Ask an Expert
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MAY TOPIC: Parenting Teen Daughters
Dr. Sherry Kelly
Clinical Psychologist, Executive Coach & Motivational Speaker |
OUR EXPERT:
Sherry S. Kelly, Ph.D., is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and Clinical Neuropsychologist with more than 30 years of experience in the field of child development. She began her career as an educational researcher at the University of Minnesota Center for Youth Development and Research. She has been a clinician in private practice, a lecturer, a motivational speaker and an executive coach. Her work has been featured in segments on Good Morning America. During the 1980s, Sherry worked with several nonprofit organizations and education-focused companies. She was a National Cancer Institute Fellow and National Institute of Health (NIH) Fellow in Psycho-Oncology and Neuropsychology at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center in New York City. Sherry is also well-known for her work with children challenged by learning differences, autism, and developmental delays. Most recently, Sherry was a founding board member of Autism After 21, a Boca Raton, Florida-based nonprofit program of support, education, and skills training for young adults with special needs. |
“How does a parent get through to her daughter so she understands that social media is not the place to express her sexuality? So many teen girls today post revealing or sexually-charged photos on their pages which accumulate hundreds of likes and comments. This obsession with “likes” seems to fuel a competition among teen girls. This is not the way to get attention and can be dangerous due to all the predators out there” ~ Janis (CA)
Dear Janis,
Today, social media platforms seem to be the way teens connect with each other, express themselves, and create an identity. Unfortunately, there are fewer and fewer “real life” or “in person” outlets to fulfill these needs. Parents, however, need to set limits and guidelines for social media use by their children. Even though most social media platforms require their users to be 13 years of age or older, many younger children are using the apps. Likewise, other social media platforms (such as dating apps) have older age requirements.
Ideally, parents should set limits and review risks before they hand over a phone to their child and/or allow downloading of applications. The most popular social media apps have private settings, so teens (if not parents) should be approving anyone who follows them. However, teens also use these social media platforms as a way to keep “score” of how many “likes” and “followers” they have. This type of competition can also lead to teens feeling as though they are excluded or missing out if they don’t participate in posting. The dangers are evident. Even those posts that are supposed to remain for a few seconds (Snapchat) can be preserved via a screen shot.
A serious concern is when your teen is being followed by people they don’t actually know and, then, not knowing how your teen’s posted images are being used. Additionally, there are location settings that can identify where your teen was when the image was shared - and where they are now. Parents and their teens should review best uses for location settings and how you may be unknowingly followed on a social media map.
Parents should have an honest discussion with their teens about the dangers of posting images, especially revealing ones, as well as posting information that could compromise privacy and safety. Become familiar with your state laws for minors posting sexually explicit material and/or responding to those posts.
Do make the discussion one of exploring together the “why” your teen is posting, not just the “what” your teen is posting. Is someone encouraging her or demanding that she post photos that are sexually charged? The answer may indicate a relationship that should be addressed. Be purposeful and goal-oriented in addressing concerns with teens, rather than accusing or dictating expectations. Parents may get more information by fostering a positive platform for discussing if, in fact, your teen is seeking attention by posting sexually charged photos. Help your teen learn about the real life and long-term consequences of posting inappropriate images. Understanding why your teen is needing approval and validation, while finding appropriate ways to fill that need, is an important role for parents. Finally, try getting your daughter involved in community service projects, athletics, and other programs which foster a positive sense of self or empowerment.
Information on this important topic can be found on websites, such as Connect Safely, Common Sense Media and the American Academy of Pediatrics.
“I am concerned about my sixteen-year-old daughter’s new boyfriend. He seems ultra-controlling and doesn’t want her to spend time with her girlfriends. He probably has trust issues, and I don’t want him isolating her from her friends. I’m afraid that if I come down too hard, it will just make her want to see him more.” ~ Nicole (NY)
Dear Nicole,
Teenage relationships are particularly difficult, especially those that may reflect a possible imbalance of power and isolation. Without knowing the age of your daughter’s boyfriend or how long she has known him, it’s hard to share more specific answers with you. Do you have concerns about a possible age difference between the boyfriend and your daughter? Is the relationship impacting school performance? Have others also expressed concerns about this relationship? Have you spent time with them together?
Prepare to address the concerns you have about how she is being treated, as well as her isolation, in a supportive and loving discussion. While it may be difficult to keep your emotions in check, it’s best to be non-confrontational. Validating your teen’s feelings is a good place to start. You want your daughter to listen to your concerns, rather than react to your own behavior. Try to avoid the emotional triggers that can escalate into an argument over reactions, ultimately derailing the true concerns you want to address.
In these situations, parents may hope that their daughter can eventually come to the same conclusion they have about a boyfriend. Keep in mind, however, that a teenager’s perceptions of a romantic relationship are based on a different vantage point. There is a lot of “social currency” in having a high school relationship. Try to understand what your daughter may be gaining from having a boyfriend or being in a relationship, not only focusing on this particular boy.
Being overly critical of the boyfriend may, instead, fuel defensiveness and further her retreat from you. Try to understand why she needs or wants this relationship with her boyfriend, and why at this time? It’s important to discover what else may be going on at home, at school, and with her peer group. Explore other factors that may be pushing her into this relationship.
Please consider seeking support for this situation from a qualified counselor, therapist or psychologist who specializes in teen populations. Also, consider the impact on your long-term relationship with your daughter in how you approach this dating relationship. Boyfriends may change over the course of adolescence, but mothers want their relationship with their daughters to sustain and mature during these years.
“My daughter and I used to be very close. Now, all we do is fight…sometimes about the most ridiculous things. It’s extremely frustrating dealing with her mood swings and her constant negativity toward me. Any tips to help us get our relationship back on the right track?” ~ Heather (FL)
Dear Heather,
I am sorry to hear about the negativity you describe in your relationship with your daughter. Without knowing your daughter's age, the source of mood swings, or the history of what may have brought you both to this point, I can only share some general opinions. Your realization that you sometimes fight about “the most ridiculous things” and your feelings of frustration can actually be a good starting point to make changes. Sometimes there is not one major event that causes a breakdown in a relationship, but many small hurts and disappointments. Sometimes, what may seem as a series of small things actually represent larger issues of control. Be honest with yourself about what is triggering the negative behaviors, and how you both may be fueling this fire. Do you have an idea where the negativity is coming from? It must be difficult to try to fix a problem in a relationship when you feel it’s all up to you - like trying by yourself to peddle a bicycle built for two.
We have a choice of how we want to go forward in our relationships. Let’s start by focusing on the future and finding common goals for your mother-daughter relationship. Ask yourself if you want to move forward focusing on the negativity of the past or the positivity of your relationship. What are your strengths as individuals? How can you focus on those strengths? Ask yourself and your daughter what “better” would look like in your relationship. Oftentimes, mothers forget to ask their daughters to verbalize their needs. What we may think our daughters need may be based on our own perceptions and expectations.
Writing down these goals and journaling about your feelings, as well as your hopes, can help both of you. Mothers and daughters have expectations about each other’s roles. Sometimes it is helpful for you both to reflect on your expectations and assess if they are realistic. Prepare before the conversation to respond - not react - to what your daughter expresses to you. While this may feel uncomfortable, realize that you are modeling important nurturing for your daughter that one day she may need to model for her own children.
As a mother, you have an important role, one that means you may have to initially take the lead on this journey. One of the best kick-starters to a renewed and stronger relationship is a structured mother-daughter get-away. Structured programs at retreat centers, service trips, and purpose-driven travel for mothers and daughters are examples. Also, think about taking a class together or finding a volunteer opportunity to share. Often, working on a project greater than ourselves, such as community service projects, will promote bonding while creating meaningful memories.
Dear Janis,
Today, social media platforms seem to be the way teens connect with each other, express themselves, and create an identity. Unfortunately, there are fewer and fewer “real life” or “in person” outlets to fulfill these needs. Parents, however, need to set limits and guidelines for social media use by their children. Even though most social media platforms require their users to be 13 years of age or older, many younger children are using the apps. Likewise, other social media platforms (such as dating apps) have older age requirements.
Ideally, parents should set limits and review risks before they hand over a phone to their child and/or allow downloading of applications. The most popular social media apps have private settings, so teens (if not parents) should be approving anyone who follows them. However, teens also use these social media platforms as a way to keep “score” of how many “likes” and “followers” they have. This type of competition can also lead to teens feeling as though they are excluded or missing out if they don’t participate in posting. The dangers are evident. Even those posts that are supposed to remain for a few seconds (Snapchat) can be preserved via a screen shot.
A serious concern is when your teen is being followed by people they don’t actually know and, then, not knowing how your teen’s posted images are being used. Additionally, there are location settings that can identify where your teen was when the image was shared - and where they are now. Parents and their teens should review best uses for location settings and how you may be unknowingly followed on a social media map.
Parents should have an honest discussion with their teens about the dangers of posting images, especially revealing ones, as well as posting information that could compromise privacy and safety. Become familiar with your state laws for minors posting sexually explicit material and/or responding to those posts.
Do make the discussion one of exploring together the “why” your teen is posting, not just the “what” your teen is posting. Is someone encouraging her or demanding that she post photos that are sexually charged? The answer may indicate a relationship that should be addressed. Be purposeful and goal-oriented in addressing concerns with teens, rather than accusing or dictating expectations. Parents may get more information by fostering a positive platform for discussing if, in fact, your teen is seeking attention by posting sexually charged photos. Help your teen learn about the real life and long-term consequences of posting inappropriate images. Understanding why your teen is needing approval and validation, while finding appropriate ways to fill that need, is an important role for parents. Finally, try getting your daughter involved in community service projects, athletics, and other programs which foster a positive sense of self or empowerment.
Information on this important topic can be found on websites, such as Connect Safely, Common Sense Media and the American Academy of Pediatrics.
“I am concerned about my sixteen-year-old daughter’s new boyfriend. He seems ultra-controlling and doesn’t want her to spend time with her girlfriends. He probably has trust issues, and I don’t want him isolating her from her friends. I’m afraid that if I come down too hard, it will just make her want to see him more.” ~ Nicole (NY)
Dear Nicole,
Teenage relationships are particularly difficult, especially those that may reflect a possible imbalance of power and isolation. Without knowing the age of your daughter’s boyfriend or how long she has known him, it’s hard to share more specific answers with you. Do you have concerns about a possible age difference between the boyfriend and your daughter? Is the relationship impacting school performance? Have others also expressed concerns about this relationship? Have you spent time with them together?
Prepare to address the concerns you have about how she is being treated, as well as her isolation, in a supportive and loving discussion. While it may be difficult to keep your emotions in check, it’s best to be non-confrontational. Validating your teen’s feelings is a good place to start. You want your daughter to listen to your concerns, rather than react to your own behavior. Try to avoid the emotional triggers that can escalate into an argument over reactions, ultimately derailing the true concerns you want to address.
In these situations, parents may hope that their daughter can eventually come to the same conclusion they have about a boyfriend. Keep in mind, however, that a teenager’s perceptions of a romantic relationship are based on a different vantage point. There is a lot of “social currency” in having a high school relationship. Try to understand what your daughter may be gaining from having a boyfriend or being in a relationship, not only focusing on this particular boy.
Being overly critical of the boyfriend may, instead, fuel defensiveness and further her retreat from you. Try to understand why she needs or wants this relationship with her boyfriend, and why at this time? It’s important to discover what else may be going on at home, at school, and with her peer group. Explore other factors that may be pushing her into this relationship.
Please consider seeking support for this situation from a qualified counselor, therapist or psychologist who specializes in teen populations. Also, consider the impact on your long-term relationship with your daughter in how you approach this dating relationship. Boyfriends may change over the course of adolescence, but mothers want their relationship with their daughters to sustain and mature during these years.
“My daughter and I used to be very close. Now, all we do is fight…sometimes about the most ridiculous things. It’s extremely frustrating dealing with her mood swings and her constant negativity toward me. Any tips to help us get our relationship back on the right track?” ~ Heather (FL)
Dear Heather,
I am sorry to hear about the negativity you describe in your relationship with your daughter. Without knowing your daughter's age, the source of mood swings, or the history of what may have brought you both to this point, I can only share some general opinions. Your realization that you sometimes fight about “the most ridiculous things” and your feelings of frustration can actually be a good starting point to make changes. Sometimes there is not one major event that causes a breakdown in a relationship, but many small hurts and disappointments. Sometimes, what may seem as a series of small things actually represent larger issues of control. Be honest with yourself about what is triggering the negative behaviors, and how you both may be fueling this fire. Do you have an idea where the negativity is coming from? It must be difficult to try to fix a problem in a relationship when you feel it’s all up to you - like trying by yourself to peddle a bicycle built for two.
We have a choice of how we want to go forward in our relationships. Let’s start by focusing on the future and finding common goals for your mother-daughter relationship. Ask yourself if you want to move forward focusing on the negativity of the past or the positivity of your relationship. What are your strengths as individuals? How can you focus on those strengths? Ask yourself and your daughter what “better” would look like in your relationship. Oftentimes, mothers forget to ask their daughters to verbalize their needs. What we may think our daughters need may be based on our own perceptions and expectations.
Writing down these goals and journaling about your feelings, as well as your hopes, can help both of you. Mothers and daughters have expectations about each other’s roles. Sometimes it is helpful for you both to reflect on your expectations and assess if they are realistic. Prepare before the conversation to respond - not react - to what your daughter expresses to you. While this may feel uncomfortable, realize that you are modeling important nurturing for your daughter that one day she may need to model for her own children.
As a mother, you have an important role, one that means you may have to initially take the lead on this journey. One of the best kick-starters to a renewed and stronger relationship is a structured mother-daughter get-away. Structured programs at retreat centers, service trips, and purpose-driven travel for mothers and daughters are examples. Also, think about taking a class together or finding a volunteer opportunity to share. Often, working on a project greater than ourselves, such as community service projects, will promote bonding while creating meaningful memories.
For more information on Sherry's
coaching practice, presentations, and her PositiviTeens® educational workshops, visit:
coaching practice, presentations, and her PositiviTeens® educational workshops, visit:
