Ask an Expert
MARCH TOPIC: Dealing with Difficult People
Amy Beth Acker, LCSW
Psychotherapist & Author |
OUR EXPERT:
Amy Beth Acker, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in private practice in Somerville, NJ. She specializes in working with professional women who are struggling with anxiety, perfectionism, or people-pleasing. Her first book, The Way of the Peaceful Woman: Awaken the Power of You, Create a Life You Love, and Set Yourself Free was released in May 2019 and is excerpted in Sanctuary. Amy received a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology and English from Rutgers University, an M.S.W. from New York University (NYU), and holds certificates in trauma and mindfulness. She lives in New Jersey with her husband and two daughters. |
“A close friend of mine calls several times a day. She is going through a tough time in her marriage, and I want to be there for her, but it’s getting to be too much. How do I tell her that her constant calls are getting on my nerves without making her feel like I don’t care about her? ~ Alyssa (FL)
Alyssa,
It seems like you're operating on the assumption that if you don't talk to your friend whenever she wants to talk to you, she will think you don't care about her. You're also making the assumption that the only way to set a boundary is to tell her that she's getting on your nerves. I would invite you to consider that there are many ways to be a great friend to her while she's going through a tough time and still maintain whatever boundaries feel right for you. It's not your job to meet all of your friend's emotional needs, but it is your job to meet your own.
For example, you could say something like, ‘Denise, I know you've been dealing with such a difficult period with Rob, and I really want to be there for you as your friend. However, I'm not always available to talk when you call, especially if you call a few times during the day, so I'm not going to be able to pick up unless I know I can fully devote my energy and attention to you. It does sometimes seem like we keep talking about the same issues that keep coming up with Rob, and I feel unsure about how to help you. Are you looking for advice or just for someone to listen? I'm concerned about you and want to make sure you get the support you need while you're going through this difficult time; so I think it might make sense for you to find a great therapist who can help you get through this. I'd be happy to help you search for someone."
Ultimately, the most loving thing you can do as her friend and for yourself is to determine what you do feel comfortable with in terms of her frequent phone calls and the type of support you feel comfortable giving. Then, with compassion, let her know what your boundaries are. Let go of trying to control how she interprets your boundaries. It's impossible to control how another person interprets a situation. Instead, approach a difficult situation with openness and compassion, but let go of a need to be in charge of others' thoughts and feelings.
“How do you handle conflict with someone whose mental health issues make others uncomfortable in person and on social media during business interactions?” ~ Melanie (NY)
Melanie,
From your question, it's a little unclear whether you're directly having a conflict with this person or whether this person is having conflicts with others, which is making them and you uncomfortable.
If this is a colleague, and their poor judgment is directly impacting you or creating conflict, it's generally best to attempt to approach them in a professional way - by expressing your concerns in a factual, non-confrontational manner about what you're observing or experiencing. You can let them know how this affects you and/or others and let them know what behavior you would like to see instead. If that isn't effective, you can discuss the situation with a superior or the human resources department (if there is one). Be sure to present a factual account of what is taking place and what your concerns are. Written documentation with times, dates, and direct quotes are always helpful.
If this person’s behavior is not directly affecting you, but you’ve noticed he/she is making others uncomfortable, you'll need to make a decision about whether or not to say something. Are you close with them? Do you have a rapport that would help them be open to hearing your feedback? Ask yourself: is my feedback kind, specific and helpful? It would also be constructive to evaluate what your ultimate goal for this conversation is - this will help guide your approach.
“What do you do if you have a male boss who is making you uncomfortable? He hasn’t said anything too egregious yet, but he did ask me if this guy he saw me meeting for lunch was my ‘boyfriend.’ I also found it odd that he singled me out and introduced me to his kids when he brought them into the office. I’m starting to get uncomfortable. He is much older than me, and I’m not sure how to handle this without ruining the work relationship. Am I reading too much into things…or should I just go with my gut and try to say something?” ~ Anonymous (NY)
Anonymous,
From your letter, it sounds like your gut is telling you something is 'off' about the situation, but you're not sure how to proceed because nothing ‘too egregious’ has happened yet. It might be helpful to begin documenting details of any interaction that feels awkward/uncomfortable to you – include dates, times, exact quotes of what was said, and the context of any uncomfortable interactions.
You can also start exploring specifics about the interaction and what made you uncomfortable. You mention that he is an older male. Would you have the same feelings if your boss was a younger male? An older woman? A younger woman? There are no wrong answers, but exploring might help to give you more clarity and context into the situation, which will give you more power.
If your boss asks you personal questions, like whether someone is your boyfriend, feel free to tell him in an unapologetic but professional way that you don't like to discuss your personal life at work.
Be open to the idea that it's possible to set professional boundaries with him as needed without ruining the work relationship. If that were true, what would you say to him if he continued to say or do things that you felt were ‘off ’? What would your demeanor and energy be when you approached him? This will help you feel empowered to move forward with integrity and to keep the work environment feeling safe and comfortable.
If his behavior and/or comments continue to escalate, you can speak with him a second time and tell him more specifically what you want to stop, or you can report the matter to H.R., if your company has one.
“My neighbor’s dog is constantly in our yard to do his ‘business.’ He also got into our garbage a few weeks ago. I’m a dog lover, but it’s getting ridiculous. I’m friendly with this neighbor, so I don’t want to ruin our relationship, but I’ve already asked why her dog is getting loose so much, and she blamed it on her kids not being careful…but nothing has changed.” ~ Anna (VT)
Anna,
It is possible that you need to be more direct with your neighbor. You say that you asked her why her dog is getting loose so much, but it’s not clear that you directly told her how this is impacting you and what you want to change.
You might want to try having another conversation with her – be polite and kind, but more direct and firm. For example, "Jessica, I love dogs, and I love Sparky, but I noticed he was in my yard five times this week. He pooped on my lawn two times and got into my garbage once. I'm worried about Sparky because he could get hurt or lost; but I'm also getting frustrated because I don't want to have to clean up the mess in my yard when he does get loose."
If she then responds that her dog is getting out because her kids aren't being careful, without offering a solution, you could say something like, ‘I'm sure that's really frustrating for you because your kids aren't being careful. I do think it would be fair that if they aren't careful, and Sparky poops in my yard or gets into my garbage and makes a mess, that you ask your kids to clean it up. I'm sure you understand I don't want to have to clean up poop or garbage in my yard, especially since it seems to be happening on a fairly regular basis. Does that make sense?’
You can start there and see how your neighbor responds. Although you may feel she and/or her kids are being disrespectful, it's important to focus on how you can respect yourself by being clear and direct with what you want from her in a way that she can hear it.
Alyssa,
It seems like you're operating on the assumption that if you don't talk to your friend whenever she wants to talk to you, she will think you don't care about her. You're also making the assumption that the only way to set a boundary is to tell her that she's getting on your nerves. I would invite you to consider that there are many ways to be a great friend to her while she's going through a tough time and still maintain whatever boundaries feel right for you. It's not your job to meet all of your friend's emotional needs, but it is your job to meet your own.
For example, you could say something like, ‘Denise, I know you've been dealing with such a difficult period with Rob, and I really want to be there for you as your friend. However, I'm not always available to talk when you call, especially if you call a few times during the day, so I'm not going to be able to pick up unless I know I can fully devote my energy and attention to you. It does sometimes seem like we keep talking about the same issues that keep coming up with Rob, and I feel unsure about how to help you. Are you looking for advice or just for someone to listen? I'm concerned about you and want to make sure you get the support you need while you're going through this difficult time; so I think it might make sense for you to find a great therapist who can help you get through this. I'd be happy to help you search for someone."
Ultimately, the most loving thing you can do as her friend and for yourself is to determine what you do feel comfortable with in terms of her frequent phone calls and the type of support you feel comfortable giving. Then, with compassion, let her know what your boundaries are. Let go of trying to control how she interprets your boundaries. It's impossible to control how another person interprets a situation. Instead, approach a difficult situation with openness and compassion, but let go of a need to be in charge of others' thoughts and feelings.
“How do you handle conflict with someone whose mental health issues make others uncomfortable in person and on social media during business interactions?” ~ Melanie (NY)
Melanie,
From your question, it's a little unclear whether you're directly having a conflict with this person or whether this person is having conflicts with others, which is making them and you uncomfortable.
If this is a colleague, and their poor judgment is directly impacting you or creating conflict, it's generally best to attempt to approach them in a professional way - by expressing your concerns in a factual, non-confrontational manner about what you're observing or experiencing. You can let them know how this affects you and/or others and let them know what behavior you would like to see instead. If that isn't effective, you can discuss the situation with a superior or the human resources department (if there is one). Be sure to present a factual account of what is taking place and what your concerns are. Written documentation with times, dates, and direct quotes are always helpful.
If this person’s behavior is not directly affecting you, but you’ve noticed he/she is making others uncomfortable, you'll need to make a decision about whether or not to say something. Are you close with them? Do you have a rapport that would help them be open to hearing your feedback? Ask yourself: is my feedback kind, specific and helpful? It would also be constructive to evaluate what your ultimate goal for this conversation is - this will help guide your approach.
“What do you do if you have a male boss who is making you uncomfortable? He hasn’t said anything too egregious yet, but he did ask me if this guy he saw me meeting for lunch was my ‘boyfriend.’ I also found it odd that he singled me out and introduced me to his kids when he brought them into the office. I’m starting to get uncomfortable. He is much older than me, and I’m not sure how to handle this without ruining the work relationship. Am I reading too much into things…or should I just go with my gut and try to say something?” ~ Anonymous (NY)
Anonymous,
From your letter, it sounds like your gut is telling you something is 'off' about the situation, but you're not sure how to proceed because nothing ‘too egregious’ has happened yet. It might be helpful to begin documenting details of any interaction that feels awkward/uncomfortable to you – include dates, times, exact quotes of what was said, and the context of any uncomfortable interactions.
You can also start exploring specifics about the interaction and what made you uncomfortable. You mention that he is an older male. Would you have the same feelings if your boss was a younger male? An older woman? A younger woman? There are no wrong answers, but exploring might help to give you more clarity and context into the situation, which will give you more power.
If your boss asks you personal questions, like whether someone is your boyfriend, feel free to tell him in an unapologetic but professional way that you don't like to discuss your personal life at work.
Be open to the idea that it's possible to set professional boundaries with him as needed without ruining the work relationship. If that were true, what would you say to him if he continued to say or do things that you felt were ‘off ’? What would your demeanor and energy be when you approached him? This will help you feel empowered to move forward with integrity and to keep the work environment feeling safe and comfortable.
If his behavior and/or comments continue to escalate, you can speak with him a second time and tell him more specifically what you want to stop, or you can report the matter to H.R., if your company has one.
“My neighbor’s dog is constantly in our yard to do his ‘business.’ He also got into our garbage a few weeks ago. I’m a dog lover, but it’s getting ridiculous. I’m friendly with this neighbor, so I don’t want to ruin our relationship, but I’ve already asked why her dog is getting loose so much, and she blamed it on her kids not being careful…but nothing has changed.” ~ Anna (VT)
Anna,
It is possible that you need to be more direct with your neighbor. You say that you asked her why her dog is getting loose so much, but it’s not clear that you directly told her how this is impacting you and what you want to change.
You might want to try having another conversation with her – be polite and kind, but more direct and firm. For example, "Jessica, I love dogs, and I love Sparky, but I noticed he was in my yard five times this week. He pooped on my lawn two times and got into my garbage once. I'm worried about Sparky because he could get hurt or lost; but I'm also getting frustrated because I don't want to have to clean up the mess in my yard when he does get loose."
If she then responds that her dog is getting out because her kids aren't being careful, without offering a solution, you could say something like, ‘I'm sure that's really frustrating for you because your kids aren't being careful. I do think it would be fair that if they aren't careful, and Sparky poops in my yard or gets into my garbage and makes a mess, that you ask your kids to clean it up. I'm sure you understand I don't want to have to clean up poop or garbage in my yard, especially since it seems to be happening on a fairly regular basis. Does that make sense?’
You can start there and see how your neighbor responds. Although you may feel she and/or her kids are being disrespectful, it's important to focus on how you can respect yourself by being clear and direct with what you want from her in a way that she can hear it.