Ask an Expert
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JUNE TOPIC: Maintaining Intimacy in Your Marriage
Mary Jo Rapini, M.Ed., LPC
Psychotherapist, Keynote Speaker and TV Personality |
OUR EXPERT:
Mary Jo Rapini, M.Ed., LPC is a psychotherapist specializing in intimacy, sex and relationships. She maintains a private practice as a Relationship, Intimacy/Sex Psychotherapist and is a renowned lecturer, author and television personality. Currently, you can find Mary Jo on Fox 26 Mondays and Thursdays with her segment on healthy relationships and “Ask Mary Jo.” She has been a contributor on air for CNN’s Prime News and has been on CBS up to the Minute, Fox National Morning News, Montel, Steve Harvey, the Today Show and Dateline. Mary Jo was also featured in TLC’s Big Medicine which ran two seasons and Discovery Health Channel about her Near Death Experience. Mary Jo was seen on the Dr. Oz show in November 2018 talking about what happens to us when we die. Mary Jo contributes and writes a love/relationship blog for the Houston Chronicle online and Your Tango as an expert, and she has contributed to Cosmopolitan, Women’s Health First, Seventeen, Redbook and many others. She has a column in Prime Living magazine which is released quarterly. She is the author of Is God Pink? Dying to Heal (Publish America, 2006) and co-author of Start Talking: A Girl's Guide for You and Your Mom about Health, Sex, or Whatever (Bayou Publishing, 2008) and Re-Coupling: A Couple’s 4 Step Guide to Greater Intimacy and Better Sex (Motivational Press, Inc., 2015). She lives in Houston, Texas. |
“Now that our children are grown up and out of the house, my husband and I are lost for things to do. We used to enjoy attending school events – sports, music, etc. - but now it seems that our social calendar has dwindled. We aren’t in touch with friends from the school community anymore, and we live in a somewhat remote area. Any tips for ‘empty nesters’ looking to rekindle the fun?” ~ Angie (NJ)
Angie,
You aren’t alone, and in fact, there is an increasing number of “Gray Divorces” due to the fact that couples raise their children and are excellent parents but may forget to nurture their relationship. One of the biggest killers of fun in marriage are complacency, stress and boredom. Here are tips to combat all three. Practice as many as you can every day and share the list with your partner.
“My husband likes to do stuff with the ‘boys,’ and he gets excited for these occasional outings. When I suggest something to do, he is less than enthusiastic, even if it involves plans with other couples. He always goes, but I can tell that his heart isn’t in it. I want him to enjoy his time with me. Any suggestions?” ~ Megan (NC)
Megan,
It will really help if both you and your hubby begin investing more time in your personal interests as well as things you can do together. I work mostly with men in my clinical practice, and they often tell me that when they’re together with their wife, they feel pleasure to please her and worry if she isn’t enjoying it. Going out with the guys is easier -there is no pressure.
Changing your expectations about what you do for fun or activities will help bring more fun back into your relationship. Try new things you haven’t tried, and let him think out-of-the-box with you to create date nights. I suggest learning his love language and sharing yours with him, so together you can begin reengaging in simple outings with a focus on feeling emotionally connected. For ease, I have a video about this topic: Five Types of Intimacy Besides Sex.
Also, be observant of how you support him. Do you listen to him, or has the busyness of life gotten in the way? My husband and I enjoy walks after dinner. These walks encourage conversations that aren’t forced, and, honestly, they leave us both feeling much more connected than a trip to an exotic location.
“Do you have any ideas for getting your partner in the mood? I’m not so young anymore…so skimpy lingerie or sexy role-play outfits make me uncomfortable. We are closer in every other way now that we’ve been together for so long, but sexual intimacy…not so much.” ~ Anonymous (TX)
Anonymous,
The most important thing to know is that physical activity is part of a healthy lifestyle. There is no standard of how much sex you need. If it works for the two of you, that’s healthy. If you have painful sex or no interest, begin with an OB/GYN (women) or urologist (men) to get evaluated. A disinterest in sex may be a warning flag that you have an undetected medical condition. Hypertension, hormone imbalance, and low testosterone affect many areas of health; so, for men, it isn’t only about better sex but other health issues, such as diabetes, obesity, and emotional issues that may be unresolved.
Love yourself enough to take care of your whole self. Physical sex is not something you do for your partner, it is an integral part of taking care of you. Sharing your sexual self with your partner deepens your emotional connection.
Angie,
You aren’t alone, and in fact, there is an increasing number of “Gray Divorces” due to the fact that couples raise their children and are excellent parents but may forget to nurture their relationship. One of the biggest killers of fun in marriage are complacency, stress and boredom. Here are tips to combat all three. Practice as many as you can every day and share the list with your partner.
- Schedule a weekly date night and take turns planning the date. When both partners show effort and interest in planning dates, it becomes more fun and interesting.
- Make that surprise overnight getaway happen sooner, rather than later.
- When you think of something sweet about your spouse during the day, text them and tell them.
- Schedule and sync intimacy times on your calendars. Couples who schedule sex have sex. Sex stabilizes mood, improves cardio vascular health and strengthens your immune system. Sex is part of a healthy lifestyle.
- Keep an active list of fun things to do together in a central area so you always have something to try together.
- Quit making excuses for not putting effort into your relationship.
- Wear outfits your partner likes.
- Go to bed as often as you can together. Skin to skin touch heals the body both physically and emotionally. Put away those thick flannel pajamas – summer is here!
- Share the house responsibilities and chores. When possible, do them together.
- Praise each other in front of your children whenever you can. Spouses thrive on positive comments made by their partner, and children learn what healthy love looks like.
“My husband likes to do stuff with the ‘boys,’ and he gets excited for these occasional outings. When I suggest something to do, he is less than enthusiastic, even if it involves plans with other couples. He always goes, but I can tell that his heart isn’t in it. I want him to enjoy his time with me. Any suggestions?” ~ Megan (NC)
Megan,
It will really help if both you and your hubby begin investing more time in your personal interests as well as things you can do together. I work mostly with men in my clinical practice, and they often tell me that when they’re together with their wife, they feel pleasure to please her and worry if she isn’t enjoying it. Going out with the guys is easier -there is no pressure.
Changing your expectations about what you do for fun or activities will help bring more fun back into your relationship. Try new things you haven’t tried, and let him think out-of-the-box with you to create date nights. I suggest learning his love language and sharing yours with him, so together you can begin reengaging in simple outings with a focus on feeling emotionally connected. For ease, I have a video about this topic: Five Types of Intimacy Besides Sex.
Also, be observant of how you support him. Do you listen to him, or has the busyness of life gotten in the way? My husband and I enjoy walks after dinner. These walks encourage conversations that aren’t forced, and, honestly, they leave us both feeling much more connected than a trip to an exotic location.
“Do you have any ideas for getting your partner in the mood? I’m not so young anymore…so skimpy lingerie or sexy role-play outfits make me uncomfortable. We are closer in every other way now that we’ve been together for so long, but sexual intimacy…not so much.” ~ Anonymous (TX)
Anonymous,
- The brain is the largest sex organ. You have to start here to feel good about sex. If you are angry or anxious at a partner, you have to deal with the brain first. Anger that is held in does not create good sex or help you to feel sexy.
- Your attitude. Embrace yourself - you don't need to be a perfect size. If you have curves and hips, embrace them. This is one of the most beautiful aspects of women. Most of us have flaws, cellulite, acne or wrinkles. These "flaws" will not distract from a beautiful smile or a warm embrace. Take a lesson from your man. Men are much better at embracing their flaws than women are.
- Fantasize. The more you think about sex, the more you will want it, so be sure to take time to think about it. Read romance novels or erotica to each other, listen to music, and watch movies. I caution couples not to share their fantasies, unless they involve one another in their fantasy.
- Get to know your body. Touch yourself so you know the sensitive areas of your body. Where does it make you feel good to touch? This knowledge is very important and helpful to the person loving you. Your partner cannot read your mind, so let them know what feels good.
- Foreplay. The name tells you what it is for. Healthy marriage foreplay starts first thing in the morning and lasts all day. Make sure you stay connected during the day with a quick call or text. Sexual intercourse is only one small part of sex. There are so many ways to be intimate in your marriage, so why get hung up on only one?
The most important thing to know is that physical activity is part of a healthy lifestyle. There is no standard of how much sex you need. If it works for the two of you, that’s healthy. If you have painful sex or no interest, begin with an OB/GYN (women) or urologist (men) to get evaluated. A disinterest in sex may be a warning flag that you have an undetected medical condition. Hypertension, hormone imbalance, and low testosterone affect many areas of health; so, for men, it isn’t only about better sex but other health issues, such as diabetes, obesity, and emotional issues that may be unresolved.
Love yourself enough to take care of your whole self. Physical sex is not something you do for your partner, it is an integral part of taking care of you. Sharing your sexual self with your partner deepens your emotional connection.
