Ask an Expert
SEPTEMBER TOPIC: Back-to-School Concerns
Eileen Kennedy-Moore, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychologist and Author (Photo Credit: Brenna Kennedy-Moore) |
OUR EXPERT:
Eileen Kennedy-Moore, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ and a mom of four. Her newest book for children is Growing Friendships: A Kid’s Guide to Making and Keeping Friends. She has also written three books for parents, Kid Confidence, Smart Parenting for Smart Kids and The Unwritten Rules of Friendship, plus an audio-video series from The Great Courses®, Raising Emotionally and Socially Healthy Kids. A trusted expert on parenting and child development, Eileen serves on the advisory board for Parents Magazine, and her blog on Psychology Today has over 2.5 million views. She speaks at schools and conferences and is often featured in major media. |
“I was always concerned that my kids had friends in their classes. I didn’t want them to feel alone or be bullied. Having a friend makes that less likely. Violence has become much worse over the years, too. I would feel more comfortable as a parent if a cop is on campus at all times and if all doors are locked so that visitors have to be buzzed to enter. With this in mind, what can parents do to be sure school personnel are doing everything they can to keep the students safe?” ~ Anita (FL)
Hi, Anita. I couldn't agree more about the importance of children's friendships! Research - and our own experience - tells us that when children have a friend who also likes them back, they are happier, more engaged in school, and less likely to be bullied.
Regarding your concerns about school safety: I'm not an expert on this issue, but I do know that there are a lot of options. As parents, we can take comfort in the fact that school shootings are exceedingly rare and most schools have regular lockdown drills and other safety measures in place. Schools are always strapped for money and resources, so we need to encourage school personnel to make wise choices that address legitimate risks while also staying focused on the priority of education. Two sets of locked and monitored front doors, visitor check-ins, security cameras, plus keycards for other doors are obvious and relatively inexpensive precautions. Telephones, radios, or other communication systems connecting classrooms to the front office also seem essential. About one-third of schools have an armed police officer present. Some schools use unarmed security officers. To be helpful, safety officers need to be extremely well-trained in techniques such as de-escalation and collaborative problem-solving as well as topics such as child development, developmental disabilities, and implicit racial bias. We don't want to criminalize ordinary misbehavior.
I urge you to speak with your principal about it. Perhaps you can volunteer on the safety committee at your child's school.
“My son is entering middle school. I worry about the change – the size of the school and unfamiliar staff and students. Will he be able to acclimate to a new school environment? Sometimes he has trouble making new friends and adjusting to a new school. Any tips?” ~ Elizabeth (PA)
Hi, Elizabeth. The transition to a new school can be daunting for kids. He will definitely adjust, just as he's adjusted to every previous school year, but having or finding friends can definitely make this transition easier. The key thing your son needs to know is that kids make friends by doing fun things together. What is he interested in that he could do with other kids his age? Consider school clubs, but also outside-school activities or volunteer work. Also, encourage your son to show openness to friendship. Too often, kids who feel uncomfortable in social situations avoid eye contact, sit or stand apart from everyone, and don't engage in conversation. They're focused on their own discomfort, but the message they're sending to everyone is "I don't want anything to do with you!" Instead, your child can smile and greet people, make an effort to remember names, offer genuine compliments, or ask interested questions beginning with “what” or “how” to get a conversation going.
“I get worried about the bullying. My son does not like to use the bathrooms with certain kids in there. I tell my son to talk to us – or tell someone else - if anyone ever says something to make him feel bad or if someone hurts him in any way. Another thing that concerns me is trying to manage all the nights with sports and homework - that makes me crazy. And because my son struggles, we need more help.” ~ Heather (NY)
Hi, Heather. It's important to distinguish between ordinary meanness and real bullying. Children are impulsive and their empathy isn't fully developed, so they often do or say insensitive or less-than-kind things, especially if they're upset or in the middle of a conflict. I'm not excusing this behavior at all. I'm just saying that ordinary meanness is usually something that children can manage on their own. Bullying, on the other hand, is a different matter. It involves deliberate, targeted meanness, usually over a period of time, and most importantly, there's a power difference because the child doing the bullying is bigger, older, tougher, or more socially powerful than the child being targeted. This is what makes it difficult or impossible for the child being targeted to deal with bullying without adult help. Possible strategies for dealing with ordinary meanness include standing near friends or a teacher, responding to teasing with a bored comment, such as "So what?", or saying in a calm but loud voice (so the teacher and other kids hear), "That was a mean thing to say," and then walking away.
Here are some links to free articles about children's friendships that you might find useful:
Hi, Anita. I couldn't agree more about the importance of children's friendships! Research - and our own experience - tells us that when children have a friend who also likes them back, they are happier, more engaged in school, and less likely to be bullied.
Regarding your concerns about school safety: I'm not an expert on this issue, but I do know that there are a lot of options. As parents, we can take comfort in the fact that school shootings are exceedingly rare and most schools have regular lockdown drills and other safety measures in place. Schools are always strapped for money and resources, so we need to encourage school personnel to make wise choices that address legitimate risks while also staying focused on the priority of education. Two sets of locked and monitored front doors, visitor check-ins, security cameras, plus keycards for other doors are obvious and relatively inexpensive precautions. Telephones, radios, or other communication systems connecting classrooms to the front office also seem essential. About one-third of schools have an armed police officer present. Some schools use unarmed security officers. To be helpful, safety officers need to be extremely well-trained in techniques such as de-escalation and collaborative problem-solving as well as topics such as child development, developmental disabilities, and implicit racial bias. We don't want to criminalize ordinary misbehavior.
I urge you to speak with your principal about it. Perhaps you can volunteer on the safety committee at your child's school.
“My son is entering middle school. I worry about the change – the size of the school and unfamiliar staff and students. Will he be able to acclimate to a new school environment? Sometimes he has trouble making new friends and adjusting to a new school. Any tips?” ~ Elizabeth (PA)
Hi, Elizabeth. The transition to a new school can be daunting for kids. He will definitely adjust, just as he's adjusted to every previous school year, but having or finding friends can definitely make this transition easier. The key thing your son needs to know is that kids make friends by doing fun things together. What is he interested in that he could do with other kids his age? Consider school clubs, but also outside-school activities or volunteer work. Also, encourage your son to show openness to friendship. Too often, kids who feel uncomfortable in social situations avoid eye contact, sit or stand apart from everyone, and don't engage in conversation. They're focused on their own discomfort, but the message they're sending to everyone is "I don't want anything to do with you!" Instead, your child can smile and greet people, make an effort to remember names, offer genuine compliments, or ask interested questions beginning with “what” or “how” to get a conversation going.
“I get worried about the bullying. My son does not like to use the bathrooms with certain kids in there. I tell my son to talk to us – or tell someone else - if anyone ever says something to make him feel bad or if someone hurts him in any way. Another thing that concerns me is trying to manage all the nights with sports and homework - that makes me crazy. And because my son struggles, we need more help.” ~ Heather (NY)
Hi, Heather. It's important to distinguish between ordinary meanness and real bullying. Children are impulsive and their empathy isn't fully developed, so they often do or say insensitive or less-than-kind things, especially if they're upset or in the middle of a conflict. I'm not excusing this behavior at all. I'm just saying that ordinary meanness is usually something that children can manage on their own. Bullying, on the other hand, is a different matter. It involves deliberate, targeted meanness, usually over a period of time, and most importantly, there's a power difference because the child doing the bullying is bigger, older, tougher, or more socially powerful than the child being targeted. This is what makes it difficult or impossible for the child being targeted to deal with bullying without adult help. Possible strategies for dealing with ordinary meanness include standing near friends or a teacher, responding to teasing with a bored comment, such as "So what?", or saying in a calm but loud voice (so the teacher and other kids hear), "That was a mean thing to say," and then walking away.
Here are some links to free articles about children's friendships that you might find useful:
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For more information:
Read Eileen's Blog at Psychology Today:
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Eileen's video lectures available:
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