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SEPTEMBER TOPIC: Solving Long-Term Relationship Issues
Grace Malonai, Ph.D., LPCC
Psychotherapist & Owner of TheraThrive |
OUR EXPERT: Grace Malonai, Ph.D., LPCC, is a Board Certified-TeleMental Health Provider (BC-TMH) who has provided psychotherapy services in the San Francisco area since 1998. She is owner and director at TheraThrive, a counseling, assessment and consultation practice. Grace is also co-founder of Gifted Identity, on the advisory panel of Gro-Gifted, a regional coordinator for California Association for Licensed Professional Clinical Counselors, and an adjunct professor at St. Mary’s College of California since 2003. Grace has contributed to various books, magazines, newsletters and blogs. As a regular presenter at local events and national conferences, she is able to share her knowledge and passion on various topics, including those that focus on giftedness, high sensitivity, high-functioning autism, relationships and parenting. Grace has contributed to various books, magazines, newsletters and blogs. |
“I hope this isn’t too far off-base, but I have a question about a long-term work relationship. I’ve been working with this woman for over two decades. We’ve become friends over the years and have shared dinners with our significant others, etc. Recently, there have been some changes to the work environment that have required duties to shift – we are now at odds with each other. I have been recently appointed her superior, and she is not respecting that. It has gotten hard to separate our work relationship from our friendship. Any suggestions as to how I move forward?” ~ Donna (MI)
Hi Donna,
It sounds like your co-worker friend dislikes, maybe even resents, the new power dynamic in your relationship. She likely feels safe showing disrespect to you due to your already-established friendship in a way that she probably would not show to other work superiors. It also sounds like straightforward communication is needed about the changes that have occurred in your work relationship.
Before you talk with her, consider her perspective. How would things have gone had your roles been reversed? Would you each have responded similarly had that been the case? When you do meet, mitigate drama by presenting your case clearly and with kindness. Be sure to explain your workplace role and its parameters. Emphasize that you value her friendship and would like to find a way to get along.
It is important to recognize your dual relationship, where you are both her workplace superior and her friend. When you explain your feelings, use 'I statements' and avoid blame. Also, be patient. It may take a few conversations. Sometimes people need time to settle into new ways of thinking. If you eventually are not able to find common ground, it may be best to set limits between the workplace and social activities.
“My mother-in-law has gotten demanding on my husband’s time since she has gotten ill. It’s to the point that she has no concept that he still has family members who need him too. This is tricky. How do I ask for more time with my husband without it seeming like I have no empathy for his mother?” ~ Anonymous (VA)
Dear Anonymous,
This sounds like a difficult situation for all involved - you, your family, your mother-in-law, and your husband. Also, you are to be commended on recognizing a need for empathy. It is easy to imagine that your husband is feeling torn; he may feel like he does not have a choice in the matter. When any family member has a major illness, it is often hard on the entire family. Your husband might feel guilty about spending so much time caring for his sick mom, yet helpless to do anything else.
How do you and your husband talk about this situation? Are you supportive of each other in the way in which you communicate? Ask him to take some time to talk with you. Try not to criticize, blame or say that he is ignoring you. Share your feelings with empathy and consideration.
Does your husband have sufficient support so that he might get some relief from caring for his mom? If not, perhaps you can help him obtain support so that he has more energy for you and other family members. With help, your husband may have more time to spend with your family. Perhaps you might join him in caring for your mother-in-law, so that you are working together.
If you show support, your husband may feel more connected with you and less alone in his efforts. Also, if you are working together, you may feel less alone and abandoned. Join with your partner to problem-solve to make this difficult situation work.
“I’ve been married for over 30 years. My husband is still stuck in the decade we grew up in. I like to listen to more contemporary music and dress in fashionable clothing, but he tells me I’m trying to act younger than I am. And he never wants to go out and have fun. How can I help him understand where I’m coming from?” ~ Anna (NY)
Hi Anna,
To figure out how to help your husband understand you, it would be beneficial to understand where he’s coming from. Some people identify with the era in which they were young adults, so much so that they might feel fake if they took part in anything else.
It seems that you have a sense-of-self that is independent of cultural artifacts such as music and fashion, and that you feel comfortable to explore and enjoy things that are not tied to a particular time in your life. Since your husband sees his music and fashion choices as normal, it could be that he then assumes that you are acting artificially. He may be on the offense because he feels threatened by your differences. He might fear you find him stodgy. It seems that he would benefit from understanding this situation on a deeper level.
In order to help him see where you are coming from, he would first need to accept that people are different; some people do not identify with the styles and music of a particular era. He needs to understand that he married such a person. When you initiate a conversation with your husband, have an attitude of curiosity about where he is coming from. Show him your understanding of who he is. Give him the opportunity to get to know you too, so that you can find common ground in deeper, more meaningful ways. Perhaps reframe your perception that he is 'stuck' with how he is sure of himself in his own identity formation. Talk with him about your understanding of yourself and how your enjoyment of contemporary music and fashion is part of your self-expression, yet does not change your wish to spend time with him. Explain that you want to enjoy his company and have more fun together.
“My life partner has changed. She has no patience and has become so caught up with work that she no longer knows how to have fun. I find myself wishing the woman I met would come back because I don’t know where she went.” ~ ED (CT)
Hi ED,
It sounds like you seek to have a positive and fun life with your partner. It may be that your partner does not realize that her work-life balance is a sore spot for you. Effective communication is needed in order to truly know what is going on with her.
It may take some patience on your part because your first task would be to learn about her perspective on the matter. When you talk with her, show your care and genuine curiosity to learn about and understand her - her plans, her goals, and what has been going on for her at work and at home. Asking questions from a standpoint of curiosity can help your partner feel more comfortable to talk about the hard stuff. It could be that she has been feeling burdened or pressured at work, in which case having your support might help your relationship. Understand that building a career can be good for personal development, and her focus on work might provide her with a sense of purpose. Learning how she thinks and feels could open up opportunities to talk about a balance between work and home life.
Keep in mind there is a possibility that what you learn might be uncomfortable to hear. For example, she might get caught up in work in order to avoid uncomfortable feelings at home. If that is the case, then positive communication is needed, and couples therapy could help. After you have gained a better understanding of where your partner is coming from, share your feelings too. You can present them in a positive light, such as your longing for connection and having fun with her. You might also describe how you feel when she seems less patient. Your partner might benefit from hearing about the deeper, underlying truths to your yearning.
Hi Donna,
It sounds like your co-worker friend dislikes, maybe even resents, the new power dynamic in your relationship. She likely feels safe showing disrespect to you due to your already-established friendship in a way that she probably would not show to other work superiors. It also sounds like straightforward communication is needed about the changes that have occurred in your work relationship.
Before you talk with her, consider her perspective. How would things have gone had your roles been reversed? Would you each have responded similarly had that been the case? When you do meet, mitigate drama by presenting your case clearly and with kindness. Be sure to explain your workplace role and its parameters. Emphasize that you value her friendship and would like to find a way to get along.
It is important to recognize your dual relationship, where you are both her workplace superior and her friend. When you explain your feelings, use 'I statements' and avoid blame. Also, be patient. It may take a few conversations. Sometimes people need time to settle into new ways of thinking. If you eventually are not able to find common ground, it may be best to set limits between the workplace and social activities.
“My mother-in-law has gotten demanding on my husband’s time since she has gotten ill. It’s to the point that she has no concept that he still has family members who need him too. This is tricky. How do I ask for more time with my husband without it seeming like I have no empathy for his mother?” ~ Anonymous (VA)
Dear Anonymous,
This sounds like a difficult situation for all involved - you, your family, your mother-in-law, and your husband. Also, you are to be commended on recognizing a need for empathy. It is easy to imagine that your husband is feeling torn; he may feel like he does not have a choice in the matter. When any family member has a major illness, it is often hard on the entire family. Your husband might feel guilty about spending so much time caring for his sick mom, yet helpless to do anything else.
How do you and your husband talk about this situation? Are you supportive of each other in the way in which you communicate? Ask him to take some time to talk with you. Try not to criticize, blame or say that he is ignoring you. Share your feelings with empathy and consideration.
Does your husband have sufficient support so that he might get some relief from caring for his mom? If not, perhaps you can help him obtain support so that he has more energy for you and other family members. With help, your husband may have more time to spend with your family. Perhaps you might join him in caring for your mother-in-law, so that you are working together.
If you show support, your husband may feel more connected with you and less alone in his efforts. Also, if you are working together, you may feel less alone and abandoned. Join with your partner to problem-solve to make this difficult situation work.
“I’ve been married for over 30 years. My husband is still stuck in the decade we grew up in. I like to listen to more contemporary music and dress in fashionable clothing, but he tells me I’m trying to act younger than I am. And he never wants to go out and have fun. How can I help him understand where I’m coming from?” ~ Anna (NY)
Hi Anna,
To figure out how to help your husband understand you, it would be beneficial to understand where he’s coming from. Some people identify with the era in which they were young adults, so much so that they might feel fake if they took part in anything else.
It seems that you have a sense-of-self that is independent of cultural artifacts such as music and fashion, and that you feel comfortable to explore and enjoy things that are not tied to a particular time in your life. Since your husband sees his music and fashion choices as normal, it could be that he then assumes that you are acting artificially. He may be on the offense because he feels threatened by your differences. He might fear you find him stodgy. It seems that he would benefit from understanding this situation on a deeper level.
In order to help him see where you are coming from, he would first need to accept that people are different; some people do not identify with the styles and music of a particular era. He needs to understand that he married such a person. When you initiate a conversation with your husband, have an attitude of curiosity about where he is coming from. Show him your understanding of who he is. Give him the opportunity to get to know you too, so that you can find common ground in deeper, more meaningful ways. Perhaps reframe your perception that he is 'stuck' with how he is sure of himself in his own identity formation. Talk with him about your understanding of yourself and how your enjoyment of contemporary music and fashion is part of your self-expression, yet does not change your wish to spend time with him. Explain that you want to enjoy his company and have more fun together.
“My life partner has changed. She has no patience and has become so caught up with work that she no longer knows how to have fun. I find myself wishing the woman I met would come back because I don’t know where she went.” ~ ED (CT)
Hi ED,
It sounds like you seek to have a positive and fun life with your partner. It may be that your partner does not realize that her work-life balance is a sore spot for you. Effective communication is needed in order to truly know what is going on with her.
It may take some patience on your part because your first task would be to learn about her perspective on the matter. When you talk with her, show your care and genuine curiosity to learn about and understand her - her plans, her goals, and what has been going on for her at work and at home. Asking questions from a standpoint of curiosity can help your partner feel more comfortable to talk about the hard stuff. It could be that she has been feeling burdened or pressured at work, in which case having your support might help your relationship. Understand that building a career can be good for personal development, and her focus on work might provide her with a sense of purpose. Learning how she thinks and feels could open up opportunities to talk about a balance between work and home life.
Keep in mind there is a possibility that what you learn might be uncomfortable to hear. For example, she might get caught up in work in order to avoid uncomfortable feelings at home. If that is the case, then positive communication is needed, and couples therapy could help. After you have gained a better understanding of where your partner is coming from, share your feelings too. You can present them in a positive light, such as your longing for connection and having fun with her. You might also describe how you feel when she seems less patient. Your partner might benefit from hearing about the deeper, underlying truths to your yearning.
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