Play & Book Excerpts
The Kickass Single Mom
(TarcherPerigee)
© 2017 Emma Johnson
How to parent without a father
In the United States, the majority of fathers who live separately from their children are not actively involved. The issue of fatherlessness in the United States, as well as worldwide, is an incredibly large, complex, and devastating issue. The fallout from fathers not being frequently and closely involved with their children is devastating for those children who do not get to know their dads, and often, their paternal extended families, and, for the mothers who are then fully responsible for caring for their children without a co-parent or regular breaks. It is important, too, to recognize that fatherlessness is devastating for the fathers who do not have the pride of fulfilling their parenting duties, nor the joy that is singular to the knowing and raising of a child.
If your children’s father is alive, but not part of your lives, there may not be anything you can do to change that, and I recognize in you a heartbreak for both your children and yourself. You worry about your children’s self-doubt in the absence of a dad, whether the scary statistics about fatherless children will manifest in your kids. You may find yourself full of resentment at the abandonment, the fact that the enormous task of raising a child has been dumped on you, and you alone. You may be enraged by his seemingly flippant freedom to choose whether to parent, while you had no choice at all. Meanwhile, you are left holding the proverbial bag, charged with figuring out how to explain to your child why his father does not see him, call or send gifts.
You might feel an incredible amount of shame and guilt about the fact your child does not have an involved father. Maybe you are angry at yourself because you worry you chose the wrong man, or worry that your actions drove him away. You, too, are heartbroken that your children do not have the father that you’d want for them, and that your life may be harder — and therefore you feel you have less to give your kids — because of it. You stress that one day your children will blame you for their dad’s absence, and that will irrevocably upset your relationship with them.
If your child’s dad is not involved, or marginally involved, there are a few guiding principles for discussing your child’s questions.
In the United States, the majority of fathers who live separately from their children are not actively involved. The issue of fatherlessness in the United States, as well as worldwide, is an incredibly large, complex, and devastating issue. The fallout from fathers not being frequently and closely involved with their children is devastating for those children who do not get to know their dads, and often, their paternal extended families, and, for the mothers who are then fully responsible for caring for their children without a co-parent or regular breaks. It is important, too, to recognize that fatherlessness is devastating for the fathers who do not have the pride of fulfilling their parenting duties, nor the joy that is singular to the knowing and raising of a child.
If your children’s father is alive, but not part of your lives, there may not be anything you can do to change that, and I recognize in you a heartbreak for both your children and yourself. You worry about your children’s self-doubt in the absence of a dad, whether the scary statistics about fatherless children will manifest in your kids. You may find yourself full of resentment at the abandonment, the fact that the enormous task of raising a child has been dumped on you, and you alone. You may be enraged by his seemingly flippant freedom to choose whether to parent, while you had no choice at all. Meanwhile, you are left holding the proverbial bag, charged with figuring out how to explain to your child why his father does not see him, call or send gifts.
You might feel an incredible amount of shame and guilt about the fact your child does not have an involved father. Maybe you are angry at yourself because you worry you chose the wrong man, or worry that your actions drove him away. You, too, are heartbroken that your children do not have the father that you’d want for them, and that your life may be harder — and therefore you feel you have less to give your kids — because of it. You stress that one day your children will blame you for their dad’s absence, and that will irrevocably upset your relationship with them.
If your child’s dad is not involved, or marginally involved, there are a few guiding principles for discussing your child’s questions.
- Be honest. Never say “He’s working far away.” Your child deserves the truth, even if it is painful for both of you to address.
- Be kind, and keep your feelings out of it. “Being a parent is really hard for some people, and your dad wasn’t ready to be a parent yet.”
- As you will do in your relationship with your child’s father, as well as in your own heart, you will keep the door open to future, improved relationships. At the same time, be very careful not to nurture false hope in your child. It’s a tough balance, but an important one. Note the “yet” in the sample script above.
- Answer all their questions. “I’ll tell you when you’re older,” or “We don’t talk about that in our family.” These create the notion of secrets, and secrets foster shame, self-hatred, and lack of trust.
- Focus often on the fact that yours is a whole family. In everyday conversation say, “In our family ….” or “Our traditions are …”
- Highlight the fact that there are all kinds of families, and every family is whole. Even if it feels silly, as you go through your day, or are watching movies or TV, point out gay families, interracial families, kids being raised by grandparents, multigenerational households, friends who live together, foster and adoptive families, how some groups of friends create families, and on and on.
- That said, do not dismiss or minimize pain that a child experiences by his father being absent from his life. It might be really, really hard to hear, but listen. It sucks to feel like you’re the only kid at school whose dad isn’t around. You worry you did something wrong, or you’re unlovable, or deeply flawed — no matter how great your mom and life are.
- Do not always wait for your child to ask. For many reasons, your child may not bring up the fact that her father isn’t part of her life. It is up to you to talk about it very early, even earlier than you may think reasonable. One day, when my daughter came home from school and said, “Today Sofia talked about how both our parents are divorced.” She was 3! Even as a toddler your child sees her friends with two parents. Movies and TV shows and books are powerful messages, consisting almost always of a mother and father. It is your responsibility to address this, even if she doesn’t initiate the discussion.
- Remember: Life is long. The questions will continue throughout your life, and each conversation at each age will lend new perspective and healing for both you, your child, as well as your relationship with each other. Your kid’s understanding and judgment of his other parent will evolve and change over time, even throughout his lifetime.
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Emma Johnson is the creator of the immensely popular blog, WealthySingleMommy.com and the podcast, "Like a Mother," where she explores issues facing professional single moms like herself. She is a writer, journalist, entrepreneur, and a former small-town Midwesterner and current New Yorker. Since launching her blog four years ago, she has become the leading voice of single motherhood in the popular media and has been quoted in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, U.S. News and World Report, Women's Day, and NPR, among others.
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