Ask an Expert
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FEBRUARY 2024 TOPIC: Communication Snags with Adult Siblings
Marisa Moeller, Ph.D.
Owner of The Alternative Therapists Partnership, Inc. |
OUR EXPERT:
Marisa Moeller, Ph.D., is the owner of The Alternative Therapists Partnership, Inc. which offers a number of specialized holistic healing modalities. Marisa holds master’s degrees in English and psychology and a Ph.D. in psychology. She is a Reiki Master and holistic health therapist and is certified in several areas, including creative and expressive arts therapy, clinical hypnotherapy, and professional and life coaching. Marisa is the host of Radiant Living: Inspiring Humanity to Thrive, a powerful and inspiring network where those who've faced great adversity in their lives, whether physical, emotional or spiritual, explain how they have triumphed over it all with the right tools, creative outlets and proper support. Marisa is also very involved in her community. For many years, she volunteered as a Girl Scout leader and as a regular volunteer for Barrett Art Center in Poughkeepsie, New York. She loves to read and collect antiques. She resides in Amenia, New York, with her husband and daughter. |
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"I have two sisters. Our mother passed, and now we've resorted to fighting over her personal items that she didn't break down in her will. A friend of mine said that she has always heard about this...siblings fighting over who gets what when it comes to settling things in the family home. Feelings are hurt. Any suggestions for keeping things civil?" ~ Anne (MA)
Dear Anne, First, I would like to express my sincerest condolences to you and your entire family on the loss of your mother, Anne. This can indeed be a challenging time for everyone involved, especially as emotions may be running quite high. I do completely understand that this is a very difficult situation that you all find yourselves in. |
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A key step is to prioritize communication between your sisters and allow for feelings to be openly and respectfully expressed. It is important to acknowledge that each of you is grieving in your own way and may each have different ways of expressing that grief. It is imperative to understand that often the attachment to physical items is less about the material worth of the items and more about the emotional significance those items hold as a connection to a loved one. Recognizing that you and your sisters each may be attaching your own emotions and memories to these items is a start for all of you.
Setting up a structured process for dividing your mother's belongings may be helpful. You might consider getting together to discuss each item's significance and what memories it holds for each of you. Then, try to reach a mutual agreement on who should receive it. If you find that direct communication may be challenging right now, consider writing down your thoughts and feelings about certain items and share them amongst yourselves. This can help to avoid confrontational conversations and allows each of you an opportunity to fully express your sentiments.
If conversations become too heated or unproductive, it might be beneficial to involve a neutral third party. This could be a family friend, a mediator, or a therapist who can help facilitate the discussion and keep it on track. They can ensure that everyone's voice is heard and respected, which can help in reaching a fair agreement.
Remember, it's also important to take a step back and consider the bigger picture. The relationships you have with your sisters are likely to outlast the distribution of your mother's belongings. Keeping this in perspective can help in making decisions that won't harm your relationships in the long run.
Finally, allow space for each of you to grieve in your own way. Each of you should take note that grief can manifest itself in various ways, including anger, possessiveness and aggression. Being understanding and patient with each other during this period will contribute to maintaining civil and harmonious encounters and conversations, while at the same time preserving the unbreakable bond you share as siblings.
Setting up a structured process for dividing your mother's belongings may be helpful. You might consider getting together to discuss each item's significance and what memories it holds for each of you. Then, try to reach a mutual agreement on who should receive it. If you find that direct communication may be challenging right now, consider writing down your thoughts and feelings about certain items and share them amongst yourselves. This can help to avoid confrontational conversations and allows each of you an opportunity to fully express your sentiments.
If conversations become too heated or unproductive, it might be beneficial to involve a neutral third party. This could be a family friend, a mediator, or a therapist who can help facilitate the discussion and keep it on track. They can ensure that everyone's voice is heard and respected, which can help in reaching a fair agreement.
Remember, it's also important to take a step back and consider the bigger picture. The relationships you have with your sisters are likely to outlast the distribution of your mother's belongings. Keeping this in perspective can help in making decisions that won't harm your relationships in the long run.
Finally, allow space for each of you to grieve in your own way. Each of you should take note that grief can manifest itself in various ways, including anger, possessiveness and aggression. Being understanding and patient with each other during this period will contribute to maintaining civil and harmonious encounters and conversations, while at the same time preserving the unbreakable bond you share as siblings.
"I've always been close with my younger brother (I'm 68, and he's 65), even though as adults we've lived in different towns. We'd talk weekly and meet up frequently. I have been married for over 35 years to the same man and have two grown children. He's been a lifelong bachelor, dating often, but never getting attached for too long a period of time. Over the past few years, he has been involved with the same woman. Since then, he's stopped joining family events, visiting me, and our calls have reduced drastically, often citing commitments with her extended family (She has never been married and has no children of her own). Even his close, childhood friends have noticed his behavior change. According to them, he never seems to have time for them anymore. Now, my brother is getting married, and I'm struggling to tell him I feel we've drifted apart because of his relationship with her. I want him to be happy, but I feel this woman is isolating him from family and friends. What can I do?" ~ Lyla (NJ)
Hi Lyla,
From what you have written here, it is quite clear that you and your younger brother have always shared a strong bond throughout your lives. I completely understand that these recent changes in your relationship with him are causing you concern, as well as presenting you with some challenges.
It’s important to recognize that relationships evolve over time, especially as our life circumstances change. Your brother's involvement in a significant romantic relationship naturally alters his priorities and time allocation. This doesn't necessarily diminish the love or importance of your relationship with him; it's often a common shift as people enter different stages in their lives.
When speaking with your brother, focus on expressing your feelings without judgment or assumptions about his partner. Use "I" statements to convey how his changes in behavior have affected you, like: I miss our frequent conversations; I get worried when I don't hear from you for a long time; I miss hearing about all the wonderful things you are doing; or I feel a bit sad when you're not able to join us at family events. This approach encourages open communication without placing blame on any one person or making accusatory statements that are directed toward one person or another.
Regarding your concerns about your brother's partner, it's crucial to differentiate between your perception of their relationship and its reality. While your worries are valid and come from a place of love, it's important to remember that his relationship dynamics, including how he chooses to balance his time, are ultimately his decision. It might be helpful to reflect on whether your concerns are based on observable facts or your interpretations and fears about the potential impact on your brother and his future.
Lastly, remember that supporting your brother's happiness and respecting his choices, even if they don't align with your expectations, is a vital part of a loving sibling relationship. Encouraging open, honest communication, while also focusing on maintaining your own emotional health, is key to navigating this possible change in your relationship with your brother.
"My Sister and I are only two years apart in age. I am the older of the two. Though we live in the same town, we lead very different lives. I am married with children. She is a surgeon, single and always has been; no children. I am also an attorney, but I put this career on hold while raising my children. I have gone back to it now.
The problem is that my sister is always trying to tell me how to live. According to her, my life is not fulfilling enough, not glamorous enough, not wealthy enough. She criticizes all the things I like to do or hold dear, like my interests, hobbies, even my friends. I love her dearly, but I wish she would keep her opinions to herself! I cannot seem to make her understand that her opinions are just that, her own! I’ve started making excuses for why I cannot spend time with her, or why we cannot have her visiting us as often as she used to, or even why we cannot make it to her home or events she has planned for all of us. I feel terrible, but at this stage in my life, I do not want to waste time being around all this negativity. How can I make this relationship be what it should be, one of love and mutual respect?" ~Angela (MI)
Hi Angela,
Thank you for reaching out and sharing your concerns regarding your relationship with your sister. It's clear that you value your relationship with her but are feeling distressed by the ongoing dynamics.
It is quite common for siblings, even those who are close in age and background, to have different life paths and perspectives. Each person's journey is unique and influenced by their individual choices and experiences. It appears that your sister has her own set of values and beliefs about what constitutes a fulfilling life. These values and beliefs may be quite different from yours. It's important to remember that fulfillment is subjective and what works for one person may not work for another.
What concerns me here is that your sister's criticisms are leading you to avoid interactions with her. This avoidance might provide you with temporary relief but might not address the underlying issues. Open and honest communication is the key in such situations. A sprinkling of patience and understanding won't hurt either.
You might consider having a candid conversation with your sister about how her comments make you feel. It's best to make sure you select the proper time and place for this conversation to take place. A location offering neutral territory and a time that is relaxed for you both would work best. Take note, that this is a conversation between you two, so your sister should also be given time to voice her perspective.
You could express your desire for a relationship that is based on mutual respect and understanding. Saying something to your sister like this may work: I respect and love you very much and I would love it if these feelings were reciprocated. Remember to speak calmly and clearly when you articulate your point. Pay careful attention to your facial expressions and the tone of your voice. This can make all the difference in how your message will be received. Avoid ‘You’ statements. You do not want to put the blame on your sister or sound accusatory in any way.
Establishing boundaries is also very important. Boundaries are not about changing the other person’s behavior but about setting limits that protect your well-being. You can kindly, but firmly, let your sister know what kind of comments or behaviors you find unacceptable and the consequences if those boundaries are crossed. There is nothing wrong with letting it be known that certain topics and/or behaviors are absolutely off-limits. Remember, your own well-being comes first.
There may come a time when you will need to seek the services of an impartial observer. You may want to call in a family member to mediate or seek the guidance of a professional. A family therapist could provide a neutral space for both of you to express your feelings and work towards a healthier relationship dynamic.
Building any strong relationship takes lots of work. This is especially so when that uniquely complex sibling relationship is in question. By putting these ideas into action and maintaining an open and positive mindset, you will likely see some positive changes in how you both connect. The results should reveal a healthy balance of autonomy, while at the same time providing a strong sense of support.
Hi Lyla,
From what you have written here, it is quite clear that you and your younger brother have always shared a strong bond throughout your lives. I completely understand that these recent changes in your relationship with him are causing you concern, as well as presenting you with some challenges.
It’s important to recognize that relationships evolve over time, especially as our life circumstances change. Your brother's involvement in a significant romantic relationship naturally alters his priorities and time allocation. This doesn't necessarily diminish the love or importance of your relationship with him; it's often a common shift as people enter different stages in their lives.
When speaking with your brother, focus on expressing your feelings without judgment or assumptions about his partner. Use "I" statements to convey how his changes in behavior have affected you, like: I miss our frequent conversations; I get worried when I don't hear from you for a long time; I miss hearing about all the wonderful things you are doing; or I feel a bit sad when you're not able to join us at family events. This approach encourages open communication without placing blame on any one person or making accusatory statements that are directed toward one person or another.
Regarding your concerns about your brother's partner, it's crucial to differentiate between your perception of their relationship and its reality. While your worries are valid and come from a place of love, it's important to remember that his relationship dynamics, including how he chooses to balance his time, are ultimately his decision. It might be helpful to reflect on whether your concerns are based on observable facts or your interpretations and fears about the potential impact on your brother and his future.
Lastly, remember that supporting your brother's happiness and respecting his choices, even if they don't align with your expectations, is a vital part of a loving sibling relationship. Encouraging open, honest communication, while also focusing on maintaining your own emotional health, is key to navigating this possible change in your relationship with your brother.
"My Sister and I are only two years apart in age. I am the older of the two. Though we live in the same town, we lead very different lives. I am married with children. She is a surgeon, single and always has been; no children. I am also an attorney, but I put this career on hold while raising my children. I have gone back to it now.
The problem is that my sister is always trying to tell me how to live. According to her, my life is not fulfilling enough, not glamorous enough, not wealthy enough. She criticizes all the things I like to do or hold dear, like my interests, hobbies, even my friends. I love her dearly, but I wish she would keep her opinions to herself! I cannot seem to make her understand that her opinions are just that, her own! I’ve started making excuses for why I cannot spend time with her, or why we cannot have her visiting us as often as she used to, or even why we cannot make it to her home or events she has planned for all of us. I feel terrible, but at this stage in my life, I do not want to waste time being around all this negativity. How can I make this relationship be what it should be, one of love and mutual respect?" ~Angela (MI)
Hi Angela,
Thank you for reaching out and sharing your concerns regarding your relationship with your sister. It's clear that you value your relationship with her but are feeling distressed by the ongoing dynamics.
It is quite common for siblings, even those who are close in age and background, to have different life paths and perspectives. Each person's journey is unique and influenced by their individual choices and experiences. It appears that your sister has her own set of values and beliefs about what constitutes a fulfilling life. These values and beliefs may be quite different from yours. It's important to remember that fulfillment is subjective and what works for one person may not work for another.
What concerns me here is that your sister's criticisms are leading you to avoid interactions with her. This avoidance might provide you with temporary relief but might not address the underlying issues. Open and honest communication is the key in such situations. A sprinkling of patience and understanding won't hurt either.
You might consider having a candid conversation with your sister about how her comments make you feel. It's best to make sure you select the proper time and place for this conversation to take place. A location offering neutral territory and a time that is relaxed for you both would work best. Take note, that this is a conversation between you two, so your sister should also be given time to voice her perspective.
You could express your desire for a relationship that is based on mutual respect and understanding. Saying something to your sister like this may work: I respect and love you very much and I would love it if these feelings were reciprocated. Remember to speak calmly and clearly when you articulate your point. Pay careful attention to your facial expressions and the tone of your voice. This can make all the difference in how your message will be received. Avoid ‘You’ statements. You do not want to put the blame on your sister or sound accusatory in any way.
Establishing boundaries is also very important. Boundaries are not about changing the other person’s behavior but about setting limits that protect your well-being. You can kindly, but firmly, let your sister know what kind of comments or behaviors you find unacceptable and the consequences if those boundaries are crossed. There is nothing wrong with letting it be known that certain topics and/or behaviors are absolutely off-limits. Remember, your own well-being comes first.
There may come a time when you will need to seek the services of an impartial observer. You may want to call in a family member to mediate or seek the guidance of a professional. A family therapist could provide a neutral space for both of you to express your feelings and work towards a healthier relationship dynamic.
Building any strong relationship takes lots of work. This is especially so when that uniquely complex sibling relationship is in question. By putting these ideas into action and maintaining an open and positive mindset, you will likely see some positive changes in how you both connect. The results should reveal a healthy balance of autonomy, while at the same time providing a strong sense of support.
