Ask an Expert
September '21 TOPIC: Dating After Divorce
Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychologist & Relationship Expert |
OUR EXPERT:
Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and relationship expert, makes her home in Sonoma County, California. In addition to her clinical practice, she is deeply invested in her roles as an author, consultant, advocate and speaker. With a holistic, body-mind-spirit approach, Carla specializes in improving professional and personal relationships through mindfulness and communication skills. With a focus on self-development as the foundation for optimal wellness, she builds relationships by fostering individual awareness. Blending traditional psychotherapy with alternative mindfulness practices, Carla knows the importance of creating healthy balance, awareness and positivity. Her motto is this: “A well-lived life is a journey of consciously crafting the best version of oneself. Wellness and joy do not occur by chance; they are fostered by manifesting one’s true light with courage and strength. Overall wellbeing occurs by creating a respectful, aware relationship with oneself and others.” Dr. Manly’s latest book, Date Smart, joins her other highly acclaimed titles, Joy from Fear and Aging Joyfully. As a clinical psychologist, advocate, and author, Carla contributes her expertise to top-notch media outlets including The Wall Street Journal, Newsweek, The Los Angeles Times, Oprah, Reader’s Digest, Psychology Today, NBC, Parade, GQ, Women’s Health, and more. |
"A lot of people find partners online, but I'm in my sixties, and I don't feel comfortable doing that. Any suggestions for meeting people in person at my age?" ~ Maryanne (PA)
Hi Maryanne,
For those who aren’t digital natives, it’s normal to feel uncomfortable in the world of online dating. Due to larger communities and isolated living habits, it’s not as easy as it once was to meet potential mates in an organic way. However, you can increase your chances of meeting a partner naturally by thinking outside the box. Friendships and romantic connections can be formed through social clubs, hobby groups, spiritual/religious venues, and health-oriented forums. You can explore online and community forums for local groups based on similar interests, such as walking, hiking, knitting, gardening, painting or cooking.
Although you might be resistant to online dating, try not to close the door on this option altogether. Depending on the site, you can explore possibilities in a very low-risk way that takes little time other than setting up a profile. I’ve worked with many over-60 women who were initially fearful of online dating but — through careful, open-minded exploration — found wonderful matches. Again, although it’s natural to feel uncomfortable when you’re in unknown territory, moving safely through your fears can bring unexpected new beginnings. If you ultimately choose to dip your toes in the world of online dating, proceed slowly and at a pace that feels right to you.
No matter how you ultimately connect with a potential partner, I highly recommend keeping the first date very safe and easy; meeting for a 30-minute coffee date in an outdoor café takes off the pressure of a more formal or lengthy date.
"I have young children (ages 6 and 8). How soon should I mention this to someone? Should it be before we meet? Also, should I express that my kids will always come first right away?" ~ Anonymous
I’m always a fan of being honest from the start. Letting a potential partner know that you have young children is an important part of the initial getting-to-know you process. Mention your children — as well as whether or not they live with you full-time — as soon as possible. Whether you meet someone online or in a more organic way, it’s certainly important to bring up the “I have children” topic before going on a first date.
Some people find children a “deal breaker,” others are indifferent to the issue, and some are excited at the prospect of finding a partner who has children. Given the significance of this issue, mention your children as you would any other important aspect of your life. And, if someone doesn’t appreciate and honor the fact that you have two wonderful little ones, just note this as a major red flag and move on.
I applaud you for holding your young children as a key priority in your life. Although your children likely sense your loving commitment to them, it’s always a plus to reassure children through words and actions that they do come first in your life.
"What is a good idea for a date that will help you really get to know someone?" ~ Steph (NJ)
Hi Steph,
Dates that include walking or hiking and a low-key picnic tend to be ideal for truly getting to know someone. This type of date tends to show quite a bit more of a person’s overall personality, conversational style, and psychological flexibility than a dinner or movie date. This type of low-key date offers plenty of opportunities for getting-to-know you discussions.
Dates that involve a high level of distractions, such as concerts and parties, tend to reduce quiet talking time and connective opportunities. The less artificial the environment, the more you are likely to see the true personality of the person you’re dating.
"If you meet someone online, should you get to know them by phone before meeting in person? I'm nervous about meeting someone online. This wasn't a thing when I got married." ~ R. B. (MA)
Hi R.B.,
I’ve worked with many individuals who use online dating, and I want to reassure you that it’s normal and natural to be nervous about the online dating realm. For those like you who have been married or in long-term relationships, it can be especially confusing and even overwhelming to jump into the online dating process. Over time, I’ve certainly noted what generally works well — and what does not work so well — in the world of online dating.
A few of the best tips include:
Hi Maryanne,
For those who aren’t digital natives, it’s normal to feel uncomfortable in the world of online dating. Due to larger communities and isolated living habits, it’s not as easy as it once was to meet potential mates in an organic way. However, you can increase your chances of meeting a partner naturally by thinking outside the box. Friendships and romantic connections can be formed through social clubs, hobby groups, spiritual/religious venues, and health-oriented forums. You can explore online and community forums for local groups based on similar interests, such as walking, hiking, knitting, gardening, painting or cooking.
Although you might be resistant to online dating, try not to close the door on this option altogether. Depending on the site, you can explore possibilities in a very low-risk way that takes little time other than setting up a profile. I’ve worked with many over-60 women who were initially fearful of online dating but — through careful, open-minded exploration — found wonderful matches. Again, although it’s natural to feel uncomfortable when you’re in unknown territory, moving safely through your fears can bring unexpected new beginnings. If you ultimately choose to dip your toes in the world of online dating, proceed slowly and at a pace that feels right to you.
No matter how you ultimately connect with a potential partner, I highly recommend keeping the first date very safe and easy; meeting for a 30-minute coffee date in an outdoor café takes off the pressure of a more formal or lengthy date.
"I have young children (ages 6 and 8). How soon should I mention this to someone? Should it be before we meet? Also, should I express that my kids will always come first right away?" ~ Anonymous
I’m always a fan of being honest from the start. Letting a potential partner know that you have young children is an important part of the initial getting-to-know you process. Mention your children — as well as whether or not they live with you full-time — as soon as possible. Whether you meet someone online or in a more organic way, it’s certainly important to bring up the “I have children” topic before going on a first date.
Some people find children a “deal breaker,” others are indifferent to the issue, and some are excited at the prospect of finding a partner who has children. Given the significance of this issue, mention your children as you would any other important aspect of your life. And, if someone doesn’t appreciate and honor the fact that you have two wonderful little ones, just note this as a major red flag and move on.
I applaud you for holding your young children as a key priority in your life. Although your children likely sense your loving commitment to them, it’s always a plus to reassure children through words and actions that they do come first in your life.
"What is a good idea for a date that will help you really get to know someone?" ~ Steph (NJ)
Hi Steph,
Dates that include walking or hiking and a low-key picnic tend to be ideal for truly getting to know someone. This type of date tends to show quite a bit more of a person’s overall personality, conversational style, and psychological flexibility than a dinner or movie date. This type of low-key date offers plenty of opportunities for getting-to-know you discussions.
Dates that involve a high level of distractions, such as concerts and parties, tend to reduce quiet talking time and connective opportunities. The less artificial the environment, the more you are likely to see the true personality of the person you’re dating.
"If you meet someone online, should you get to know them by phone before meeting in person? I'm nervous about meeting someone online. This wasn't a thing when I got married." ~ R. B. (MA)
Hi R.B.,
I’ve worked with many individuals who use online dating, and I want to reassure you that it’s normal and natural to be nervous about the online dating realm. For those like you who have been married or in long-term relationships, it can be especially confusing and even overwhelming to jump into the online dating process. Over time, I’ve certainly noted what generally works well — and what does not work so well — in the world of online dating.
A few of the best tips include:
- Spend a bit of time texting or messaging the person to see if the basic fit is there. If not, move on. Many people get stuck in the habit of messaging for weeks or months only to find that the person is not a good fit in person.
- If you feel like the texting or messaging has gone well, you can certainly move to a phone call. If you feel more comfortable, ask the person for their number rather than giving them your number. After several short calls, it’s appropriate to move to a brief in-person meeting if you feel the person might be a good fit. Again, it’s important not to get in the habit of spending endless hours on the phone only to eventually meet and find the person is not a good match.
- When and if you feel ready, move to a brief, in-person, daytime coffee date in a café that feels safe and comfortable. This type of venue provides the opportunity to see if the connection is present in a real-life way. If the match feels right, it’s appropriate to move toward a second date that feels comfortable. If the match doesn’t feel right, it’s certainly appropriate (if sometimes difficult) to let the person know that “the fit isn’t there” but that you appreciate his/her time.
