Navigating Relationships
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When Mothers and Daughters Collide
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For more on this topic this month:
Ask an Expert with Amy Morin, LCSW Solving Issues with Your Adult Daughter |
By Carol Lippert Gray
Mothers and daughters. Daughters and mothers. The dynamic may sometimes resemble Dr. Doolittle’s Pushmi-Pullyu, a handsome animal whose two heads face opposite directions. Push me, pull you.
Of course, not every mother and daughter are joined at the hip, like the Pushmi-Pullyu. And not every mother and daughter are at odds, confronting the world back-to-back. But when their heads are 180 degrees apart yet still manage to butt, the consequences can range from awkward to painful to disastrous.
The mother-daughter relationship, says Judith Sills Ph.D., a Philadelphia-based psychologist, “is the foundation model for what love is, what intimacy is, and what it is to be or not to be female in the gender sense.” But if that bond breaks down, she says, it can result in “conflict, anger, and distance - both emotional and physical.”
There’s a constant, natural ebb and flow of feelings, information, and interactions between mothers and daughters. Dr. Sills says, “It is normal for [the relationship] to deteriorate, improve, colossally deteriorate and improve. And that all can happen in the course of one phone call.”
What Causes Trouble?
Mothers and daughters. Daughters and mothers. The dynamic may sometimes resemble Dr. Doolittle’s Pushmi-Pullyu, a handsome animal whose two heads face opposite directions. Push me, pull you.
Of course, not every mother and daughter are joined at the hip, like the Pushmi-Pullyu. And not every mother and daughter are at odds, confronting the world back-to-back. But when their heads are 180 degrees apart yet still manage to butt, the consequences can range from awkward to painful to disastrous.
The mother-daughter relationship, says Judith Sills Ph.D., a Philadelphia-based psychologist, “is the foundation model for what love is, what intimacy is, and what it is to be or not to be female in the gender sense.” But if that bond breaks down, she says, it can result in “conflict, anger, and distance - both emotional and physical.”
There’s a constant, natural ebb and flow of feelings, information, and interactions between mothers and daughters. Dr. Sills says, “It is normal for [the relationship] to deteriorate, improve, colossally deteriorate and improve. And that all can happen in the course of one phone call.”
What Causes Trouble?
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One aspect, Dr. Sills says, “is the normal, healthy need for the mother to learn to let go. That can lead to distance. It might look like deterioration, but it might actually be growth. The daughter may come to manage better on her own.”
After over 40 years of counseling clients, Sills has seen “deeply held, bitter feelings, typically on the part of the daughter, that the mother cannot resolve.” She explains, for instance, that in cases where a mother remarries and has another child, the daughter can “hold a grudge for 20 or 30 years. And some people are angry about it forever.” |
"Motherhood is the greatest thing and the hardest thing." ~ Ricki Lake |
Another trigger might be the father’s death, particularly if it was traumatic. “The daughter blames the mom,” Sills says, citing the case of Joan and Melissa Rivers, who didn’t speak for many years after Joan’s husband (Melissa’s father) committed suicide. “The mother and daughter each feel ‘I cannot speak to her, so it’s better not to speak.’ But the mother has to learn that she has a part in whatever her daughter is angry about, and she has to be ready to hear [about it]. A mother longing to reestablish a relationship has to be able to validate some of her daughter’s hurt and rage.”
What Makes Things Better?
The beginning of any grievance story, she says, is “you’re the victim, hurt and abused, so you avoid the other person.” But the key to healing and restoring relationships is empathy.
One way to achieve it is to write a letter imagining that there might actually be a perspective other than your own. People have the capacity to heal a relationship with their worst enemy, Dr. Sills says, “if [they] can develop the empathy and understand the other person’s point of view. Some people can do it on their own. Some need help. And some don’t have the emotional capacity.”
Sometimes people seek professional help and sometimes they have a spiritual awakening, she adds. “There’s a lesson to be learned, whether life teaches it to you, you see a therapist, or you achieve it through some other means.”
The beginning of any grievance story, she says, is “you’re the victim, hurt and abused, so you avoid the other person.” But the key to healing and restoring relationships is empathy.
One way to achieve it is to write a letter imagining that there might actually be a perspective other than your own. People have the capacity to heal a relationship with their worst enemy, Dr. Sills says, “if [they] can develop the empathy and understand the other person’s point of view. Some people can do it on their own. Some need help. And some don’t have the emotional capacity.”
Sometimes people seek professional help and sometimes they have a spiritual awakening, she adds. “There’s a lesson to be learned, whether life teaches it to you, you see a therapist, or you achieve it through some other means.”
"Our field has advanced beyond 'mother blaming' for pathology, to a scientific understanding of the power of positive mothering for building healthy attachments and resilience...No mother-child relationship is ideal, and some can be quite challenging. Efforts toward differentiation can be empowering and facilitate growth." ~ Nadine J. Kaslow, Ph.D. (American Psychological Association)
Additional Resources:
Excess Baggage: Getting Out of Your Own Way by Judith Sills, Ph.D.: Psychological exercises to help you discover what keeps you from getting what you want (including - but not limited to - a better relationship with your parent or child)
“Uncovering the root cause of mother-daughter conflict” by Rosjke Hasseldine: An article in Counseling Today, a publication of the American Counseling Association
Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration by Karen C.L. Anderson
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal From Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson, Psy.D.
"15 Insights on Improving Mother-Daughter Relationships" by Margarita Tartakovky, M.S.
Excess Baggage: Getting Out of Your Own Way by Judith Sills, Ph.D.: Psychological exercises to help you discover what keeps you from getting what you want (including - but not limited to - a better relationship with your parent or child)
“Uncovering the root cause of mother-daughter conflict” by Rosjke Hasseldine: An article in Counseling Today, a publication of the American Counseling Association
Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration by Karen C.L. Anderson
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal From Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson, Psy.D.
"15 Insights on Improving Mother-Daughter Relationships" by Margarita Tartakovky, M.S.
Carol Lippert Gray is an award-winning public relations professional and longtime freelance writer and editor. She has been published in fields as diverse as crafts and corporate finance, parenting and philanthropy. She is also a regular contributor for Sanctuary.
