Play & Book Excerpts
The Joy of Imperfect Love
(Familius LLC)
© Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D.
The Stone of You, The Stone of Me
The stone of who I am has certainly been tumbled around in life. Some of the tumbling has come from the enigmatic ways of life itself, and some was invited—even asked for—by me. At my best, I have consciously polished the stone of who I am. At my worst, I fought the polishing. And as I sit here, I can tell you that my relationships—the best and the worst of them—have made me who I am. My learnings, solo journeys, and self-reflective time have certainly refinished the rough pebble I once was, but it has been imperfect love—and my journey to understand it—that has polished me.
I’ve known the many forms of love—from horrifically false love to genuine, imperfect love—and know their power to maim and heal. Yet, had I not personally experienced all that I have—the evil and the divinely sweet—I would not be able to share with you as I have. I know, from personal experiences with false love, that such forms of “love” have the power to trigger desperate hopelessness. I also know, from the inside out, that imperfect love has the power to heal, connect, and guide us forward. I must acknowledge that those who have healthy, genuine love from the start often polish their own stones in the most exquisite ways.
Regardless of our pasts, I know we have the power to leave intergenerational wounds and patterns behind us so that we can leave a better legacy and enjoy our own lives more fully. I know, from within my very bones and soul, that how we love is ultimately a matter of personal choice. For reasons beyond my understanding, I know that something in me chose to use my deeply hurtful “love” experiences to become a more evolved human being. Perhaps, in a strange way, I have learned more from those who did not know how to love than I have from the few who did. This may be my greatest personal gift to you, my sharing of having experienced the transformative power of imperfect love in my own life. I am a living, breathing testament to how one can evolve and polish the stone of their own being even when genuine love is not present.
It may be that, at times, the experiences of false love that come into our lives ask us to do our most conscientious stone-polishing of all. When we choose to set aside blame and judgment and learn from our pasts, we can use all that we discover to love more fully and consciously in the present and future. When we let go of the ideal of perfect love, we open the windows of the heart and soul to the stone-polishing aspects of human, imperfect love. Where there are humans, love will be imperfect. Yet, where there is authentic, imperfect love, there is hope.
I have come so very far in my stone-polishing journey, yet I know that divine love—that perfect love—will always be beyond my capacity. I accept this truth with an open heart, for to have perfect love would leave me having nothing to learn of true value. Although my gifts of imperfect love are sure to fall short, I’ll never stop striving to give love that is as genuine as possible. This is the most valuable gift I can give to myself and others. And, in the same way, I will strive to make choices that allow me to receive imperfect love as openly as possible—even when it’s a bit uncomfortable or even scary. These heartfelt, conscious choices will allow me to continue polishing the stone—the cabochon—of my being until I take my last breath.
I wish the very same for you. No matter your past—whether it was filled with the traumatic absence of genuine love’s presence or the constant, sweet offerings of healthy love—the journey of this moment and the future is yours. It is my heartfelt prayer that I have offered you enough guidance and love that you can choose—consciously choose—to move forward with imperfect love in your heart. You have all the power and love within you that it takes to polish the stone of who you are in this ever-changing, often wild journey of love and life. It is my prayer that you embrace the parts of this book that speak to you and that you allow them to transform your life. You deserve to polish the stone of who you are. You deserve to evolve into the freest, most radiant and loving version of yourself. For, in truth, we can have everything material in the world, but we have nothing when we do not have genuine love. Loving fully and freely—and being loved fully and freely—is your divine right.
As I write to you now, I feel both joy and sadness creep into my heart. This is a heart-opening, getting-to-know-you process that travels deep, and in truth, this journey has also been one of getting to know myself just a bit more. Through the intimate power of words and energy, I feel connected to you and changed by this process. And that is the nature of true relationships; when we dive in deep with courage, we cannot help but change and evolve. The joy I feel comes from connecting with you. And the sadness, perhaps, comes from my human perception that our journey has come to an end. Yet, as with all things divine, there is no ending when love is present. As a parting gift from my heart, please embrace this truth: Your relationships with others tend to mirror your relationship with yourself and the greater world. Making the choice to tend to relationships with love can be life-changing.
Thank you for sharing this heartfelt journey of imperfect love with me. In my own devoted—if imperfect—way, I’ve endeavored to share so much of my soul and hard-won wisdom with you. I hope you have felt my loving, supportive presence along the way.
The stone of who I am has certainly been tumbled around in life. Some of the tumbling has come from the enigmatic ways of life itself, and some was invited—even asked for—by me. At my best, I have consciously polished the stone of who I am. At my worst, I fought the polishing. And as I sit here, I can tell you that my relationships—the best and the worst of them—have made me who I am. My learnings, solo journeys, and self-reflective time have certainly refinished the rough pebble I once was, but it has been imperfect love—and my journey to understand it—that has polished me.
I’ve known the many forms of love—from horrifically false love to genuine, imperfect love—and know their power to maim and heal. Yet, had I not personally experienced all that I have—the evil and the divinely sweet—I would not be able to share with you as I have. I know, from personal experiences with false love, that such forms of “love” have the power to trigger desperate hopelessness. I also know, from the inside out, that imperfect love has the power to heal, connect, and guide us forward. I must acknowledge that those who have healthy, genuine love from the start often polish their own stones in the most exquisite ways.
Regardless of our pasts, I know we have the power to leave intergenerational wounds and patterns behind us so that we can leave a better legacy and enjoy our own lives more fully. I know, from within my very bones and soul, that how we love is ultimately a matter of personal choice. For reasons beyond my understanding, I know that something in me chose to use my deeply hurtful “love” experiences to become a more evolved human being. Perhaps, in a strange way, I have learned more from those who did not know how to love than I have from the few who did. This may be my greatest personal gift to you, my sharing of having experienced the transformative power of imperfect love in my own life. I am a living, breathing testament to how one can evolve and polish the stone of their own being even when genuine love is not present.
It may be that, at times, the experiences of false love that come into our lives ask us to do our most conscientious stone-polishing of all. When we choose to set aside blame and judgment and learn from our pasts, we can use all that we discover to love more fully and consciously in the present and future. When we let go of the ideal of perfect love, we open the windows of the heart and soul to the stone-polishing aspects of human, imperfect love. Where there are humans, love will be imperfect. Yet, where there is authentic, imperfect love, there is hope.
I have come so very far in my stone-polishing journey, yet I know that divine love—that perfect love—will always be beyond my capacity. I accept this truth with an open heart, for to have perfect love would leave me having nothing to learn of true value. Although my gifts of imperfect love are sure to fall short, I’ll never stop striving to give love that is as genuine as possible. This is the most valuable gift I can give to myself and others. And, in the same way, I will strive to make choices that allow me to receive imperfect love as openly as possible—even when it’s a bit uncomfortable or even scary. These heartfelt, conscious choices will allow me to continue polishing the stone—the cabochon—of my being until I take my last breath.
I wish the very same for you. No matter your past—whether it was filled with the traumatic absence of genuine love’s presence or the constant, sweet offerings of healthy love—the journey of this moment and the future is yours. It is my heartfelt prayer that I have offered you enough guidance and love that you can choose—consciously choose—to move forward with imperfect love in your heart. You have all the power and love within you that it takes to polish the stone of who you are in this ever-changing, often wild journey of love and life. It is my prayer that you embrace the parts of this book that speak to you and that you allow them to transform your life. You deserve to polish the stone of who you are. You deserve to evolve into the freest, most radiant and loving version of yourself. For, in truth, we can have everything material in the world, but we have nothing when we do not have genuine love. Loving fully and freely—and being loved fully and freely—is your divine right.
As I write to you now, I feel both joy and sadness creep into my heart. This is a heart-opening, getting-to-know-you process that travels deep, and in truth, this journey has also been one of getting to know myself just a bit more. Through the intimate power of words and energy, I feel connected to you and changed by this process. And that is the nature of true relationships; when we dive in deep with courage, we cannot help but change and evolve. The joy I feel comes from connecting with you. And the sadness, perhaps, comes from my human perception that our journey has come to an end. Yet, as with all things divine, there is no ending when love is present. As a parting gift from my heart, please embrace this truth: Your relationships with others tend to mirror your relationship with yourself and the greater world. Making the choice to tend to relationships with love can be life-changing.
Thank you for sharing this heartfelt journey of imperfect love with me. In my own devoted—if imperfect—way, I’ve endeavored to share so much of my soul and hard-won wisdom with you. I hope you have felt my loving, supportive presence along the way.
Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and wellness expert based in Sonoma County, California. In addition to her clinical practice, Carla is deeply invested in her roles as an author, consultant, advocate, speaker, and podcaster.
With a holistic, body-mind-spirit approach, she specializes in improving professional and personal relationships through mindfulness and healthy communication skills. Viewing self-development as the foundation for optimal wellness, Carla's work focuses on building health intrapersonal and interpersonal relationships through increased self-awareness. Her work blends traditional psychotherapy with alternative mindfulness practices to support inner freedom, awareness, and balance. Carla’s latest book, Date Smart: Transform Your Relationships and Love Fearlessly, joins her other highly acclaimed titles, Joy from Fear: Create the Life of Your Dreams by Making Fear Your Friend, and Aging Joyfully. She also contributes her expertise publicly as a speaker and through top-notch media outlets including The Wall Street Journal, Newsweek, NBC, The New York Times, USA Today, Forbes, The Los Angeles Times, Oprah, HuffPost, Reader’s Digest, Psychology Today, Parade, GQ, Women’s Health, Architectural Digest, Men’s Health, and more. |
Photo Courtesy: Dr. Carla Marie Manly
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