Ask an Expert
MARCH TOPIC: Navigating Difficult Business Relationships
Nicki Nance, Ph.D.
Professor of Psychology and Human Services at Beacon College (Leesburg, FL) |
OUR EXPERT:
Nicki Nance, Ph.D., is an associate professor of psychology and human services at Beacon College in Leesburg, FL. She has more than 20 years of experience teaching human services, psychology, and graduate counseling. Nicki has provided mental health, substance abuse, and employee assistance services for more than 40 years in hospitals, agencies, correctional facilities, and private practice, and she has made presentations at conferences for the American Counseling Association, the National Association of Alcohol and Drug Abuse Counselors and the Employee Assistance Professional Association. Formerly, Nicki served as a consultant to displaced workers and veterans and as a seminar facilitator at Florida’s One Stop Workforce, a state-government operated job displacement service. |
“I was working for a man who was very self-serving and would threaten you if you questioned him. His favorite line was, ‘Is there President after your name?’ If I questioned him or did things according to how I thought to manage a situation, he would hide valuable information from me about things in the company that I needed to know in order to do my job. Any tips for how to handle a situation like this?” ~ Lisa (CT)
Lisa,
It’s never easy being supervised by an ego. Keep in mind that for important interactions, you will often have to attend to the ego before you attend to the business at hand. Egos can be fragile, hungry and aggressive.
Chances are, he takes being questioned as being criticized, so he makes a power play to disarm you. Starting discussions by asking for confirmation, clarification, direction or education on how to proceed puts him in the top dog position and decreases the threat. You also need a healthy response to the provocative question 'Is there President after your name?' Try, 'Thankfully, no,' then move on to the next order of business. A good read on this topic is Nasty People: How to Stop Being Hurt by Them Without Becoming One of Them, by Jay Carter. Also, search “Narcissistic Boss” on the internet.
“I had a situation with a customer who could never be satisfied no matter how hard I tried to please her. Is there a point when you need to say ‘enough is enough’ and cut your losses?” ~ Jean (NY)
Jean,
Sadly, the difficult customers can take the most of our time and energy at the expense of good customers. There is a point of diminishing returns – when the hours you invest in this type of customer cost more than your profit from their business. End the relationship by saying, 'Unfortunately, there is nothing more we can do for you on this matter. I’m thinking your needs might be more in line with what is offered at XYZ Company.'
“Sometimes you’re dealing with someone who is up sometimes and really down at other times. You are not sure what to think. Then they crash, and you’ve see all the signs clearly. How do you approach them on the down side?”
“Also…how do you work around a boss who has a clique of colleagues as her go to? You’re trying to do the best you can, but you feel like you can’t compete with her ‘friends.’” ~ Gail (VT) submitted both questions.
Gail,
That depends entirely on your relationship with the person who has crashed. If you are a friendly coworker, a brief, supporting acknowledgement is enough. Try, 'You look like you are struggling here. Is there anything I can do to help?' If you are close to the person, you can go further. It goes a long way to say, 'I've noticed you have been up and down for a while, and I feel bad for not talking to you about it sooner. Is there something I could have done to help you not get to this point?' If the person opens up, even a little, just listen.
To your second question:
Instead of thinking in terms of breaking in and competing, think about joining and collaborating. If you look at the workplace as a system, you might be able to gradually change the group dynamic. Make a list of clique members. Put it in order of 'most approachable' to 'least approachable.' In private moments, start to slowly build a bridge between yourself and the most approachable member. (Make note of their interests and hobbies for the sake of conversation. Compliment them. Be pleasant.) Human systems are like hanging mobiles. If you move any one thing, the rest make a shift. The biggest shift, though, might be that you see yourself as a vital part of the system, not as an outsider.
"I was appointed to a one-year term on a board of directors by the female chair of the board. At the end of that year, despite my attendance, input and support of the organization, I was not asked to come back and fill a longer term. I was very angry because I realized I was being pushed out by the organization’s president who didn’t like strong women.” ~ Karen (PA)
Karen,
You may feel very angry, but you are probably also disappointed. Even though you accepted a one year term, you were hoping for more. There is a lot of territory between not being reappointed and being pushed out. If it was truly because the president didn’t like strong women (even though there is a female chair), they probably did you a favor. You are now free to give your strength to a more worthy organization. Board work has a lot of layers. People are invited for their skills, their contacts or their financial resources. Maybe someone else was being pulled in more than you were pushed out. I hope you use this opportunity to evaluate the work you did with the board and what went right in your relationships with the other board members.
“My boss decided to mentor someone who was actually reporting to me. It became awkward because my boss was giving her assignments and help that I was unaware of. In effect, I could not do my job efficiently because I was not going to say anything to my boss about being a ‘boss’ to someone who was supposed to be reporting to me.” ~ Anonymous (CT)
This mentoring arrangement is more awkward than unmanageable. Your words tell the story. Your performance was diminished because you were not going to say anything to your boss. It’s important to separate your inner dialogue from the productive conversation you could have with your boss. Addressing this from a 'who’s the boss?' standpoint is confrontational. Approach your boss from a standpoint of wanting clarification so you can all work most efficiently. For this to work, you have to put aside any resentment that is feeding your silence on the matter.
Lisa,
It’s never easy being supervised by an ego. Keep in mind that for important interactions, you will often have to attend to the ego before you attend to the business at hand. Egos can be fragile, hungry and aggressive.
Chances are, he takes being questioned as being criticized, so he makes a power play to disarm you. Starting discussions by asking for confirmation, clarification, direction or education on how to proceed puts him in the top dog position and decreases the threat. You also need a healthy response to the provocative question 'Is there President after your name?' Try, 'Thankfully, no,' then move on to the next order of business. A good read on this topic is Nasty People: How to Stop Being Hurt by Them Without Becoming One of Them, by Jay Carter. Also, search “Narcissistic Boss” on the internet.
“I had a situation with a customer who could never be satisfied no matter how hard I tried to please her. Is there a point when you need to say ‘enough is enough’ and cut your losses?” ~ Jean (NY)
Jean,
Sadly, the difficult customers can take the most of our time and energy at the expense of good customers. There is a point of diminishing returns – when the hours you invest in this type of customer cost more than your profit from their business. End the relationship by saying, 'Unfortunately, there is nothing more we can do for you on this matter. I’m thinking your needs might be more in line with what is offered at XYZ Company.'
“Sometimes you’re dealing with someone who is up sometimes and really down at other times. You are not sure what to think. Then they crash, and you’ve see all the signs clearly. How do you approach them on the down side?”
“Also…how do you work around a boss who has a clique of colleagues as her go to? You’re trying to do the best you can, but you feel like you can’t compete with her ‘friends.’” ~ Gail (VT) submitted both questions.
Gail,
That depends entirely on your relationship with the person who has crashed. If you are a friendly coworker, a brief, supporting acknowledgement is enough. Try, 'You look like you are struggling here. Is there anything I can do to help?' If you are close to the person, you can go further. It goes a long way to say, 'I've noticed you have been up and down for a while, and I feel bad for not talking to you about it sooner. Is there something I could have done to help you not get to this point?' If the person opens up, even a little, just listen.
To your second question:
Instead of thinking in terms of breaking in and competing, think about joining and collaborating. If you look at the workplace as a system, you might be able to gradually change the group dynamic. Make a list of clique members. Put it in order of 'most approachable' to 'least approachable.' In private moments, start to slowly build a bridge between yourself and the most approachable member. (Make note of their interests and hobbies for the sake of conversation. Compliment them. Be pleasant.) Human systems are like hanging mobiles. If you move any one thing, the rest make a shift. The biggest shift, though, might be that you see yourself as a vital part of the system, not as an outsider.
"I was appointed to a one-year term on a board of directors by the female chair of the board. At the end of that year, despite my attendance, input and support of the organization, I was not asked to come back and fill a longer term. I was very angry because I realized I was being pushed out by the organization’s president who didn’t like strong women.” ~ Karen (PA)
Karen,
You may feel very angry, but you are probably also disappointed. Even though you accepted a one year term, you were hoping for more. There is a lot of territory between not being reappointed and being pushed out. If it was truly because the president didn’t like strong women (even though there is a female chair), they probably did you a favor. You are now free to give your strength to a more worthy organization. Board work has a lot of layers. People are invited for their skills, their contacts or their financial resources. Maybe someone else was being pulled in more than you were pushed out. I hope you use this opportunity to evaluate the work you did with the board and what went right in your relationships with the other board members.
“My boss decided to mentor someone who was actually reporting to me. It became awkward because my boss was giving her assignments and help that I was unaware of. In effect, I could not do my job efficiently because I was not going to say anything to my boss about being a ‘boss’ to someone who was supposed to be reporting to me.” ~ Anonymous (CT)
This mentoring arrangement is more awkward than unmanageable. Your words tell the story. Your performance was diminished because you were not going to say anything to your boss. It’s important to separate your inner dialogue from the productive conversation you could have with your boss. Addressing this from a 'who’s the boss?' standpoint is confrontational. Approach your boss from a standpoint of wanting clarification so you can all work most efficiently. For this to work, you have to put aside any resentment that is feeding your silence on the matter.