Navigating Relationships
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Creating New Friendships as a Twentysomething
August 2022
As part of our Focus on Youth special issue, one twentysomething professional shares her experience making new friends in a new environment.
By Jillian Crocetta
When I turned twentysomething years old, I was flung into the “real world” headfirst. This world is different. It lacks the structure and predictability of school.
School is where I met many of my friends because of proximity, which creates shared experience, and shared experience encourages friendships. During college, I made friends with those I shared a house with, took classes with, studied with, and played sports with.
So, when it came time to leave college, it felt like my life was resetting. Things were changing quickly. I didn’t need friends to study for exams anymore, and it became clear that my new life would depend on how I shaped it. Big changes like this can be scary, but I made the decision to embrace it.
Making new friends at this point in life, when you move on and move out, is very different. When you don’t have school as a common interest, you start at square one. After college, I moved to my square one – New York City. And I found out quickly that a place is only as good as its people.
So, you can find your place first, but find your people soon after. Here are some ways I took the plunge and sought new friendships in unfamiliar territory.
Embrace Yourself
Restarting my social life was the task at hand. What I discovered was, not only had I established friendships back home, but I had also established a persona. My friends knew me by the clothes I wore, the things I said, even the food I ate. I was predictably Jill.
When I turned twentysomething years old, I was flung into the “real world” headfirst. This world is different. It lacks the structure and predictability of school.
School is where I met many of my friends because of proximity, which creates shared experience, and shared experience encourages friendships. During college, I made friends with those I shared a house with, took classes with, studied with, and played sports with.
So, when it came time to leave college, it felt like my life was resetting. Things were changing quickly. I didn’t need friends to study for exams anymore, and it became clear that my new life would depend on how I shaped it. Big changes like this can be scary, but I made the decision to embrace it.
Making new friends at this point in life, when you move on and move out, is very different. When you don’t have school as a common interest, you start at square one. After college, I moved to my square one – New York City. And I found out quickly that a place is only as good as its people.
So, you can find your place first, but find your people soon after. Here are some ways I took the plunge and sought new friendships in unfamiliar territory.
Embrace Yourself
Restarting my social life was the task at hand. What I discovered was, not only had I established friendships back home, but I had also established a persona. My friends knew me by the clothes I wore, the things I said, even the food I ate. I was predictably Jill.
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I was put together, but always late and reliably ironic. My hair was ironed straight, and my favorite color was purple (though I didn’t own a single item of purple clothing). Now, I am embracing unpredictability.
And as I gained confidence in my twentysomething self, I stopped worrying so much about what other people’s first impressions were of me. And as a result, their impressions of me were better. At least that’s the way I felt. I didn’t worry about meeting new people. And new people seemed to like meeting me. Say “Yes” |
"And as I gained confidence in my twentysomething self, I stopped worrying so much about what other people’s first impressions were of me. And as a result, their impressions of me were better." ~ J.C. |
When school is no longer your crutch, you have to look elsewhere to make friends. So, say “yes” as often as you can. Say “yes” to that comedy show on a Tuesday night that you would have otherwise bailed on, drinks on a Wednesday night after your workday, or the party on Friday that was a little too late for your liking.
The first day I moved to a new city, my roommate, whom I’d just met, invited me out for drinks with some friends. I said “yes,” hesitantly, because I was not completely in the why not mindset yet. But I ended up going and meeting some great people, whom I continued to get to know at parties, game nights, and a Friendsgiving.
My favorite “yes” story takes place in a rainstorm, where someone I had just met with mutual friends at a comedy show chose to leave with me in the pouring rain. Truth be told, we had both been undecided about going to the show in the first place because of the anticipated rain. We bonded over that – and over three missed buses and soggy shoes. A year later, she is a close friend, neighbor, confidant and travel companion.
Routine is easy and comfortable. Breaking routine can feel strange, and it is a lot easier said than done. But just do it. Sometimes a “yes” may introduce you to a close friend. And if not, it will give you a story to tell.
Know Your Limits
I know I just boasted about my ability to say “yes,” but I am also a strong proponent in knowing and trusting your mental and physical boundaries.
Your twentysomething years are a great time to be social, but social obligations, added on to all of your preexisting obligations (family, health, work) can be draining. Sometimes, saying “yes” is simply not what you need.
So, know yourself. If you are tired or overwhelmed, give yourself the night (or two) to relax. Recharge your social battery. After all, saying “yes” involves an open mind, and if you are too tired from the week’s stresses to go to dinner with that group of women you met only once before, your lack of enthusiasm will certainly show.
Everyone You Meet is Not Necessarily Best Friend Material
I stopped walking into situations with the mentality that I was bound to become friends with everyone. That was too much pressure to put on myself.
Instead, I take every group meeting and drinks with friends as an opportunity to meet and understand as many personalities as possible. I once asked a woman who lived close by for her phone number. We never met up again, but that is okay.
Be selective when it comes to choosing close relationships. The more interactions I have had, the more I learn what types of personalities I am drawn to. And that’s the funny thing about creating friendships when you’re twentysomething – you do it to learn more about others, but you end up learning a lot about yourself, too.
The first day I moved to a new city, my roommate, whom I’d just met, invited me out for drinks with some friends. I said “yes,” hesitantly, because I was not completely in the why not mindset yet. But I ended up going and meeting some great people, whom I continued to get to know at parties, game nights, and a Friendsgiving.
My favorite “yes” story takes place in a rainstorm, where someone I had just met with mutual friends at a comedy show chose to leave with me in the pouring rain. Truth be told, we had both been undecided about going to the show in the first place because of the anticipated rain. We bonded over that – and over three missed buses and soggy shoes. A year later, she is a close friend, neighbor, confidant and travel companion.
Routine is easy and comfortable. Breaking routine can feel strange, and it is a lot easier said than done. But just do it. Sometimes a “yes” may introduce you to a close friend. And if not, it will give you a story to tell.
Know Your Limits
I know I just boasted about my ability to say “yes,” but I am also a strong proponent in knowing and trusting your mental and physical boundaries.
Your twentysomething years are a great time to be social, but social obligations, added on to all of your preexisting obligations (family, health, work) can be draining. Sometimes, saying “yes” is simply not what you need.
So, know yourself. If you are tired or overwhelmed, give yourself the night (or two) to relax. Recharge your social battery. After all, saying “yes” involves an open mind, and if you are too tired from the week’s stresses to go to dinner with that group of women you met only once before, your lack of enthusiasm will certainly show.
Everyone You Meet is Not Necessarily Best Friend Material
I stopped walking into situations with the mentality that I was bound to become friends with everyone. That was too much pressure to put on myself.
Instead, I take every group meeting and drinks with friends as an opportunity to meet and understand as many personalities as possible. I once asked a woman who lived close by for her phone number. We never met up again, but that is okay.
Be selective when it comes to choosing close relationships. The more interactions I have had, the more I learn what types of personalities I am drawn to. And that’s the funny thing about creating friendships when you’re twentysomething – you do it to learn more about others, but you end up learning a lot about yourself, too.
Jillian Crocetta is a New York City-based human resources professional and freelance writer/editor who enjoys writing in the areas of identity, place, empowerment, and health & wellness. She has always been drawn to creative nonfiction and poetry and has a passion for generating stories. In addition to the articles she has written for Sanctuary, her work has been published in New Voices and Spotlight News.
