Ask an Expert
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MARCH 2022 TOPIC: Healing a Broken Relationship with Your Adult Sibling
Melissa Glaser, M.S., L.P.C.
Owner of Timeless Therapy |
OUR EXPERT:
Melissa Glaser M.S., L.P.C., is a licensed professional counselor with a background in clinical mental health and community behavioral health. She is clinical expert and owner of Timeless Therapy, a group therapy practice in Southbury, Connecticut. She has been deeply involved in nonprofit and community-based work, including a focus on guiding communities after trauma. Melissa is the author of Healing a Community: Lessons for Recovery after a Large-Scale Trauma. With more than 30 years experience as a psychotherapist, her straightforward approach and unique set of pragmatic best practices has resulted in successful outcomes for individuals, families and communities. Melissa leverages her extensive experience as a psychotherapist to assist individuals and families in their challenging life transitions and to facilitate healing in the wake of small and large tragedies. Melissa served as Community Outreach Liaison to the communities of Newtown and Sandy Hook, Connecticut as they worked to recover from the devastating 2012 school shooting. She established the Recovery and Resiliency Team and developed successful and sustainable treatment programs as well as active community engagement to meet diverse needs following the massive tragedy. Prior to this, she served as the Director of Behavioral Health and Related Services at Catholic Charities in Fairfield County. She also served in the following positions: Director of In-Home Services at Wellmore Behavioral Health; Clinical Director of Child and Adult Behavioral Health at the Northwest Center for Family Service; and Clinical Coordinator of School Based Health Center for the Child Guidance Clinic of Greater Waterbury, CT. |
“A long time ago, I was friends with two sisters who were very competitive with each other. I became very close friends with one of the sisters at work (she was in my wedding). Her younger sister soon began joining us for social activities. When the three of us socialized together, it was fine. However, it soon became apparent that I was not allowed to do anything with just one of them. I was constantly put in situations that unfairly placed me in the middle. The last straw was when the younger sister stopped to see my newborn son first. Her sister got very mad at me. She said that she was my friend first. I had enough at this point and ended the relationship with both sisters. This situation seemed very unhealthy and was causing me stress. Do you have any advice for how an outsider should deal with adult siblings who allow their drama to seep into common friendships?” ~ Anonymous (NY)
Hello Anonymous,
It sounds like you dealt with the situation well. However, you waited far too long to set limits and, unfortunately, got pulled into their drama causing you unnecessary stress.
It is sad that you had to experience the immaturity and selfishness of these two sisters when they should have been sharing in a joyful occasion with you. It’s important that you realize that this confrontation was eventually going to occur because you were allowing them to play out this drama without setting limits. You allowed their unresolved issues to play a role in your friendship(s). It seems like they were both so shortsighted in their need to 'win' your friendship or be the better friend that they disregarded the impact it had on you.
In the future, it is good to be aware that friendships should feel equal in terms of effort and sharing. As soon as friendships become competitive or it feels like there is some sort of power struggle going on, the friendship has lost a healthy balance, and it is time to move on. Not all friendships have the capacity to endure over a long period of time. In any case, it’s important to focus on your family and put your energy into healthy relationships in your life.
“I’ve always gotten along with my sisters. However, due to the passing of our mother (my dad died years ago), it was time to put the house on the market and decide who would get personal items (she did not list details about her personal things before her death). I never could imagine that this process would cause a rift, but things escalated over a few pieces of jewelry. Now we’re not speaking. My friends tell me this happens a lot. How could we have approached this without specific instructions?” ~ Carrie (PA)
Hello Carrie,
As your friends have told you, this is a typical reaction and outcome in families when someone passes and there is no clarity about the allocation of personal belongings. Family members often lose sight of the bigger picture and dig their heels in believing that holding onto items will keep their connection to the individual who has passed on. It is instinctual to become territorial about items that someone you cared for cherished. But it is so much healthier to move forward from her passing with peace rather than angst.
If your wish is to resolve the tension and preserve the relationships, the best stance to take is to come from a mindset that the “stuff” is just stuff. Things don’t bring the loved one back, and despite what we want to think, things don’t even enhance the memories and shared experiences you had with that individual. It can be very freeing to be the one who takes the high road and says, ‘If it is that important to you, take the jewelry. My memories and shared time while Mom was alive is all I need. It isn’t worth having our relationship damaged forever.’ That’s being able to see the bigger picture, instead of getting rooted in the small picture.
Smile to yourself when you think of the pleasure your mom got when she wore the jewelry, which is what mattered when she was alive. It may not be too late to go back and express this to your sisters. And it may likely be what your mother would have been proud of you for. No matter what the outcome is, I am sure you will sleep better knowing you did your best to end the rift.
“I practically raised my younger brother. I now have grown children of my own, and he still gets mad when he feels like I’m patronizing him. He’ll say, ‘Get over yourself. You’re not my mother!’ I don’t feel like I’m putting him down, and I’ve learned not to give unsolicited advice. However, when he asks me something, I feel I need to be honest. What’s a good way to get over the baby brother/big sister dynamic in adulthood?” ~ Sophie (SC)
Hello Sophie,
Just like an actual parent, I imagine it is difficult for you to step away from your role as a ‘parent’ and let your brother be a healthy, productive adult who can make his own decisions and build his life in a way that’s best for him, even if it is different from what you would have chosen.
You can have a vital, rewarding relationship with your brother if you can transition your mindset to seeing him as an equal now that you provided guidance and support that has allowed him to become who he is. How great it is that he now has his own life and is doing well. Take pleasure in knowing that you helped him to grow and can connect with him as an equal. Spend more time laughing with him and sharing adult experiences, instead of giving advice or trying to add your two cents.
My belief is that when you are in a situation to be a support or mentor to someone, your job is more about letting that person stand out front and navigate their life while you observe from behind and create a safety net if needed. Your job isn't to control or dictate the moves. It’s your brother’s life to experience and make mistakes in order to continue to grow. If you are always the one offering ‘the answers’ the other person will never grow.
Look forward to the next chapter in your lives where you get to stay closely connected with all that life has to offer. Learn from each other. Feel good that your brother has the confidence to express his independence and figure things out for himself. It sounds like he just wants you to be his sister now, not his parent. Enjoy that “new” role.
Hello Anonymous,
It sounds like you dealt with the situation well. However, you waited far too long to set limits and, unfortunately, got pulled into their drama causing you unnecessary stress.
It is sad that you had to experience the immaturity and selfishness of these two sisters when they should have been sharing in a joyful occasion with you. It’s important that you realize that this confrontation was eventually going to occur because you were allowing them to play out this drama without setting limits. You allowed their unresolved issues to play a role in your friendship(s). It seems like they were both so shortsighted in their need to 'win' your friendship or be the better friend that they disregarded the impact it had on you.
In the future, it is good to be aware that friendships should feel equal in terms of effort and sharing. As soon as friendships become competitive or it feels like there is some sort of power struggle going on, the friendship has lost a healthy balance, and it is time to move on. Not all friendships have the capacity to endure over a long period of time. In any case, it’s important to focus on your family and put your energy into healthy relationships in your life.
“I’ve always gotten along with my sisters. However, due to the passing of our mother (my dad died years ago), it was time to put the house on the market and decide who would get personal items (she did not list details about her personal things before her death). I never could imagine that this process would cause a rift, but things escalated over a few pieces of jewelry. Now we’re not speaking. My friends tell me this happens a lot. How could we have approached this without specific instructions?” ~ Carrie (PA)
Hello Carrie,
As your friends have told you, this is a typical reaction and outcome in families when someone passes and there is no clarity about the allocation of personal belongings. Family members often lose sight of the bigger picture and dig their heels in believing that holding onto items will keep their connection to the individual who has passed on. It is instinctual to become territorial about items that someone you cared for cherished. But it is so much healthier to move forward from her passing with peace rather than angst.
If your wish is to resolve the tension and preserve the relationships, the best stance to take is to come from a mindset that the “stuff” is just stuff. Things don’t bring the loved one back, and despite what we want to think, things don’t even enhance the memories and shared experiences you had with that individual. It can be very freeing to be the one who takes the high road and says, ‘If it is that important to you, take the jewelry. My memories and shared time while Mom was alive is all I need. It isn’t worth having our relationship damaged forever.’ That’s being able to see the bigger picture, instead of getting rooted in the small picture.
Smile to yourself when you think of the pleasure your mom got when she wore the jewelry, which is what mattered when she was alive. It may not be too late to go back and express this to your sisters. And it may likely be what your mother would have been proud of you for. No matter what the outcome is, I am sure you will sleep better knowing you did your best to end the rift.
“I practically raised my younger brother. I now have grown children of my own, and he still gets mad when he feels like I’m patronizing him. He’ll say, ‘Get over yourself. You’re not my mother!’ I don’t feel like I’m putting him down, and I’ve learned not to give unsolicited advice. However, when he asks me something, I feel I need to be honest. What’s a good way to get over the baby brother/big sister dynamic in adulthood?” ~ Sophie (SC)
Hello Sophie,
Just like an actual parent, I imagine it is difficult for you to step away from your role as a ‘parent’ and let your brother be a healthy, productive adult who can make his own decisions and build his life in a way that’s best for him, even if it is different from what you would have chosen.
You can have a vital, rewarding relationship with your brother if you can transition your mindset to seeing him as an equal now that you provided guidance and support that has allowed him to become who he is. How great it is that he now has his own life and is doing well. Take pleasure in knowing that you helped him to grow and can connect with him as an equal. Spend more time laughing with him and sharing adult experiences, instead of giving advice or trying to add your two cents.
My belief is that when you are in a situation to be a support or mentor to someone, your job is more about letting that person stand out front and navigate their life while you observe from behind and create a safety net if needed. Your job isn't to control or dictate the moves. It’s your brother’s life to experience and make mistakes in order to continue to grow. If you are always the one offering ‘the answers’ the other person will never grow.
Look forward to the next chapter in your lives where you get to stay closely connected with all that life has to offer. Learn from each other. Feel good that your brother has the confidence to express his independence and figure things out for himself. It sounds like he just wants you to be his sister now, not his parent. Enjoy that “new” role.
Disclaimer: The advice posted here is for general information purposes only and should not be used as a substitute for seeking medical and/or psychological advice from your personal, licensed healthcare provider.
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