Healthy Mind
Four Tools to Solve Any Problem
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By Amy Beth Acker, LCSW
The pandemic has created an endless stream of problems for our minds to try to solve: the realities of illness and death, financial fears, the stock market crash, loss of jobs, the inability for businesses to operate for an unforeseeable amount of time, schooling our children from home, prolonged isolation, and physical disconnection from our loved ones.
The primitive part of our brains would have us believe that the pandemic is the source of our problems right now, and if the pandemic would just end or if it could somehow be controlled, we could go back to our normal lives and once again live in peace. Unfortunately, this is where our brains are sorely mistaken. There will always be painful problems in our lives.
The pandemic has created an endless stream of problems for our minds to try to solve: the realities of illness and death, financial fears, the stock market crash, loss of jobs, the inability for businesses to operate for an unforeseeable amount of time, schooling our children from home, prolonged isolation, and physical disconnection from our loved ones.
The primitive part of our brains would have us believe that the pandemic is the source of our problems right now, and if the pandemic would just end or if it could somehow be controlled, we could go back to our normal lives and once again live in peace. Unfortunately, this is where our brains are sorely mistaken. There will always be painful problems in our lives.
Our brains are designed to find and solve problems. This is how we have survived as a species. However, our brains are also terrible at determining what an actual problem is. We’ve evolved to go into fight or flight mode quickly and easily, judging everything to find and eliminate threats. Yet, we now live in a world where fear and judgment keep us from our ultimate evolution. Our brain’s capacity to judge is massive, and our brain’s capacity to let go of our attachment to those judgments is incredibly limited - unless we practice.
Nothing is a problem until we decide it’s a problem. Circumstances like the pandemic are neutral. Social isolation may feel like a prison to some and a godsend to others. The death of a loved one may feel like a tragedy to some and a relief to others.
Circumstances are only problems because we judge them to be. That doesn’t mean we don’t feel pain when things happen that we didn’t want to happen. It can be empowering, however, to understand that the source of the pain is what we’re making it, not the circumstance itself. Moreover, pain itself is a feeling, not a problem - unless we decide that it is.
Since we get to decide what situations pose a problem, we also get to decide the solutions. For me, I have found that there are four tools that help change my perception of any problem. When I’ve changed my perspective from one that causes me suffering to one that helps me find peace, I know I’ve found the solution to that problem.
The tricky part is that my brain still wants to get stuck in judgment and negative thinking. That’s okay. I know my job isn’t to aim for perfection when looking for solutions to my problems. In fact, the quest for perfection will only create more problems. Instead, I can aim to practice these tools as often as I can. I invite you to do the same. Remember that all problems present us with a unique opportunity to grow, to heal, to evolve and, ultimately, to have a more loving and peaceful relationship with ourselves and, by extension, with our circumstances.
ONE: Letting Go of Judgment
Our brains are designed to constantly judge everything around us. If our goal is to get our brains to stop judging entirely, we will be fighting a losing battle. Instead, we can aim to let go of our attachment to our judgments. When we are able to notice our judgments without buying into them, we become a witness to them. Then, our judgments stop controlling us with painful stories about what’s wrong with reality.
When we judge, we feel pain because we believe that things are not the way they should be. But the truth is that things are exactly the way they should be.
This doesn’t mean we become resigned to our suffering. For most of us, indifference would cause us just as much pain as our judgments do. It just means we recognize our thoughts as judgments and allow ourselves to observe them with curiosity and compassion. Remember that nothing is a problem unless we judge it to be. When we get curious, we can gain some space between ourselves and our judgments - in that space, our judgments often let go of us.
TWO: Presence
Most, maybe even all, of our problems exist either in the past where we have judgment and pain about what happened or in the future where we experience anticipatory pain through worry, anxiety and fear. Neither the past nor the future is happening to us in the present; yet, when we think painful thoughts about them, they might as well be.
Back in January, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. I had plans to drive to her home in another state every weekend to take care of her as she went through chemo and radiation. But when the pandemic started, those plans got thrown out the window. I could no longer be physically present with her and could only interact with her through Facetime calls as she endured daily treatments. When her health took a turn for the worse, and she was admitted to the hospital, I felt completely helpless. My father had unexpectedly died nine months earlier, and I was sure I was going to lose her too.
I would normally drop everything to be with her, but the hospital prohibited all visitors during the pandemic, so there was nothing I could do but sit with my feelings and wait to see what would happen. At first, this was a huge struggle. I tried to do everything I could to control the situation through my phone by making countless calls and consulting “Dr. Google” numerous times. Eventually, though, I realized that there was nothing I could do but feel the feelings that were there. Anything else was only compounding the pain.
When I was able to be present with painful feelings, they paradoxically became less painful. I was able to see the feelings of grief and fear for what they really were – sensations in my body and not threats to my existence.
THREE: Acceptance
We regain our power when we stop fighting with reality and allow ourselves to accept it. When my mind gets caught up in something or someone that I think isn’t right, I find it helpful to tell myself, “This belongs.” This thing that causes me pain was always meant to happen or to be here.
Reality just is. And peace becomes much more possible when we stop resisting reality and start seeing things as they really are, instead of how we think they should be. So much of what we think of as a problem is really just our inability to accept reality. This doesn’t mean we don’t take action. It just means we let go of the idea that our problems are happening to us and that we’re a victim of our circumstances.
When I was able to approach my father’s death last year with this mindset, things became a lot easier for me. I was able to let go of unanswerable questions that only caused me more pain. Instead, I started thinking about what I wanted my relationship with him to be now that one of us was alive and one of us wasn’t. When I wasn’t fighting with reality, I was able to realize that the most important component of a relationship – love – was still there, and this helped pave the way for me to open my mind to the possibility that a relationship was not only still possible, but it could be even better than ever before.
FOUR: The Power to Choose
Viktor Frankl was an Austrian neurologist who spent four years in a Nazi concentration camp. During that time, he lost his entire family, his life’s work, and he endured unimaginable physical and mental suffering on a daily basis. In his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, he discusses that we only ever have one freedom in life - the freedom to choose how we think about and respond to our circumstances.
In my work with my clients as a psychotherapist, I help them understand this truth. Problems are a part of life. We might not be able to control the fact that a problem has happened, but now that it has, we can decide how we want to think about it. When you decide that a problem is actually the exact thing you need to heal, to evolve, and to become the next version of yourself, you exercise the ultimate power.
Here are some questions to ask yourself about a problem you’re currently experiencing:
It can be such a relief to know that we don’t have to spend time and energy worrying about problems happening to us. We already have within us everything we need to get through our problems and to become a stronger version of ourselves on the other end. We have the power to stop resisting reality and start being more clear and present in our circumstances, whatever they may be.
Nothing is a problem until we decide it’s a problem. Circumstances like the pandemic are neutral. Social isolation may feel like a prison to some and a godsend to others. The death of a loved one may feel like a tragedy to some and a relief to others.
Circumstances are only problems because we judge them to be. That doesn’t mean we don’t feel pain when things happen that we didn’t want to happen. It can be empowering, however, to understand that the source of the pain is what we’re making it, not the circumstance itself. Moreover, pain itself is a feeling, not a problem - unless we decide that it is.
Since we get to decide what situations pose a problem, we also get to decide the solutions. For me, I have found that there are four tools that help change my perception of any problem. When I’ve changed my perspective from one that causes me suffering to one that helps me find peace, I know I’ve found the solution to that problem.
The tricky part is that my brain still wants to get stuck in judgment and negative thinking. That’s okay. I know my job isn’t to aim for perfection when looking for solutions to my problems. In fact, the quest for perfection will only create more problems. Instead, I can aim to practice these tools as often as I can. I invite you to do the same. Remember that all problems present us with a unique opportunity to grow, to heal, to evolve and, ultimately, to have a more loving and peaceful relationship with ourselves and, by extension, with our circumstances.
ONE: Letting Go of Judgment
Our brains are designed to constantly judge everything around us. If our goal is to get our brains to stop judging entirely, we will be fighting a losing battle. Instead, we can aim to let go of our attachment to our judgments. When we are able to notice our judgments without buying into them, we become a witness to them. Then, our judgments stop controlling us with painful stories about what’s wrong with reality.
When we judge, we feel pain because we believe that things are not the way they should be. But the truth is that things are exactly the way they should be.
This doesn’t mean we become resigned to our suffering. For most of us, indifference would cause us just as much pain as our judgments do. It just means we recognize our thoughts as judgments and allow ourselves to observe them with curiosity and compassion. Remember that nothing is a problem unless we judge it to be. When we get curious, we can gain some space between ourselves and our judgments - in that space, our judgments often let go of us.
TWO: Presence
Most, maybe even all, of our problems exist either in the past where we have judgment and pain about what happened or in the future where we experience anticipatory pain through worry, anxiety and fear. Neither the past nor the future is happening to us in the present; yet, when we think painful thoughts about them, they might as well be.
Back in January, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. I had plans to drive to her home in another state every weekend to take care of her as she went through chemo and radiation. But when the pandemic started, those plans got thrown out the window. I could no longer be physically present with her and could only interact with her through Facetime calls as she endured daily treatments. When her health took a turn for the worse, and she was admitted to the hospital, I felt completely helpless. My father had unexpectedly died nine months earlier, and I was sure I was going to lose her too.
I would normally drop everything to be with her, but the hospital prohibited all visitors during the pandemic, so there was nothing I could do but sit with my feelings and wait to see what would happen. At first, this was a huge struggle. I tried to do everything I could to control the situation through my phone by making countless calls and consulting “Dr. Google” numerous times. Eventually, though, I realized that there was nothing I could do but feel the feelings that were there. Anything else was only compounding the pain.
When I was able to be present with painful feelings, they paradoxically became less painful. I was able to see the feelings of grief and fear for what they really were – sensations in my body and not threats to my existence.
THREE: Acceptance
We regain our power when we stop fighting with reality and allow ourselves to accept it. When my mind gets caught up in something or someone that I think isn’t right, I find it helpful to tell myself, “This belongs.” This thing that causes me pain was always meant to happen or to be here.
Reality just is. And peace becomes much more possible when we stop resisting reality and start seeing things as they really are, instead of how we think they should be. So much of what we think of as a problem is really just our inability to accept reality. This doesn’t mean we don’t take action. It just means we let go of the idea that our problems are happening to us and that we’re a victim of our circumstances.
When I was able to approach my father’s death last year with this mindset, things became a lot easier for me. I was able to let go of unanswerable questions that only caused me more pain. Instead, I started thinking about what I wanted my relationship with him to be now that one of us was alive and one of us wasn’t. When I wasn’t fighting with reality, I was able to realize that the most important component of a relationship – love – was still there, and this helped pave the way for me to open my mind to the possibility that a relationship was not only still possible, but it could be even better than ever before.
FOUR: The Power to Choose
Viktor Frankl was an Austrian neurologist who spent four years in a Nazi concentration camp. During that time, he lost his entire family, his life’s work, and he endured unimaginable physical and mental suffering on a daily basis. In his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, he discusses that we only ever have one freedom in life - the freedom to choose how we think about and respond to our circumstances.
In my work with my clients as a psychotherapist, I help them understand this truth. Problems are a part of life. We might not be able to control the fact that a problem has happened, but now that it has, we can decide how we want to think about it. When you decide that a problem is actually the exact thing you need to heal, to evolve, and to become the next version of yourself, you exercise the ultimate power.
Here are some questions to ask yourself about a problem you’re currently experiencing:
- Who do I want to be now and at the end of this?
- How do I want to feel?
- What do I want to think?
- What’s my purpose, and how does this situation help me live my purpose even more deeply?
It can be such a relief to know that we don’t have to spend time and energy worrying about problems happening to us. We already have within us everything we need to get through our problems and to become a stronger version of ourselves on the other end. We have the power to stop resisting reality and start being more clear and present in our circumstances, whatever they may be.
Additional Resources:
Jack Kornfield: Free meditations and mindfulness talks from trained Buddhist monk and mindfulness teacher Jack Kornfield.
Dharma Seed: Mindfulness teachings and meditations from Dharma Seed, an online resource dedicated to making the Buddhist teachings of Insight Meditation and associated practices available to all.
Sylvia Boorstein: Psychotherapist and meditation teacher Sylvia Boorstein’s blog on mindfulness in daily life.
Jack Kornfield: Free meditations and mindfulness talks from trained Buddhist monk and mindfulness teacher Jack Kornfield.
Dharma Seed: Mindfulness teachings and meditations from Dharma Seed, an online resource dedicated to making the Buddhist teachings of Insight Meditation and associated practices available to all.
Sylvia Boorstein: Psychotherapist and meditation teacher Sylvia Boorstein’s blog on mindfulness in daily life.
Amy Beth Acker, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in private practice in Somerville, NJ. She specializes in working with professional women who are struggling with anxiety, perfectionism, or people-pleasing. She is also the author of The Way of the Peaceful Woman: Awaken the Power of You, Create a Life You Love, and Set Yourself Free (excerpted HERE) and is a regular contributor for Sanctuary.
