Play & Book Excerpts
The Black Family's Guide to Healing Emotional Wounds
(Nvision Solutions)
© Nijiama Smalls
Nijiama
It was on a warm and beautiful day in early August that Shamon and I got married at a quaint country club in Laurel, Maryland. Our friends and family traveled from near and far to celebrate our union. To say we were excited would be an understatement as we had spent over a year researching, planning, and organizing down to the smallest detail for our wedding day – the day I had dreamed about since childhood, the day I sometimes felt would never come. But in all the planning, the one thing we did not anticipate was that the unhealed emotional wounds that we both kept buried would rise to the surface as soon as we left for the honeymoon.
I wish I could tell you that the first few years of our marriage were filled with champagne, laughter, strawberries, and sunshine. Frankly, it was quite the opposite. The first two years of marriage for Shamon and I was the toughest. Our finances were tight, we lived in a very tiny apartment, and we fought about everything! We fought about how to manage our finances, how and when meals should be prepared, how to spend our time, and every off-beat action was taken as an offense. Not only did we fight but we fought hard. Whew chile! And it was how we fought that made things the most difficult. Unfortunately, I subconsciously unleashed the pain I held inside from my childhood onto him. It was the pain from believing my mother didn’t love me that I never dealt with. Therefore, like a maniac, I yelled, cursed, belittled him, and screamed to make my point. Shamon, on the other hand, raised his voice and put his fist through walls to make his point. At other times, he shut down and made silence his weapon of choice. Just toxic y'all. On the outside, however, no one had the slightest idea.
Unresolved pain not only resurfaced during the first years of our marriage, but it pulled up to the dinner table and took a seat impacting every single area of our relationship. It’s interesting how we tend to project the hurts we gain from others onto the people closest to us, the ones who love us the most, the ones who do the most for us. You see, the issue for us was that we were unaware of the hurts that still dwelt inside of us, the trauma that ran through our veins that was passed down from our ancestors, the resentment from past hurts that were never resolved, and the destructive behavior we kept hidden while we dated. Sure some of that surfaced while we were dating but we ignored it, to be quite honest with you. Our priority was getting married because for us marriage meant the start of success and stability. It was the life we both envisioned for ourselves and nothing was going to get in the way of that. We both ignored the red flags and proceeded. But once we said I do, split the bills, removed the masks, and settled in, it all rose to the surface. As we would later discover, the problems that arose in our marriage did not begin on the day we got married. Many of those issues began way before we were born.
This was a time when I believe I was at my worst, and it impacted every area of my life. Like landmines waiting for someone to say or do something to set them off, my heart was filled with many unhealed emotional wounds. If a colleague or professional associate did something that annoyed me, I made it an offense and held on to it. And I had to let them know about it in the most confrontational way possible, every single time. I was hypercritical of others and gossip was my ammunition and means to bond and build relationships. I was cold and unwelcoming of anyone I didn’t know. Any new projects I was put on at work I’d find a way to be negative about it or criticize it to death eventually pulling others into my torment. I fully embraced being difficult because somehow I believed it gave me power.
What helped to improve us and our marriage was healing. We had to do the hard work – the spiritual and soul work, to heal the inner chaos. It required both of us to dig deep into our history to discover where our pain stemmed from and develop enough discipline to regulate ourselves. This was important to us because having a whole marriage was more important than holding on to our past hurts and toxic behavior. Moreover, we wanted to create a family unit that was whole and different from what we both were privy to as children.
I wish I could tell you that the first few years of our marriage were filled with champagne, laughter, strawberries, and sunshine. Frankly, it was quite the opposite. The first two years of marriage for Shamon and I was the toughest. Our finances were tight, we lived in a very tiny apartment, and we fought about everything! We fought about how to manage our finances, how and when meals should be prepared, how to spend our time, and every off-beat action was taken as an offense. Not only did we fight but we fought hard. Whew chile! And it was how we fought that made things the most difficult. Unfortunately, I subconsciously unleashed the pain I held inside from my childhood onto him. It was the pain from believing my mother didn’t love me that I never dealt with. Therefore, like a maniac, I yelled, cursed, belittled him, and screamed to make my point. Shamon, on the other hand, raised his voice and put his fist through walls to make his point. At other times, he shut down and made silence his weapon of choice. Just toxic y'all. On the outside, however, no one had the slightest idea.
Unresolved pain not only resurfaced during the first years of our marriage, but it pulled up to the dinner table and took a seat impacting every single area of our relationship. It’s interesting how we tend to project the hurts we gain from others onto the people closest to us, the ones who love us the most, the ones who do the most for us. You see, the issue for us was that we were unaware of the hurts that still dwelt inside of us, the trauma that ran through our veins that was passed down from our ancestors, the resentment from past hurts that were never resolved, and the destructive behavior we kept hidden while we dated. Sure some of that surfaced while we were dating but we ignored it, to be quite honest with you. Our priority was getting married because for us marriage meant the start of success and stability. It was the life we both envisioned for ourselves and nothing was going to get in the way of that. We both ignored the red flags and proceeded. But once we said I do, split the bills, removed the masks, and settled in, it all rose to the surface. As we would later discover, the problems that arose in our marriage did not begin on the day we got married. Many of those issues began way before we were born.
This was a time when I believe I was at my worst, and it impacted every area of my life. Like landmines waiting for someone to say or do something to set them off, my heart was filled with many unhealed emotional wounds. If a colleague or professional associate did something that annoyed me, I made it an offense and held on to it. And I had to let them know about it in the most confrontational way possible, every single time. I was hypercritical of others and gossip was my ammunition and means to bond and build relationships. I was cold and unwelcoming of anyone I didn’t know. Any new projects I was put on at work I’d find a way to be negative about it or criticize it to death eventually pulling others into my torment. I fully embraced being difficult because somehow I believed it gave me power.
What helped to improve us and our marriage was healing. We had to do the hard work – the spiritual and soul work, to heal the inner chaos. It required both of us to dig deep into our history to discover where our pain stemmed from and develop enough discipline to regulate ourselves. This was important to us because having a whole marriage was more important than holding on to our past hurts and toxic behavior. Moreover, we wanted to create a family unit that was whole and different from what we both were privy to as children.
|
Author Nijiama Smalls is a writer, emotional coach and speaker. She has written for local, national and global publications and has spoken on numerous platforms on the topics of healing emotional wounds, emotional intelligence, self-love, and destroying generational patterns.
Nijiama studied at Fayetteville State University, earned a B.A. from Winthrop University, and later an M.S. degree. She is a certified life coach and holds certifications in Emotional Intelligence, Trauma Informed Care, Mindfulness Mediation, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. She enjoys sharing her wisdom with women and leaders on their journey towards healing and managing their emotions. Shamon Smalls serves as the Lead Pastor for Zion Church’s Woodbridge campus. He leads and supports several activities across the campus, including Life Groups, Family Life, and the Campus’ guest and member connection experiences. He continually develops and refines his spiritual gifts of teaching, administration, and wisdom. Pastor Shamon and his wife Nijiama live in Prince William County, Virginia, with their daughter, Bliss, and son, Jace. |
Photo Courtesy: Nijiama and Shamon Smalls
|
