Ask an Expert
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JUNE 2022 TOPIC: Painfully Shy? How to Show Up with Confidence
Samantha Gambino, Psy.D.
Clinical School Psychologist & Owner of Psychology Ventures |
OUR EXPERT:
Samantha Gambino, Psy.D., is a school clinical psychologist who specializes in stress management, overcoming burnout, the mind-body connection, and promoting overall wellness. Samantha runs a consulting business in New York City where she works with businesses and brands to integrate mental health programming into their wellness platforms. She is also the owner of Psychology Ventures, an online store that sells therapeutic products aimed at reducing stress and building self-confidence. Samantha has been featured in the media as a mental health expert for Parade magazine, Well + Good, Fastcompany, Purewow, Eat This Not That, Fast Company, Very Well Mind, Happify, and Apartment Therapy. |
“I belong to my local chamber of commerce which hosts large business events. I’m new, so I don’t know many other members. It’s really difficult to walk into an event full of strangers and have to sell yourself/your business. Any tips for approaching people in this situation?” ~ Kelly (GA)
Dear Kelly,
First, walking into a new situation, especially where you feel like you have to sell yourself, is anxiety-producing and intimidating. Take it one step at a time. Attend a meeting as an observer and try to get a feel for the community. When there is less pressure to perform (i.e., sell yourself), most people are more relaxed and can be themselves. You may even find that you want to approach people. Unless it comes up entirely naturally, try not to worry about mentioning your business endeavors.
At the following meeting, go with the intention of speaking to one to three people. And try to reframe the idea of “selling yourself/your business.” Instead, be yourself, and people will want to learn more about you. And it will be more comfortable to talk business once you feel a personal connection with others.
My last piece of advice (as a business owner also!) is to let things happen naturally and manage the anxiety around not growing your business ASAP. Your business will grow once you have the connections and people get to know you, your competencies, and your value. People will want to do business with you once there is a connected relationship.
“I’m considering going to my 20th high school reunion, but I’m hesitant. I only have one friend going. I’m worried about striking up conversations with classmates I might not recognize or even with those I do but haven’t talked with in a while. Any suggestions?” ~ Angie (NJ)
Hi Angie,
First, let me start by saying, everyone is nervous at high school reunions! So as a first step, just know that you will not be the only person having these feelings!
Next, see if you can find out who is going (perhaps there is a Facebook group or an alumni network that would have this information) and if there is anyone with whom you would want to re-connect with. This can give you a structure for the evening to connect with certain people. If there is no way to know who is going, try to think of whom you would want to reconnect with that evening. Looking through your high school yearbook can also be an excellent way to remind you of relationships you once had and help familiarize you with names and people.
And lastly, remember there is no right or wrong conversation. Think of a few general statements you can say, such as it’s so lovely to see you, it’s been so long, so much happens in 20 years, etc. You can come up with a few general questions you can ask others, so you have some pre-prepared prompts. Some general questions: How have you been? Where do you live now? How is your family? Also, think about what information you feel comfortable sharing with others. Do you want to share personal information, and if so, what feels okay? Or would you prefer to share mostly professional information from the last 20 years? Feeling prepared with general statements and questions can ease anxiety in these situations.
“I want to ask this guy out that I met at the drug store of all places! He’s the pharmacist, and I heard he’s divorced. I’m a widow. He seems to be interested in chatting with me when I go in, but I’m usually tongue-tied. I’d like to ask him for coffee, but I’m terrified.” ~ Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
This all sounds very exciting! But obviously, it is also anxiety-producing, scary, and can feel hard to navigate. The best thing in these situations is to be honest and transparent. Let the pharmacist know you would love to learn more about him and want to see if he would be open to joining you for a coffee. Keep it simple and matter of fact, and you will have your answer. Asking people for coffee will become easier the more you do it and the more practice you have.
Dear Kelly,
First, walking into a new situation, especially where you feel like you have to sell yourself, is anxiety-producing and intimidating. Take it one step at a time. Attend a meeting as an observer and try to get a feel for the community. When there is less pressure to perform (i.e., sell yourself), most people are more relaxed and can be themselves. You may even find that you want to approach people. Unless it comes up entirely naturally, try not to worry about mentioning your business endeavors.
At the following meeting, go with the intention of speaking to one to three people. And try to reframe the idea of “selling yourself/your business.” Instead, be yourself, and people will want to learn more about you. And it will be more comfortable to talk business once you feel a personal connection with others.
My last piece of advice (as a business owner also!) is to let things happen naturally and manage the anxiety around not growing your business ASAP. Your business will grow once you have the connections and people get to know you, your competencies, and your value. People will want to do business with you once there is a connected relationship.
“I’m considering going to my 20th high school reunion, but I’m hesitant. I only have one friend going. I’m worried about striking up conversations with classmates I might not recognize or even with those I do but haven’t talked with in a while. Any suggestions?” ~ Angie (NJ)
Hi Angie,
First, let me start by saying, everyone is nervous at high school reunions! So as a first step, just know that you will not be the only person having these feelings!
Next, see if you can find out who is going (perhaps there is a Facebook group or an alumni network that would have this information) and if there is anyone with whom you would want to re-connect with. This can give you a structure for the evening to connect with certain people. If there is no way to know who is going, try to think of whom you would want to reconnect with that evening. Looking through your high school yearbook can also be an excellent way to remind you of relationships you once had and help familiarize you with names and people.
And lastly, remember there is no right or wrong conversation. Think of a few general statements you can say, such as it’s so lovely to see you, it’s been so long, so much happens in 20 years, etc. You can come up with a few general questions you can ask others, so you have some pre-prepared prompts. Some general questions: How have you been? Where do you live now? How is your family? Also, think about what information you feel comfortable sharing with others. Do you want to share personal information, and if so, what feels okay? Or would you prefer to share mostly professional information from the last 20 years? Feeling prepared with general statements and questions can ease anxiety in these situations.
“I want to ask this guy out that I met at the drug store of all places! He’s the pharmacist, and I heard he’s divorced. I’m a widow. He seems to be interested in chatting with me when I go in, but I’m usually tongue-tied. I’d like to ask him for coffee, but I’m terrified.” ~ Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
This all sounds very exciting! But obviously, it is also anxiety-producing, scary, and can feel hard to navigate. The best thing in these situations is to be honest and transparent. Let the pharmacist know you would love to learn more about him and want to see if he would be open to joining you for a coffee. Keep it simple and matter of fact, and you will have your answer. Asking people for coffee will become easier the more you do it and the more practice you have.
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