Ask an Expert
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JUNE 2024 TOPIC: Replenish the Passion in Your Relationship
Dr. Carla Marie Manly
Clinical Psychologist and Relationships Expert |
OUR EXPERT:
Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and relationship expert, makes her home in Sonoma County, California. In addition to her clinical practice, she is deeply invested in her roles as an author, consultant, advocate and speaker. With a holistic, body-mind-spirit approach, Carla specializes in improving professional and personal relationships through mindfulness and communication skills. With a focus on self-development as the foundation for optimal wellness, she builds relationships by fostering individual awareness. Blending traditional psychotherapy with alternative mindfulness practices, Carla knows the importance of creating healthy balance, awareness and positivity. Her motto is this: “A well-lived life is a journey of consciously crafting the best version of oneself. Wellness and joy do not occur by chance; they are fostered by manifesting one’s true light with courage and strength. Overall well-being occurs by creating a respectful, aware relationship with oneself and others.” Carla’s latest book, The Joy of Imperfect Love, and popular podcast Imperfect Love teach us how to transform love’s struggles and flaws into uplifting growth. Carla contributes her expertise to top-notch media outlets including The Wall Street Journal, Newsweek, The Los Angeles Times, Oprah, Reader’s Digest, Psychology Today, NBC, Parade, GQ, Women’s Health, and more. |
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"In new relationships, partners are often drawn to each other due to shared interests. If partners don’t intentionally work to continually foster mutual interests, it’s quite easy to grow apart over time." ~Dr. Carla Marie Manly |
"When you've been married for over 40 years, it's hard to even think about passion. Where do you start?" ~ Anonymous (PA)
Dear Anonymous,
Passion tends to be at its highest level in a romantic relationship during the first few months. By the end of the first year, passion tends to decline as partners become more familiar with each other and the intensity of the sexual attraction flattens out a bit. Given the natural rigors of life, passion also tends to subside when partners become immersed in energy-consuming tasks that range from raising children and handling household duties to creating financial success.
Many partners ‘wake up’ one day — often a few years or even decades into their marriage — to the realization that the passion in their relationship has faded. This type of realization is actually the first step toward creating more passion and connection as we cannot fix that which we cannot face. Once you’ve acknowledged that the passion isn’t present, it’s important to mindfully notice what type of passion you are seeking. For some, there is a strong desire for sexual passion. Others crave a passionate emotional or spiritual connection. And there are some who want a passionate experiential connection that can be found in sharing activities.
In the process of reflecting on your desire for passion, notice whether you’re seeking passion in one or all of these areas — or in another area altogether. After engaging in some self-reflection (which can also include journaling about your needs and desires), talk with your partner about your hopes for the relationship. Although it might feel uncomfortable at first, simply use ‘I’ messages to convey your yearnings. For example, you might say, ‘I realized that I feel sad that we’re not sexually passionate with each other any longer. I’d really love the joy and connection of feeling deeply passionate with you again. I’m not sure where to start, and I’d love to hear your thoughts about this.’
By sharing your thoughts and hopes with honesty and vulnerability, you can begin the journey to enjoying true passion with your partner — no matter how long you’ve been together. And, if you hit a roadblock or two, psychotherapy can help support a wonderful transformation in your relationship.
"The problem with “date night” is that you can't get your mind off the kids and responsibilities on a schedule. How do you get in the right headspace? That's the real question." ~ Marie (NC)
Dear Marie,
Like other realms of adult life, our romantic relationships also need regular care and feeding. Research shows that regular time together helps support a healthy romantic partnership. Through this lens, it’s easier to appreciate that prioritizing time together — such as a weekly date night — is actually a form of insurance for your relationship.
Many couples — particularly those with young children — find that making ‘date nights’ a practice can be tricky. Initially, creating a date night routine can feel challenging when your schedule is already busy. Yet, once date night becomes a part of your natural routine — whether it’s once a week or once a month — you’ll be able to enjoy the time with your partner more fully.
If you have difficulty being fully present with your partner during your time together, envision replacing your ‘parent and provider’ hat with a ‘romantic partner’ hat. By changing ‘hats’ as you prepare for your time together, you will cultivate a romantic mindset that will allow you to fully connect with yourself and your partner on date nights. As a bonus, when you prioritize your relationship — including carving out romantic solo time with your partner — you’re modeling loving, connective behavior that your children will notice and appreciate. And remember, date nights don’t have to be fancy or complicated. Whether you create time for a romantic picnic in the park or a quiet visit to your favorite cafe, the most important element is sharing focused, loving time with your sweetheart.
"How do you have fun when your interests have gone in total opposite directions?" ~ Cindy F. (NY)
Dear Cindy,
In new relationships, partners are often drawn to each other due to shared interests. If partners don’t intentionally work to continually foster mutual interests, it’s quite easy to grow apart over time. And while it’s normal and healthy for partners to have different interests, it’s also important to enjoy sharing time together to maintain a connective sense of fun and lightness.
As you and your partner no longer have any intersecting interests, the following steps will help you create more fun and connection with your partner. First, brainstorm about various activities that you would enjoy doing with your partner. For example, you might want to rekindle an activity that you formerly enjoyed together, and you might also want to explore a few new activities that spark your interest. Second, take a look at your partner’s current pursuits and imagine how it would feel to join in an activity or two — those that seem most intriguing or fun. (And even if none of them seem particularly appealing, giving one a try might make your partner delighted and you, too, might be pleasantly surprised.) Third, talk with your partner about your desire to reconnect and bring more fun into your partnership. Share the ideas you’ve come up with and invite your partner to share their thoughts. Fourth, mindfully adopt a flexible, win-win approach as you both work toward bringing fun, connective activities back into your relationship. In truth, the element of fun is a key factor in maintaining a healthy, love-filled romantic partnership.
