Ask an Expert
APRIL 2021 TOPIC: Coping with the Sudden Loss of a Loved One
Amy Beth Acker, LCSW
Psychotherapist & Author |
OUR EXPERT:
Amy Beth Acker, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in private practice in Somerville, NJ. She specializes in working with professional women who are struggling with anxiety, perfectionism, or people-pleasing. Her first book, The Way of the Peaceful Woman: Awaken the Power of You, Create a Life You Love, and Set Yourself Free was released in May 2019 and is excerpted in Sanctuary. Amy received a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology and English from Rutgers University, an M.S.W. from New York University (NYU), and holds certificates in trauma and mindfulness. She lives in New Jersey with her husband and two daughters. Readers can learn more about this topic from Amy's article this month:
Finding Perspective and Peace After the Sudden Loss of a Loved One |
“I lost a family member due to COVID-19. I’m still in shock. He was only in his 50s. It’s really hard to grasp that he is not here, and it has been over six months. I’ve been having trouble concentrating on my job, thinking that things were so normal before. Should I look for a support group? I don’t have any friends who have lost someone.” ~ Anne (FL)
Dear Anne,
First, I’d like to offer my deepest condolences on the loss of your family member. I think when we lose someone we love unexpectedly, as many of us have during the pandemic, it’s natural for our brains to replay the past over and over as a way of taking us back there, if only temporarily and only in our minds. Difficulty concentrating and struggling to grasp that the person is no longer alive are also common after loss, so know you’re not alone in those experiences. It can take time to adjust to a “new normal” we didn’t want and that we don’t fully understand. Please give yourself permission to not have it all figured out or to “be over it” by now. Give yourself time and space to experience all feelings that may arise.
One of the hardest things about grief is the way we can feel so alone in it. We see people going on with their lives and that can make us feel like grief is a heavy burden that we must carry by ourselves. When we are confronted with death and loss, an important aspect of healing is to find ways to re-establish connection and community in ways that feel good and supportive to us. There are many ways to do this. Looking into support groups is an excellent idea. Knowing you are in the company of people who are also in the midst of grieving will decrease your burden. You can also learn coping tools to help you feel more empowered in a bereavement group. You may need to explore and try several groups before you find one that feels like the right fit for your needs, so feel free to approach your search with curiosity and a willingness to honor what’s right for you.
I would also suggest looking at ways to connect with people already in your life. Since this was a family member, do you have other family members who knew this person and are also grieving this loss? Reminiscing and finding ways to honor your loved one with other family members can be a source of comfort and connection.
Though you say you don’t have any friends who have lost someone, you may still want to explore ways to tell them what’s going on with you and let them know how they can be supportive. Though you may not share the exact same circumstances of your grief with them, know that grief is a universal feeling, and can come to us through many life circumstances. It’s possible that even if they haven’t lost a loved one, they do understand and have experienced the feelings of loss, despair, sadness, confusion, anger – all the feelings that accompany grief.
“I’ve gained a lot of weight since losing my husband. I’ve turned to food for comfort. I need some healthier means of coping. I feel like I need to be there for everyone else, but I’m really exhausted with it all.” ~ Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
First, I offer my deepest condolences on the loss of your husband. I’m so sorry. Know that it is quite common to turn to sources of comfort that are easily accessible and familiar to us when we are struggling with overwhelming, painful feelings. Food, in particular, can become a source of in-the-moment pleasure or a way to become numb (particularly when combined with screen use like TV or internet surfing). It can be extremely hard to stay present when our pain feels too much, too fast, too soon.
When our nervous systems are overwhelmed, they will adapt to regulate themselves. It sounds like food has become a way for your nervous system to take care of itself. I mention this because using food for comfort can often become a self-perpetuating cycle in which the person feels shame for her behavior and then feels the urge to engage in that behavior more to not feel the shame. The opposite of shame is connection. So, if you haven’t done so already, I would encourage you to find trusted, supportive people to share what you’re going through, including family members, friends, a therapist, a spiritual leader, or a combination that feels right to you.
The last sentence of your question stood out to me most. I hear you saying that you feel like you need to take care of everyone else — to be present for them and support them while you are feeling depleted yourself. I am curious about the pressure you feel to take care of everyone at your own expense, and whether that pressure is coming from them, from you, or from both. It’s common, particularly for women, to feel stuck or trapped in the role of caretaker, even when they feel like they have nothing left to give.
Dear Anne,
First, I’d like to offer my deepest condolences on the loss of your family member. I think when we lose someone we love unexpectedly, as many of us have during the pandemic, it’s natural for our brains to replay the past over and over as a way of taking us back there, if only temporarily and only in our minds. Difficulty concentrating and struggling to grasp that the person is no longer alive are also common after loss, so know you’re not alone in those experiences. It can take time to adjust to a “new normal” we didn’t want and that we don’t fully understand. Please give yourself permission to not have it all figured out or to “be over it” by now. Give yourself time and space to experience all feelings that may arise.
One of the hardest things about grief is the way we can feel so alone in it. We see people going on with their lives and that can make us feel like grief is a heavy burden that we must carry by ourselves. When we are confronted with death and loss, an important aspect of healing is to find ways to re-establish connection and community in ways that feel good and supportive to us. There are many ways to do this. Looking into support groups is an excellent idea. Knowing you are in the company of people who are also in the midst of grieving will decrease your burden. You can also learn coping tools to help you feel more empowered in a bereavement group. You may need to explore and try several groups before you find one that feels like the right fit for your needs, so feel free to approach your search with curiosity and a willingness to honor what’s right for you.
I would also suggest looking at ways to connect with people already in your life. Since this was a family member, do you have other family members who knew this person and are also grieving this loss? Reminiscing and finding ways to honor your loved one with other family members can be a source of comfort and connection.
Though you say you don’t have any friends who have lost someone, you may still want to explore ways to tell them what’s going on with you and let them know how they can be supportive. Though you may not share the exact same circumstances of your grief with them, know that grief is a universal feeling, and can come to us through many life circumstances. It’s possible that even if they haven’t lost a loved one, they do understand and have experienced the feelings of loss, despair, sadness, confusion, anger – all the feelings that accompany grief.
“I’ve gained a lot of weight since losing my husband. I’ve turned to food for comfort. I need some healthier means of coping. I feel like I need to be there for everyone else, but I’m really exhausted with it all.” ~ Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
First, I offer my deepest condolences on the loss of your husband. I’m so sorry. Know that it is quite common to turn to sources of comfort that are easily accessible and familiar to us when we are struggling with overwhelming, painful feelings. Food, in particular, can become a source of in-the-moment pleasure or a way to become numb (particularly when combined with screen use like TV or internet surfing). It can be extremely hard to stay present when our pain feels too much, too fast, too soon.
When our nervous systems are overwhelmed, they will adapt to regulate themselves. It sounds like food has become a way for your nervous system to take care of itself. I mention this because using food for comfort can often become a self-perpetuating cycle in which the person feels shame for her behavior and then feels the urge to engage in that behavior more to not feel the shame. The opposite of shame is connection. So, if you haven’t done so already, I would encourage you to find trusted, supportive people to share what you’re going through, including family members, friends, a therapist, a spiritual leader, or a combination that feels right to you.
The last sentence of your question stood out to me most. I hear you saying that you feel like you need to take care of everyone else — to be present for them and support them while you are feeling depleted yourself. I am curious about the pressure you feel to take care of everyone at your own expense, and whether that pressure is coming from them, from you, or from both. It’s common, particularly for women, to feel stuck or trapped in the role of caretaker, even when they feel like they have nothing left to give.
You’ve been through a tremendous loss, and you need time and space to integrate, grieve, take care of yourself, and get support from others. When we’re grieving, it can be hard to be honest with ourselves about what we have the capacity to give to others and to acknowledge that our capacity may have changed. It can be even harder to give ourselves permission to ask for what we need or to say no to something that used to be a yes for us. I encourage you to give yourself permission to do just that.
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"When we’re grieving, it can be hard to be honest with ourselves about what we have the capacity to give to others and to acknowledge that our capacity may have changed." |
My puppy was hit by a car and killed three months ago. I am still grieving, but my friend offered for me to take in a puppy that has not yet been adopted. I know I can provide a good home for this new puppy, but I would also feel so guilty if I replaced the one who died so quickly — like I’m somehow betraying her. — Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
First, I offer my deepest condolences on the unexpected loss of your puppy. One thing I’ve learned about grief is that it shows us how it’s possible for two things to be true at once. This especially applies to our feelings.
Is it possible for you to still be in the depths of grief about the loss of your puppy while also welcoming this new puppy into your heart and home without labeling it as a betrayal? Is it possible for you to love a new puppy without it taking away any of the love you have for your puppy that died? Is it possible for you to make a decision in this incredibly difficult situation without betraying yourself?
These are questions only you can answer. And remember, there are no right or wrong answers, only ones that are true for you.
It may be possible that you’re not ready for a new puppy in your life at this time. It’s also possible that you are, even though you’re still grieving. This situation seems to be an opportunity to let go of what you think you “should” do and how you think you’re “supposed” to feel; instead, be honest with yourself and honor what’s true for you — even if it’s more than one thing at once.
Dear Anonymous,
First, I offer my deepest condolences on the unexpected loss of your puppy. One thing I’ve learned about grief is that it shows us how it’s possible for two things to be true at once. This especially applies to our feelings.
Is it possible for you to still be in the depths of grief about the loss of your puppy while also welcoming this new puppy into your heart and home without labeling it as a betrayal? Is it possible for you to love a new puppy without it taking away any of the love you have for your puppy that died? Is it possible for you to make a decision in this incredibly difficult situation without betraying yourself?
These are questions only you can answer. And remember, there are no right or wrong answers, only ones that are true for you.
It may be possible that you’re not ready for a new puppy in your life at this time. It’s also possible that you are, even though you’re still grieving. This situation seems to be an opportunity to let go of what you think you “should” do and how you think you’re “supposed” to feel; instead, be honest with yourself and honor what’s true for you — even if it’s more than one thing at once.
Disclaimer: The advice posted here is for general information purposes only and should not be used as a substitute for seeking medical and/or psychological advice from your personal, licensed healthcare provider.