Ask an Expert
May '21 TOPIC: Solving Issues with Your Adult Daughter
Amy Morin, LCSW
Psychotherapist, Author and Editor-in-Chief of Verywell Mind |
OUR EXPERT:
Amy Morin, LCSW, is the editor-in-chief of Verywell Mind, the biggest mental health site on the internet. She's also a psychotherapist and an international bestselling author of four books on mental strength. Her TEDx talk, The Secret of Becoming Mentally Strong, is one of the most viewed talks of all time. |
“This is probably quite common, but I’m not sure when to step in with my daughter and offer unsolicited advice about money issues. She is 26, but she is not saving much. I don’t think she is having financial problems, but my concern is that she is spending all that she has. Any advice on how to broach financial topics with an adult daughter (or son)?” ~ Beth (VA)
Since your daughter is an adult, she gets to make her own financial decisions. That's not to say you can't offer some of your wisdom - but only if she wants it.
You can always be direct and simply ask, "How are things going financially for you?" Or, you might say something like, "When I was 26, here are some of the things I learned about money."
You can use your own story as an example. Did you save a lot when you were her age? Maybe you’re glad that you did. Did you spend a lot back then and later regretted it?
Tell her you're happy to help her make wise financial decisions. You might sign her up for a course or recommend a book but only if she wants to ensure her own financial health. If she doesn't, it's important to step back and let her make her own choices.
“What should you do if you don’t like a partner or boyfriend? I don’t mean you don’t like how he/she dresses or what their job is…but how he is treating your grown child. Once your kid is over 18, it seems to be something many parents say is off limits. I feel differently about it when it concerns mistreatment, whether mental or physical. Any thoughts about how to approach this subject?” ~ Anonymous
It is important to let your adult child make her own romantic choices. But that doesn't mean you need to idly sit by and watch her get mistreated.
Your child may not recognize that she’s being mistreated, or she may realize it, but she doesn’t know what to do. Bringing up the issue might open the door for her to talk about it.
You might simply point out your observations. Say something like, "It's tough to hear your partner yell at you," or "I hear your partner blame you for making him get mad."
Then, explain why those behaviors concern you. But don't do it in an accusatory manner. Otherwise, she may grow defensive of her partner's actions.
Stay focused on why it's hard to see this happen. Rather than say, "Your partner needs to smarten up," try saying, "As a parent, it's difficult to see someone raise his voice at you."
If your child doesn't share your concerns, you can still set boundaries. You might decide to leave when you see her being mistreated. You might also make it clear that this behavior isn't welcome in your home.
It's definitely painful to watch someone mistreat your child. Setting limits on this behavior can send a strong message that might help your child eventually set limits with her partner, too.
“Should you ever give unsolicited advice about parenting? I know this is a touchy subject. As a first-time grandma, I don’t want to overstep.” ~ Izzy (CO)
Typically, it's not a good idea to offer unsolicited parenting advice. While you may have more parenting experience, your wisdom might not necessarily be welcomed by an adult child.
You might occasionally share a story of something that worked for you. But unless your daughter asks for your opinion, it's best to leave the parenting up to the parents. After all, there are many ways to raise a child. Just because you don't agree with it doesn't mean what she is doing is wrong.
Of course, you want to intervene if you see safety issues, but keep in mind that eating too much sugar or sticking to a completely organic diet doesn't count as a safety measure.
In the meantime, work on managing any strong emotions you have around this. Take a few deep breaths and remind yourself that you're Grandma this time around, not Mom. Therefore, it's not your job to establish the rules.
Since your daughter is an adult, she gets to make her own financial decisions. That's not to say you can't offer some of your wisdom - but only if she wants it.
You can always be direct and simply ask, "How are things going financially for you?" Or, you might say something like, "When I was 26, here are some of the things I learned about money."
You can use your own story as an example. Did you save a lot when you were her age? Maybe you’re glad that you did. Did you spend a lot back then and later regretted it?
Tell her you're happy to help her make wise financial decisions. You might sign her up for a course or recommend a book but only if she wants to ensure her own financial health. If she doesn't, it's important to step back and let her make her own choices.
“What should you do if you don’t like a partner or boyfriend? I don’t mean you don’t like how he/she dresses or what their job is…but how he is treating your grown child. Once your kid is over 18, it seems to be something many parents say is off limits. I feel differently about it when it concerns mistreatment, whether mental or physical. Any thoughts about how to approach this subject?” ~ Anonymous
It is important to let your adult child make her own romantic choices. But that doesn't mean you need to idly sit by and watch her get mistreated.
Your child may not recognize that she’s being mistreated, or she may realize it, but she doesn’t know what to do. Bringing up the issue might open the door for her to talk about it.
You might simply point out your observations. Say something like, "It's tough to hear your partner yell at you," or "I hear your partner blame you for making him get mad."
Then, explain why those behaviors concern you. But don't do it in an accusatory manner. Otherwise, she may grow defensive of her partner's actions.
Stay focused on why it's hard to see this happen. Rather than say, "Your partner needs to smarten up," try saying, "As a parent, it's difficult to see someone raise his voice at you."
If your child doesn't share your concerns, you can still set boundaries. You might decide to leave when you see her being mistreated. You might also make it clear that this behavior isn't welcome in your home.
It's definitely painful to watch someone mistreat your child. Setting limits on this behavior can send a strong message that might help your child eventually set limits with her partner, too.
“Should you ever give unsolicited advice about parenting? I know this is a touchy subject. As a first-time grandma, I don’t want to overstep.” ~ Izzy (CO)
Typically, it's not a good idea to offer unsolicited parenting advice. While you may have more parenting experience, your wisdom might not necessarily be welcomed by an adult child.
You might occasionally share a story of something that worked for you. But unless your daughter asks for your opinion, it's best to leave the parenting up to the parents. After all, there are many ways to raise a child. Just because you don't agree with it doesn't mean what she is doing is wrong.
Of course, you want to intervene if you see safety issues, but keep in mind that eating too much sugar or sticking to a completely organic diet doesn't count as a safety measure.
In the meantime, work on managing any strong emotions you have around this. Take a few deep breaths and remind yourself that you're Grandma this time around, not Mom. Therefore, it's not your job to establish the rules.
