Personal Safety
Stalking: When Attention Crosses a Line
October 2019
By Carol Lippert Gray
The Broadway dancer was talking quietly with friends and relatives before her mother’s funeral began when the man who had been stalking her entered the funeral parlor. Several of her friends, aware that he had been bothering her for some time, surrounded him and escorted him out before the dancer was even aware that he was there. Fortunately, he left without making a scene.
Be aware, though, that you don’t have to be a high-visibility Broadway dancer to attract unwanted attention from a stalker…and stalkers don’t always slink away quietly. In fact, stalking affects 7.5 million Americans annually, according to the National Center for Victims of Crime. Another important fact: Women are stalked at a rate two times higher than men.
What constitutes stalking?
It encompasses a long laundry list of actions and behaviors, including, but not limited to: following you; spying on you; calling, emailing or texting excessively; showing up unwanted at your home, workplace or school; giving you unwanted gifts; damaging your home or property; threatening you, your family, or your pets. It may mean sending unwanted, frightening or obscene letters, emails, tweets, or instant messages; harassing or threatening you on social media; or tracking your computer or internet use. A stalker might even go through your garbage.
According to Kimberlina Kavern, senior director of the Crime Victim Assistance Program at Safe Horizon, a New York City-based, victim assistance nonprofit since 1978, different people have different thresholds for what stalking means to them. “The key is how it makes the victim feel,” she says. You have to ask yourself if a pattern of behavior is crossing a line for you and making you uncomfortable. “It’s different for different people,” she says. “It’s subjective.”
However, the stalker’s goal is consistent: to make you feel vulnerable and to make himself feel powerful. That vulnerability might take the form of anxiety, fear, suspicion, irritability, depression, anger, stress, eating problems, isolation, or a whole host of other physical and psychological issues.
What motivates a stalker?
According to Carrie Manner, who wrote “Inside the Mind of a Stalker”, a breakup may be a precipitating factor: “Their fear of abandonment doesn’t allow them to reason, so it’s impossible to let them down easy.”
Manner says stalkers are often obsessive, and they blur the lines between fact and fiction, inventing "details in their head about a romantic relationship that doesn’t exist.” They are narcissistic and are “unable to recognize or respect the feelings or boundaries of others.”
What can you do?
Kavern says you should keep a stalking log. It can be informal, but it should catalogue the time, date and location of each incident.
Keep emails, phone messages, screen shots, letters, and any other physical evidence. Take pictures of any damage the stalker inflicts. Ask witnesses to write down anything they see.
Stop communicating with the stalker, both actively and passively. “Change the passwords on all your devices if you had a relationship with the stalker,” Kavern says. “Turn off geotagging on your phone and computer. Be mindful of your online presence. Google yourself every three to six months to monitor your online footprint. You can request that [online] information be removed."
Trust your instincts and take threats seriously. Contact a crisis hotline, victim services agency or other program (see Resources section below). The experts there can help you formulate a safety plan, educate you about local laws and services, and weigh options, such as orders of protection. “There’s free, confidential help out there,” Kavern says.
You must talk to the people you trust. This is no time to be shy or embarrassed. Remember that this is not your fault. Let family, friends, roommates, colleagues, and the police know what’s going on. Tell security staff at your school or workplace. Consider obtaining a court order that tells the stalker to stay away from you.
Develop a Safety Plan
Change your routine. Make arrangements for a safe place to stay if you no longer feel safe at home. Ask friends or relatives to go places with you. Figure out ahead of time what you’ll do if the stalker comes to your home, workplace, school, etc. And tell your loved ones how they can help you as well. The key is to be prepared.
When Someone You Know is Being Stalked
If a friend, relative or colleague confides in you that she is being stalked, listen and be supportive. Remember it’s not the victim’s fault. Every stalking situation is different, and the victim has to make her own choices, but you can educate yourself about the dynamic. Don’t put yourself in harm’s way. A stalker who has lost the ability to reason will often turn his angst on those protecting the object of his obsession.
Lastly, if you feel that you or someone you know is in imminent danger, call 911 immediately!
Be aware, though, that you don’t have to be a high-visibility Broadway dancer to attract unwanted attention from a stalker…and stalkers don’t always slink away quietly. In fact, stalking affects 7.5 million Americans annually, according to the National Center for Victims of Crime. Another important fact: Women are stalked at a rate two times higher than men.
What constitutes stalking?
It encompasses a long laundry list of actions and behaviors, including, but not limited to: following you; spying on you; calling, emailing or texting excessively; showing up unwanted at your home, workplace or school; giving you unwanted gifts; damaging your home or property; threatening you, your family, or your pets. It may mean sending unwanted, frightening or obscene letters, emails, tweets, or instant messages; harassing or threatening you on social media; or tracking your computer or internet use. A stalker might even go through your garbage.
According to Kimberlina Kavern, senior director of the Crime Victim Assistance Program at Safe Horizon, a New York City-based, victim assistance nonprofit since 1978, different people have different thresholds for what stalking means to them. “The key is how it makes the victim feel,” she says. You have to ask yourself if a pattern of behavior is crossing a line for you and making you uncomfortable. “It’s different for different people,” she says. “It’s subjective.”
However, the stalker’s goal is consistent: to make you feel vulnerable and to make himself feel powerful. That vulnerability might take the form of anxiety, fear, suspicion, irritability, depression, anger, stress, eating problems, isolation, or a whole host of other physical and psychological issues.
What motivates a stalker?
According to Carrie Manner, who wrote “Inside the Mind of a Stalker”, a breakup may be a precipitating factor: “Their fear of abandonment doesn’t allow them to reason, so it’s impossible to let them down easy.”
Manner says stalkers are often obsessive, and they blur the lines between fact and fiction, inventing "details in their head about a romantic relationship that doesn’t exist.” They are narcissistic and are “unable to recognize or respect the feelings or boundaries of others.”
What can you do?
Kavern says you should keep a stalking log. It can be informal, but it should catalogue the time, date and location of each incident.
Keep emails, phone messages, screen shots, letters, and any other physical evidence. Take pictures of any damage the stalker inflicts. Ask witnesses to write down anything they see.
Stop communicating with the stalker, both actively and passively. “Change the passwords on all your devices if you had a relationship with the stalker,” Kavern says. “Turn off geotagging on your phone and computer. Be mindful of your online presence. Google yourself every three to six months to monitor your online footprint. You can request that [online] information be removed."
Trust your instincts and take threats seriously. Contact a crisis hotline, victim services agency or other program (see Resources section below). The experts there can help you formulate a safety plan, educate you about local laws and services, and weigh options, such as orders of protection. “There’s free, confidential help out there,” Kavern says.
You must talk to the people you trust. This is no time to be shy or embarrassed. Remember that this is not your fault. Let family, friends, roommates, colleagues, and the police know what’s going on. Tell security staff at your school or workplace. Consider obtaining a court order that tells the stalker to stay away from you.
Develop a Safety Plan
Change your routine. Make arrangements for a safe place to stay if you no longer feel safe at home. Ask friends or relatives to go places with you. Figure out ahead of time what you’ll do if the stalker comes to your home, workplace, school, etc. And tell your loved ones how they can help you as well. The key is to be prepared.
When Someone You Know is Being Stalked
If a friend, relative or colleague confides in you that she is being stalked, listen and be supportive. Remember it’s not the victim’s fault. Every stalking situation is different, and the victim has to make her own choices, but you can educate yourself about the dynamic. Don’t put yourself in harm’s way. A stalker who has lost the ability to reason will often turn his angst on those protecting the object of his obsession.
Lastly, if you feel that you or someone you know is in imminent danger, call 911 immediately!
Additional Resources:
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Women’s Health Helpline
1-800-994-9662 9AM-6PM (ET Monday-Friday)
The National Center for Victims of Crime Stalking Resource Center
(Bulletins, hotlines, civil litigation information, and resources for coping with trauma and grief)
Safe Horizon
(A victim assistance organization with hotlines and resources for a number of situations: domestic violence, stalking, child abuse, etc.)
Consent: A Memoir of Unwanted Attention by Donna Freitas
(This book deals with the author’s experience of being stalked for over two years by a trusted professor when she was a graduate student.)
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Women’s Health Helpline
1-800-994-9662 9AM-6PM (ET Monday-Friday)
The National Center for Victims of Crime Stalking Resource Center
(Bulletins, hotlines, civil litigation information, and resources for coping with trauma and grief)
Safe Horizon
(A victim assistance organization with hotlines and resources for a number of situations: domestic violence, stalking, child abuse, etc.)
Consent: A Memoir of Unwanted Attention by Donna Freitas
(This book deals with the author’s experience of being stalked for over two years by a trusted professor when she was a graduate student.)
Carol Lippert Gray is an award-winning public relations professional and longtime freelance writer and editor. She has been published in fields as diverse as crafts and corporate finance, parenting and philanthropy. She is also a regular contributor for Sanctuary.
