Relationship and Dating Advice for Women with Autism
Q&A with Autism Sexuality Advocate & Consultant
Amy Gravino
April 2024
Amy Gravino
Photo Courtesy: Amy Gravino
Photo Courtesy: Amy Gravino
Amy discusses the ins and outs of dating and navigating relationships for women on the autism spectrum.
What are some issues that arise with long-term relationships for women on the spectrum?
Long-term relationships can carry many challenges for both women and men on the autism spectrum. Autistic and neurotypical women alike are expected to shoulder the emotional load in relationships, and these demands often come at the expense of our own well-being and mental health. For autistic women, the desire to please and make our partners happy is often overwhelming, to where it becomes difficult to tell if or when we are neglecting our own needs. Differing sensory needs, emotional needs, and sexual preferences coupled with the communication challenges faced by autistic women (especially in autistic/neurotypical or ‘mixed neurology’ relationships) also add to the challenges of establishing and maintaining long-term relationships.
Long-term relationships can carry many challenges for both women and men on the autism spectrum. Autistic and neurotypical women alike are expected to shoulder the emotional load in relationships, and these demands often come at the expense of our own well-being and mental health. For autistic women, the desire to please and make our partners happy is often overwhelming, to where it becomes difficult to tell if or when we are neglecting our own needs. Differing sensory needs, emotional needs, and sexual preferences coupled with the communication challenges faced by autistic women (especially in autistic/neurotypical or ‘mixed neurology’ relationships) also add to the challenges of establishing and maintaining long-term relationships.
"Mixed neurology relationships come with their own unique set of challenges, but it is important for autistic women to know that if something goes wrong in a relationship with a neurotypical that does not mean it is their fault." ~ Amy Gravino |
Any specific tips for those in a relationship with a neurotypical?
Mixed neurology relationships come with their own unique set of challenges, but it is important for autistic women to know that if something goes wrong in a relationship with a neurotypical that does not mean it is their fault. Relationships require continuous work from both people, and your partner being neurotypical does not automatically make them ‘right’ or you ‘wrong.’
Neurotypicals often have difficulty because being upfront and direct is so often discouraged and considered to be an ‘attack’ on someone, but that does not mean you should avoid being upfront and direct. What you have to say in your relationship matters, and anyone who genuinely cares about you will not shame you or put you down for wanting your voice and needs to be heard.
Any specific tips for those in a relationship with a neurotypical?
Mixed neurology relationships come with their own unique set of challenges, but it is important for autistic women to know that if something goes wrong in a relationship with a neurotypical that does not mean it is their fault. Relationships require continuous work from both people, and your partner being neurotypical does not automatically make them ‘right’ or you ‘wrong.’
Neurotypicals often have difficulty because being upfront and direct is so often discouraged and considered to be an ‘attack’ on someone, but that does not mean you should avoid being upfront and direct. What you have to say in your relationship matters, and anyone who genuinely cares about you will not shame you or put you down for wanting your voice and needs to be heard.
What should women be careful about when meeting someone for the first time in terms of safety? With online dating apps being today’s norm, it gets even trickier to read someone’s intentions.
Nowadays, there are so many new ways of meeting people, from meetup groups to dating apps. When meeting someone for the first time, always meet in a public place, never at your home or the other person’s home. Notify a friend or family member ahead of time, so you can call or text if you start to feel uncomfortable or need a way out of the date. Remember, too, that not everyone tells the truth online, so be careful about accepting everything someone says at face value.
Nowadays, there are so many new ways of meeting people, from meetup groups to dating apps. When meeting someone for the first time, always meet in a public place, never at your home or the other person’s home. Notify a friend or family member ahead of time, so you can call or text if you start to feel uncomfortable or need a way out of the date. Remember, too, that not everyone tells the truth online, so be careful about accepting everything someone says at face value.
Most of all, listen to your instincts. The world tells us that we have to be ‘nice’ and ‘polite’ all the time, and that as autistic women, our instincts are ‘wrong’ because we are not neurotypical. But that little voice inside of you is there for a reason, and you do not ever have to stay on a date or be with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable or afraid.
"You are allowed to feel your feelings, and you do not need permission from anyone else to feel them." ~ Amy Gravino |
Impulse control: It's somewhat typical for those on the spectrum to jump in too fast. Any tips for taking things slow and not pushing for too much too soon?
As a woman on the autism spectrum, when I have feelings for someone, it tends to be an ‘all or nothing’ situation: I either have full-on feelings for someone, or I do not have feelings for them at all. It can be very difficult to regulate those emotions and not overwhelm the other person, even if that isn’t my intention. As a teenager, I had classmates tell me that I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to have a crush on someone. This not only destroyed my self-esteem, but it was also the beginning of that overwhelming need to push for too much. What I have realized is that my reason for pushing was because I wanted the other person to validate my feelings, to let me know that it was okay to feel what I felt.
You are allowed to feel your feelings, and you do not need permission from anyone else to feel them. Knowing who you are and what you want from a relationship helps to ease that need to push for too much, and it will make the other person feel more comfortable knowing that they have the space and time to figure out their own feelings.
What about disclosure? Do you have any suggestions about if/when someone should share that they are on the spectrum?
Disclosure is a deeply personal choice and is different for every autistic person. Finding the right time to have that conversation can be difficult, especially gauging how the other person will react to this information. It can be something that is briefly mentioned at first and later becomes the subject of a deeper discussion.
As an autism sexuality advocate and public speaker, being on the spectrum is integral to the work that I do, and I am now at a point in my life where I won’t spend my time or energy on someone who has a problem with my being autistic. But I know this is not the case for everyone, and while there is no hard and fast rule for disclosure, the choice to disclose is yours alone. Above all else, if you feel unsafe or just not yet ready, you do not have to disclose to someone that you are on the spectrum.
How important is finding someone with similar interests?
Similar interests can be a great way to begin a conversation and connect with someone. For many autistic people, however, being able to share a special interest with someone (even if that person does not share the interest) is just as important. Sharing similar interests can be wonderful, but what matters more is having someone who values and respects your interests even if they are different from theirs. A person who loves and cares about you will uplift the things you enjoy and will never put you down or make you feel less because you enjoy them.
Is there anything you'd like to share about how to navigate a fear or reluctancy when it comes to intimacy?
Although we tend to think of intimacy as sexual, intimacy can mean several different things. We engage in different types of intimacy. Besides sexual intimacy, physical, emotional and intellectual intimacy are equally important. For many people, intimacy means vulnerability, and it can be scary or overwhelming to let yourself be vulnerable with someone.
As an autistic woman, I have found that there is an inherent vulnerability that many of us share, which often leads to being taken advantage of or abused. But I have also learned how powerful intimacy can be, and that it can mean basking in the glow of post-coital bliss and having conversations with a lover that you never dreamed would be possible but realize, ‘This is for me. I can have this, after all.’ Fears about intimacy are completely normal, but believing that you deserve genuine intimacy and closeness with a partner can go a very long way to changing your own perceptions of intimacy and what you will or won’t settle for.
Do you have any general suggestions for neurotypicals reading this who may be experiencing challenges with their autistic partner?
As mentioned previously, mixed neurology relationships have the potential for immense satisfaction and happiness, but you might also face numerous obstacles. For neurotypicals, remember that first and foremost you are dating a person, not a diagnosis. Reading a checklist of autism symptoms may help you to better understand autism, but the only way to better understand your partner is by getting to know them as an individual. When your partner expresses a concern or fear or opinion, never minimize or dismiss what they are feeling by saying ‘you only feel that way because you’re autistic.’ Give your autistic partner time to process information that you share, and also remember that if someone does not respond in the way you expect them to, that does not make their feelings or how they do respond any less valid.
Relationships are not perfect, but despite — or perhaps even because of — your differences, you and your partner can still be perfect for each other.
Amy Gravino, M.A., is an autism sexuality advocate and Relationship Coach at the Center for Adult Autism Services at Rutgers University. She is also the President of A.S.C.O.T Consulting, which offers autism consulting, college coaching, and mentoring services for organizations, schools, individuals on the autism spectrum, and their families.
Amy is an international speaker who has given TED talks, spoken twice at the United Nations for World Autism Awareness Day, and presented worldwide to audiences on a variety of topics related to autism, with a dedicated special focus and research on the subject of autism and sexuality. Amy obtained her master’s degree in applied behavior analysis from Caldwell University in 2010 and currently serves on the Boards of Directors of Yes She Can, Inc. and the Golden Door International Film Festival of Jersey City, as well as the Scientific Advisory Board of Simons Foundation Powering Autism Research (SPARK). She is an award-winning writer who has co-authored a chapter on autism and sexuality in the Handbook of Quality of Life for Individuals with Autism Spectrum Disorder, and her work has been featured in Spectrum, the leading online news source for autism research, and other outlets.
Amy is an international speaker who has given TED talks, spoken twice at the United Nations for World Autism Awareness Day, and presented worldwide to audiences on a variety of topics related to autism, with a dedicated special focus and research on the subject of autism and sexuality. Amy obtained her master’s degree in applied behavior analysis from Caldwell University in 2010 and currently serves on the Boards of Directors of Yes She Can, Inc. and the Golden Door International Film Festival of Jersey City, as well as the Scientific Advisory Board of Simons Foundation Powering Autism Research (SPARK). She is an award-winning writer who has co-authored a chapter on autism and sexuality in the Handbook of Quality of Life for Individuals with Autism Spectrum Disorder, and her work has been featured in Spectrum, the leading online news source for autism research, and other outlets.