Play & Book Excerpts
She
(Believed She Could So She Did)
(Positively Powered Publications)
© Deborah Cole
Be a Lady, They Said
“We cannot change what we are not aware of, and once we are aware, we cannot help but change.”
Sheryl Sandberg
“We cannot change what we are not aware of, and once we are aware, we cannot help but change.”
Sheryl Sandberg
“Be a lady.” This message was loud and clear from an early age. I cannot recall what any of the circumstances might have been, but if I heard this once, I heard it said a thousand times during my growing-up years. I had tucked it way back in the memory bank of annoying and/or nagging things that were said to me as a child. In fact, I hadn’t even thought of it peripherally until recent months when I read a blog post by Camille Rainville (aka Writings of a Furious Woman) with that title. Reading her words was like being hit with the proverbial ton of painful and emotional bricks. “Be a lady.” I had not heard that phrase for decades, but the reading of it sent me into a painful spiral of unworthiness. You know the one. Where your happy and confident self is suddenly sent into a dark place of remembering and believing you are not enough and will never be enough.
Rainville’s somewhat lengthy blog post hit all of those buttons, long since forgotten yet still sensitive. As children, our ideas of who we are can be bolstered or demolished by those around us whose words have power. Parents, relatives, siblings, teachers and friends all help to either confirm or deny how we feel about ourselves. As little girls trying to sort out meaning from the mystery, self-worth can be sent soaring or dashed against the rocks. “Be a lady.” This phrase and, in fact, any statement like “Be x or y or z” implies that the listener is not x or y or z and that there are guidelines and rules to follow to become that. As children, all we have are the words and actions of those around us to reinforce our place in society and in the world. And we tend to believe those who have power over us. We think the “big” people have all the answers and know all the rules. And we listen. And listen.
“Be a lady.” Is being a lady the ultimate in perfection of who I want to become? Are the actions and activities involved in being a lady in agreement with how we see ourselves as young girls/women? And frankly, what exactly does being a lady mean? To top it all off, I grew up in the South and without many financial resources. In the humorous book “Southern Ladies and Gentlemen,” originally published in 1975, Florence King writes about how, as Southerners, women (and men) are supposed to act. I read this book soon after it was launched and laughed through it, while feeling the pinch of truth in the expectations of little Southern girls. The book, albeit funny, was somewhat embarrassing. Could it be because I saw a shred of truth in the writing? The author’s description of the possibility of self-rejuvenating virginity is laughable, but as a Southern girl, I understand. The author’s statement, “A lady is required to be frigid, passionate, sweet, bitchy and scatterbrained all at the same time. Her problems spring from the fact that she succeeds,” now makes me wince. To think that these attitudes existed (and still exist) is pretty painful. And to think that some of the standards of proper Southern lady behavior, which are so humorously described, are still in full-blown execution today is shocking.
Be a lady. Do this, don’t do that, think this way, say this, look like this, don’t look like that, what will others say, what will so-and-so think, follow this recipe and you will be that pinnacle of all-glorious deities … a lady. I hope not to be misunderstood in this rant on ladylike behavior. I respect many of the attributes ascribed to ladies (and gentlemen as well), such as kindness, compassion, concern for others and friendliness. But some of the unwritten rules don’t work any longer, including hiding your true feelings, shunning your own needs, living the life of a centuries-old model for ladylike behavior because your great-grandmothers/fathers acted this way, and doing it without question or consideration of self. Generations of unhappy people, with unfulfilled dreams and aspirations, are left languishing on the sidelines of life when women aspire to be ladies and men struggle to be gentlemen. The prescriptions for success in those two categories are outdated and should be left in the past.
Be a lady. Ladies act in certain ways. Ladies look a certain way. Ladies are never too showy, never too smart, never better than others. They are always polite, always put everyone else first and always good at only ladylike things. And if you don’t or can’t, if all else fails, hide it or reject it. What if these rules don’t fit (and I’m here to say they often do not)? What if what we are meant to do, be or say simply does not fall into the category of what the “be a lady” advocate intends?
In the past, women and men were out of luck. There were few avenues for being different and not toeing the line of proper behavior. Being perfect without being too obvious about it set girls and women up for massive disappointment. But that was the past, and this is the now.
Living a life of “doing the right thing” and fitting into someone else’s mold is neither satisfying nor purposeful. We occupy our place on earth for such a short period of time, and we are in this incarnation for a reason. Most often, we do not know that purpose for many years, and it finds us before we find it. This discovery of life’s purpose might involve not merely uncovering what we might become, but also peeling off layers of notions about ourselves—notions that do not serve us toward that end goal. In a section of “Be a Lady They Said,” Rainville writes,
“Be a lady they said. Don’t talk too loud. Don’t talk too much. Don’t take up space. Don’t sit like that. Don’t stand like that. Don’t be intimidating. Why are you so miserable? Don’t be a bitch. Don’t be so bossy. Don’t be assertive. Don’t overact. Don’t be so emotional. Don’t cry. Don’t yell. Don’t swear. Be passive. Be obedient. Endure the pain. Be pleasing. Don’t complain. Let him down easy. Boost his ego. Make him fall for you. Men want what they can’t have. Don’t give yourself away. Make him work for it. Men love the chase. Fold his clothes. Cook his dinner. Keep him happy. That’s a woman’s job. You’ll make a good wife someday. Take his last name. You hyphenated your name? Crazy feminist. Give him children. You don’t want children? You will someday. You’ll change your mind.”
How I remember all of these admonitions. Don’t talk too loudly. Don’t talk too much. Don’t be full of yourself. Being too outspoken or saying what you think or feel are simply not the marks of a lady.
Rainville’s somewhat lengthy blog post hit all of those buttons, long since forgotten yet still sensitive. As children, our ideas of who we are can be bolstered or demolished by those around us whose words have power. Parents, relatives, siblings, teachers and friends all help to either confirm or deny how we feel about ourselves. As little girls trying to sort out meaning from the mystery, self-worth can be sent soaring or dashed against the rocks. “Be a lady.” This phrase and, in fact, any statement like “Be x or y or z” implies that the listener is not x or y or z and that there are guidelines and rules to follow to become that. As children, all we have are the words and actions of those around us to reinforce our place in society and in the world. And we tend to believe those who have power over us. We think the “big” people have all the answers and know all the rules. And we listen. And listen.
“Be a lady.” Is being a lady the ultimate in perfection of who I want to become? Are the actions and activities involved in being a lady in agreement with how we see ourselves as young girls/women? And frankly, what exactly does being a lady mean? To top it all off, I grew up in the South and without many financial resources. In the humorous book “Southern Ladies and Gentlemen,” originally published in 1975, Florence King writes about how, as Southerners, women (and men) are supposed to act. I read this book soon after it was launched and laughed through it, while feeling the pinch of truth in the expectations of little Southern girls. The book, albeit funny, was somewhat embarrassing. Could it be because I saw a shred of truth in the writing? The author’s description of the possibility of self-rejuvenating virginity is laughable, but as a Southern girl, I understand. The author’s statement, “A lady is required to be frigid, passionate, sweet, bitchy and scatterbrained all at the same time. Her problems spring from the fact that she succeeds,” now makes me wince. To think that these attitudes existed (and still exist) is pretty painful. And to think that some of the standards of proper Southern lady behavior, which are so humorously described, are still in full-blown execution today is shocking.
Be a lady. Do this, don’t do that, think this way, say this, look like this, don’t look like that, what will others say, what will so-and-so think, follow this recipe and you will be that pinnacle of all-glorious deities … a lady. I hope not to be misunderstood in this rant on ladylike behavior. I respect many of the attributes ascribed to ladies (and gentlemen as well), such as kindness, compassion, concern for others and friendliness. But some of the unwritten rules don’t work any longer, including hiding your true feelings, shunning your own needs, living the life of a centuries-old model for ladylike behavior because your great-grandmothers/fathers acted this way, and doing it without question or consideration of self. Generations of unhappy people, with unfulfilled dreams and aspirations, are left languishing on the sidelines of life when women aspire to be ladies and men struggle to be gentlemen. The prescriptions for success in those two categories are outdated and should be left in the past.
Be a lady. Ladies act in certain ways. Ladies look a certain way. Ladies are never too showy, never too smart, never better than others. They are always polite, always put everyone else first and always good at only ladylike things. And if you don’t or can’t, if all else fails, hide it or reject it. What if these rules don’t fit (and I’m here to say they often do not)? What if what we are meant to do, be or say simply does not fall into the category of what the “be a lady” advocate intends?
In the past, women and men were out of luck. There were few avenues for being different and not toeing the line of proper behavior. Being perfect without being too obvious about it set girls and women up for massive disappointment. But that was the past, and this is the now.
Living a life of “doing the right thing” and fitting into someone else’s mold is neither satisfying nor purposeful. We occupy our place on earth for such a short period of time, and we are in this incarnation for a reason. Most often, we do not know that purpose for many years, and it finds us before we find it. This discovery of life’s purpose might involve not merely uncovering what we might become, but also peeling off layers of notions about ourselves—notions that do not serve us toward that end goal. In a section of “Be a Lady They Said,” Rainville writes,
“Be a lady they said. Don’t talk too loud. Don’t talk too much. Don’t take up space. Don’t sit like that. Don’t stand like that. Don’t be intimidating. Why are you so miserable? Don’t be a bitch. Don’t be so bossy. Don’t be assertive. Don’t overact. Don’t be so emotional. Don’t cry. Don’t yell. Don’t swear. Be passive. Be obedient. Endure the pain. Be pleasing. Don’t complain. Let him down easy. Boost his ego. Make him fall for you. Men want what they can’t have. Don’t give yourself away. Make him work for it. Men love the chase. Fold his clothes. Cook his dinner. Keep him happy. That’s a woman’s job. You’ll make a good wife someday. Take his last name. You hyphenated your name? Crazy feminist. Give him children. You don’t want children? You will someday. You’ll change your mind.”
How I remember all of these admonitions. Don’t talk too loudly. Don’t talk too much. Don’t be full of yourself. Being too outspoken or saying what you think or feel are simply not the marks of a lady.
Deborah Cole
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Deborah Cole is a speaker, writer, and visual storyteller based in Austin, Texas. After 35 years leading teams and managing multi-million-dollar projects, the former business owner and leader has shifted her focus and lens as a documentary-style photographer and writer. She is the author of Letting Go: How Less Becomes More and SHE (Believed She Could So She Did).
Born in Texas, with her natural drive, curiosity, and tenacity, Deborah went on to achieve multiple degrees: a B.S. from the University of Texas, a master's in landscape horticulture from Texas A&M University and a MSF from the Seminary of the Southwest in Spiritual Direction. She is now on a personal mission to help others realize their potential and actualize their personal goals. She is a frequent speaker, focusing on diversity, equity and inclusion, particularly for women in business. In her upcoming book, SHE (Believe She Could So She Did), Deborah chronicles 35 women through intimate and candid photographs along with the stories of their professional endeavors as entrepreneurs. It is in this collection of portraits that Deborah’s empathy and talent serve as the lens into the realities, tribulations and successes of a growing demographic – women entrepreneurs. |
