Navigating Relationships
Finding Time for Your Spouse or Partner
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By Jill Valentino
As a happily married woman, my husband is one of the most important people in my life, second only to the two daughters we share. However, fairly often, one or both of us finds ourselves “missing” the other despite living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, and speaking to one another daily. Yet, on occasion, and primarily since becoming parents 16 years ago, we feel miles apart in every way. How can this be?
It may sound impossible to feel so lonely while surrounded by people you love, but it can and does happen to people who are happily married or in long-term relationships from time to time. During those times, no matter which partner feels more alone, it’s important to attempt to fix the issue by prioritizing the relationship – carve out time for just the two of you, even if only for one hour or one evening.
Julie Morgenstern, a time management expert and author of Time to Parent, shares advice in her book and on her website that all long-term couples with children need to understand:
- “Taking care of yourself is essential to your ability to care for your child.”
- “Deep connections to your significant other… are nourishing and satisfying in a different way than the love and affinity you feel for your children.”
- “For the health of your relationship – and your well-being – it’s essential to make time for each other, with no kids involved.”
- “[Time with your spouse is] sacred – separate and apart from your lives and identities as parents.”
For some couples, it isn’t parental responsibilities that get in the way of alone time – career demands or caregiving for elderly parents can be reasons that quality time together has fallen by the wayside. But couples in long-term relationships can and do find the time. Here are some ways to refocus and prioritize your relationship again.
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Finding Balance, Facing Reality, and the Power of Fun
Harold J. Markman, Ph.D., author of Fighting for Your Marriage says, “The amount of fun partners have together is a key factor in predicting their overall marital happiness.” Markman further explains that lasting couples often have lots of fun together in the early stages of a relationship. Then, as time passes and their lives become increasingly more intertwined, the degree of fun plummets. |
“The amount of fun partners have together is a key factor in predicting their overall marital happiness.” ~ Harlold J. Markman, Ph.D. |
My husband and I have experienced this. Twenty-five years and two kids later, expecting the same level of fun and adventure we had in our early twenties would be ludicrous. However, putting kids, jobs, and adult responsibilities aside to have fun and enjoy life with your spouse is, as Julie Morgenstern says, paramount to a healthy partnership. The key is to find a healthy balance between focusing on children/career/elderly parents and your relationship with each other.
Every long-term couple must find a workable balance between time spent together and time spent on other people and responsibilities. What the actual proportions end up being, though, can differ from couple to couple.
Every long-term couple must find a workable balance between time spent together and time spent on other people and responsibilities. What the actual proportions end up being, though, can differ from couple to couple.
Prioritizing Your Partner: Starting Points
Communicate: This is essential. If you don’t communicate your needs and wants to your spouse, how can your spouse meet them? When it’s been a while since my husband and I have spent any quality time together, one of us will eventually say, “You want to spend time together later?” (Later in our house usually means after our kids have gone to bed). If one of us can’t because we’re too busy, it is up to the “too busy” person to suggest an alternate date or time. This has been an unwritten rule between us for years now. Carving out time with your spouse is not like booking a haircut. BOTH parties must verbally demonstrate that they want to make something happen.
Grab a Moment: Grabbing small, simple-yet-meaningful ‘couple’ moments during chaotic times can make a world of difference. In my house, the month of May is always hectic. Between spring concerts, rehearsals for June play performances, Memorial Day barbecues, opening our pool for the summer, etc., my husband and I find it particularly difficult to schedule an entire evening out (or in) for just the two of us. Instead, we focus on what I like to call “grabbing a moment.” For example, we might sneak away to watch a 20-minute YouTube video one of us thought the other would enjoy or take a ten or twenty-minute walk in the woods next to our house. Simple moments like these can often be as meaningful as a fancy, expensive night out.
Don’t Hesitate to Tell Others You Need Alone Time: Don't hide your need for time as a couple – from your kids, your elderly parents, or others who rely on you. For example, if my husband and I plan to go out together on a Saturday night, our eight-year-old would get a little upset at first and wonder why she and her sister weren't included. However, after reinforcing that every relationship in our home is highly valued, she now understands why we schedule time for just the two of us. Another benefit is that we are demonstrating what a healthy relationship looks like. Communication is key in all situations and relationships, but the one with your spouse or partner is the glue that holds it all together. So, make the time.
Happy spouse, happy house, indeed!
Communicate: This is essential. If you don’t communicate your needs and wants to your spouse, how can your spouse meet them? When it’s been a while since my husband and I have spent any quality time together, one of us will eventually say, “You want to spend time together later?” (Later in our house usually means after our kids have gone to bed). If one of us can’t because we’re too busy, it is up to the “too busy” person to suggest an alternate date or time. This has been an unwritten rule between us for years now. Carving out time with your spouse is not like booking a haircut. BOTH parties must verbally demonstrate that they want to make something happen.
Grab a Moment: Grabbing small, simple-yet-meaningful ‘couple’ moments during chaotic times can make a world of difference. In my house, the month of May is always hectic. Between spring concerts, rehearsals for June play performances, Memorial Day barbecues, opening our pool for the summer, etc., my husband and I find it particularly difficult to schedule an entire evening out (or in) for just the two of us. Instead, we focus on what I like to call “grabbing a moment.” For example, we might sneak away to watch a 20-minute YouTube video one of us thought the other would enjoy or take a ten or twenty-minute walk in the woods next to our house. Simple moments like these can often be as meaningful as a fancy, expensive night out.
Don’t Hesitate to Tell Others You Need Alone Time: Don't hide your need for time as a couple – from your kids, your elderly parents, or others who rely on you. For example, if my husband and I plan to go out together on a Saturday night, our eight-year-old would get a little upset at first and wonder why she and her sister weren't included. However, after reinforcing that every relationship in our home is highly valued, she now understands why we schedule time for just the two of us. Another benefit is that we are demonstrating what a healthy relationship looks like. Communication is key in all situations and relationships, but the one with your spouse or partner is the glue that holds it all together. So, make the time.
Happy spouse, happy house, indeed!
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Jill Valentino is an educator, freelance writer, essayist, tutor, and educational video and teaching materials creator. Her work has been published in Good Housekeeping, Redbook, Country Living, Elle Decor, House Beautiful, Woman's Day, and Hudson Valley Parent magazine. She is a regular contributor for Sanctuary.
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