Navigating Relationships
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Redefining the Generation Gap:
Grandmother as Both Mentor and Friend
December 2021
Jillian with Grandma M
Editor's Note: With "family" and "reflection" as themes this month, we hope readers find Jillian's article about the grandmother-granddaughter relationship to be a refreshing perspective and one to hold dear this holiday season.
By Jillian Crocetta
Intergenerational friendships grow the way all friendships do. They affect how we interact with others and how we understand ourselves and the world around us.
Many intergenerational friendships happen to be familial. Interestingly, a recent article on Care.com points out that grandparents and grandchildren may have a more seamless relationship than parents and children because grandparents are often free from parental responsibilities, such as setting boundaries and consequences for bad behavior; instead, a grandparent can focus on building a relationship based on interests.
Intergenerational friendships grow the way all friendships do. They affect how we interact with others and how we understand ourselves and the world around us.
Many intergenerational friendships happen to be familial. Interestingly, a recent article on Care.com points out that grandparents and grandchildren may have a more seamless relationship than parents and children because grandparents are often free from parental responsibilities, such as setting boundaries and consequences for bad behavior; instead, a grandparent can focus on building a relationship based on interests.
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"Parent-child relationships are complex. Grandmother-grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas are short on criticism and long on love." ~ Janet Lanese, author |
I considered both of my grandmothers to be close friends of mine since I was eight or nine years old. They were never “Nanny” or “Nana” or “Grammy” to me. They were always Grandma C and Grandma M, women who shared similar interests and enjoyed spending time with me.
In post-retirement, Grandma C valued exploration. She encouraged her grandchildren to seek new opportunities and confront the unknown. She encouraged me to make my debut as Henry Hudson in the school play and ran lines with me before the curtain went up. At the time, I didn’t realize how lucky I was that she treated me like a nervous friend, rather than a nervous nine-year-old. |
Grandma M lived farther away, but we both shared an unshakeable love of literature, writing and books. So, I would wander the house with a phone to my ear, testing how far the cord would stretch from room to room, as she would share her love of authors I was yet to be familiar with, and I would tell her all about the latest Babysitter’s Club book I picked up.
Does Age Matter?
Age is perhaps the greatest barrier of an intergenerational friendship. When Grandma C died, I felt the first bite of betrayal – that our age difference had left me to carry on for years without her. I realize now that our journeys overlapped, but never ran parallel. I was left contemplating what it felt like to lose a friend and wondering what our friendship would have looked like today if we both had five more years of growth.
I felt, too, a gripping sense of frustration because there was so much about her that I still didn’t know. There were so many things she experienced before me. Every friendship has challenges, and the one you might develop with a grandmother is no exception. Your grandmother has the opportunity to watch you grow; on the other hand, you missed out on her bad haircut phase, her graduation day, and her debut in a school play.
Aren’t all friendships lovely imperfections, though?
Perhaps age can be a challenge for curious granddaughters like me – those who are on a quest to know more. But I have a new perception of age in my twenty-second year of friendship with Grandma M: To be a friend is to listen. So, when Grandma M and I start dissecting literature, our generation gap inspires the course of the conversation and broadens perspectives.
Does Age Matter?
Age is perhaps the greatest barrier of an intergenerational friendship. When Grandma C died, I felt the first bite of betrayal – that our age difference had left me to carry on for years without her. I realize now that our journeys overlapped, but never ran parallel. I was left contemplating what it felt like to lose a friend and wondering what our friendship would have looked like today if we both had five more years of growth.
I felt, too, a gripping sense of frustration because there was so much about her that I still didn’t know. There were so many things she experienced before me. Every friendship has challenges, and the one you might develop with a grandmother is no exception. Your grandmother has the opportunity to watch you grow; on the other hand, you missed out on her bad haircut phase, her graduation day, and her debut in a school play.
Aren’t all friendships lovely imperfections, though?
Perhaps age can be a challenge for curious granddaughters like me – those who are on a quest to know more. But I have a new perception of age in my twenty-second year of friendship with Grandma M: To be a friend is to listen. So, when Grandma M and I start dissecting literature, our generation gap inspires the course of the conversation and broadens perspectives.
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Why It Works
Grandma M jokes with me that our friendship works because I don’t bore her, but we always find common ground. And truth be told, I don’t have many friends my age who want to talk to me for hours about which collection of Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes was the best (The Adventures) or how we can restore the thematic strangeness of nineteenth century gothic literature. Grandma M is that person who will spend the time talking about it with me. And I never sense that she doesn’t want to be there, simply listening to me. Although we are family, most of our conversations are not about family at all. We don’t talk about books and writing because we are family; we talk about these things because we are both interested in them. |
"And truth be told, I don’t have many friends my age who want to talk to me for hours about which collection of Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes was the best (The Adventures) or how we can restore the thematic strangeness of nineteenth century gothic literature." |
The family dynamic can be complicated. But it doesn’t have to be if we realize that true friendships can develop between family members. It’s also true that we don’t have to crack each conversation open, looking for threads of family talk to tie it back together.
What We Learn
In many ways, Grandma M has been a steadfast and predominant mentor for me. She is a successful woman and someone I look up to as an award-winning author of five books and countless articles. Yet, her role as my mentor is not always turned on. It’s there while she is reading my paper on Jane Eyre; but when we’re drinking wine and talking about our lives, there is no role either of us is forced to play. We are just sharing and learning – about each other, authors, travels, simply anything that fascinates us.
I personally believe that a close friendship with a grandparent can move beyond the mentor-mentee relationship. The roles are often blurred when there is give and take, mutual respect, common interests, and enduring love.
What We Learn
In many ways, Grandma M has been a steadfast and predominant mentor for me. She is a successful woman and someone I look up to as an award-winning author of five books and countless articles. Yet, her role as my mentor is not always turned on. It’s there while she is reading my paper on Jane Eyre; but when we’re drinking wine and talking about our lives, there is no role either of us is forced to play. We are just sharing and learning – about each other, authors, travels, simply anything that fascinates us.
I personally believe that a close friendship with a grandparent can move beyond the mentor-mentee relationship. The roles are often blurred when there is give and take, mutual respect, common interests, and enduring love.
Jillian Crocetta is a New York City-based human resources professional and freelance writer/editor who enjoys writing in the areas of identity, place, empowerment, and health & wellness. She has always been drawn to creative nonfiction and poetry and has a passion for generating stories. In addition to the articles she has written for Sanctuary, her work has been published in New Voices and Spotlight News.
