Ask an Expert
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MAY TOPIC: Workplace Bullying
Rachel Wright, LMFT
Psychotherapist Photo Credit: Lauren Bodwell Photography |
OUR EXPERT:
Psychotherapist Rachel Wright, LMFT, is recognized as one of the freshest voices on modern relationships and sex. She is an experienced speaker, group facilitator, educator, therapist, coach, and on-camera mental health and relationship expert. With a master’s degree in clinical psychology, Rachel has worked with thousands of couples all over the world. She has brought her message as keynote speaker to venues across the globe, was SHAPE Magazine’s Sex + Relationships Coach for Crush Your Goals 2020, and is co-host of the Bachelor-themed podcast, The Wright Reasons. Rachel has been featured widely in the media, including Cheddar TV, SHAPE, Cosmopolitan magazine, PIX 11 (NYC), InStyle, Women’s Health, NBC News Radio, Huffington Post, CTV (Canada) and hundreds of other outlets. Rachel lives in Brooklyn, NY with her husband and enjoys tons of gluten-free food and drink. |
“I work at an insurance company that has an open floor plan. This one guy, whose space is close to mine, seemed really nice at first, so I would talk with him. I even had lunch with him once at the office cafeteria. Then, he started calling my cell phone. I don’t know how he got my number. He isn’t saying anything threatening, but I’ve told him I’m in a relationship, and he continues to call about odd things…a situation at work that should have been addressed at work, etc. He happens to be personal friends with my direct manager. How do you suggest I proceed?” ~ B. K. (NY)
Workplace dynamics are especially challenging to navigate because environments and relationships are varied and unique to a particular company or organization.
I would encourage you to ask yourself how you set boundaries with people outside of the office, how this person overstepping has made you feel, and, finally, what you would like to ask of this person. Then, you can craft an email (so it’s in writing) to your coworker. Personally, I would CC your boss, regardless of this person’s friendship with them; ultimately, that’s up to you if you feel comfortable doing so.
While crafting the email, you can follow the framework I’ve come up with for conversations called “AEO,” which stands for acknowledge, explain, and offer.
It may look something like this (without the letters before each statement, of course):
A: ‘I have enjoyed getting to know you, sharing lunch, and the conversations we’ve shared.’
E: ‘I feel _____ (the emotion/feeling) when you call or text my personal cell phone.’
O: “Moving forward, I would really appreciate it if ________________.” (Your solution/what you want)
An example of a possible solution: “Moving forward, I would really appreciate it if we kept workplace conversations to the workplace and you didn’t call or text my personal cell. Would this be okay?”
This is a non-threatening way for you to express yourself - what you want and need - without attacking or making the other person feel a need to defend their actions.
“I’m getting very frustrated because I’m constantly asked to do work that my superior is responsible for. Yet, I’m still expected to do my own job. At first, I acquiesced because I wanted to be helpful. Now, I find I’m being taken advantage of. This person is not the easiest to talk with. Should I go straight above his head with my issue?” ~ Anonymous (PA)
If you feel safer and more comfortable going above this person’s head with your issue, do that. However, if that seems like it would cause more problems for you at work, you can try to address it with your direct superior first.
Let your supervisor know that you want to continue to be helpful AND you also want to clarify what falls under the umbrella of your responsibility versus theirs so that you can prioritize.
You can acknowledge that, during busy times, you want to do what you’re responsible for to the best of your ability, but this can be challenging to do when you’re asked to do things outside of your job responsibilities. You can even use an example of a recent time that this happened.
If you make it about the overall well-being of yourself and the company, versus him ‘taking advantage,’ he’ll be able to respond without being defensive.
“There’s a group of colleagues at my job who have formed a ‘clique.’ And this group has targeted me. The joke is always on me. We’re supposed to work as a team, but I always get the crappy work. The ‘ring leader’ has a lot of political power. I feel like I’m back in high school, but this is business, and I’m not sure how to deal with the situation.” ~ Anonymous (CA)
Ugh. Let’s first acknowledge that this sucks. If you watched Parks and Recreation when it was on TV, there was a character named Jerry that experiences a similar thing to what you’re going through. While that show was a comedy, this sounds like ‘high school hell on earth.’
While I don’t have any context for the type of work you do, I can say that there is no excuse for bullying or being called out at the expense of a joke.
As vulnerable as it may sound, you need to communicate how you’re feeling and what you’d like to be different to the group. This can be done through email or in a conversation - whichever you feel most comfortable with.
I’d encourage you to reflect on how you’re feeling, what you want, and the colleagues who need to hear this – include all of these people in the correspondence or conversation. It’s not easy, AND it’s worth it. You deserve to be treated with kindness, respect and dignity at your workplace.
Workplace dynamics are especially challenging to navigate because environments and relationships are varied and unique to a particular company or organization.
I would encourage you to ask yourself how you set boundaries with people outside of the office, how this person overstepping has made you feel, and, finally, what you would like to ask of this person. Then, you can craft an email (so it’s in writing) to your coworker. Personally, I would CC your boss, regardless of this person’s friendship with them; ultimately, that’s up to you if you feel comfortable doing so.
While crafting the email, you can follow the framework I’ve come up with for conversations called “AEO,” which stands for acknowledge, explain, and offer.
It may look something like this (without the letters before each statement, of course):
A: ‘I have enjoyed getting to know you, sharing lunch, and the conversations we’ve shared.’
E: ‘I feel _____ (the emotion/feeling) when you call or text my personal cell phone.’
O: “Moving forward, I would really appreciate it if ________________.” (Your solution/what you want)
An example of a possible solution: “Moving forward, I would really appreciate it if we kept workplace conversations to the workplace and you didn’t call or text my personal cell. Would this be okay?”
This is a non-threatening way for you to express yourself - what you want and need - without attacking or making the other person feel a need to defend their actions.
“I’m getting very frustrated because I’m constantly asked to do work that my superior is responsible for. Yet, I’m still expected to do my own job. At first, I acquiesced because I wanted to be helpful. Now, I find I’m being taken advantage of. This person is not the easiest to talk with. Should I go straight above his head with my issue?” ~ Anonymous (PA)
If you feel safer and more comfortable going above this person’s head with your issue, do that. However, if that seems like it would cause more problems for you at work, you can try to address it with your direct superior first.
Let your supervisor know that you want to continue to be helpful AND you also want to clarify what falls under the umbrella of your responsibility versus theirs so that you can prioritize.
You can acknowledge that, during busy times, you want to do what you’re responsible for to the best of your ability, but this can be challenging to do when you’re asked to do things outside of your job responsibilities. You can even use an example of a recent time that this happened.
If you make it about the overall well-being of yourself and the company, versus him ‘taking advantage,’ he’ll be able to respond without being defensive.
“There’s a group of colleagues at my job who have formed a ‘clique.’ And this group has targeted me. The joke is always on me. We’re supposed to work as a team, but I always get the crappy work. The ‘ring leader’ has a lot of political power. I feel like I’m back in high school, but this is business, and I’m not sure how to deal with the situation.” ~ Anonymous (CA)
Ugh. Let’s first acknowledge that this sucks. If you watched Parks and Recreation when it was on TV, there was a character named Jerry that experiences a similar thing to what you’re going through. While that show was a comedy, this sounds like ‘high school hell on earth.’
While I don’t have any context for the type of work you do, I can say that there is no excuse for bullying or being called out at the expense of a joke.
As vulnerable as it may sound, you need to communicate how you’re feeling and what you’d like to be different to the group. This can be done through email or in a conversation - whichever you feel most comfortable with.
I’d encourage you to reflect on how you’re feeling, what you want, and the colleagues who need to hear this – include all of these people in the correspondence or conversation. It’s not easy, AND it’s worth it. You deserve to be treated with kindness, respect and dignity at your workplace.
