Ask an Expert
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OCTOBER TOPIC: No More Dirty Secret: Combating Domestic Violence
Gloria Aguilera Terry
Chief Executive Officer, Texas Council on Family Violence Board Chair, National Network to End Domestic Violence Texas Council on Family Violence:
Texas Council on Family Violence is the only 501(c)3 nonprofit coalition in Texas dedicated solely to creating safer communities and freedom from family violence. With a state-wide reach and direct local impact, TCFV, with the collective strength of more than 1300 members, shapes public policy, equips service providers, and initiates strategic prevention efforts. |
OUR EXPERT:
Gloria Aguilera Terry joined the Texas Council on Family Violence (TCFV) in January of 2008 and became CEO in 2013. As leader of one of the nation’s largest domestic violence coalitions, Gloria directs the statewide activities of TCFV, such as lobbying and participating in Texas Legislative Sessions, establishing and fostering statewide tactical partnerships, working with staff to provide outstanding services to many domestic violence programs, and strategically positioning TCFV as a statewide and national influencer in the anti-domestic violence movement. Before leading TCFV, Gloria served in El Paso as executive director of the Center Against Family Violence, the largest domestic violence program along the U.S.-Mexico border. Prior to that, she was senior vice president of finance and administration for the Greater El Paso Chamber of Commerce where she provided vision, direction and management for all finance and accounting practices. Gloria currently offers her time and talents to the Collaborative Council for two judicial commissions: the Judicial Commission for Children, Youth and Families with the Texas Supreme Court and the Judicial Commission on Mental Health. She also lends her expertise to the VAWA Planning Committee with the Office of the Governor, the Diversity Committee of the National Council on Juvenile and Family Court Judges, and the Faculty Women of Color’s LEAP Project that invests in and enhances the professional skills of individuals of color in the anti-violence field. After six years of serving on the board with the National Network to End Domestic Violence, Gloria accepted the position of Board Chair in 2020. |
“Would you recommend advising your teenage daughter to get an order of protection? What if she does not want it? Should a parent get the order of protection for her?” ~ Anonymous (NY)
There are a number of reasons why a young person may not want to get an order of protection: fear of retaliation from her abusive partner or other teens at school; not understanding the gravity of the situation; threats by her partner if she discloses the abuse.
We recommend inviting an open, nonjudgmental conversation where she can share what’s happening in the relationship. Young people need to know you care. Oftentimes, their abusive partners may have made them feel guilty about the abuse, or they may blame themselves – even fear getting in trouble. Offer them unconditional support and decide on a plan together.
While an order of protection is a powerful tool to safely leave an abusive relationship, it does not guarantee safety. We often recommend contacting your local domestic violence program to talk with an advocate. An advocate can explain how to file for an order of protection and work with the victim to develop a safety plan. A safety plan is a personalized plan that can help you avoid dangerous situations and know the best way to react when you are in danger. This plan includes ways to remain safe while in the relationship, a plan to leave, and/or a plan for after you leave. Advocates can also offer additional resources such as counseling and support groups.
Lastly, while there are several states that allow teens under 18 years old to apply for protection without a parent's or guardian’s help, many states require you to have an adult involved.
Find more information here: Special Considerations for Minors
“Does a teenager have the capability to really understand how she is being controlled with language an abuser uses? (Examples: ‘Your parents do not love you like I DO;’ or when called foul names, “Everyone uses that language.’) ~ Anonymous (NY)
Yes, young people do have the capability to understand when abuse is happening in a relationship. One in three adolescents in the U.S. is a victim of physical, sexual, emotional, or verbal abuse from a dating partner, a figure that far exceeds rates of other types of youth violence.
Given that teen dating violence is common, it’s critical to start having conversations with young people early. Conversations may include discussing healthy versus unhealthy relationships, the warning signs of abuse, and how to get help. This demonstrates to a young person that you care and that you are a trusted adult she can turn to when she has questions. Young people often share that the adults in their lives shy away from these conversations, so they turn to friends, media, and other external sources to fill in the gaps.
Teaching young people what a healthy and respectful relationship looks like has the potential to prevent violence before it happens.
“My friend has had some unusual ‘mishaps.’ I was suspicious something was wrong because I’ve noticed her live-in boyfriend belittles her in public. She flinches around him as well. The latest was a bruise on the side of her face, and she made up a ridiculous excuse. We’re usually close – she usually confides in me - but she hasn’t said anything about this. What should I do? I’m worried about her.” ~ Anonymous (NH)
It is difficult when you suspect someone you care about is being hurt. Your help can definitely make difference - and your response to the situation is critically important.
Talking about abuse is exponentially hard; often the person has been diminished to the point she feels the violence is her fault. Do your best to help her feel supported and encouraged. If she feels judged, she may never reach out to anyone. Encourage her by saying, “I care deeply. You are not alone. I am here.” Share numbers to crisis hotlines and underscore that calls are confidential. Explain that no identifying information is asked and advocates can help navigate her questions and concerns as well as offer resources when she is ready.
“How does a mother who has turned to drinking in order to bury verbal and physical abuse get help – especially if she feels she is now seen as an alcoholic, instead of a victim of abuse, by all of those around her?” ~ Anonymous (NY)
In times of great anxiety and distress due to abuse, a person may turn to behaviors that she hopes will decrease her distress - she could turn to food, smoking, alcohol. It becomes critically important to help a victim of domestic violence receive advocacy and support. Prioritizing her safety as well as her children’s safety is essential. Seeking resources such as support groups, counseling and therapy can help her understand how the dynamics of abuse present. Friends and family members may also benefit from calling a crisis hotline to learn the dynamics of domestic violence and how they can offer support.
“I don’t think an order of protection is really going to protect me. I’m afraid to leave my house. Is there anything else I can do to protect myself?” ~ Anonymous (FL)
Protection orders are a legal intervention to reduce the risk of future threat and harm by a person determined to pose a threat. Most Respondents will abide to orders that dictate contact, distance, and support.
However, all protective order situations should be augmented with the development of a safety plan unique to the survivor. The following precautions should be taken: report violations immediately, keep a copy of the order with you at all times, leave copies at your workplace, children’s school, trusted neighbor, and family.
Additionally, consider changing routines where possible - work hours, travel routes, shopping habits. Keep in mind that orders of protection are valid in all jurisdictions - not only in the one that issued it.
Please contact your local domestic violence agency for additional support, particularly in developing your safety plan.
There are a number of reasons why a young person may not want to get an order of protection: fear of retaliation from her abusive partner or other teens at school; not understanding the gravity of the situation; threats by her partner if she discloses the abuse.
We recommend inviting an open, nonjudgmental conversation where she can share what’s happening in the relationship. Young people need to know you care. Oftentimes, their abusive partners may have made them feel guilty about the abuse, or they may blame themselves – even fear getting in trouble. Offer them unconditional support and decide on a plan together.
While an order of protection is a powerful tool to safely leave an abusive relationship, it does not guarantee safety. We often recommend contacting your local domestic violence program to talk with an advocate. An advocate can explain how to file for an order of protection and work with the victim to develop a safety plan. A safety plan is a personalized plan that can help you avoid dangerous situations and know the best way to react when you are in danger. This plan includes ways to remain safe while in the relationship, a plan to leave, and/or a plan for after you leave. Advocates can also offer additional resources such as counseling and support groups.
Lastly, while there are several states that allow teens under 18 years old to apply for protection without a parent's or guardian’s help, many states require you to have an adult involved.
Find more information here: Special Considerations for Minors
“Does a teenager have the capability to really understand how she is being controlled with language an abuser uses? (Examples: ‘Your parents do not love you like I DO;’ or when called foul names, “Everyone uses that language.’) ~ Anonymous (NY)
Yes, young people do have the capability to understand when abuse is happening in a relationship. One in three adolescents in the U.S. is a victim of physical, sexual, emotional, or verbal abuse from a dating partner, a figure that far exceeds rates of other types of youth violence.
Given that teen dating violence is common, it’s critical to start having conversations with young people early. Conversations may include discussing healthy versus unhealthy relationships, the warning signs of abuse, and how to get help. This demonstrates to a young person that you care and that you are a trusted adult she can turn to when she has questions. Young people often share that the adults in their lives shy away from these conversations, so they turn to friends, media, and other external sources to fill in the gaps.
Teaching young people what a healthy and respectful relationship looks like has the potential to prevent violence before it happens.
“My friend has had some unusual ‘mishaps.’ I was suspicious something was wrong because I’ve noticed her live-in boyfriend belittles her in public. She flinches around him as well. The latest was a bruise on the side of her face, and she made up a ridiculous excuse. We’re usually close – she usually confides in me - but she hasn’t said anything about this. What should I do? I’m worried about her.” ~ Anonymous (NH)
It is difficult when you suspect someone you care about is being hurt. Your help can definitely make difference - and your response to the situation is critically important.
Talking about abuse is exponentially hard; often the person has been diminished to the point she feels the violence is her fault. Do your best to help her feel supported and encouraged. If she feels judged, she may never reach out to anyone. Encourage her by saying, “I care deeply. You are not alone. I am here.” Share numbers to crisis hotlines and underscore that calls are confidential. Explain that no identifying information is asked and advocates can help navigate her questions and concerns as well as offer resources when she is ready.
“How does a mother who has turned to drinking in order to bury verbal and physical abuse get help – especially if she feels she is now seen as an alcoholic, instead of a victim of abuse, by all of those around her?” ~ Anonymous (NY)
In times of great anxiety and distress due to abuse, a person may turn to behaviors that she hopes will decrease her distress - she could turn to food, smoking, alcohol. It becomes critically important to help a victim of domestic violence receive advocacy and support. Prioritizing her safety as well as her children’s safety is essential. Seeking resources such as support groups, counseling and therapy can help her understand how the dynamics of abuse present. Friends and family members may also benefit from calling a crisis hotline to learn the dynamics of domestic violence and how they can offer support.
“I don’t think an order of protection is really going to protect me. I’m afraid to leave my house. Is there anything else I can do to protect myself?” ~ Anonymous (FL)
Protection orders are a legal intervention to reduce the risk of future threat and harm by a person determined to pose a threat. Most Respondents will abide to orders that dictate contact, distance, and support.
However, all protective order situations should be augmented with the development of a safety plan unique to the survivor. The following precautions should be taken: report violations immediately, keep a copy of the order with you at all times, leave copies at your workplace, children’s school, trusted neighbor, and family.
Additionally, consider changing routines where possible - work hours, travel routes, shopping habits. Keep in mind that orders of protection are valid in all jurisdictions - not only in the one that issued it.
Please contact your local domestic violence agency for additional support, particularly in developing your safety plan.
For more information: