Ask an Expert
DECEMBER TOPIC: Dealing with Grief
Marisa Moeller, Ph.D.
Owner of The Alternative Therapists Partnership |
OUR EXPERT:
Marisa Moeller, Ph.D., is the owner of The Alternative Therapists Partnership, Inc. which offers a number of specialized holistic healing modalities. Marisa holds master’s degrees in English and psychology and a Ph.D. in psychology. She is a Reiki Master and holistic health therapist and is certified in several areas, including creative and expressive arts therapy, clinical hypnotherapy, and professional and life coaching. Marisa is also very involved in her community. She has been a Girl Scout leader for years and is a regular volunteer for Barrett Art Center in Poughkeepsie, NY. She loves to read and collect antiques, and she resides in Amenia, NY with her husband and daughter. Marisa was also Sanctuary's expert in OCTOBER 2018: "Dealing with Life's Transitions." |
“My sister lost her husband three months ago. I’m really worried about her. She doesn’t seem to want to go out in public, see friends or seek help. She talks to me, but the minute I start to suggest that she might want to see someone, she gets angry and tells me she needs more time. Any suggestions for what I can do to help?" ~ Anonymous (SC)
Hi Anonymous,
Certainly, anxiety about doing and saying the right things where the bereaved are concerned is only natural. I’m sure we’ve all heard or read that support and community are very important during these difficult times. Still, many of us feel awkward, maybe even fearful, of initiating anything that may upset the bereaved. Therefore, how does one truly proceed in these instances?
The first thing, and perhaps one of the most important things you can do for your sister, is to be there for her. This means be present and listen to her should she choose to speak. In fact, listening can become one of the best skills one can employ during this time. Let your sister lead the conversation. Sometimes the bereaved may want to speak about the deceased person. Other times, they do not wish to speak about the person at all. That is the sole discretion of the bereaved. Remember that even in your sister’s moments of silence, you are listening to her! A simple glance or squeeze of her hand can let your sister know you have heard her and understand.
Another important thing is to understand that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Each individual grieves differently, and there is no time limit on one’s grief. There are no set steps in a specific order. Grief can hit some individuals like a watershed, while others experience a roller coaster of emotions, with highs and lows and ups and downs.
The bereaved may struggle with a host of intense and very painful emotions which can include shock, anger, hostility, guilt, depression, or a profound sadness. The loss can also affect the bereaved individual’s physical health due to difficulty sleeping, eating, or even thinking clearly. Many times the bereaved feels isolated and alone in his/her grief. Their intense pain and difficult emotions can make people uncomfortable about offering support, which only further serves to isolate those suffering a loss.
The reality is that we never truly get over a loss. We learn to go through it, or around it, and eventually emerge on the other side. In effect, we learn to live with the loss. Can we force ourselves or others to get over grief quickly or in a timely fashion? No. Nevertheless, above all else, I suggest that you show your love for your grieving sister in any way you can!
“Everyone goes through the grieving process differently…finds different coping mechanisms and supports. What is your opinion on support groups for dealing with grief?” ~ Sanctuary Team
Hi Sanctuary Team,
You ask what I think of grief support groups. Like anything else, not all support groups are equal. Some run much better than others. Others offer much more than some. Thus, an argument could be made for the pros and cons of attending one particular grief support group over another. Of course, it is important to state here that not every grieving person needs the additional support of a group outside of their circle of family and friends. This information is for all those grieving who are seeking a group structure.
Ideally, the purpose of a grief support group is to provide a safe environment where those grieving can meet with others who walk a similar path. It should attempt to normalize the grief process in that it should make those grieving feel that they are not alone and that what they are feeling is to be expected. Those grieving should be allowed to explore and process the wide array of emotions they are feeling over their loss. They should also not be expected to contain nor control their feelings of grief and loss during this time.
Generally, grief support groups can be found in most communities, and some grief support groups are now being offered online. These types of groups run the gamut from loss of a loved one to loss of a job. There are those groups whose discussions may cover a wide range of topics. While there are other groups that believe in grouping individuals based on their type of loss.
There are some groups whose members process grief by sharing personal stories and/or their personal grief experiences; while other groups focus on identifying healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms for grief. Still, others focus on the way in which a particular loss has occurred. A number of grief support groups even focus on cultural differences and language differences. It is up to the grieving individual where he or she feels most comfortable to attend.
Still, there may be some pitfalls to grief support groups which one should also consider. One issue is that there is sometimes an expectation of therapy/therapeutic help that simply does not come along with this particular group structure. The grief support group does not provide that service, nor should it.
Another issue is that there can also be the very real feeling of being completely overwhelmed by another’s intense feelings of pain and suffering from loss. This is often too much for a grieving individual to bear while going through his or her own pain. The grieving individual may find that he or she can no longer sit in group. Of course, this becomes disruptive to both the grieving individual and the group as a whole.
The next issue may be that the grieving individual finds it discouraging to recognize that others in one’s grief support group are not quite as far along as they should be in their grief journey. This may especially be the case if a particular individual has been attending group for an extended period of time.
This leads us to the concept of judgment. That is, judgment of the group and how it runs as well as individual group members’ judgments of each other. Sadly, this behavior does sometimes find its way into some groups. When it does, it often can drive a wedge through the safe and accepting, emotionally supportive environment the grief support group should be. It is negative behavior which can do damage to the grieving individuals’ ability to heal.
I believe that anyone who is grieving a loss should have the right to decide for themselves what path they will take to heal, whether that’s alone or in a group. If they so choose a group structure, I believe that a grief support group which offers a combination of understanding, suggestions for coping, support, friendship, and, most of all, hope is one worth looking into.
Find a list of Grief, Loss and Bereavement Support Groups below. This is by no means a comprehensive list of services being offered. You can also search for grief, loss and bereavement support and recovery groups in your community online, in some of your local newspapers, or community center/town hall bulletin boards. These local meetings are generally held in churches, community centers, hospitals, healthcare clinics, funeral homes, schools, and other public gathering spaces.
Hi Anonymous,
Certainly, anxiety about doing and saying the right things where the bereaved are concerned is only natural. I’m sure we’ve all heard or read that support and community are very important during these difficult times. Still, many of us feel awkward, maybe even fearful, of initiating anything that may upset the bereaved. Therefore, how does one truly proceed in these instances?
The first thing, and perhaps one of the most important things you can do for your sister, is to be there for her. This means be present and listen to her should she choose to speak. In fact, listening can become one of the best skills one can employ during this time. Let your sister lead the conversation. Sometimes the bereaved may want to speak about the deceased person. Other times, they do not wish to speak about the person at all. That is the sole discretion of the bereaved. Remember that even in your sister’s moments of silence, you are listening to her! A simple glance or squeeze of her hand can let your sister know you have heard her and understand.
Another important thing is to understand that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Each individual grieves differently, and there is no time limit on one’s grief. There are no set steps in a specific order. Grief can hit some individuals like a watershed, while others experience a roller coaster of emotions, with highs and lows and ups and downs.
The bereaved may struggle with a host of intense and very painful emotions which can include shock, anger, hostility, guilt, depression, or a profound sadness. The loss can also affect the bereaved individual’s physical health due to difficulty sleeping, eating, or even thinking clearly. Many times the bereaved feels isolated and alone in his/her grief. Their intense pain and difficult emotions can make people uncomfortable about offering support, which only further serves to isolate those suffering a loss.
The reality is that we never truly get over a loss. We learn to go through it, or around it, and eventually emerge on the other side. In effect, we learn to live with the loss. Can we force ourselves or others to get over grief quickly or in a timely fashion? No. Nevertheless, above all else, I suggest that you show your love for your grieving sister in any way you can!
“Everyone goes through the grieving process differently…finds different coping mechanisms and supports. What is your opinion on support groups for dealing with grief?” ~ Sanctuary Team
Hi Sanctuary Team,
You ask what I think of grief support groups. Like anything else, not all support groups are equal. Some run much better than others. Others offer much more than some. Thus, an argument could be made for the pros and cons of attending one particular grief support group over another. Of course, it is important to state here that not every grieving person needs the additional support of a group outside of their circle of family and friends. This information is for all those grieving who are seeking a group structure.
Ideally, the purpose of a grief support group is to provide a safe environment where those grieving can meet with others who walk a similar path. It should attempt to normalize the grief process in that it should make those grieving feel that they are not alone and that what they are feeling is to be expected. Those grieving should be allowed to explore and process the wide array of emotions they are feeling over their loss. They should also not be expected to contain nor control their feelings of grief and loss during this time.
Generally, grief support groups can be found in most communities, and some grief support groups are now being offered online. These types of groups run the gamut from loss of a loved one to loss of a job. There are those groups whose discussions may cover a wide range of topics. While there are other groups that believe in grouping individuals based on their type of loss.
There are some groups whose members process grief by sharing personal stories and/or their personal grief experiences; while other groups focus on identifying healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms for grief. Still, others focus on the way in which a particular loss has occurred. A number of grief support groups even focus on cultural differences and language differences. It is up to the grieving individual where he or she feels most comfortable to attend.
Still, there may be some pitfalls to grief support groups which one should also consider. One issue is that there is sometimes an expectation of therapy/therapeutic help that simply does not come along with this particular group structure. The grief support group does not provide that service, nor should it.
Another issue is that there can also be the very real feeling of being completely overwhelmed by another’s intense feelings of pain and suffering from loss. This is often too much for a grieving individual to bear while going through his or her own pain. The grieving individual may find that he or she can no longer sit in group. Of course, this becomes disruptive to both the grieving individual and the group as a whole.
The next issue may be that the grieving individual finds it discouraging to recognize that others in one’s grief support group are not quite as far along as they should be in their grief journey. This may especially be the case if a particular individual has been attending group for an extended period of time.
This leads us to the concept of judgment. That is, judgment of the group and how it runs as well as individual group members’ judgments of each other. Sadly, this behavior does sometimes find its way into some groups. When it does, it often can drive a wedge through the safe and accepting, emotionally supportive environment the grief support group should be. It is negative behavior which can do damage to the grieving individuals’ ability to heal.
I believe that anyone who is grieving a loss should have the right to decide for themselves what path they will take to heal, whether that’s alone or in a group. If they so choose a group structure, I believe that a grief support group which offers a combination of understanding, suggestions for coping, support, friendship, and, most of all, hope is one worth looking into.
Find a list of Grief, Loss and Bereavement Support Groups below. This is by no means a comprehensive list of services being offered. You can also search for grief, loss and bereavement support and recovery groups in your community online, in some of your local newspapers, or community center/town hall bulletin boards. These local meetings are generally held in churches, community centers, hospitals, healthcare clinics, funeral homes, schools, and other public gathering spaces.
“How would I know if a friend has slipped into a deep depression after losing someone? Is this possible if the person has never been diagnosed with depression? Can grief bring on depression that doesn’t go away?” ~ Lisa (AZ)
Hi Lisa,
Surprisingly, grief and depression can look very similar - especially to the untrained eye. Nevertheless, they are two very different conditions. Grief and sadness are normal reactions to loss. We all experience them at various points throughout our lifetime.
Having said this, it is still not uncommon for individuals to question whether or not they or someone they may know and/or love is depressed after a loss. Therefore, it is important to understand the difference between grief and depression so those affected get the appropriate support and/or treatment they may need.
Grief is considered a temporary condition. The individual experiencing grief is focused on his or her specific loss or an external circumstance. There are several identifiable stages that usually occur as part of this grieving process. They are generally recognized as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Each phase is instrumental in the healing process.
Sadness and grief occur in waves that are triggered by thoughts or reminders of their cause. Feelings may resurface more strongly from time to time because of those triggers. Though these feelings of sadness are painful, disruptive, and difficult to handle, they are consistent with one’s sense of self and are manageable to a certain degree. With time, the pain subsides and the individual is able to move forward with his or her life. One’s ability to find pleasure in life returns.
Generally, a grieving individual will be able to work through his or her feelings of grief and loss. With support and time, the individual accepts and makes sense of the loss. Eventually, he or she can work through the pain and adjust to a life again.
There are times when grief can develop into what is called ‘complicated grief.’ This type of grief is acute and causes long periods of suffering. It does not easily dissipate with time. In extreme cases, someone with ‘complicated grie’ may develop an overwhelming sense of worthlessness, engage in self-destructive behaviors or even contemplate or attempt suicide. In this respect, it is similar to depression. As a deeply painful and disabling condition, ‘complicated grief’ is a life-altering problem that requires active intervention.
Depression differs from sadness and grief in a number of different ways - especially in terms of its severity and duration. Though the two are sometimes confused due to overlapping symptoms, a person doesn’t necessarily experience depression due to any specific life event. It can come up, or creep up, for no reason at all. It can be triggered by external circumstances or may be due to physiological predisposition or a biological vulnerability.
It is a more persistent emotional state where the individual experiencing it will focus inward on him or herself. Depression affects one’s mood, the way in which one understands oneself, and the way in which one understands and relates to things around oneself. It typically does not subside without some form of intervention.
For some grieving individuals grief and sadness can morph into something else. When feelings of grief become more pervasive and complex they have a negative impact on one’s life. They may result in behaviors which are indicative of isolation, appetite and weight changes, disruption of sleeping patterns, an inability to perform daily functions, feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness, and thoughts of suicide. If this is the case, it is important to seek a professional evaluation.
It is important to note that not everyone who is sad or grief-stricken will inevitably suffer with depression as a result of said grief. Most individuals cope with loss with minimal morbidity. An individual can balance his or her mental health by maintaining a positive outlook, surrounding him/herself with a strong support network, eating healthy, sleeping sufficiently, and exercising.
If you, someone you love, or someone you know is experiencing symptoms of depression, encourage this person to get screened and talk with his/her doctor. Explain that it is okay to ask for help. Encourage a visit with a psychologist, grief specialist or similar mental health professional to customize an effective treatment plan that can be a catalyst for a happier, healthier life.
Finally, if you believe that someone is contemplating suicide; get help immediately by dialing ‘911’ or from The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at: 800-273-8255.
“Can the loss of a pet be just as painful as the loss of a human? Can the grief be just as deep and sorrowful?” ~ Dawn (TX)
Hi Dawn,
Individuals grieve for many different reasons and in many different ways with varying degrees of intensity and depth. Grieving is a highly individualistic behavior with no specific timeline or boundaries. It is also a journey that we all have a right to embark upon!
The pain of loss, any loss, can often feel completely overwhelming. It may trigger all sorts of painful and difficult emotions for an individual, including intense sorrow. The feelings which arise when one has lost a beloved animal friend are no different. The pain and sorrow are very real. The grieving process is virtually the same as it would be for the loss of a human loved one.
For the majority of us, our animal companions are our family. They rely on us 100%. Their needs and personalities are imprinted on us. They often bring routine and stability to our lives, while providing us with security and comfort. In turn, we form unbreakable bonds with them. They share in our lives in every way. We have few, if any, conditions on the love we and our animal companions share.
While not everyone may understand the depth of feelings someone has for a particular animal companion, one should always show the bereaved respect. The grieving individual should never be made to feel guilty or ashamed about grieving a lost beloved animal companion. Actively mourning will move the bereaved individual through his or her journey toward reconciling the feelings of deep loss.
Therefore, when an individual loses his or her animal friend, he or she deserves the care and attention during this difficult time of loss just as one would require them with any other loss. Those grieving the loss of their beloved animal companion need to be able to appropriately process this loss in their own way. After all, grief is the process of letting go and learning to live with one’s loss.
I would just like to leave you with something I recently read online:
“When I die, please don’t say, ‘I’ll never have another pet.’ Search for the ones who are abandoned and forgotten. Give them a second chance and let them take my place. Honor my life by saving another.”
Hi Lisa,
Surprisingly, grief and depression can look very similar - especially to the untrained eye. Nevertheless, they are two very different conditions. Grief and sadness are normal reactions to loss. We all experience them at various points throughout our lifetime.
Having said this, it is still not uncommon for individuals to question whether or not they or someone they may know and/or love is depressed after a loss. Therefore, it is important to understand the difference between grief and depression so those affected get the appropriate support and/or treatment they may need.
Grief is considered a temporary condition. The individual experiencing grief is focused on his or her specific loss or an external circumstance. There are several identifiable stages that usually occur as part of this grieving process. They are generally recognized as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Each phase is instrumental in the healing process.
Sadness and grief occur in waves that are triggered by thoughts or reminders of their cause. Feelings may resurface more strongly from time to time because of those triggers. Though these feelings of sadness are painful, disruptive, and difficult to handle, they are consistent with one’s sense of self and are manageable to a certain degree. With time, the pain subsides and the individual is able to move forward with his or her life. One’s ability to find pleasure in life returns.
Generally, a grieving individual will be able to work through his or her feelings of grief and loss. With support and time, the individual accepts and makes sense of the loss. Eventually, he or she can work through the pain and adjust to a life again.
There are times when grief can develop into what is called ‘complicated grief.’ This type of grief is acute and causes long periods of suffering. It does not easily dissipate with time. In extreme cases, someone with ‘complicated grie’ may develop an overwhelming sense of worthlessness, engage in self-destructive behaviors or even contemplate or attempt suicide. In this respect, it is similar to depression. As a deeply painful and disabling condition, ‘complicated grief’ is a life-altering problem that requires active intervention.
Depression differs from sadness and grief in a number of different ways - especially in terms of its severity and duration. Though the two are sometimes confused due to overlapping symptoms, a person doesn’t necessarily experience depression due to any specific life event. It can come up, or creep up, for no reason at all. It can be triggered by external circumstances or may be due to physiological predisposition or a biological vulnerability.
It is a more persistent emotional state where the individual experiencing it will focus inward on him or herself. Depression affects one’s mood, the way in which one understands oneself, and the way in which one understands and relates to things around oneself. It typically does not subside without some form of intervention.
For some grieving individuals grief and sadness can morph into something else. When feelings of grief become more pervasive and complex they have a negative impact on one’s life. They may result in behaviors which are indicative of isolation, appetite and weight changes, disruption of sleeping patterns, an inability to perform daily functions, feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness, and thoughts of suicide. If this is the case, it is important to seek a professional evaluation.
It is important to note that not everyone who is sad or grief-stricken will inevitably suffer with depression as a result of said grief. Most individuals cope with loss with minimal morbidity. An individual can balance his or her mental health by maintaining a positive outlook, surrounding him/herself with a strong support network, eating healthy, sleeping sufficiently, and exercising.
If you, someone you love, or someone you know is experiencing symptoms of depression, encourage this person to get screened and talk with his/her doctor. Explain that it is okay to ask for help. Encourage a visit with a psychologist, grief specialist or similar mental health professional to customize an effective treatment plan that can be a catalyst for a happier, healthier life.
Finally, if you believe that someone is contemplating suicide; get help immediately by dialing ‘911’ or from The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at: 800-273-8255.
“Can the loss of a pet be just as painful as the loss of a human? Can the grief be just as deep and sorrowful?” ~ Dawn (TX)
Hi Dawn,
Individuals grieve for many different reasons and in many different ways with varying degrees of intensity and depth. Grieving is a highly individualistic behavior with no specific timeline or boundaries. It is also a journey that we all have a right to embark upon!
The pain of loss, any loss, can often feel completely overwhelming. It may trigger all sorts of painful and difficult emotions for an individual, including intense sorrow. The feelings which arise when one has lost a beloved animal friend are no different. The pain and sorrow are very real. The grieving process is virtually the same as it would be for the loss of a human loved one.
For the majority of us, our animal companions are our family. They rely on us 100%. Their needs and personalities are imprinted on us. They often bring routine and stability to our lives, while providing us with security and comfort. In turn, we form unbreakable bonds with them. They share in our lives in every way. We have few, if any, conditions on the love we and our animal companions share.
While not everyone may understand the depth of feelings someone has for a particular animal companion, one should always show the bereaved respect. The grieving individual should never be made to feel guilty or ashamed about grieving a lost beloved animal companion. Actively mourning will move the bereaved individual through his or her journey toward reconciling the feelings of deep loss.
Therefore, when an individual loses his or her animal friend, he or she deserves the care and attention during this difficult time of loss just as one would require them with any other loss. Those grieving the loss of their beloved animal companion need to be able to appropriately process this loss in their own way. After all, grief is the process of letting go and learning to live with one’s loss.
I would just like to leave you with something I recently read online:
“When I die, please don’t say, ‘I’ll never have another pet.’ Search for the ones who are abandoned and forgotten. Give them a second chance and let them take my place. Honor my life by saving another.”
