Ask an Expert
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SEPTEMBER TOPIC: Grandparents as Daily Caregivers
Kathleen Stassen Berger, Ph.D.
Professor of Developmental Psychology & Author (with her grandson) |
OUR EXPERT:
Kathleen Stassen Berger, Ph.D., is a professor of developmental psychology at CUNY’s Bronx Community College, a leading expert on human development, and an author. Her latest book, Grandmothering: Building Strong Ties with Every Generation (Rowman & Littlefield), which advocates for grandmothers to have an important role in raising each new generation, will be released in November. Combining her own experiences as a grandmother of three and a deep knowledge of academic research, Kathleen surveys our changing families and the marginalization of seniors - especially older women - and claims a space for grandmothers in the lives of their grandchildren. Kathleen is also the author of one of the leading textbooks in human development, The Developing Person through the Life Span, 10th Edition (Worth Publishers). This textbook is studied by college students throughout the U.S., has been translated into five languages, and has been adopted by professors in 12 countries. |
“I just got a new job and recently asked my mom to watch my son four days per week. She is thrilled, but she refuses to take money. I feel uncomfortable asking her for that kind of commitment without compensating her in some way. Do you see a compromise?” ~ Amy (TX)
Hello Amy,
Wonderful that she wants to care for your child, and I appreciate that you want to pay her, but you need to understand that she wants to be grandma, which is a much different role than paid caregiver. The market world and family world are far apart, and your wish to pay might be insulting, not benevolent. Think how you would feel if your husband paid you for sex! Some things we do for love, and grandchild care is one of them. The reward is not money, but in watching the child grow. If you want to do more than simply express appreciation, the ‘compromise’ might be a contribution in her name to a charity that she would like, not the one you might choose for yourself.
“My daughter is very health conscious and usually only buys organic foods. I’m retired, and these products are usually expensive. My grandson is five, and I watch him every day from after school until dinnertime. I also watch him on days that school is not in session, so he’s eating breakfast and lunch with me on those days. I don’t think I have to buy organic produce. It’s not like I’m feeding him junk food. Any suggestions for how I should approach my daughter?” ~ Anonymous (NJ)
Anonymous,
The money solution is easy: Tell your daughter that you are happy to feed him organic, but it costs more, so you would really appreciate a food allowance.
But there is a much deeper issue here. Food is emotional for mothers and grandmothers, and it can become a wedge that destroys the grandmother-mother alliance, harming the grandchild. On the merits, you may be right. Many young parents exaggerate the harm from non-organic. However, since she has strong opinions, and she is the mother, and organic is not harmful, it’s best to do as she wants. Your true priority is to be supportive of her love and concern for your grandson, and if she believes that he should eat organic, you lose more than you gain in disagreeing.
“My daughter and son-in-law have asked me to watch my two grandchildren three days per week. They’re both in preschool. I’m hesitant for a couple of reasons. Since retirement, I’ve had more freedom to do the things I always wanted to do. I’m taking an art class, and I’m meeting friends for lunch on a regular basis. I’m also worried about the change in relationship with the little ones. Right now, I feel like I can spoil them because I’m not with them all of the time. I’m thinking of telling her I cannot do it three days per week, but I’ll stand in as a substitute. I’m feeling guilty, though, and worried she’ll think I’m selfish. What do you think I should do? ~ Kelly (NH)
Hello Kelly,
This is a hard one. It is not easy to find the right balance between having your own life and being an active, helpful grandmother. My book has an entire chapter about too much grandmothering and another chapter on too little grandmothering. The fact that you worry about being selfish, and that you say you spoil the grandchildren, makes me think you are edging toward the 'too little.' Figure out your priorities over the next decade, realizing that preschoolers grow up fast and that your lunch dates and art classes can be scheduled so you can also do child care.
As you see, I am inclined to say that you probably should do the three days. However, each family is a dynamic system, so this might not be best. In any case, talk with your daughter to make sure she doesn’t think you have time on your hands!
“I’m going back to work, and my husband wants us to ask his mom to be our son’s nanny during the week. I’m opposed. I don’t really get along with her that well, but he wants to save money. I don’t think she has the same parenting style as me, and I don’t want to be beholden to her. Any suggestions for keeping the peace?” ~ Anonymous
Anonymous,
Wonderful that you realize that ‘keeping the peace’ is important. Think of how your husband might feel if you forbid the woman who raised him to care for his children.
As for parenting style, talk with that grandmother about how you are raising the children and why, and ask her not to undermine your efforts. If she does something you think is really harmful - such as punishing them when and how you would not - talk with your husband about the specifics, and tell her not to do it. But you, the children and the marriage might lose more than you gain if you say no. Fortunately, children are resilient, and a good relationship with their grandmother and your loving relationship with your husband will benefit everyone over the years. Don’t feel ‘beholden’ – it’s really quite the opposite. She should be grateful to you that you are sharing the joy of parenting with her! And maybe the two of you will get along better when you both can talk about the children.
The reality is that many of us mothers feel that no one - grandmothers, hired nanny’s, fathers, preschool teachers - is quite as good a caregiver as we are. Of course, we know that we are not perfect, but we believe that our dedication is supreme. However, children benefit from having many people who love and care for them…so try to share.
Hello Amy,
Wonderful that she wants to care for your child, and I appreciate that you want to pay her, but you need to understand that she wants to be grandma, which is a much different role than paid caregiver. The market world and family world are far apart, and your wish to pay might be insulting, not benevolent. Think how you would feel if your husband paid you for sex! Some things we do for love, and grandchild care is one of them. The reward is not money, but in watching the child grow. If you want to do more than simply express appreciation, the ‘compromise’ might be a contribution in her name to a charity that she would like, not the one you might choose for yourself.
“My daughter is very health conscious and usually only buys organic foods. I’m retired, and these products are usually expensive. My grandson is five, and I watch him every day from after school until dinnertime. I also watch him on days that school is not in session, so he’s eating breakfast and lunch with me on those days. I don’t think I have to buy organic produce. It’s not like I’m feeding him junk food. Any suggestions for how I should approach my daughter?” ~ Anonymous (NJ)
Anonymous,
The money solution is easy: Tell your daughter that you are happy to feed him organic, but it costs more, so you would really appreciate a food allowance.
But there is a much deeper issue here. Food is emotional for mothers and grandmothers, and it can become a wedge that destroys the grandmother-mother alliance, harming the grandchild. On the merits, you may be right. Many young parents exaggerate the harm from non-organic. However, since she has strong opinions, and she is the mother, and organic is not harmful, it’s best to do as she wants. Your true priority is to be supportive of her love and concern for your grandson, and if she believes that he should eat organic, you lose more than you gain in disagreeing.
“My daughter and son-in-law have asked me to watch my two grandchildren three days per week. They’re both in preschool. I’m hesitant for a couple of reasons. Since retirement, I’ve had more freedom to do the things I always wanted to do. I’m taking an art class, and I’m meeting friends for lunch on a regular basis. I’m also worried about the change in relationship with the little ones. Right now, I feel like I can spoil them because I’m not with them all of the time. I’m thinking of telling her I cannot do it three days per week, but I’ll stand in as a substitute. I’m feeling guilty, though, and worried she’ll think I’m selfish. What do you think I should do? ~ Kelly (NH)
Hello Kelly,
This is a hard one. It is not easy to find the right balance between having your own life and being an active, helpful grandmother. My book has an entire chapter about too much grandmothering and another chapter on too little grandmothering. The fact that you worry about being selfish, and that you say you spoil the grandchildren, makes me think you are edging toward the 'too little.' Figure out your priorities over the next decade, realizing that preschoolers grow up fast and that your lunch dates and art classes can be scheduled so you can also do child care.
As you see, I am inclined to say that you probably should do the three days. However, each family is a dynamic system, so this might not be best. In any case, talk with your daughter to make sure she doesn’t think you have time on your hands!
“I’m going back to work, and my husband wants us to ask his mom to be our son’s nanny during the week. I’m opposed. I don’t really get along with her that well, but he wants to save money. I don’t think she has the same parenting style as me, and I don’t want to be beholden to her. Any suggestions for keeping the peace?” ~ Anonymous
Anonymous,
Wonderful that you realize that ‘keeping the peace’ is important. Think of how your husband might feel if you forbid the woman who raised him to care for his children.
As for parenting style, talk with that grandmother about how you are raising the children and why, and ask her not to undermine your efforts. If she does something you think is really harmful - such as punishing them when and how you would not - talk with your husband about the specifics, and tell her not to do it. But you, the children and the marriage might lose more than you gain if you say no. Fortunately, children are resilient, and a good relationship with their grandmother and your loving relationship with your husband will benefit everyone over the years. Don’t feel ‘beholden’ – it’s really quite the opposite. She should be grateful to you that you are sharing the joy of parenting with her! And maybe the two of you will get along better when you both can talk about the children.
The reality is that many of us mothers feel that no one - grandmothers, hired nanny’s, fathers, preschool teachers - is quite as good a caregiver as we are. Of course, we know that we are not perfect, but we believe that our dedication is supreme. However, children benefit from having many people who love and care for them…so try to share.
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