Play & Book Excerpts
Penelope's Perils
(A Short Play)
© Roberta Curley
PENELOPE’S PERILS
A short play by Roberta Curley.
Penelope and Percy sit in their living room.
PENELOPE
I can’t wait till the bell tolls for your Aunt Belle.
PERCY
Give my Aunt a break, Penelope. She’s 103 and on life support.
PENELOPE
Can you imagine the blast I’d have with her 70 million bucks?! I’d buy myself a Tahitian island where it never rains. I’d set up my fantasy shop – a beauty salon for the unfathomably rich. I feel it – my time is coming.
PERCY
Whoa, Penelope! The man upstairs put Aunt Belle on this earth. He might not want to collect her till she’s 110. Besides, she’s my only aunt. And she taught me how to play the piccolo. (Beat) I’d never be a successful undertaker without her encouragement.
PENELOPE
Percy, Imagine not having to work again! She could be the last body you ever bury.
PERCY
You can’t play this way, Penelope. Think of Belle as a mountain, Mt. Rushmore if you will. Only time can move mountains. (Beat) You’re satisfied with our marital bliss, aren’t you? Why would 70 million dollars alter that?
PENELOPE
(Getting up) You know Percy, I have never told you this…
As Penelope gets up she stumbles and almost falls. Percy rescues her and sits her back down. He pulls her rollator in front of her from where it was being stored hidden from view.
PENELOPE
This damn rollator, Percy! I chose the purple to make a fashion statement. Now orange is the new purple. People stare at me like I’m a purple people-eater.
PERCY
Tut, tut, Penelope. You’re my little girl no matter what color your wheels.
PENELOPE
Dr. Pfluvenstrudel said I’m a 57 year old woman in my prime. Do I feel, look and act it? Percy, am I a sexpot – even though I am on disability?
PERCY
Penelope, your disability check provides us with a wild card till we win the Lottery – and my Aunt Belle enters the Great Beyond.
PENELOPE
Are my severe arthritis, horrific hot flashes and meteoric migraines a turnoff to you, Percy? I simply can’t invite you into our bed of marital bliss – though your stiffness I miss. (Beat) Percy, you don’t love me anymore!
PERCY
Penelope!
PENELOPE
My self-esteem is drowning in a tsunami of recriminations. I have an inferiority complex the size of Watergate.
PERCY
Do you truly love my soul? You haven’t told me that in a long time.
They sit silent for a long time.
PERCY
Could you possibly know I was two-timing you with Ellen the embalmer? (Beat)
PENELOPE
(Gasping) No!
PERCY
Since you began posting post-its on our boudoir door alerting me of your twice-weekly migraines. What was I to do? Ellen is a pill but she has become the light of my life. And, she understands death.
PENELOPE
So I do get migraines and very hot flashes! And if you ever felt the agony of either ailment, you wouldn’t want to go to bed with anyone either. But, now you have the nerve to tell me you’ve been shtupping Ellen the embalmer?? And you recount your affair with her in such a matter of fact way. (Beat) I would kill you right now if I had a hatchet. So if I were you, I wouldn’t get too close. (Beat) And why pour this ghoulish news out now?
PERCY
It feels great to make a clean breast of things. I thought it would be difficult to open up to you. (Beat) You’re taking it like a champ, Penelope.
Percy gets up and sits next to Penelope.
PERCY
To me Penelope, you’re heaven slathered with honey. Come here. Sit on my lap, sweetie. Let’s play you’re the Mommy. I’m Baby. Clutch me like an oyster grasps its pearl. Poke me, prod me, peck me! Be my pacifier.
Penelope pauses and takes in Percy. Finally, she puts her hand on his.
PENELOPE
I’m starting to fall for you again, Percy! Is it possible after your infidelity, your putrid formaldehyde bedtime smell – that I feel that we’re Romeo and Juliet in a playpen? This rekindling of my emotions flabbergasts me. Though you’re penniless and you partially disgust me, there’s something about you…that pleases me. You and Aunt Belle are my family. (Beat) How is Aunt Belle? When did you last see her?
PERCY
I’m flummoxed and flattered by your feelings, Penelope. Though Ellen the embalmer thinks I smell terrific. She isn’t disgusted by me in any way, and she prays with two sets of rosary beads, three times a day, for the good health of Aunt Belle. You’re constantly praying for Aunt Belle’s demise.
PENELOPE
Why on good God’s earth would I want to kill any member of your family, Percy? Besides, Aunt Belle is as strong as a brick house – even if her marbles are teetering. (Beat) Do you know how long your penniless undertaking job has kept me from MY OWN SHOP!! That is all I have ever wanted. Have you ever cared? I don’t know where your dead-body dough goes. Where DO you take Ellen the Embalmer, to Michelin rated restaurants and Broadway shows? Do you lavish Ellen with Diamond District jewels and Bergdorf Goodman garb? Do you play “undertaker/embalmer” games with her? Do you talk about eternity and promise you’ll spend it with her? (Beat) You’re so calm about everything. And so guiltless! So why can’t you understand that my life would be so much more pleasurable if I knocked off Aunt Belle? Damn it, Percy, we all have our dreams. Mine is to run an upscale hair salon in Tahiti. I’ll split Belle’s 70 million with you. I’ll even consider granting you a divorce.
Percy gets up contemplating Penelope’s offer.
Penelope quietly takes a syringe out of her rollator.
PERCY
Dearest Penelope, you know divorce is not an option in the Catholic religion. Adultery is another story altogether. Besides, I love you with all my heart.
He turns away from Penelope and she comes closer.
When I think of the good old days, the wild sex, the drinking binges. But time moves on. I feel the good lord wants me to have fun at this stage in my life. I’m sure he wants you to have fun too. One day, maybe, you’ll win the Lottery and come into a fortune. Then your dream of Tahiti will come true. But I draw the line at killing my aunt.
Penelope comes to Percy to embrace him and pokes him with the syringe.
PENELOPE
Here my darling, while you’re ruminating…
He looks at Penelope, staggers, and falls to the floor.
PERCY
I don’t want to die.
PENELOPE
Do give Aunt Belle my love, when you see her in hell.
A short play by Roberta Curley.
Penelope and Percy sit in their living room.
PENELOPE
I can’t wait till the bell tolls for your Aunt Belle.
PERCY
Give my Aunt a break, Penelope. She’s 103 and on life support.
PENELOPE
Can you imagine the blast I’d have with her 70 million bucks?! I’d buy myself a Tahitian island where it never rains. I’d set up my fantasy shop – a beauty salon for the unfathomably rich. I feel it – my time is coming.
PERCY
Whoa, Penelope! The man upstairs put Aunt Belle on this earth. He might not want to collect her till she’s 110. Besides, she’s my only aunt. And she taught me how to play the piccolo. (Beat) I’d never be a successful undertaker without her encouragement.
PENELOPE
Percy, Imagine not having to work again! She could be the last body you ever bury.
PERCY
You can’t play this way, Penelope. Think of Belle as a mountain, Mt. Rushmore if you will. Only time can move mountains. (Beat) You’re satisfied with our marital bliss, aren’t you? Why would 70 million dollars alter that?
PENELOPE
(Getting up) You know Percy, I have never told you this…
As Penelope gets up she stumbles and almost falls. Percy rescues her and sits her back down. He pulls her rollator in front of her from where it was being stored hidden from view.
PENELOPE
This damn rollator, Percy! I chose the purple to make a fashion statement. Now orange is the new purple. People stare at me like I’m a purple people-eater.
PERCY
Tut, tut, Penelope. You’re my little girl no matter what color your wheels.
PENELOPE
Dr. Pfluvenstrudel said I’m a 57 year old woman in my prime. Do I feel, look and act it? Percy, am I a sexpot – even though I am on disability?
PERCY
Penelope, your disability check provides us with a wild card till we win the Lottery – and my Aunt Belle enters the Great Beyond.
PENELOPE
Are my severe arthritis, horrific hot flashes and meteoric migraines a turnoff to you, Percy? I simply can’t invite you into our bed of marital bliss – though your stiffness I miss. (Beat) Percy, you don’t love me anymore!
PERCY
Penelope!
PENELOPE
My self-esteem is drowning in a tsunami of recriminations. I have an inferiority complex the size of Watergate.
PERCY
Do you truly love my soul? You haven’t told me that in a long time.
They sit silent for a long time.
PERCY
Could you possibly know I was two-timing you with Ellen the embalmer? (Beat)
PENELOPE
(Gasping) No!
PERCY
Since you began posting post-its on our boudoir door alerting me of your twice-weekly migraines. What was I to do? Ellen is a pill but she has become the light of my life. And, she understands death.
PENELOPE
So I do get migraines and very hot flashes! And if you ever felt the agony of either ailment, you wouldn’t want to go to bed with anyone either. But, now you have the nerve to tell me you’ve been shtupping Ellen the embalmer?? And you recount your affair with her in such a matter of fact way. (Beat) I would kill you right now if I had a hatchet. So if I were you, I wouldn’t get too close. (Beat) And why pour this ghoulish news out now?
PERCY
It feels great to make a clean breast of things. I thought it would be difficult to open up to you. (Beat) You’re taking it like a champ, Penelope.
Percy gets up and sits next to Penelope.
PERCY
To me Penelope, you’re heaven slathered with honey. Come here. Sit on my lap, sweetie. Let’s play you’re the Mommy. I’m Baby. Clutch me like an oyster grasps its pearl. Poke me, prod me, peck me! Be my pacifier.
Penelope pauses and takes in Percy. Finally, she puts her hand on his.
PENELOPE
I’m starting to fall for you again, Percy! Is it possible after your infidelity, your putrid formaldehyde bedtime smell – that I feel that we’re Romeo and Juliet in a playpen? This rekindling of my emotions flabbergasts me. Though you’re penniless and you partially disgust me, there’s something about you…that pleases me. You and Aunt Belle are my family. (Beat) How is Aunt Belle? When did you last see her?
PERCY
I’m flummoxed and flattered by your feelings, Penelope. Though Ellen the embalmer thinks I smell terrific. She isn’t disgusted by me in any way, and she prays with two sets of rosary beads, three times a day, for the good health of Aunt Belle. You’re constantly praying for Aunt Belle’s demise.
PENELOPE
Why on good God’s earth would I want to kill any member of your family, Percy? Besides, Aunt Belle is as strong as a brick house – even if her marbles are teetering. (Beat) Do you know how long your penniless undertaking job has kept me from MY OWN SHOP!! That is all I have ever wanted. Have you ever cared? I don’t know where your dead-body dough goes. Where DO you take Ellen the Embalmer, to Michelin rated restaurants and Broadway shows? Do you lavish Ellen with Diamond District jewels and Bergdorf Goodman garb? Do you play “undertaker/embalmer” games with her? Do you talk about eternity and promise you’ll spend it with her? (Beat) You’re so calm about everything. And so guiltless! So why can’t you understand that my life would be so much more pleasurable if I knocked off Aunt Belle? Damn it, Percy, we all have our dreams. Mine is to run an upscale hair salon in Tahiti. I’ll split Belle’s 70 million with you. I’ll even consider granting you a divorce.
Percy gets up contemplating Penelope’s offer.
Penelope quietly takes a syringe out of her rollator.
PERCY
Dearest Penelope, you know divorce is not an option in the Catholic religion. Adultery is another story altogether. Besides, I love you with all my heart.
He turns away from Penelope and she comes closer.
When I think of the good old days, the wild sex, the drinking binges. But time moves on. I feel the good lord wants me to have fun at this stage in my life. I’m sure he wants you to have fun too. One day, maybe, you’ll win the Lottery and come into a fortune. Then your dream of Tahiti will come true. But I draw the line at killing my aunt.
Penelope comes to Percy to embrace him and pokes him with the syringe.
PENELOPE
Here my darling, while you’re ruminating…
He looks at Penelope, staggers, and falls to the floor.
PERCY
I don’t want to die.
PENELOPE
Do give Aunt Belle my love, when you see her in hell.
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Roberta Curley has lived in the West Village for forty-five years. She graduated from the University of Pennsylvania with a degree in English. She is not a logomaniac, but she is a word lover. That passion for wordplay surfaced in 2006 while journaling. A simple rhyming poem about the animal kingdom found its way to the page, and she hasn’t stopped writing poetry (or prose) since.
Today, Roberta teaches a weekly poetry class at Westbeth Older Adult Center - a major joy. Her works have been published in: NYC Writers Coalition e-Journal, New York Times Metropolitan Diary, Sanctuary Magazine, Thrive Global, Q Review Anthologies, Tamarind, Westview News, and Jefferson Market Library Poetry Workshop Anthologies. Her poem “Palm Fronds” appeared in the spring 2019 issue of Penn Review. Her dominant themes include feeling alone amid throngs of people and the struggle to overcome adversity and loss. She also relies on humor, especially satire, and she dwells on the complexities of love. For inspiration, she tries to judge her inner feelings, then focus on what’s going on around her. Roberta is still writing poetry, but she has been flirting with dialogue. A short play has emerged, published here. |
Photo Courtesy: Roberta Curley
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