JUNE 2022: Featured Interview
Author Explains Why Men Fear Women
Psychotherapist & Author:
Avrum Weiss, Ph.D.
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Photo Credit: Julia Curran Photography
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Avrum Weiss, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, an award-winning author, and teacher. His decade-long work on understanding the internal lives of men culminated with his recently published bestseller, Hidden in Plain Sight: How Men's Fears of Women Shape Their Intimate Relationships.
Avrum is a regular contributor to the Psychology Today website and offers workshops nationally about the psychology of men and helping men and women understand each other. He practices psychotherapy online from his home on an island in Midcoast Maine, specializing in psychotherapy groups for men and psychotherapy consultation. 
Click Cover for More About Avrum's Book
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Avrum delves into complex concepts about male-female relationships and offers advice for newbie authors.
In what way are men "afraid" of their intimate partners? I think most men reading this would quickly deny that.
When I first suggest to men that they may be afraid of their partner, their first response is inevitably defensive. Most men resent the suggestion that they are afraid, much less fearful of a woman. However, most men realize the truth of this idea very quickly, and this understanding often leads to a productive exploration of how unhappy they are about these fears and how much they inhibit intimacy in their relationships.
Men have done such an excellent job of hiding their fears from women and themselves that even their mothers and lovers often have no idea. I am sure that this statement is puzzling to many of the women reading this, each of whom has no doubt experienced themselves in a one-down, disempowered position in most of their relationships with men. Yet the truth remains that men’s fears of women are nearly universal and are one of the primary driving forces in the inner lives of men and their intimate relationships.
When I first suggest to men that they may be afraid of their partner, their first response is inevitably defensive. Most men resent the suggestion that they are afraid, much less fearful of a woman. However, most men realize the truth of this idea very quickly, and this understanding often leads to a productive exploration of how unhappy they are about these fears and how much they inhibit intimacy in their relationships.
Men have done such an excellent job of hiding their fears from women and themselves that even their mothers and lovers often have no idea. I am sure that this statement is puzzling to many of the women reading this, each of whom has no doubt experienced themselves in a one-down, disempowered position in most of their relationships with men. Yet the truth remains that men’s fears of women are nearly universal and are one of the primary driving forces in the inner lives of men and their intimate relationships.
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While men are clearly in the more privileged position in the external world, it is in their intimate relationships that these fears are more readily visible. Men’s fears of women range from the more conscious, socially acceptable fears like the fear of being dominated and controlled by women and the fear of failing to please women to those fears that are more unconscious like the fear of being inadequate and the fear of being abandoned. Although hidden, these fears may be recognized in everyday situations, such as when a man’s friends invite him to go out for a drink after work, and his first reflexive thought is about whether or not his partner will be upset with him for asking. The fact that his partner has never objected to him going out with friends, and may have encouraged him to do so, is rarely sufficient to assuage these fears. |
"Although hidden, these fears may be recognized in everyday situations, such as when a man’s friends invite him to go out for a drink after work, and his first reflexive thought is about whether or not his partner will be upset with him for asking." ~ Avrum Weiss, Ph.D. |
Is it true that men do not deal with their emotions well, and is this one of the reasons they are uncomfortable with women who aren't afraid to express emotions on a regular basis?
Masculinity in our Western cultures is primarily defined by what it is not: for example, to be masculine means to have no visible feminine characteristics. Masculinity is said to be fragile, meaning that masculinity is not a given but rather something that men have to earn and then constantly protect. Research suggests that around the time boys enter school, they feel forced to choose between the warmth and tenderness they have known and valued in their lives and the power and privilege available in joining the world of men. A good deal of research connects this internal conflict with a variety of physiological and psychological problems often faced by men. I believe that this conflict is largely why men die sooner than women.
Because we associate emotions with femininity, men are taught to think of being emotional as a threat to their masculinity. Emotions are as contagious as a yawn, so when women are openly emotional, particularly during conflict, men are threatened by what they feel inside in response to their partner’s emotions. This is why men work so hard to keep conflict with their partners ‘rational’ and are critical of their partners for being ‘too emotional.’ From a woman’s perspective, this seems to be part of a larger effort to maintain power and control in the relationship. What is often not understood is how hard men are working to protect themselves – protect themselves from what they are feeling, protect themselves from feeling inadequate to please their partner, and protect themselves from their fears of being abandoned.
Do men find life partners who resemble their mothers? If yes, why?
That’s a complicated question. If you ask researchers, they will tell you that evolutionary or social factors influence mate selection. On the other hand, if you ask psychotherapists, the people working the trenches, we will give you an answer that is closer to your question.
I find Jung’s thinking on the subject most helpful. Jung disagreed with Freud’s idea that men are compelled to marry women who are like their mothers. He suggested that men choose a partner with whom they can continue to work on the unfinished emotional issues with their mothers. This is a helpful reframing for couples when they inevitably discover that they have indeed partnered with someone who is very much like the parent they struggle so much with. Rather than seeing this as a potentially fatal error, Jung’s perspective allows partners to see the benefits of being with someone who challenges you to grow in the most critical aspects of your life.
That’s a complicated question. If you ask researchers, they will tell you that evolutionary or social factors influence mate selection. On the other hand, if you ask psychotherapists, the people working the trenches, we will give you an answer that is closer to your question.
I find Jung’s thinking on the subject most helpful. Jung disagreed with Freud’s idea that men are compelled to marry women who are like their mothers. He suggested that men choose a partner with whom they can continue to work on the unfinished emotional issues with their mothers. This is a helpful reframing for couples when they inevitably discover that they have indeed partnered with someone who is very much like the parent they struggle so much with. Rather than seeing this as a potentially fatal error, Jung’s perspective allows partners to see the benefits of being with someone who challenges you to grow in the most critical aspects of your life.
Are those who are happy and content also fearful of their female spouses/partners?
Men’s fears of women primarily reflect their socialization in the patriarchy, which affects every man. While men who are more securely attached are somewhat less afraid of their partners than men who are less securely attached, men’s fears of women are universal. I have yet to meet a heterosexual man who does not recognize these fears in himself and has not benefitted from understanding how these fears limit his capacity for happiness and intimacy.
What can wives and mothers do to understand their sons/husbands better?
Reading this article suggests that you are interested in better understanding a man in your life, which is a good starting place. Surprisingly, women have benefitted as much from understanding these ideas as their male partners have. Many women have told me that understanding how much of their partner’s problematic behavior is motivated by fear has helped unlock feelings of compassion and empathy they have struggled to access for years.
One interesting idea is that several couples have told me they are reading my book together and making time to talk with each other after every chapter.
Men’s fears of women primarily reflect their socialization in the patriarchy, which affects every man. While men who are more securely attached are somewhat less afraid of their partners than men who are less securely attached, men’s fears of women are universal. I have yet to meet a heterosexual man who does not recognize these fears in himself and has not benefitted from understanding how these fears limit his capacity for happiness and intimacy.
What can wives and mothers do to understand their sons/husbands better?
Reading this article suggests that you are interested in better understanding a man in your life, which is a good starting place. Surprisingly, women have benefitted as much from understanding these ideas as their male partners have. Many women have told me that understanding how much of their partner’s problematic behavior is motivated by fear has helped unlock feelings of compassion and empathy they have struggled to access for years.
One interesting idea is that several couples have told me they are reading my book together and making time to talk with each other after every chapter.
You've written four books. Is there a piece of advice you'd like to share with newbie authors?
People get hung up on what they have to do to consider themselves an author or whether their work will be published and read. I tell them that the definition of a writer is someone who writes. The single most helpful thing you can do is write regularly and keep at it. I write because I love to learn, and writing is a way to learn more about whatever I’m interested in. It’s also important not to show your work to anyone too soon because negative feedback can easily undermine your confidence and curiosity early in the process.
People get hung up on what they have to do to consider themselves an author or whether their work will be published and read. I tell them that the definition of a writer is someone who writes. The single most helpful thing you can do is write regularly and keep at it. I write because I love to learn, and writing is a way to learn more about whatever I’m interested in. It’s also important not to show your work to anyone too soon because negative feedback can easily undermine your confidence and curiosity early in the process.
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"At the risk of oversimplifying, the essential communication tool for couples is to prioritize setting aside unencumbered time to talk with each other regularly. Most couples are committed to taking care of the practical issues in their lives but don’t have nearly the same dedication to caring for their relationships." ~ Avrum Weiss, Ph.D. |
Name one communication tool couples should adopt.
At the risk of oversimplifying, the essential communication tool for couples is to prioritize setting aside unencumbered time to talk with each other regularly. Most couples are committed to taking care of the practical issues in their lives but don’t have nearly the same dedication to caring for their relationships. I’m continually surprised at how little time many couples set aside to talk with each other, or if they do make time to talk, how often they try to communicate about complex, emotionally challenging issues while they are both on their screens or otherwise distracted. I recommend that couples set aside a regular time every week to be together without distraction. I suggest they make that time inviolable; if they agree to spend an hour together every Tuesday at 9:00 p.m., they keep that commitment regardless of what else comes up. I advise that they do not have any alcohol or other recreational drugs on that evening. I suggest that the time be devoted to being together in any way they like, but that they avoid talking about work or the kids. This simple exercise doesn’t take long to bring about noticeable changes in most relationships. |
When they begin this practice, some couples may become more aware of some of the emotionally painful issues they have been distracting themselves from, or they may realize how out of practice and uncomfortable they are spending this kind of personal time together. When this happens, I recommend that the couple seek help from a qualified couple’s therapist to help them get through the impasse to a better place.
