the Today Show, Good Morning America, CNN, Fox News, HLN, ET, ABC, CBS, NBC and many more. Additionally, Carole hosts two radio shows/podcasts and travels the world speaking about her books, especially her latest book for children (and their parents and teachers), Lions and Tigers and Terrorists, Oh My! How to Protect Your Child in a Time of Terror (Troika Publishing). When Carole isn’t working, she’s training on her horse to compete in horse shows, doing jumping and dressage. |
"I don’t care for my son’s live-in girlfriend. He’s always mentioning that she’s out with friends while he sits at home, but he doesn’t go into detail. Lately, he seems distracted and not his usual outgoing and happy self. I want to discuss this with him, but I’m afraid he’ll think I’m biased because I never really warmed up to her. Any suggestions?" ~ Robin (NC)
Dear Robin,
A mom’s intuition is rarely wrong. If his girlfriend is out with friends all the time, he’s probably lonely and unhappy with their relationship, but doesn’t want to admit that you were right in having second thoughts about her. He’s probably wondering what she’s doing and whether she’s flirting with other guys or worse. In any case, he’s wondering why she doesn’t want to spend more time with him.
Perhaps she’s already dumped him, and he doesn’t want to say, “Mom, you were right.”
You certainly can bring it up, but in a way that doesn’t focus on his girlfriend. For example, you can say, “I’ve noticed you haven’t been your usual happy self, and I’m concerned about you. Is there anything I can do to help? You know I’m always here as a sounding board. What can I do to help you feel better?"
"My twenty-six-year-old son still lives with us. My husband wants him out of the house, but I don’t want him to feel like we’re kicking him out. He’s employed, but he hasn’t saved a lot of money. I feel torn between my son and my husband." ~ Casey (CA)
Dear Casey,
These days, many millennials have come back home to roost.
This doesn’t make it desirable, however. Every situation is different. It all depends upon what your son’s future plans are. For example, if he wants to continue his education to get a better job, it would be reasonable for you to help him by letting him stay with you. It would also be reasonable for him to stay if he’s applying to get a better-paying job and needs a little time to get one. However, if he’s sitting in your basement playing video games, or wasting the money he makes on foolish things, then it’s time to make a 'get-out-of-home’ plan.
Start by insisting that:
I want to know that my son is in a healthy relationship, but he never brings up dating. He doesn’t really talk with me about social topics at all….he talks about everything else and in-between. Is this typical? ~ Anonymous (NJ)
Dear Anonymous,
Although some sons are embarrassed to tell their moms about personal or social subjects, or are afraid of their mom’s meddling, it does seem a bit extreme for your son to never bring up dating - unless he’s not dating.
Have you ever asked him if he was dating? I think what you’re really concerned about is that he’s not in a ‘healthy’ relationship. Would it upset you if you found out he was gay? If he knows this, it could be why he’s not telling you about who he’s dating. Or, if he’s dating a girl, there may be something about her that he knows you wouldn’t approve of, and he doesn’t want you to tell him to stop seeing her.
The easiest way to solve this is to simply ask him about it. For example, “Son, I love how you share so much about your life with me - your studies, your goals for the future, and so on, but I have noticed that you never talk about your social life, and I’m wondering why that is. Are you afraid that I’ll disapprove of something? Or that I’ll meddle? I promise to always be upfront with you, but I won’t be judgmental. I love you."
Dear Robin,
A mom’s intuition is rarely wrong. If his girlfriend is out with friends all the time, he’s probably lonely and unhappy with their relationship, but doesn’t want to admit that you were right in having second thoughts about her. He’s probably wondering what she’s doing and whether she’s flirting with other guys or worse. In any case, he’s wondering why she doesn’t want to spend more time with him.
Perhaps she’s already dumped him, and he doesn’t want to say, “Mom, you were right.”
You certainly can bring it up, but in a way that doesn’t focus on his girlfriend. For example, you can say, “I’ve noticed you haven’t been your usual happy self, and I’m concerned about you. Is there anything I can do to help? You know I’m always here as a sounding board. What can I do to help you feel better?"
"My twenty-six-year-old son still lives with us. My husband wants him out of the house, but I don’t want him to feel like we’re kicking him out. He’s employed, but he hasn’t saved a lot of money. I feel torn between my son and my husband." ~ Casey (CA)
Dear Casey,
These days, many millennials have come back home to roost.
This doesn’t make it desirable, however. Every situation is different. It all depends upon what your son’s future plans are. For example, if he wants to continue his education to get a better job, it would be reasonable for you to help him by letting him stay with you. It would also be reasonable for him to stay if he’s applying to get a better-paying job and needs a little time to get one. However, if he’s sitting in your basement playing video games, or wasting the money he makes on foolish things, then it’s time to make a 'get-out-of-home’ plan.
Start by insisting that:
- He pay 10%-30% of his income on ‘rent.’
- He makes a written plan for his future - including how he intends to better himself.
- He spends at least 1 hour per day on household chores. This should get him thinking about creating a more independent life for himself..
I want to know that my son is in a healthy relationship, but he never brings up dating. He doesn’t really talk with me about social topics at all….he talks about everything else and in-between. Is this typical? ~ Anonymous (NJ)
Dear Anonymous,
Although some sons are embarrassed to tell their moms about personal or social subjects, or are afraid of their mom’s meddling, it does seem a bit extreme for your son to never bring up dating - unless he’s not dating.
Have you ever asked him if he was dating? I think what you’re really concerned about is that he’s not in a ‘healthy’ relationship. Would it upset you if you found out he was gay? If he knows this, it could be why he’s not telling you about who he’s dating. Or, if he’s dating a girl, there may be something about her that he knows you wouldn’t approve of, and he doesn’t want you to tell him to stop seeing her.
The easiest way to solve this is to simply ask him about it. For example, “Son, I love how you share so much about your life with me - your studies, your goals for the future, and so on, but I have noticed that you never talk about your social life, and I’m wondering why that is. Are you afraid that I’ll disapprove of something? Or that I’ll meddle? I promise to always be upfront with you, but I won’t be judgmental. I love you."
