Play & Book Excerpts
From People Pleaser to Soul Pleaser
(Potential Realized)
© Tracy Secombe
In Sanctuary's Smart Steps section, Tracy tackles the topic "Please Your Soul to Realize Your Potential."
Introduction
I discovered my drug of choice at a very young age. It was ‘Praise’ and just as addictive. I learned early on that my parents were happy when I did what they wanted me to do - and what their peers approved of. There was a very clear message of what made a ‘good girl,’ and I was soon addicted to the kind of feedback that behaviour brought me. On the other hand, when I didn’t meet the mark, it didn’t occur to me that my behaviour was at fault. I took it personally. I perceived that I was bad and therefore unloved. Reflecting on it, I realize that my parents always loved me. This wasn’t about them; it was about me and my interpretation of it.
When I got to school, getting approval became more complicated. The rules were different. The teachers loved me being a well-behaved, high-performing student, while the other students wanted me to be fun and at times break the rules. The same thing that pleased one person would cause another to feel jealous or be mean towards me or about me behind my back. Now I had the dilemma of keeping one person happy while potentially upsetting another. The anxiety began to set in as it became harder and harder to keep everyone happy all the time. But I kept trying.
Trying to reach the standard of achievement I thought others expected of me soon resulted in perfectionism, and that manifested as an eating disorder. Not only did I ignore the condition, but I was also determined to fix it myself because I believed I could conquer all obstacles on my own and didn’t need any help from anyone else. I was the helper and the fixer.
As a high-achieving people pleaser who genuinely cared about helping other people, I was able to create successful businesses that provided great outcomes for my clients. However, as I added a growing family to the mix, it began to take its toll on my own well-being, which I ignored for many years. The praise I received for ‘being able to do it all’ drove me blindly to continue.
That is until Mum died. This was my wake-up call. Mum was just like me, or I was just like her. She put herself last, or perhaps not at all, to make sure that she was always helping everyone else. Her love language was worry. She would call me and start the conversation with, ‘I’m worried about you,’ which I now know meant, ‘I love you.’ Mum spent her life attempting to prove she was good enough by being there for everyone else, taking on their problems, and never dealing with her own. She was mentally and emotionally exhausted, and in the end, it caught up with her physically.
I couldn’t undo the way things ended for my dear mother, but I could do what I know she would have wanted me to, and that is to change the ending of my own story. This is what I have done and what I would love to give you the opportunity to do too.
Conclusion
We are born into this world full of wonder and enthusiasm for the journey of discovery ahead of us. We chose to experience the diversity life has to offer so that we can select what we love to do and be who we want to be and have our heart’s desires.
But then other people with some life experience enter the scene. Some of them tell us ‘You can’t do that; you must do this.’ Some of them reward us for certain behaviours and punish us for others. Some do it through words, some through a facial expression, or by withdrawing from us. Often, it has nothing to do with us, but we don’t know that.
Bit by bit, we push aside what we like, what we want, and who we really are, because it’s easier. There’s less pushback. Other people seem to be happier if we modify ourselves, and that feels better. It also feels safer because we think we need these people around us to look after us. We need them to love us because we feel empty without love.
That emptiness is our clue. The sooner we can acknowledge the feeling that something is missing, the sooner we can remember who we are. The sooner we can ask for answers and start receiving them, we begin our journey back to ourselves.
Everyone will do something at some stage to please another person. It feels good to see someone else happy because this is who we are at our core – lovers. But our soul loves without conditions, and our fearful, needy self may expect something in return. If I please you, I expect you to be pleased with me. We are looking outside of us for something that is within us. The only place you can experience unconditional love one hundred percent of the time is from your soul. Once you connect with this love, it fills you up, it overflows and everyone around you receives it too.
You are your soul. Your soul is love. You are love. Go to sleep feeling this love, wake up feeling it, and notice throughout the day when you feel it waning and ramp it up again. We are all made up of this love force. There is no amount of effort you can put into eradicating hate because by focusing on it, you will create more of it. You can only replace it with love.
Be gentle with yourself and start where it is easiest. Don’t strive to love the things you don’t like. Love what you love and notice how more and more lovable experiences come your way.
Be who you are meant to be.
I discovered my drug of choice at a very young age. It was ‘Praise’ and just as addictive. I learned early on that my parents were happy when I did what they wanted me to do - and what their peers approved of. There was a very clear message of what made a ‘good girl,’ and I was soon addicted to the kind of feedback that behaviour brought me. On the other hand, when I didn’t meet the mark, it didn’t occur to me that my behaviour was at fault. I took it personally. I perceived that I was bad and therefore unloved. Reflecting on it, I realize that my parents always loved me. This wasn’t about them; it was about me and my interpretation of it.
When I got to school, getting approval became more complicated. The rules were different. The teachers loved me being a well-behaved, high-performing student, while the other students wanted me to be fun and at times break the rules. The same thing that pleased one person would cause another to feel jealous or be mean towards me or about me behind my back. Now I had the dilemma of keeping one person happy while potentially upsetting another. The anxiety began to set in as it became harder and harder to keep everyone happy all the time. But I kept trying.
Trying to reach the standard of achievement I thought others expected of me soon resulted in perfectionism, and that manifested as an eating disorder. Not only did I ignore the condition, but I was also determined to fix it myself because I believed I could conquer all obstacles on my own and didn’t need any help from anyone else. I was the helper and the fixer.
As a high-achieving people pleaser who genuinely cared about helping other people, I was able to create successful businesses that provided great outcomes for my clients. However, as I added a growing family to the mix, it began to take its toll on my own well-being, which I ignored for many years. The praise I received for ‘being able to do it all’ drove me blindly to continue.
That is until Mum died. This was my wake-up call. Mum was just like me, or I was just like her. She put herself last, or perhaps not at all, to make sure that she was always helping everyone else. Her love language was worry. She would call me and start the conversation with, ‘I’m worried about you,’ which I now know meant, ‘I love you.’ Mum spent her life attempting to prove she was good enough by being there for everyone else, taking on their problems, and never dealing with her own. She was mentally and emotionally exhausted, and in the end, it caught up with her physically.
I couldn’t undo the way things ended for my dear mother, but I could do what I know she would have wanted me to, and that is to change the ending of my own story. This is what I have done and what I would love to give you the opportunity to do too.
Conclusion
We are born into this world full of wonder and enthusiasm for the journey of discovery ahead of us. We chose to experience the diversity life has to offer so that we can select what we love to do and be who we want to be and have our heart’s desires.
But then other people with some life experience enter the scene. Some of them tell us ‘You can’t do that; you must do this.’ Some of them reward us for certain behaviours and punish us for others. Some do it through words, some through a facial expression, or by withdrawing from us. Often, it has nothing to do with us, but we don’t know that.
Bit by bit, we push aside what we like, what we want, and who we really are, because it’s easier. There’s less pushback. Other people seem to be happier if we modify ourselves, and that feels better. It also feels safer because we think we need these people around us to look after us. We need them to love us because we feel empty without love.
That emptiness is our clue. The sooner we can acknowledge the feeling that something is missing, the sooner we can remember who we are. The sooner we can ask for answers and start receiving them, we begin our journey back to ourselves.
Everyone will do something at some stage to please another person. It feels good to see someone else happy because this is who we are at our core – lovers. But our soul loves without conditions, and our fearful, needy self may expect something in return. If I please you, I expect you to be pleased with me. We are looking outside of us for something that is within us. The only place you can experience unconditional love one hundred percent of the time is from your soul. Once you connect with this love, it fills you up, it overflows and everyone around you receives it too.
You are your soul. Your soul is love. You are love. Go to sleep feeling this love, wake up feeling it, and notice throughout the day when you feel it waning and ramp it up again. We are all made up of this love force. There is no amount of effort you can put into eradicating hate because by focusing on it, you will create more of it. You can only replace it with love.
Be gentle with yourself and start where it is easiest. Don’t strive to love the things you don’t like. Love what you love and notice how more and more lovable experiences come your way.
Be who you are meant to be.
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Tracy Secombe grew up in Port Lincoln in South Australia. She ran her first two businesses during her years at University. After seven years working in private practice as a physiotherapist, Tracy won the positions of Miss SA, Miss SA Fundraiser and Miss Australia 1997, leading to a full-time ambassador role traveling Australia to promote the work of The Spastic Centres of Australia. Later, Tracy completed a degree in journalism and started her third business venture “Child Share Care.”
From the time Tracy started her studies as a physiotherapist, she had a strong desire to empower people to prevent and treat their own injuries. As a result, Tracy founded Safe Work Practice and ran this business with her good friend and fellow physiotherapist, Mary Hill, until they sold it in February 2017. In 2011/2012 Tracy became a “Thinking into Results” facilitator through the Proctor Gallagher Institute and began her coaching business, Potential Realized. In 2016, Tracy’s beloved mother passed away, and she was reminded of the importance of making time for herself and her family. So, she launched Soul Pleaser, now her primary focus. Her mission is to help people know that they are enough without the need for approval from others, so that they can be who they are here to be and make the difference they are here to make. Her services include online programs, coaching, retreats, books and public speaking. |
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