Ask an Expert
OCTOBER TOPIC: Dealing with Life's Transitions
Marisa Moeller, Ph.D.
Owner of The Alternative Therapists Partnership |
OUR EXPERT:
Marisa Moeller, Ph.D., is the owner of The Alternative Therapists Partnership, Inc. which offers a number of specialized holistic healing modalities. Marisa holds master’s degrees in English and psychology and a Ph.D. in psychology. She is a Reiki Master and holistic health therapist and is certified in several areas, including creative and expressive arts therapy, clinical hypnotherapy, and professional and life coaching. Marisa is also very involved in her community. She has been a Girl Scout leader for years and is a regular volunteer for Barrett Art Center in Poughkeepsie, NY. She loves to read and collect antiques, and she owns an antique shop in Amenia, NY, the town where she also resides with her husband and daughter. |
“How do you broach the subject about hiring a nurse's aide for an elderly parent who doesn't think she needs one…but you need the help? So many caregivers don’t even know how to lighten their load and don’t really recognize the amount of work they are doing. This can cause burnout and hard feelings.” ~ Helen (NY)
Hi, Helen. There are a number of things an adult child can do when he or she believes his or her elderly parent needs “for-hire” help. I use the term “for-hire” help since that may cover a number of different types of skilled and/or semi-skilled professionals. Before we even begin this conversation, we all need to recognize if and when an elderly parent does, indeed, need help. After all, everyone ages differently and health-related issues are unique to each individual. Not every elderly person will need help.
One can look for certain warning signs before beginning this often difficult conversation. Does the elderly parent have unexplained bruises? Are medications being taken correctly? Are there stacks of unopened mail piling up around the home? Is their refrigerator fully stocked with nutritious meals? Have regular appearances from new acquaintances or new love interests begun to be the norm? If so, find out about the people who have suddenly entered into your loved one’s life.
The first thing to do is discuss the situation with all family members who should be involved in the decision-making process. In addition to hiring outside help, this is the time to discuss possible solutions, such as deciding who will be responsible overseeing the parent’s finances, deciding which family members will be responsible for any additional financial responsibilities that may come along with this decision, and deciding how much each individual can offer as far as assistance goes.
Discuss the situation with the elderly parent. Never, ever make demands, bark orders or use threats to get your point across. Do not speak to him/her as if he/she is a child. Allowing an elderly parent to be part of the decision-making process is very important. Letting them know that their opinion matters can make all the difference.
Start by offering to take your elderly parent to the store or to their doctors’ appointments, or suggest doing the shopping for them. Ease into suggesting a need for some extra help with their bills or banking. In addition to offering transport to locations where they handle their personal business, offer to sit down with them at home when they handle those personal business issues. This is generally the first step toward broaching the subject of possibly hiring a bit of additional outside help.
The acceptance of additional help generally will segue into the discussion of getting paperwork in order. It’s often best to bring up this subject while collecting and finalizing your own personal paperwork. An elderly parent will feel less threatened if they realize that their children are also taking steps to put their own affairs in order.
Even when this subject is approached gently and compassionately, some elderly parents may still resist. At this point, you should seek outside help - a doctor, an attorney, or another professional to assist in the conversation. It is always best if it is someone your elderly parent knows and trusts. However, sometimes this is impossible to do. Therefore, seeking assistance with social services agencies, or hiring a private case manager can also be the way to go.
Most importantly, checking which benefits your state provides is essential. For example, some states allow for a relative to be paid to become the primary caretaker of a loved one. Other states allow for either a family member or a friend to care for the individual in need.
If you are the caregiver, you need to take care of yourself first. Take some time for yourself! However, before you can do either of these two things, you must first realize that you cannot stop nor reverse a chronic or progressive illness or debilitating injury. Next, you must identify any personal barriers to good self-care and begin to change those behaviors one small step at a time.
You will find a wealth of information and support at Family Caregiver Alliance: National Center on Caregiving.
Wishing you all the best, Helen.
“My daughter is moving away from home and out-of-state for the first time. She is an only child. How do I handle continuing to be a mom and being supportive without being too overbearing? We’ve always had a close relationship, and I want to be sure we maintain that, but I also don’t want to overstep my bounds now that she’s independent. Any tips?” ~ Gwen (MO)
Hi, Gwen. As a mother, anytime a child goes out the door, no matter what age she is, we are filled with worry, anxiety and trepidation! Having a child ready to move out and to another state feels no different. Intellectually, and quite rationally, we understand that moving away to attend college or to start a new life is a very important and very real step toward adulthood. Does it hurt our heart to its very core any the less? No! How we deal with this hurt, though, will make all the difference.
The most important thing is communication. Tell her that you will miss her, that you love her, and that she can contact you right away if there are any problems. And, of course, tell her that she can always come home! Most importantly, though, you have to tell her how you want her to communicate with you. Do you want her to call once a week, send a text message every other day, or send an email each morning? Negotiate these terms up front.
The next thing to do is to maintain a supportive role. Ask her if there is anything you can help her with. This encourages your child to make a list for herself. Ask her if she would like to run through her budget one more time with you as a sounding board. Here, you are showing concern without showing her you need to tell her what to do. You can ask her if she needs an extra pair of hands to pack or if she needs an extra vehicle to move things to her new location. This demonstrates that you’re following her lead.
Next, provide lots of encouragement. Let your child know that you are very proud of her and make her aware of just how much you respect her decisions. Let her know that you realize she demonstrates sound judgement and powerful coping skills. Cheer her on as she pursues her dreams and goals.
Finally, do not be afraid of change. Change is good. It gives you the opportunity to reinvent yourself. It allows you the time to pursue varied interests you put on the back burner. It affords you the time you need to try new things, discover new adventures, and/or grow in new directions.
Make sure you take the time to pat yourself on the back and acknowledge the fact that you have done a great job in raising your child. You have completed the task that was demanded of you. You have reared your child to be a well-adjusted adult that has the confidence and capability to head out into the world and flourish.
I recommend that anyone feeling overwhelming sadness over this important life transition, look into Family Lives.
"I have dated men my age for most of my adult life. Now I find that I am meeting much younger men who seem to be interested in me. Though I have much in common with most of these men, I am leery about getting heavily involved. Do I make this transition in my life at this time and make it go well or not?" ~ Jessica (NJ)
Hi, Jessica. Fear not! You are not alone in this type of life transition. There are many women who are currently dating men that are much younger than themselves. Why is this happening? Should it be happening? Is there anything wrong with this? Will it work? Will it last? These are just some of the questions being asked out there.
If you ask the “experts,” they all have their own opinions about this! If you ask the couples themselves, you will find that they, too, have their own opinions. Are there pros and cons lists which have been created concerning dating a younger man? I am fairly certain that you could find one. Can you make your own pros and cons list for this topic? I suppose you could!
Nevertheless, does it really much matter? I feel this should only be dealt with by the two parties involved. Remember, this relationship is like any other relationship. It only works if the two people involved are committed to seeing it work out. This type of relationship relies on all the same things that any relationship relies on: finding someone who shares the same beliefs, interests, and principles as you do.
If you are hesitant or feel insecure in this relationship, then you need to delve into why you feel this way. Is it really how you feel, or is it what you believe society expects of you as a mature woman? Are you putting pressure on yourself, or are others putting that pressure on you? Only you can answer these questions.
In the meantime…live life, fall in love, and enjoy each other’s company. At the end of the day, all that matters is that you are happy. If the world doesn’t like it, too bad!
"How does one handle this particular life transition: Going from being married for over 22 years to being divorced and on your own?" ~ Susan (NC)
Hi, Susan. For the answer to your question please reference the above answer!
All kidding aside, this situation is another that is all too familiar to many women, and some men for that matter. Once the divorce is final, many individuals find themselves in the situation of having to “start over.” What this “starting over” means to each individual will vary, though.
Regardless of what it means to you, the following are just a few things that all people who find themselves in this situation should do. The list is by no means complete. Nevertheless, it is a good place to start.
I recently heard someone say, “The bad news about a divorce? Your life will never be the same. The good news about a divorce? Your life will never be the same.” So, the first thing to do is to truly comprehend that this is, indeed, a change in your life. In fact, it will change everything in your life from this point forward. Once this is truly understood, you will just begin to get a glimpse of all the new, exciting and unique opportunities that await you!
You must embrace this change! Recognize that this is an opportunity for you to make a fresh start and to reinvent yourself. Acknowledge the fact that it is never too late to live the life you want. Make ready the roads you will travel down to get to this new life - keep in mind that it’s a work in progress.
In the meantime, staying in a place that holds so many memories for you may not be the best thing to do. If you can, find a much smaller, quaint little place that you can call your own. Go ahead and put your very distinct mark on it! Surround yourself with the things you derive strength and determination from. Create a true sanctuary for yourself. Fortify it with patience, dreams and aspirations.
If you cannot afford to live alone, find a roommate. There is nothing wrong with living like you did when you first moved out as a young adult. In fact, it may even be fun. Many divorcees are sharing expenses while living and enjoying the single life! A good service to check out for this type of roommate referral can be found HERE.
If you have been the stay-at-home spouse, you may now find yourself responsible for your own financial stability. Do not be afraid to take a job! Every job comes with a period of learning. Understand that your job will be no different. Do not be afraid that you will not be able to do the job well. Give yourself the opportunity to learn. You will find that you are completely capable of taking something new on.
Another thing to do is make sure you do something special for yourself each day. Give yourself permission to enjoy this time you carve out for yourself, even if it only starts with ten minutes each day. Some suggestions:
The most important thing to do is to give yourself time to heal. Remember that the past is exactly that, the past. Leave it in the past! Know that you can take back control of your life one day at a time. Be mindful of the moment. You can center yourself by using any number of tools and techniques, such as yoga or meditation.
Recognize all that is good in your life. Be grateful for everyone and everything that you have. Understand that there are plenty of opportunities to find love again - when and if you want it! Realize that this journey is not going to be completed quickly, nor easily. Forgive yourself when and if you slide backward on this new journey.
Last, but certainly not least, remember the power to have a positive and amazing life lies completely within your hands!
For anyone who is suffering from the effects of a divorce, I highly recommend going to some sort of counseling or making use of the following resources:
Divorce Care
Woman’s Divorce
Hi, Helen. There are a number of things an adult child can do when he or she believes his or her elderly parent needs “for-hire” help. I use the term “for-hire” help since that may cover a number of different types of skilled and/or semi-skilled professionals. Before we even begin this conversation, we all need to recognize if and when an elderly parent does, indeed, need help. After all, everyone ages differently and health-related issues are unique to each individual. Not every elderly person will need help.
One can look for certain warning signs before beginning this often difficult conversation. Does the elderly parent have unexplained bruises? Are medications being taken correctly? Are there stacks of unopened mail piling up around the home? Is their refrigerator fully stocked with nutritious meals? Have regular appearances from new acquaintances or new love interests begun to be the norm? If so, find out about the people who have suddenly entered into your loved one’s life.
The first thing to do is discuss the situation with all family members who should be involved in the decision-making process. In addition to hiring outside help, this is the time to discuss possible solutions, such as deciding who will be responsible overseeing the parent’s finances, deciding which family members will be responsible for any additional financial responsibilities that may come along with this decision, and deciding how much each individual can offer as far as assistance goes.
Discuss the situation with the elderly parent. Never, ever make demands, bark orders or use threats to get your point across. Do not speak to him/her as if he/she is a child. Allowing an elderly parent to be part of the decision-making process is very important. Letting them know that their opinion matters can make all the difference.
Start by offering to take your elderly parent to the store or to their doctors’ appointments, or suggest doing the shopping for them. Ease into suggesting a need for some extra help with their bills or banking. In addition to offering transport to locations where they handle their personal business, offer to sit down with them at home when they handle those personal business issues. This is generally the first step toward broaching the subject of possibly hiring a bit of additional outside help.
The acceptance of additional help generally will segue into the discussion of getting paperwork in order. It’s often best to bring up this subject while collecting and finalizing your own personal paperwork. An elderly parent will feel less threatened if they realize that their children are also taking steps to put their own affairs in order.
Even when this subject is approached gently and compassionately, some elderly parents may still resist. At this point, you should seek outside help - a doctor, an attorney, or another professional to assist in the conversation. It is always best if it is someone your elderly parent knows and trusts. However, sometimes this is impossible to do. Therefore, seeking assistance with social services agencies, or hiring a private case manager can also be the way to go.
Most importantly, checking which benefits your state provides is essential. For example, some states allow for a relative to be paid to become the primary caretaker of a loved one. Other states allow for either a family member or a friend to care for the individual in need.
If you are the caregiver, you need to take care of yourself first. Take some time for yourself! However, before you can do either of these two things, you must first realize that you cannot stop nor reverse a chronic or progressive illness or debilitating injury. Next, you must identify any personal barriers to good self-care and begin to change those behaviors one small step at a time.
You will find a wealth of information and support at Family Caregiver Alliance: National Center on Caregiving.
Wishing you all the best, Helen.
“My daughter is moving away from home and out-of-state for the first time. She is an only child. How do I handle continuing to be a mom and being supportive without being too overbearing? We’ve always had a close relationship, and I want to be sure we maintain that, but I also don’t want to overstep my bounds now that she’s independent. Any tips?” ~ Gwen (MO)
Hi, Gwen. As a mother, anytime a child goes out the door, no matter what age she is, we are filled with worry, anxiety and trepidation! Having a child ready to move out and to another state feels no different. Intellectually, and quite rationally, we understand that moving away to attend college or to start a new life is a very important and very real step toward adulthood. Does it hurt our heart to its very core any the less? No! How we deal with this hurt, though, will make all the difference.
The most important thing is communication. Tell her that you will miss her, that you love her, and that she can contact you right away if there are any problems. And, of course, tell her that she can always come home! Most importantly, though, you have to tell her how you want her to communicate with you. Do you want her to call once a week, send a text message every other day, or send an email each morning? Negotiate these terms up front.
The next thing to do is to maintain a supportive role. Ask her if there is anything you can help her with. This encourages your child to make a list for herself. Ask her if she would like to run through her budget one more time with you as a sounding board. Here, you are showing concern without showing her you need to tell her what to do. You can ask her if she needs an extra pair of hands to pack or if she needs an extra vehicle to move things to her new location. This demonstrates that you’re following her lead.
Next, provide lots of encouragement. Let your child know that you are very proud of her and make her aware of just how much you respect her decisions. Let her know that you realize she demonstrates sound judgement and powerful coping skills. Cheer her on as she pursues her dreams and goals.
Finally, do not be afraid of change. Change is good. It gives you the opportunity to reinvent yourself. It allows you the time to pursue varied interests you put on the back burner. It affords you the time you need to try new things, discover new adventures, and/or grow in new directions.
Make sure you take the time to pat yourself on the back and acknowledge the fact that you have done a great job in raising your child. You have completed the task that was demanded of you. You have reared your child to be a well-adjusted adult that has the confidence and capability to head out into the world and flourish.
I recommend that anyone feeling overwhelming sadness over this important life transition, look into Family Lives.
"I have dated men my age for most of my adult life. Now I find that I am meeting much younger men who seem to be interested in me. Though I have much in common with most of these men, I am leery about getting heavily involved. Do I make this transition in my life at this time and make it go well or not?" ~ Jessica (NJ)
Hi, Jessica. Fear not! You are not alone in this type of life transition. There are many women who are currently dating men that are much younger than themselves. Why is this happening? Should it be happening? Is there anything wrong with this? Will it work? Will it last? These are just some of the questions being asked out there.
If you ask the “experts,” they all have their own opinions about this! If you ask the couples themselves, you will find that they, too, have their own opinions. Are there pros and cons lists which have been created concerning dating a younger man? I am fairly certain that you could find one. Can you make your own pros and cons list for this topic? I suppose you could!
Nevertheless, does it really much matter? I feel this should only be dealt with by the two parties involved. Remember, this relationship is like any other relationship. It only works if the two people involved are committed to seeing it work out. This type of relationship relies on all the same things that any relationship relies on: finding someone who shares the same beliefs, interests, and principles as you do.
If you are hesitant or feel insecure in this relationship, then you need to delve into why you feel this way. Is it really how you feel, or is it what you believe society expects of you as a mature woman? Are you putting pressure on yourself, or are others putting that pressure on you? Only you can answer these questions.
In the meantime…live life, fall in love, and enjoy each other’s company. At the end of the day, all that matters is that you are happy. If the world doesn’t like it, too bad!
"How does one handle this particular life transition: Going from being married for over 22 years to being divorced and on your own?" ~ Susan (NC)
Hi, Susan. For the answer to your question please reference the above answer!
All kidding aside, this situation is another that is all too familiar to many women, and some men for that matter. Once the divorce is final, many individuals find themselves in the situation of having to “start over.” What this “starting over” means to each individual will vary, though.
Regardless of what it means to you, the following are just a few things that all people who find themselves in this situation should do. The list is by no means complete. Nevertheless, it is a good place to start.
I recently heard someone say, “The bad news about a divorce? Your life will never be the same. The good news about a divorce? Your life will never be the same.” So, the first thing to do is to truly comprehend that this is, indeed, a change in your life. In fact, it will change everything in your life from this point forward. Once this is truly understood, you will just begin to get a glimpse of all the new, exciting and unique opportunities that await you!
You must embrace this change! Recognize that this is an opportunity for you to make a fresh start and to reinvent yourself. Acknowledge the fact that it is never too late to live the life you want. Make ready the roads you will travel down to get to this new life - keep in mind that it’s a work in progress.
In the meantime, staying in a place that holds so many memories for you may not be the best thing to do. If you can, find a much smaller, quaint little place that you can call your own. Go ahead and put your very distinct mark on it! Surround yourself with the things you derive strength and determination from. Create a true sanctuary for yourself. Fortify it with patience, dreams and aspirations.
If you cannot afford to live alone, find a roommate. There is nothing wrong with living like you did when you first moved out as a young adult. In fact, it may even be fun. Many divorcees are sharing expenses while living and enjoying the single life! A good service to check out for this type of roommate referral can be found HERE.
If you have been the stay-at-home spouse, you may now find yourself responsible for your own financial stability. Do not be afraid to take a job! Every job comes with a period of learning. Understand that your job will be no different. Do not be afraid that you will not be able to do the job well. Give yourself the opportunity to learn. You will find that you are completely capable of taking something new on.
Another thing to do is make sure you do something special for yourself each day. Give yourself permission to enjoy this time you carve out for yourself, even if it only starts with ten minutes each day. Some suggestions:
- Buy yourself a bouquet of flowers, or pick one!
- Sit and relax with a hot cup of tea.
- Listen to a favorite song.
- Begin to get together with friends, even if it is only for a quick drink or cup of coffee.
- Join any number of groups whose interests you share.
- Volunteer with any number of nonprofit organizations.
- Visit a gallery or museum when you have a bit of free time.
- Plan a trip alone, or with a friend.
The most important thing to do is to give yourself time to heal. Remember that the past is exactly that, the past. Leave it in the past! Know that you can take back control of your life one day at a time. Be mindful of the moment. You can center yourself by using any number of tools and techniques, such as yoga or meditation.
Recognize all that is good in your life. Be grateful for everyone and everything that you have. Understand that there are plenty of opportunities to find love again - when and if you want it! Realize that this journey is not going to be completed quickly, nor easily. Forgive yourself when and if you slide backward on this new journey.
Last, but certainly not least, remember the power to have a positive and amazing life lies completely within your hands!
For anyone who is suffering from the effects of a divorce, I highly recommend going to some sort of counseling or making use of the following resources:
Divorce Care
Woman’s Divorce
For more information: